Introducing Ms. July!

Susan lives in Sonoma County, CA. Susan is a stepmom and a bio-mom (and okay, MY mom). All three of her daughters are now in their thirties and raising families of their own. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

We “blended” his two daughters with my one daughter when they were 8, 10 and 11. I think it was good that our kids already knew and pretty much liked each other. We bought a house that would hold three kids even though I initially expected that his daughters would spend more time with their mother who lived in Michigan. My daughter went back and forth from our house to her dad’s which was only a few blocks away. My stepdaughters took turns living with their mother for an occasional school year and almost every summer, but much of the time we were a five-person household.

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

Going from a small family to a big one. I felt like I had no free time or free space, although fortunately my husband and I had our bedroom on the second floor and the kids were downstairs. So there was some escape from the chaos. And it was chaotic because the kids’ lives were hectic and we were two busy working parents very much involved with our careers.

In the early years I worried and felt guilty that my daughter was not getting enough of me. One of my husband’s daughters missed her mother and I felt bad that I couldn’t make up for that. My other stepdaughter and I didn’t get along in the early years and had screaming fights. It was a tough beginning and times when I truly worried about what I had taken on.

The universal issue. It takes a while for you to fall in love with the man. So how can you expect yourself to fall instantly in love with his kids? And he with yours. But it does happen.
Q3:

What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

We had a very full, wild and crazy house. We were not a quiet house. There was always something happening, but even the drama, in looking back, it helped me grow into a more accepting, big hearted person. I learned from the kids. We had our bloodbaths but we had a lot of laughs, too. My daughters – I don’t use the term step daughters anymore – are smart, funny, delightful, caring women. When we get together I sit back and watch our reassembled circus, and I feel very fortunate.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Make sure your health insurance covers family counseling.

Q5:
How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I had a group of women who were also stepmothers. We shared stories, went on women-only get-aways, laughed bitterly, cried happily, drank too much, smoked a little pot. One week every year I fled California and went back east to visit my sister.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

My husband and I were in sync all along with how to raise our kids. We both wanted our marriage to work and honestly discussed how to do that with a couples counselor.. the same guy who was our family counselor. We took off on weekends (rarely) leaving the kids with a friend or with my in-laws. But we never really did get to live like a couple until the daughters were all in college and we moved to Europe for two years.

Did any of Susan’s comments hit home? Open a dialogue in the Whole Milk forum or leave a comment on this post.

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