stepmothersmilk.com

The Husband hates the following words: nutrients, proprietor and turret. He says they are badly constructed words with too many consonants. He also has a strong aversion to the word milk.

Learning this about him was an amusing discovery, for I do not share his distaste for these particular nouns nor do I find them interrupting my everyday conversations.

In fact, I cannot think of any words that I particularly loathe, although I can think of many hackneyed phrases that make me cringe. “Reach for the stars,” “TomAto, Tom(AH)to,” and “Daddy’s got a brand new bag” rank at the top of my loathsome list and really, as they say, “get my goat.”

Now, I may be in the minority here, but “get my goat” is a phrase I actually use quite often for it’s obvious application. It is an appropriate exclamation for a multitude of S-mom situations and a much nicer way of saying, “You are seriously annoying the shit out of me right now.”

There will be no talk of lactating, suckling or boobies in general.

But, let’s get back to the milk. Why Stepmother’s milk? And why brand a blog with a word that disturbs the sensitive pallet of The Husband?

When The Husband told me why he hated the word (“It has a hard consonant and makes me think about breast feeding”), I was dismayed myself.

“Breast-feeding? I choked on the words. Is that what you think I’m writing about?”

I explained to The Husband that stepmother’s milk has nothing to do with breast milk and/or feeding. There are plenty of mothers writing about this natural bonding, and from what I hear, lovely experience, but these are not the memoirs I intend to share. I am a stepmother, for God’s sake. There will be no talk of lactating, suckling or boobies in general.

Stepmother’s Milk, rather, is a metaphor for how women nurture and care for each other in trying times.

We may be the grown-ups here, but we’re not beyond the need for swaddling, indulgence and the occasional cooing. Often, the best pacifier is the voice of another woman, telling her unique story that lets you know you’re not alone.

Stepmother’s Milk is a metaphor for how women nurture and care for each other in trying times.

The term actually originated with my mother (a fair and calm woman), who in her mid-thirties, became an insta-mom to two additional teenage girls. Poor thing. She was fortunate in those early years of repressed anger and wounded self esteem (“Roll your eyes again and I’ll cut you!”) to stumble upon a group of Northern California women recently initiated into the S-mom club themselves. These women quickly recognized that even one hour of indulgent, brutal honesty was an effective antidote for warding off S-mom insanity.

They’d meet as far away from the house as possible, share a round of very strong cocktails and laugh and groan over their similar spilled milk. By telling their unedited stories in a safe and encouraging environment, these women gained valuable perspective and found an intoxicating platform to vent.

And that’s how the tradition was born.

Legend has it that they chose the Ramos Fizz as the first style of ‘milk’ because it was one of those cocktails socially acceptable to drink before Noon. Later they branched out into other types of alcohol, not any specific concoction, but whatever was in the glass at the time. Over the years, S-mom milk became their universal and interchangeable code word for “I need to get out of the house and away from these kids, please help me GOD!”

Often, the best pacifier is the voice of another woman.

They’d meet for coffee and scones, sip wine at a local art opening, take the ferry and a quick taxi to Union Square or hike the magnificent trails of Mount Tamalpais. No matter what the occasion, it was their selfish time to celebrate each other, their friendship, their survival, the complexity and richness of their lives and acknowledge the fortitude required to raise children who aren’t biologically, but emotionally become, your own.

And this is my intention here. Here’s a toast to all of us and our particular blend of Stepmother’s Milk.

Cheers.
Izzy Rose

izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com

© 2007