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Stepmom in the Spotlight: April the Mad Professor

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

april Introducing Ms. June!

April from Mississippi is this month’s Stepmom in the Spotlight. I met April over at Stepchicks, the popular social networking community for stepmoms. She also blogs regularly at Confessions of a Mad Professor.

April’s a true Southern woman: warm, graceful and wise– with a healthy dose of sass. I liked her right away.

1. How did you meet your husband and what was your reaction when you found out he had a daughter from a previous marriage?
My husband was my student in a college course I was teaching. He had a serious girlfriend and I was engaged at the time. We did not start dating until about 10 months later when we ran into each other again, and were both single!

He told me about his daughter right away. He had a recent picture of the two of them together, and he showed me her picture. At the time I did not believe that my husband and I were going to be long term, so I did not think it was a big deal that he had a daughter. I did think that it was adorable that he loved his little girl so much, and I could tell he was a wonderful daddy.

2. You’ve been in your stepdaughter’s life for six years. How has your relationship changed with her over that time?

My stepdaughter and I are very close. I work from home which allows me to spend tons of quality time with her. I also am very motivated to expand her mind, and show her all the fascinating things that my parents showed me as I grew up. We like to travel so I have tried to foster the traveling bug in her!

My stepdaughter is very easy to love. I met her when she was five and she will be twelve this year. She’s is very affectionate and cuddly. It is impossible not to love a little girl that curls up on the couch with you and cuddles! She loves to read and we have a lot in common in our tastes in films and books. Over the past six years, I have grown to love my stepdaughter. She is a very special little girl, and she is going to become an outstanding young woman.

3. You live in Mississippi and your stepdaughter lives in Arizona. How have you separately, and together with your husband, parented from afar?

This one is tough. Her dad feels that since he sees her so infrequently he doesn’t want to spend all his time disciplining her, so we have struggled over this issue. Although, he does want to be involved. When she was in the fourth grade and misbehaving, her mom called to discuss it with my husband. He got on the phone and let her know that if he heard about it again, he was going to get on the next plane to Phoenix and bring the discipline with him!

My husband and I have been trying to work together as a team to make sure we parent consistently. We have worked out a system with each other that allows me to signal him when he needs to intervene. This has taken time though. I would say we hadn’t gotten really good at this until about a year ago.

4. How do you stay connected with her during the school year?

My stepdaughter has a cell phone, so she and I text message every few days. We also call her frequently. We try to see her as much as possible, and usually get her at Thanksgiving, New Year’s, spring break, as well as summer. Additionally, I like to send her packages for holidays. These don’t have to be major holidays. I have sent her Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day packages before. I always try to make fill the packages with fun, inexpensive presents, and I try to include at least one thing for her other two siblings.

5. And how do you think things will change once you move closer?

I am going to be able to see her more! I cannot WAIT to take her out to dinner on a random school night, or spend a Saturday just hanging around with her. When she is with us in the summer, I have a hard time not thinking, “She leaves in four more weeks.” Living closer, I won’t have to have that sad countdown going all the time! If we don’t get something done on Saturday there will be no rush because there’s always Tuesday!

6. What’s your relationship like with your husband’s ex-wife?

I get along with my stepdaughter’s bio-mom VERY well. I would even call us friends. She and my husband married very young. They were divorced long before I came on the scene. We have always gotten along, but it is nice that we like each other. We even went out and socialized together when I was in Phoenix for spring break.

On the other hand, my stepdaughter wishes we didn’t get along quite so well. She has always been a bright child and made the remark that, “She could not get away with anything because we compare notes.” I like my life relatively drama-free, and getting along makes things so nice. A southern woman, I am always polite, but I knew at the very beginning that if I was going to be in my husband’s life then she was going to be in my life, too. It would suit everyone better if we could get along. It turns out she and I have a lot in common, and getting along was a piece of cake!

7. Do you want to have children of your own? Why? Is everyone on board with this?

I don’t know if I want to have children of my own. I kind of do. My husband definitely wants one more. I waffle back and forth. I like my lifestyle. I know that kids will upset that lifestyle. My stepdaughter is old enough now I can take her places when I want to go. I dragged her all over New York City over New Year’s this year, and she did not complain…not even once and it was 18 degrees. I have a tendency to go out of town frequently, and I know that having a child will diminish my ability to travel. I realize that sounds selfish, but I have lived that way for thirty-two years. It is hard to imagine how my life would change if I had a child.

My stepdaughter is totally against us having a child. She even pouts when we talk about getting another dog! She has a brother and a sister at her mom’s house, and I know she enjoys being a part-time, only child. I probably have not helped in this respect because I spoil her rotten.

8. Talk about your blog, Confessions of a Mad Professor. Where did the name come from… How long have you had the blog…Who do you write it for?

I am an online college professor. My husband calls me the absent-minded professor because I am! I’m also pretty eccentric. Since I’ve always had an affinity for Lewis Carroll’s Mad Hatter, I couldn’t resist naming the blog “Confessions of a Mad Professor.” The blog covers a myriad of topics including my online work, my PhD. program, my marriage, and family. I have had the blog for two years.

9. How do you meet other stepmoms?

I do not have one single stepmom friend in real life. That’s a situation that is going to be rectified when I get to Phoenix… immediately after I unpack my tooth brush. I do meet other stepmoms online at Stepchicks and the Second Wives Café.

10. What’s one piece of advice you have for other stepmoms or for single ladies dating divorced men?

I have two: The first is you need to look deep in yourself. If your future skiddos are going to be very young when you get married then you need to decide if you can love those kids like you would love your own children. If the answer is no then you really need to decide if you should be involved in the relationship.

Two: When dealing with the biological mom, you have to realize that at one time your husband loved her. I personally think that my husband has impeccable taste in women, and his ex is an outstanding person. She’s just not right for him. It helped me at the beginning to keep that in mind.

Visit April at Confessions of a Mad Professor.

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Tags: Expert Advice, stepfamilies, stepkids, stepmom_interview, stepmom_in_the_spotlight, stepparenting_advice
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Stepmom in the Spotlight: Jill Doughtie

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008

Introducing Ms. January!

Jill Doughtie writes regularly at the DHX, a fantastic blog that focuses primarily on the stepmom and bio-mom relationship. Jill (stepmom) and Kathy (biomom) are an inspiring example of how patience, good humor and fortitude can create a blended family where everyone’s happy (at least most of the time).

1) Talk a little about your decision to start a blog with your husband’s ex. How did this come about and what were your hopes for putting it out there?

Kathy and I were in a coffee shop together talking about money and the kids and wanting more money to pursue the kids’ goals and our goals. I think we’d both been playing with the idea of asking the other one to collaborate on a writing project about the mom-stepmom relationship. Neither one of us knew that the other one had been thinking about it, and we both thought the other wouldn’t be interested. We realized that afternoon that we were both very interested, and that we also might be able to make money together to pursue some of the goals we’d been talking about. We decided to start with a blog with the goal of ultimately writing a book together.

2) And what about this relationship with the ex? I get a sense that you and Kathy were not always so close, but now consider each other family and friends. How did this happen?

We were friendly when we first met — I think we both had warm, good first impressions of each other. We didn’t know each other well when I moved in with G, but what we knew of each other we liked. When I moved in with G, Kathy and I were both all of a sudden deeply in each other’s space and very surprised. We did the best we knew how to do, but after a while, our best turned into not talking to each other for a year. That year of not talking was one of the most tortured, unhappy years of my life.

“I needed to commit to actively working to understand her perspective, address her concerns, and communicate my own feelings and needs more clearly.”

I hit a point where I realized I’d do whatever I had to do to be happy again. Even if it meant reexamining my basic ideas about who I was and how things were supposed to be. I read stacks and stacks of books, and slowing began to understand how it would be quite possible for her to see me as the bad guy, and how, if the relationship was important to me, I needed to commit to actively working to understand her perspective, address her concerns, and communicate my own feelings and needs more clearly. If the relationship was important to me, I needed to take action. I could not waste time sulking. I realized that the relationship was very important to me, because as long as I was with G, she and I would be in each other’s lives. I came to see the choice as staying with G and reconciling with Kathy, or leaving. And I was in love with G and wanted to stay.

I emailed her at first and told her I was sorry. We started meeting to talk at restaurants. She was very receptive, open and willing to talk and to listen. It wasn’t easy at first, but it felt good. It felt right. I started to feel like myself again. We got to know each other as people. We started using the word “friend” about each other. It felt strange at first, but more and more comfortable over time. We started to grow closer and to trust each other more. Kathy had to go to the hospital suddenly for surgery early this last fall, and that’s when the “family” part really gelled. She was in the hospital for about a week, and I asked her if she wanted me to come visit her, and she said yes, and I came and stayed with her as much as I could during that week. It was pure joy. We were just quiet together a lot. We talked some. Mostly we just knew that we loved each other. And that felt really good.

3) Give a little history. When did you get married? Who are these stepkids of yours and what has your relationship with them been like?

I met G in early 2003, met Kathy and the kids in late 2003, moved in with G in early 2005, and married G in early 2007. The kids, Chris and Jack, are 15 and 12. They are warm, funny, handsome kids. I love them. G waited to introduce me to them until we were pretty serious, and I took my time getting to know them after that. We moved slowly.

4) How did you win these kids over? Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with them today.

All the books said, “Don’t try to take the place of their mom. Don’t come in and make a bunch of new rules.” I followed that advice. G and Kathy set the directions parenting-wise. Also, I try to learn about things I know the kids are interested in. For a while we were playing video games together. That was a great bonding experience. I’ll probably never have the same blood-bond close relationship they have with G and Kathy, but that’s okay. That’s natural. And it’s not a competition.

I think the number one thing I did to bond with them was open my heart to their mom, though.

5) What is hardest about being a stepmom? Feeling like an outsider? Talk about this.

Feeling like an outsider is hard. It’s probably the hardest thing about being a stepmom for me. I still feel like I’m in a country where everyone else is speaking their native tongue, and I will never be a native speaker of their language. We might eventually all find that we’ve moved and that we’re in new country and that we’re speaking a new language that is a combination of our native languages. But I don’t think we’re there yet. Kathy says she feels like an outsider, too, though. Maybe all five of us feel like outsiders to a certain extent. It would be nice if we all felt like insiders together.

6) What is something you have learned from reading other women’s blogs?

People are beautiful and messed up and no one really knows what they are doing, including me. The world is full of normal, amazing, messed up, beautiful people.

7) What are the benefits to the kids for all loving each other, like you mention in one of your recent posts?

The kids don’t have to live in the middle of a cold war. The kids don’t have to worry about taking care of us. The kids get to concentrate on being kids. They don’t have to worry as much about about divided loyalty. They don’t have to live quite such schizophrenic lives. Both sides of their DNA are validated. They get to see the grown-ups they love getting along.

If you want to hear more about Jill and Kathy’s sweet household, visit them here.

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Tags: DHX, Expert Advice, jill_doughtie, los_angeles, stepfamilies, stepfamily, stepkids, stepmom_in_the_spotlight, stepparenting_advice
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Stepmom in the Spotlight: Simplicity in the Burbs

Monday, October 1st, 2007

Introducing Ms. October!

Samara Tilkens Postuma lives in Suburban Minnesota and writes at Simplicity in the Suburbs. As a sister blogger and stepmother of two, I was thrilled to ask her about her unique experiences being a stepmom. If you have not stumbled upon her site yet, I encourage you to check her out.

Q1) How did you become a stepmom? Talk a bit about your step-kids (age, sex, relationship to you).

I met Jeff when I was 20 years old. He was a divorced single dad of two. He was 29 at the time. I was a college student/nanny and thought this was so not going to work out. We got married about 18 months after we started dating. My step kids are 6 (Madison) and 8 (Tyler) and I met them when they were 20 months and almost four, respectively. Just thinking about that is crazy since my son Henry is almost 18 months. It’s weird to think I have known Madison since she was just a little older than him. WOW!

Q2) How did you feel about becoming an instant mom? Did you grow up in a step-family and if not, what was your perception of the “blended” family?

I did not grow up in a blended family and my perception of divorce and stepfamilies was not a good one. I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian family and we did not talk about divorce. I knew maybe three kids from school who were in stepfamilies, but I don’t ever remember hearing about stepmoms, only the stepdads.

Becoming an “instant mom” should have probably been scarier than it was for me. When Jeff and I were dating and later engaged, I was working as a nanny and had been for awhile, so I kind of figured I had the whole parenting thing down. Was I ever wrong or what?!? But I knew that as long as I wanted to be with Jeff, Tyler and Madison were a part of the picture and I would never ever change that. I love having them in my life and being able to share life with them.

Q3) You have had your own child. How is that relationship different (if it is) to that with your step-kids?

Having children together was always part of our plan, and still is. Adding Henry to the mix was a different kind of challenge, but one we certainly wouldn’t trade. Tyler and Maddy love him and he loves them so much.

Q4) What is/has been the biggest challenge for you as a stepmom? Best things?

The biggest challenge is that this is a role that you get no training, experience and feedback for. Yes, there are hundreds and thousands of books, articles and essays written on it, but there is really nothing that will teach you what life will be like. When Jeff and I got engaged I searched high and low for resources because the last thing I wanted to do was be the “evil stepmother” that movies and TV so often depict. I seriously came up mostly empty because many of the things I’ve seen and read are outdated or just don’t even begin to fit our family. That’s why I often say, someday I’ll write my book.

Another huge challenge is the stereotypes and judgments associated with being a stepmom, especially a young stepmom. I received a lot (more than I’d even like to remember) of criticism when I started dating Jeff. His age didn’t bother people, but the fact that he was divorced with kids certainly did. People make all sorts of assumptions about our family and the roles we all play, but we’re all realizing it doesn’t really matter. The hurdle to get over is really just not caring what anyone else thinks or says.

The best part about being a stepmom is having two children love on me for no other reason than that I am their stepmom. They bring so much joy! The good moments and memories far outweigh anything else. Even just hearing them both get excited about me getting to be “Stepmom of the Month.”

Q5) Explain the living arrangement- back and forth with bio mom- does this work out well?

Our typical arrangement is that the kids are with Jeff and I from Saturday until Wednesday and with their mom from Wednesday to Saturday. However, I use the word “typical” loosely because it seems we are always making changes and working different things out. That is a bonus to getting along and being able to work together. It’s a 50/50 split and even though some weeks might be different, we try to make sure it all comes out in the end. We live in the same school district less than 3 miles apart so this schedule works out nicely for us right now because we get to share the week and the weekend for the most part.

Q6) What is your relationship like with the Ex?

How much time do you have?!? The kids’ mom and I have a great relationship. We talk just about daily (or sometimes multiple times daily) about the kids, life, work…we are able to laugh with each other about the silliness of our lives. We haven’t always been that way. There was more than one awkward day and moment with each other. But I think that we both know that we are pretty much going to be in each others lives for awhile, so we might as well enjoy it. We share a mutual respect and I have always been straightforward in saying that I am NOT the kids mom, she is.

I give her a lot of credit because I’ve said many times over that I don’t know that I would be able to be as kind and full of grace as she has been with me.

Q7) How do you make time for your relationship with your husband?

This was much easier before we had Henry because when we didn’t have Tyler and Madison home we could have date nights or make plans those days. Now that we have Henry we have to be more deliberate about getting out together and get a sitter and actually plan what we are going to do. It’s important that we have time to be with each other every day without the craziness of life, and sometimes we do fall victim to that. We try to prioritize and plan nights out with just the two of us as much as we can.

Q8) Best piece of advice for new stepmoms?

This is a hard one for me. I feel like every family and every situation is so different, so it’s hard to say what would work or not work. Some key things I think that have helped our family are: communicating, being respectful of every parent involved, saying you’re sorry when you screw up, and realizing that the kids are what’s important.

Did any of Samara’s comments hit home? Start a new thread in the Whole Milk forum or leave a comment on this post.

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Tags: samara_tamara, simplicity_in_the_suburbs, stepfamilies, stepfamily, stepmom_in_the_spotlight, stepparenting_advice
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Stepmom in the Spotlight: Izzy’s Mom

Sunday, July 1st, 2007

Introducing Ms. July!

Susan lives in Sonoma County, CA. Susan is a stepmom and a bio-mom (and okay, MY mom). All three of her daughters are now in their thirties and raising families of their own. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

We “blended” his two daughters with my one daughter when they were 8, 10 and 11. I think it was good that our kids already knew and pretty much liked each other. We bought a house that would hold three kids even though I initially expected that his daughters would spend more time with their mother who lived in Michigan. My daughter went back and forth from our house to her dad’s which was only a few blocks away. My stepdaughters took turns living with their mother for an occasional school year and almost every summer, but much of the time we were a five-person household.

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

Going from a small family to a big one. I felt like I had no free time or free space, although fortunately my husband and I had our bedroom on the second floor and the kids were downstairs. So there was some escape from the chaos. And it was chaotic because the kids’ lives were hectic and we were two busy working parents very much involved with our careers.

In the early years I worried and felt guilty that my daughter was not getting enough of me. One of my husband’s daughters missed her mother and I felt bad that I couldn’t make up for that. My other stepdaughter and I didn’t get along in the early years and had screaming fights. It was a tough beginning and times when I truly worried about what I had taken on.

The universal issue. It takes a while for you to fall in love with the man. So how can you expect yourself to fall instantly in love with his kids? And he with yours. But it does happen.
Q3:

What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

We had a very full, wild and crazy house. We were not a quiet house. There was always something happening, but even the drama, in looking back, it helped me grow into a more accepting, big hearted person. I learned from the kids. We had our bloodbaths but we had a lot of laughs, too. My daughters – I don’t use the term step daughters anymore – are smart, funny, delightful, caring women. When we get together I sit back and watch our reassembled circus, and I feel very fortunate.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Make sure your health insurance covers family counseling.

Q5:
How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I had a group of women who were also stepmothers. We shared stories, went on women-only get-aways, laughed bitterly, cried happily, drank too much, smoked a little pot. One week every year I fled California and went back east to visit my sister.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

My husband and I were in sync all along with how to raise our kids. We both wanted our marriage to work and honestly discussed how to do that with a couples counselor.. the same guy who was our family counselor. We took off on weekends (rarely) leaving the kids with a friend or with my in-laws. But we never really did get to live like a couple until the daughters were all in college and we moved to Europe for two years.

Did any of Susan’s comments hit home? Open a dialogue in the Whole Milk forum or leave a comment on this post.