Introducing Ms. August!

Rebecca from Bristol, UK writes the humorous blog La Belle Mere: confused musings of a stepmother on the edge, and is a member of Stepchicks, the popular online community for steps.

She’s been married less than five years and is stepmom to two kids. She says, “Blending into an existing family brings with it a whole host of trials and tribulations, most of which have been dealt with by tears (mine), tantrums (also mine), excessive wine drinking and emergency fag smoking (definitely mine!).”

Rebecca has a great attitude and spirit and when I discovered her online, I courted her right away. Here’s our interview:

1. How did you meet “Hubbs” and what was your reaction when you found out he had kids?

Well, Simon (yes I’m revealing his name, on Stepmothers Milk, Live & Exclusive!!!) is the brother of a friend of mine, so I’d met him a few times before we actually started dating. I thought he was totally hot (and he thought the same about me – naturally!) but we were both in relationships with other people. A year or two later, when both of our previous relationships had ended for various reasons, Simon asked me if I’d like to go out with him for a drink so I happily accepted. We got along brilliantly and there was lots of chemistry! The rest, as they say, is history. I knew that he had kids long before we started dating so it was no great shock. In fact, as I never really wanted kids of my own, I quite liked the idea of a little “ready-made, weekend family” as a sort of half-way measure!! I thought it would be great fun! Oh the naivety!!!

2. At the time, did you know many other single gals who were also dating divorced men with kids? What’s the general attitude about this in the UK?

Well I have one good friend, Sophie, who married a man with a daughter who lives with them weekdays and with her bio-mum at the weekends. But Sophie is one of THE MOST laid back people I know and isn’t much of a complainer. She takes everything in stride. So I’d never heard her utter a word about how difficult it was. It was only once I was in too deep and asked her about her experiences that she admitted she often finds it hard!! Well thanks for the warning mate!! ;-)

There is no real understanding of step-family issues in the UK. People have lots of “opinions”, especially on what’s best for the kids, or feelings of sympathy for the bio-parents but there is no real understanding of the emotions and issues faced by step-parents. The general opinion seems to be “Well you knew he had kids when you married him!”. Do we tell people that have troublesome mother-in-laws, “Well you knew he had a mother when you married him?” It’s ridiculous.

3. You discovered the online community stepchicks in the U.S, joined and quickly became an active member. Is there anything comparable to this in the UK?

For the past two years I have been using a UK forum site called Childless Stepmums Forum which is fantastic. There are lots of our stepchicks on there, although most of the ladies are from the UK. It’s great because it’s totally anonymous so the ladies are painfully honest. I don’t think I could have gotten through the first year or two without that site! I started a secret Facebook group for the CSM forum so that regular users could join up and we could all see what each other looked like and what our real names were. We’ve all become really good online buddies and I’ve even met up with a couple of the ladies for lunch which has been great. We’re actually all meeting up for a picnic in Hyde Park in London in August which I’m really looking forward to! It makes such a difference to be able to share difficult feelings with people that understand where you are coming from.

4. Tell us a little bit about your blog, La Belle Mere. Why and when did you start it?

It dawned upon me that writing a little anonymous online diary would be a great cleansing experience where I could vent my woes. I got such great response from fellow bloggers that I’ve got no woes to moan about any more! Seriously, it’s made me a much happier person! It’s so lovely to get a regular drip feed of ego-stroking positivity, and I generally feel much happier as a result. So the blog has become less about my problems and more witty and fun. I’ve been writing the blog for a month now and I’ve been blown away by the response. It’s been such an uplifting experience for me and I’m totally hooked. It’s great to count all these amazing, intelligent, inspiring women as friends of mine!

5. How would you describe your approach to stepparenting? And how do the kids feel about you?

My approach to stepparenting is much more relaxed than it used to be. I used to be totally over-sensitive of every little thing that the kids did or said, and bent over backwards to make them like me and got distraught if I thought they didn’t. If they were disobedient toward me I’d take it really personally and totally lose the plot. Now I don’t give a monkeys! I tell them off if they’re naughty, I make them do chores and I say NO to them a lot more than I used to. If I don’t want to spend the day with them I have no qualms about taking time out and going to the hairdressers or out with friends instead. I take each day as it comes – if I’m having a “Mary Poppins” day I sit and do crafts with them and take them to the library. If I’m not really in the mood, I get the hell out of there! But I don’t feel guilty if I do.

I’m lucky in that I have a pretty good relationship with both the sproglings. Max is 7 and Teagan is 6. I’ve always had a strong bond with Teagan. Max, who is a little older was a tougher nut to crack! We didn’t click straight away. It took a while for trust to form on both sides. But we all have a great relationship now and I get lots of cuddles and kisses although Max thinks kissing girls is pretty gross so he tends to opt out of that one. I wonder how long he’ll think that for?!

6. What’s your husband’s attitude about your new role in the family?

I thank my lucky stars every day for my wonderful, supportive husband. Right from the start he has made it clear to the kids that he will not stand for them treating me disrespectfully. He has always trusted me to discipline them as I see fit and we always operate as a united front. Hubbs grew up in a stepfamily environment so I think these values were instilled into him as a child – thankfully for me! I hear lots of horror stories about women whose husbands are “permissive parents” and who don’t back them up and let the kids treat them disrespectfully because of their own guilt. It doesn’t work. I’m sure I wouldn’t have stuck it out if that had been the case. I do think he, like me, was naive at the start of our relationship and had unrealistic ideas about how it would work. He very often just couldn’t understand why I struggled to adjust. We’ve both come very close to walking away a few times but we always manage to work through things and learn from it. We are both honest communicators and we are now more than aware of what it takes to make things work and we’ve both made lots of changes to make that happen. It has definitely made our relationship stronger.

7. What’s been the hardest thing/best thing about becoming an insta-mom?

The hardest thing for me has been adjusting emotionally. Us stepmothers can come up against a whole lot of judgment, scrutiny, jealousy and resentment when we join an existing family so we have to grow a thick-skin and fast! I also discovered a dark-side to myself that I never knew I had! I have had lots of therapy and suffered from some fairly severe bouts of depression. I recently went through a course of CBT therapy which has been absolutely fantastic for me and totally changed the way I think about things.

The best thing is having the kids in my life. I’ve grown a huge amount as a person and done a lot of work on myself which has been hugely beneficial. And finally, I’ve discovered a whole community of amazing women, and have friends across the globe through my blogging and online stepmum groups. Adversity really DOES bring people together and it’s a really great bonus!

8. What advice do you have for other new steps?

A. GO EASY ON YOURSELF!!!!! Do not beat yourself up for struggling with difficult emotions – it’s completely normal. Seek out other online stepmothers for support. Get a good therapist if you can afford it. If not, invest in plenty of stepmothering literature! And if you need a “Time Out”, take it – tired and resentful does not a good stepmother make!

B. Don’t struggle in silence with arrangements that you are not happy with, thinking that you have no right to ask for what you want or set boundaries. Make it clear from the start what you will stand for and what you won’t.

C. Never try and replace their real mother. You’ll fail. You’ll also pee the BM off! Remember your role and try not to “over-step”. .

D. See the funny side – write a blog! If you’re not brave enough (or stupid enough!!) to publish your innermost emotions on the web, then keep a diary – but make it as humorous as possible. Seeing the funny side in these things helps to neutralize them.

E. Make a note of 3 positive things in your life every day. Even it’s something really small and trivial. Stop and smell the flowers!

You can continue the conversation with Rebecca at La Belle Mere

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