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Posts Tagged ‘stepkids’

Shuttling Kids Between Homes- Who Benefits?

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

GUEST BLOGGER: Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family

In the old days, my lawyer friends tell me, child custody/visitation agreements used to be vague and loose. It was common for the non-custodial parent, almost always the father, to have the kids on alternate weekends with seasonal and reasonable longer visits in the summer. Divorced couples usually alternated the holidays. Sounds fair, one would think, back then.

But times have changed. More visitation is exercised now…. and they don’t call it “visitation” in the court system. They now call it “parenting time” so as to put everybody on equal footing. Divorced couples today demand more. They claim, “It’s only fair that I get the kids at least half time!” Take Bill for example. He and his ex wife live miles apart, completely across town from each other. They share custody of their two school aged children with a 50-50 time split. During his weeks with the kids, Bill is on the road early to take the kids to school and returns again in the afternoon to pick them up. He shows up at almost all of their games and after school activities. He and his new wife live in a big new house with her two children. He desperately wants his kids to feel welcome and at home in his new stepfamily.

That’s what’s happening these days. It takes a lot of sacrificing and work to get enough time with the kids. As parents they naturally want to provide the best of the best. It seems equally important, however, for some ex-spouses to compete with each other over the kids. My question is what drives this need and is it in the best interest of the kids? And how does it affect new stepcouples and stepfamilies?

Precious time is lost when kids are always on the run.

I’m amazed to see how far parents will stretch themselves to be what they think are good parents after divorce and remarriage. I suspect some want to make up for what they weren’t before? Somewhat guilt driven, they try harder. But is it good parenting to exhaust yourself and the kids by driving back and forth between homes, schools and after school activities like this? Precious time is lost when kids are always on the run. It’s anything but quality time. The important question is “Can children stay connected, feel loved and cared for by divorced bio parents… but not have to be driven grueling long distances to accomplish this?

These are hard questions with no easy answers.

I would urge all parents of back and forth children to do some serious soul searching about what is truly in the best interest of the kids. Begin by having a conversation with yourself and your partners. Understand the difference between ‘quality time vs. quantity time’? Put yourself in the kids’ shoes. Kids don’t want inconveniences. They want to be with their friends. And yes, they need to be with their biological parents. They want to fit in and belong in both families. But mostly they want normal and happy lives…don’t we all?

To be honest, solving these almost impossible problems and making everyone happy is just about as easy as solving our health care needs in this country. But don’t give up trying!

Susan Wisdom is a licensed professional counselor and author of Stepcoupling. She blogs regularly at Stepcoupling.com

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Tags: divorce, divorced_couples, stepcouples, stepfamily, stepkids, visitation_rights
Posted in Guest Bloggers | 9 Comments »

The Chance To Do Something Big

Friday, January 15th, 2010

fairy_ring
I announced to Mom, “I’m thinking of giving myself a baby for my fortieth birthday.”

“Honey, there are other ways you could celebrate,” she offered. “How about a long weekend in New York… or Paris?”

“Hmmmmm. Maybe I could do both?”

I can feel her rolling her eyes at me over the phone. She thinks I’m kidding, so I continue, “Seriously Mom, forty is a big deal and I want to commemorate it with something big.”

“I know 40 is a big deal. I remember 40, but I hardly wanted a baby. But by then I had you and your stepsisters. Your stepfather gave me a surprise birthday party. I was furious. That’s all I remember.”

She’s humoring me as she often does lately when I hint that I might have finally caught the baby bug, along with celebrities Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman, and Halle Berry who became first-time mothers in their forties.

“Women are popping them out left and right at this age,” I offer. “They say, forty is the new twenty.”

“Is that right? Tell that to your eggs,” she joked.

“They say, forty is the new twenty.”

She’s politely blowing me off and I don’t blame her. She knows me better than anyone, so she’s well aware that I’ve never been the girl who wants a baby. No yearning. Nor interest. Sometimes I wondered if I was the only woman on the planet missing the mom gene. When my “maternal instinct” didn’t show up at thirty, or thirty-five, I finally decided to stop questioning it and started saying things like “some people have kittens and some people have kids.”

“You know, that’s where it starts,” said my friend Jen, mother of two.

“With cats?” I said. It was a few hours after my call with Mom and we were downtown eating lunch at Whole Foods. I’d just confessed how much I adored my orange and grey tabbies, two strays my husband rescued from Alameda Island and brought to the marriage along with, of course his boys, my stepsons.

“It’s true,” she said. “Bonding with animals is a precursor to motherhood.”

I laughed at this. “Isn’t that a bit of a stretch?” I thought, No way there’s a direct correlation between animals and children. What I loved most about Maxxy and Harry was their soft, sweet demeanor. Their limited ability to talk back. Cats were not like teenage boys. Cats had simple needs: food, sleep, cuddling. Uh Oh. Maybe Jen had a point?

While it’s true that I occasionally dress the cats up for Halloween and that I’ve made a concentrated effort to teach Maxxy to hug me, it’s not the cats, but my niece who finally got my biological clock to tick.

The three year old daughter of my California stepsister says things like “Ciao, bella” and “Watch me do my baby yoga.” She loves an afternoon Peets coffee as much as I do (although she orders hibiscus iced tea, not the heavy House Blend). She’s an avid reader and knows the difference between couscous and brown rice. She’s a delight.

Okay, I know most three-year-olds are charming and wonderful and that three-year-olds were first fragile, helpless, screaming infants. And that they grow into 16 year old girls who are as challenging (if not more) as teenage boys.

Still, it is Addie who was able to answer the question I’ve been asking myself, and others, for years: why do people have kids? Of course, depending on who it is, these answers vary and are supremely personal, but now I have MY answer– children make a family.

Why do people have kids?

Maybe this is obvious to all who have birthed and I admit I’m a decade behind most people when it comes to milestone moments. My high school and college friends all married in their twenties and started having babies soon after that. But, now, I finally get it. Kids expand the tribe. I recognize this when I’m with Addison and my California family. She literally brings something to the table: A new level of curiosity, excitement and joy.

But Izzy, you are now thinking, you already have a family. True. I have my stepfamily: my husband and his two teenage sons, a book about our life and times. And while they fill my life in sometimes surprising ways, I think I may want more.

If you ask my husband Hank, he’ll say we have enough. He’s been a daddy for practically two decades and in less than a year his oldest will be moving out of the house and going to college. Four years after that, The Young One will be on his way, too. Hank has confessed that he’s looking forward to having his kids be adults. “I can see the light at the end of the tunnel,” he said.

This makes sense in one way but this man is a serious baby guy. “You’re the one who loves babies,” I reminded him. Hank turns into Mr. Rogers with a Southern accent whenever a baby’s in sight. Whether we’re at a dinner party, holiday gathering or a park, his eyes take on that tender, weepy look and he can’t sit still or carry on an adult conversation until he’s allowed to hold the baby. So I was shocked, as you can imagine, when I heard that maybe he was no longer the baby-enthusiast.

“But, but,” I stammered, “what if I’m ready now?”

“What if I’m done?’ he said. The finality of his words caught me off guard. It took me a minute to recover and so I resorted to my default-teasing mode.

“Are you afraid your junk isn’t good anymore.” I said with a leer and a wink.

It took him a second to get where I was going. “Ohhhhh, my junk IS GOOD,” he assured me, wrapping me into a bear hug.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “It’s been a while since you tested it out.”

“Believe me,” he squeezed my ribs a little too hard, “it’s good.”

I’d cheaply won this round, but the discussion wasn’t over and what if it were true– that Hang was truly “done.” Three years ago when I was a new wife and a wildly insecure stepmom, there wasn’t a fantasy more delicious than arriving at this point– the kids moving on and me having Hank almost all to myself. Sounds pretty selfish, I know, but maybe that’s what’s changed. Parenting Hanks boys forced me to really dig and poke around my heart and to my surprise, I discovered I have more room in there than I thought. Not only that, I stumbled upon a reserve of love that now I worry might just disappear if I don’t start giving it away.

When I think about my young niece and how much her sparkly spirit has added to our family, she reminds me that if you come from good people and solid stock, like my Pennsylvania great-grandfather who was still hunting deer and bartending at eighty-nine, adding another member to the tribe is like a bonus round, or a fairy ring.

A fairy ring is the fanciful term given to the new stems that sprout out from the base of a redwood tree that has naturally died, been cut or burned. These stems grow and eventually become gigantic redwoods that form a perfect ring around the Mama tree that gave them life. It’s pretty magical stuff and as a kid I always liked crawling inside the fairy rings in Armstrong Woods, a grove of ancient redwood trees near where I grew up in California. Did you know that some redwoods survive to over 2000 years? It’s hard not to feel like you’re in the presence of a beautiful unfolding story when you look up from the forest floor, through the silent fog at these majestic survivors.

So maybe children don’t “make” a family, so much as they insure its survival and I’ve decided that’s important to me. I’ve been having these meaning of life talks with my uterus lately. I tell her she’s still a hot little number and I need her help. “But why now?” she wants to know. “Because we’re almost forty,” I tell her, “and we’ve maybe got a chance to do something big.” Who knows. Maybe she’s retired. Or maybe I’ll change my mind. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

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Tags: motherhood, stepkids, stepmotherhood, turning_40
Posted in Izzy on Stepmotherhood | 12 Comments »

Stepmom in the Spotlight: Traci Arbios

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

Introducing Ms. November!

Traci Arbios is a mom, stepmom, and working mom. She lives with and writes about her blended family of seven kids, five pets and one amazingly patient husband at www.herdingsquirrels.com. She’s also an editor and blogger on CentralValleyMoms.com, a newspaper-operated community site for moms in Central California. Her posts are syndicated through McClatchy-Tribune Information Services, appearing online and in print in about 30 some-odd cities across the U.S. Also she likes cheese. And we went to high school together.

1) Traci, you are a mom, stepmom and guardian to seven kids. Can you explain how your blended family came to be?

Oh my gawd, you know, seeing it there all written like that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. What the hell? Seven kids. Honestly, that is crazy.

And here’s the thing. It started out that I only had 3 kids, biologically speaking—which, as any mom can tell you, is one more than you have hands. That’s a fact. And then I fell for this guy who had 3 kids —don’t even get me started on hand counting—and we giggled at the whole, “We’re like the Brady Bunch!” idea. And then that joke was made about two-hundred-thousand-times by all of our friends during our first month of dating (we did have 3 boys and 3 girls, after all). And then somewhere in that span of time with all the jokes and reruns I began fantasizing about what our blended yumminess would look like. Christmas photos on the staircase. Matching acrylic sweaters. It was awesome.

Our oldest (my stepdaughter) is a rescuer. First she came home with a four-week-old kitten she’d rescued. Cute. Six weeks later, she’d “rescued” a puppy. Huh. Three months later, she came home with our soon-to-be-guardian daughter in tow. She’s the rescuer’s best friend, and was in a really unstable sleeping-on-the-mom’s-couch-while-mom-parties-all-night situation. She was practically living with us anyway, so making it official really only consisted of giving her drawer space and a toothbrush.

Since then we’ve put the kibosh on rescuing that requires cohabitation, from any family member. Period. And that’s how we came to be.

SIDE NOTE: When you’re in the middle of a whirlwind, all you see is whirlwind. It becomes normal. And this whole mish-mash of kids and pets and parents—we all really like each other. And have grown to love each other, even. We’re huge, yes, but we work and play well together.

2) Who lives in your house full time and how do you manage it (i.e remain sane)?

Our schedule has settled dramatically. Other than my two sons, who live with us during the school year and spend summers with their dad, the rest of the brood is basically with us full time. But juggling social schedules is much crazier right now; we’re more like a taxi service than individual parents.

In terms of maintaining sanity? I’m going through Lexapro like oyster crackers. Also, the “no guns are allowed in the house” (Airsoft not withstanding) dictum keeps things at an even keel, so we’re safe. Pretty much. Except for those steak knives.

3) Do you ever feel like you have different relationships with your bio-kids versus your steps? How do you spread the love?

Yes. Flat out, I do have different relationships with my bio-kids, because… well, I’ve been with them longer. I understand them more. In essence, I know how to motivate them and how to manipulate them (both of which are amazingly important tools in parenting). But I will say being a bio-mom completely gave me a leg-up on being a stepparent.

I really feel bad for the single gal who finds herself thrown into instant motherhood. (I’m looking at you here, Izzy). Any person who raises a kid must inevitably transition from being the center of her own Universe, to having her family be the center. One good thing about growing your own kids first is that one’s naturally selfish reaction as a new mother is lost on a newborn. Newborns, on the whole, don’t understand—or care—that you want time to yourself or need a nap or want to take a crap in peace or need space to feel human for awhile. And because that little nubbin is yours to keep, you have less guilt when you feel frustrated and want to throttle them.

But jumping in head first without ever having parented before? Uy. Stepkids… they arrive with someone else’s screw ups (and, okay, successes) intact. Those little monkeys have their own notions of parenthood and those notions and their related expectations—all of which are based on the hopes and the experiences of the child—are probably wildly different from yours—all of which were scrabbled together off the cuff and based on some Lifetime TV movie of the week. Worse, because stepkids are likely old enough to notice, you can’t hide your parental idiocies and mistakes behind the wall of “you’re my kid and you’ll love me no matter what.”

NEWSFLASH: I’m not actually their mom. They’re not hardwired to love me unconditionally. That’s a pretty big difference.

4) Discipline is a hot topic in the stepparenting world. How do you do it in your house?

Often. Also, fairly. I think having more kids, and everyone pretty-much with us full time, makes it easier for my household. There are rules, we all follow the rules, and there are clear consequences. You break a rule, likely it won’t get noticed by the overworked and harried parents but your siblings will rat you out in a nanosecond. The siblings also take note of who is punished and how, and make sure that we parents mete out justice equally amongst the transgressors. Thus, we both have to be even in the tough guy department. (A “No parent gets left behind holding the bag” policy, if you will.)

5) How did you meet your husband and what was your initial reaction when you learned that he came with kids from a previous marriage?

I met my husband on Cloud Nine in the Land of Perfect Men. Or you know, at work. I was divorcing, he was divorcing; we both hadn’t gotten any in a long time…

…sigh. We were both in the process of divorce when we began dating (which is the absolute wrong time to date, apparently). We’d worked together, so we knew about each other’s kids and in fact comingled at various work-related functions. It wasn’t a big deal, really, until the acrylic sweater fantasy began.

6) When do you and your husband get time alone?

About ten o’clock at night, when we crawl into bed.

7) What do you like to do together minus the kids (and yes I realize I just opened the door for you to say something depraved and dirty).

We like to have sex.

8) What’s harder- keeping the kids or the ex-wife happy?

The kids. The ex-wife and I don’t speak much—we never really have. And that’s not a me-thing, that’s a her-thing. She’s got her own stuff going on, and is pretty consumed in her own life right now. And she’s currently not involved with her kids, but I’m sure that once things settle down, we’ll continue our history of giving each other wide berth.

Okay, going back to that other question, what my husband and I do alone? We escape. Once a week we try to go on a date. It’s really critical. Sometimes our dates are full-on, dinner dates. Other times they consist of grabbing a cup of coffee at Starbucks and walking around World Market. We realized that not only do we need make time to be alone together, we actually want to be alone together. We take our marriage as seriously as our parenting, which I think couples sometimes forget to do. But whether it’s a Winco shop or a Ruth’s Chris getaway, we make time for us.

9) I love the title of your blog, Herding Squirrels. Where did this name come from? Are you the lead squirrel?

Well, thank you. The title for my blog came from something my dad used to say whenever my sisters and I got all our kids together. Trying to get a group of toddlers organized inspired a mix of desire, insanity and futility, which he likened to herding squirrels.

…And then a decade later I blend families with this awesome man. Suddenly, we have seven crazy squirrels all our own, all leaping to their own dances while my husband and I try to corral them down a path of success. Or, at least, out of our basement and away from the video games by the time they’re 40.

10) When did you launch your site and what do you like to write about?

Herdingsquirrels.com launched in 2007 and I write about… stuff. Whatever strikes me: parenting under different circumstances; surviving step parenting; politics; preparing easy meals for a large group; things that humor me; and my humble opinion are topics most often hit upon.

11) Do your kids read your site?
My kids occasionally pop in to read something, but only if I say “HEY GO CHECK OUT THIS THING I WROTE ABOUT YOU THAT YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO TELL ANYONE.” Mostly they’re too busy being awesome elsewhere to care what I write.

12) The idea of cooking for seven seems beyond daunting and I understand you’re the grocery shopper for the household. How do you fill your herd up on a daily basis?

I hear what you’re saying here, about the daunting. Each afternoon I break from the trappings of my glamorous corporate life and ponder whether I will be making dinner for nine, or just crawling into the fetal position with a bottle of wine. Most nights it’s a toss up. I get jealous of you sweet cherubic monkeys, ye who have families of three. Or four.

The decision to prepare dinner inevitably wins out. Hunger makes kids yowly, after all, and too many whiners while I’m drinking pisses me off. You know how that goes.

That said… my nine can be a tricky group to feed. Two of us are vegetarians. Two of us are obese. One of us is very underweight. One of us is very picky, and refuses to eat hardly anything of nutritional value, while two others of us load up our plates with massive amounts of food and season them with pepper or ketchup and eat maybe half of what we take. Only one of us eats everything, without complaint. That one is my favorite. (HINT: He’s also sexy and has a highly kissable nose.)

I actually enjoy being the cook for this family, in part because it guarantees casual wine consumption. But every afternoon, starting at 3:00, I stare at my computer screen, my mind’s eye focused on my larder and fridge. And I panic. So basically I feed my children panic. Well, panic and frozen peas, because vegetables are an important part of the diet.

13) I notice you’ve been nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger. What makes you the hottest of all?

My ass. Roundy at the top, flatty on the sitty part, poochy on the sides. That pretty much says it all. So go vote for me and my hot ass here .

13a) I must admit, since I’ve known you since high school, I am in awe when I look at pictures of you. You have hardly aged. What’s your secret? And is it legal?

Two words: Placental lining. Makes for a great facial. Legal? Not so much.

But that was an incredibly kind compliment to receive, and especially to hear it from you, lady of skin perfection and sultry glamour. In case the rest of you ladies are curious, Izzy looks—no joke—even better than she did in high school and college. Something in the set of her jawline, her knowing smile— or maybe it’s because she’s got that sexy smart-woman thing going on. Moreover, how is it possible, Izzy, that you look THAT GOOD while living off that Texas cheese-dip-food-stuff? I am in awe, sistah.

If you or someone you know wants to be the next Stepmom in the Spotlight, shoot me an email at izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com and flatter me like Traci has (see final quote) and I’ll consider it.

Cheers,

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Tags: herding_squirrels, stepkids, stepmom_spotlight, Stepmother's_milk, stepparenting, traci_arbios
Posted in Stepmom in the Spotlight | 4 Comments »

Stepmonster: A Review

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

stepmonster_cover_sm Stepmonster: A new Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

If you are a stepmother, this book should occupy a permanent position on your nightstand!

Ladies, do yourself a favor and go pick up a copy of Stepmonster today. It’s cheaper than therapy and it just might preserve your sanity and save your marriage. I’ve been carrying it around for weeks now, sneaking five minutes here and there to commit the more significant points to memory. The challenge is that there’s just so many. A few of my favorites:

Nobody wants a stepmother and nobody wants to be a stepmother either. Just as our stepchildren do not choose us, we do not choose them.

We need to learn as soon as possible– to experience firsthand– that being disliked is an occupational hazard for stepmothers, not a referendum on our worth.

There is no single way to be a stepmother. Nor, it turns out, is there a “right” one.

AHA! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been slumped over this book in a public place where I suddenly sit straight up and exclaim, “I knew it!” I wasn’t even finished with Chapter One before I felt compelled to track Ms. Martin down and thank her for validating so many of my mixed-up stepmommy feelings. And by explaining why we feel and act they way we do, the old, familiar feelings of guilt and inadequacy suddenly had less power over me. I went from I suck to I’m totally normal!

I went from I suck to I’m totally normal!

In one of the more provocative chapters, “She’s such a Witch!” Martin studies a common trap the modern-day stepmom falls into. She describes an overly-accommodating woman who contorts herself in an effort to be likable. In hopes of gaining love and approval from her new stepkids, she puts her marriage second and shoves her own needs aside. Sound familiar?

To avoid the old, witchy “stepmonster” accusation, Martin explains, many of us tip-toe around our stepkids, “overcompensating out of fear.” Martin shows us how destructive this can be on our marriages and similarly bad for the kids, “giving them an uncomfortable amount of power.”

I thought, Oh No. We’ve traded in wicked for wimpy? Say it isn’t so!

Thankfully, Martin provides us with a different approach, one that is realistic, attainable and allows us to reclaim our power and stop apologizing for our *appropriate* behavior. Props are due, Ms. Martin. Pretty soon we’ll be talkin’ bout a Stepmother Revolution!

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Tags: Expert Advice, review, stepkids, stepmonster, stepmother, stepparenting, Wednesday_Martin
Posted in Step News | 3 Comments »

Stepmom in the Spotlight: April the Mad Professor

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

april Introducing Ms. June!

April from Mississippi is this month’s Stepmom in the Spotlight. I met April over at Stepchicks, the popular social networking community for stepmoms. She also blogs regularly at Confessions of a Mad Professor.

April’s a true Southern woman: warm, graceful and wise– with a healthy dose of sass. I liked her right away.

1. How did you meet your husband and what was your reaction when you found out he had a daughter from a previous marriage?
My husband was my student in a college course I was teaching. He had a serious girlfriend and I was engaged at the time. We did not start dating until about 10 months later when we ran into each other again, and were both single!

He told me about his daughter right away. He had a recent picture of the two of them together, and he showed me her picture. At the time I did not believe that my husband and I were going to be long term, so I did not think it was a big deal that he had a daughter. I did think that it was adorable that he loved his little girl so much, and I could tell he was a wonderful daddy.

2. You’ve been in your stepdaughter’s life for six years. How has your relationship changed with her over that time?

My stepdaughter and I are very close. I work from home which allows me to spend tons of quality time with her. I also am very motivated to expand her mind, and show her all the fascinating things that my parents showed me as I grew up. We like to travel so I have tried to foster the traveling bug in her!

My stepdaughter is very easy to love. I met her when she was five and she will be twelve this year. She’s is very affectionate and cuddly. It is impossible not to love a little girl that curls up on the couch with you and cuddles! She loves to read and we have a lot in common in our tastes in films and books. Over the past six years, I have grown to love my stepdaughter. She is a very special little girl, and she is going to become an outstanding young woman.

3. You live in Mississippi and your stepdaughter lives in Arizona. How have you separately, and together with your husband, parented from afar?

This one is tough. Her dad feels that since he sees her so infrequently he doesn’t want to spend all his time disciplining her, so we have struggled over this issue. Although, he does want to be involved. When she was in the fourth grade and misbehaving, her mom called to discuss it with my husband. He got on the phone and let her know that if he heard about it again, he was going to get on the next plane to Phoenix and bring the discipline with him!

My husband and I have been trying to work together as a team to make sure we parent consistently. We have worked out a system with each other that allows me to signal him when he needs to intervene. This has taken time though. I would say we hadn’t gotten really good at this until about a year ago.

4. How do you stay connected with her during the school year?

My stepdaughter has a cell phone, so she and I text message every few days. We also call her frequently. We try to see her as much as possible, and usually get her at Thanksgiving, New Year’s, spring break, as well as summer. Additionally, I like to send her packages for holidays. These don’t have to be major holidays. I have sent her Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day packages before. I always try to make fill the packages with fun, inexpensive presents, and I try to include at least one thing for her other two siblings.

5. And how do you think things will change once you move closer?

I am going to be able to see her more! I cannot WAIT to take her out to dinner on a random school night, or spend a Saturday just hanging around with her. When she is with us in the summer, I have a hard time not thinking, “She leaves in four more weeks.” Living closer, I won’t have to have that sad countdown going all the time! If we don’t get something done on Saturday there will be no rush because there’s always Tuesday!

6. What’s your relationship like with your husband’s ex-wife?

I get along with my stepdaughter’s bio-mom VERY well. I would even call us friends. She and my husband married very young. They were divorced long before I came on the scene. We have always gotten along, but it is nice that we like each other. We even went out and socialized together when I was in Phoenix for spring break.

On the other hand, my stepdaughter wishes we didn’t get along quite so well. She has always been a bright child and made the remark that, “She could not get away with anything because we compare notes.” I like my life relatively drama-free, and getting along makes things so nice. A southern woman, I am always polite, but I knew at the very beginning that if I was going to be in my husband’s life then she was going to be in my life, too. It would suit everyone better if we could get along. It turns out she and I have a lot in common, and getting along was a piece of cake!

7. Do you want to have children of your own? Why? Is everyone on board with this?

I don’t know if I want to have children of my own. I kind of do. My husband definitely wants one more. I waffle back and forth. I like my lifestyle. I know that kids will upset that lifestyle. My stepdaughter is old enough now I can take her places when I want to go. I dragged her all over New York City over New Year’s this year, and she did not complain…not even once and it was 18 degrees. I have a tendency to go out of town frequently, and I know that having a child will diminish my ability to travel. I realize that sounds selfish, but I have lived that way for thirty-two years. It is hard to imagine how my life would change if I had a child.

My stepdaughter is totally against us having a child. She even pouts when we talk about getting another dog! She has a brother and a sister at her mom’s house, and I know she enjoys being a part-time, only child. I probably have not helped in this respect because I spoil her rotten.

8. Talk about your blog, Confessions of a Mad Professor. Where did the name come from… How long have you had the blog…Who do you write it for?

I am an online college professor. My husband calls me the absent-minded professor because I am! I’m also pretty eccentric. Since I’ve always had an affinity for Lewis Carroll’s Mad Hatter, I couldn’t resist naming the blog “Confessions of a Mad Professor.” The blog covers a myriad of topics including my online work, my PhD. program, my marriage, and family. I have had the blog for two years.

9. How do you meet other stepmoms?

I do not have one single stepmom friend in real life. That’s a situation that is going to be rectified when I get to Phoenix… immediately after I unpack my tooth brush. I do meet other stepmoms online at Stepchicks and the Second Wives Café.

10. What’s one piece of advice you have for other stepmoms or for single ladies dating divorced men?

I have two: The first is you need to look deep in yourself. If your future skiddos are going to be very young when you get married then you need to decide if you can love those kids like you would love your own children. If the answer is no then you really need to decide if you should be involved in the relationship.

Two: When dealing with the biological mom, you have to realize that at one time your husband loved her. I personally think that my husband has impeccable taste in women, and his ex is an outstanding person. She’s just not right for him. It helped me at the beginning to keep that in mind.

Visit April at Confessions of a Mad Professor.