Introducing Ms. February 2010!

Molly Schaar lives in Elkhart, Indiana. She’s 25 and married to a divorced man seventeen years her senior. She has three stepchildren, aged 18, 15, and 7 and a one-year-old baby girl with her husband. She blogs regularly at Stepchicks under the name, Step Up Mom 4 Life. Her personal motto is “take the high road.”

1) Hi Molly. How did you meet your husband? What did your girlfriends think about the 17-year difference between the two of you?

I met my husband when I moved to the Indiana area a few years ago for a job offer where he also worked. I became close with many of the staff that worked in collaboration with my department, including him.

It was not love at first sight! Knowing each others situation and the stark differences between us made imagining a relationship all but impossible. I was young, at the height of my social life and career, and was very focused on moving up and continuing my education. My husband was divorced with custody of 3 children and did not invite anything into his life that would distract him from giving them everything he had. His life was all coloring, barbies, softball, and working through the aftermath of his divorce.

I credit the beginning of our relationship to our colleague, Juanita, who was a dear friend to both of us. Bless her soul, she saw something we didn’t and dropped oblivious hints everyday for the better part of five months that we should spend time together and get to know one another better. She got the rest of our co-workers to push as well and eventually we finally decided to go to lunch together just to get them to stop!

True romance for us grew over time. That lunch was the beginning of not wanting our conversations to end and realizing that all those differences were nothing compared to the similarities and shared perspective for the future. When my husband realized I was as serious as he was about his children, we began falling in love as a family. I took my time getting to know the kids. Not pushing, just being present. They opened their arms to me when they were ready and we grew together until we were all ready to become a family.

When my husband realized I was as serious as he was about his children, we began falling in love as a family.

The kids gave us the blessing…and when we announced our engagement, Juanita was the one who laughed the hardest. She knew. She knew what we didn’t and what we now thank God we had the chance to discover. She is no longer with us, but I know she’s in heaven, still laughing.

As for the age difference…it’s not something everyone agrees or will agree with. There’s a lot of assumptions that go along with the age gap generation. Some people sexualize our relationship and undermine our abilities as not only a couple, but as parents. That can be frustrating. The assumption is that someone my age cannot handle the responsibilities of raising children or stepchildren or someone my husband’s age is just living his horny teenage fantasy. That may be crude to say, but it’s a lot of what we hear and see when people are against us. The truth is in our daily lives. We commit ourselves and every resource to our children and toward improving their lives in a constant and meaningful way. We now have a biological child of our own, but consider all 4 children truly ours. We have wonderful relationships with all our children. I love them like they are my own, while respecting they have a different mother, and they know that.

I was lucky to have girlfriends that asked tough questions (which they would have done to any poor shmuck who wanted to marry me, regardless of age!) but were quick to be supportive realizing the deep love and faith that had developed between us and with our children. I believe that when people take the time to understand the situation and not only how we feel, but how our children feel, they understand the reason we became husband and wife.

2) What is your relationship like with the kids? What is the one thing you’d like to change about that relationship?

My relationship with the kids is like any parental relationship. You have your great moments and your challenging moments. You are going to struggle, inevitably. That’s the part no parent enjoys, but every parent has to accept responsibility for and still love their children through [it all]. We’ve struggled at times to find common points or to understand each other, and that was and is still expected. It’s the tough times that really define your relationship and make you family.

It takes tremendous patience and diligence to show a child you love them when you are telling them something they don’t want to hear, especially since you aren’t “mom.” I’ve heard that before and I don’t doubt I’ll hear it again. I’m a big proponent in not just being there when it’s easy or fun, but in being there for my kids when the going gets tough. My role isn’t to be their mom or to take over for their mom in her absence, but to offer guidance and truthful, sometimes blunt, advice and perspective… as I am still an adult and they are still children in comparison.

We share in a relationship I know some stepfamilies struggle to attain. I have been very lucky to have such wonderful stepchildren to open their arms to loving me and accepting me so easily in comparison to the hundreds of stories I hear from other stepparents. My stepchildren know 3 things: I love them unconditionally as if they were my own and I always will; I wouldn’t be here or stay here if I thought my relationship with them or their father hindered them in any way and; I believe they have double the love with double the parents in their corner. (And double the Christmas and Birthday gifts, cause that’s what it’s all about right?)

I wouldn’t change my relationship with my stepchildren. I am very lucky to share in a relationship that is honest, while very loving. I feel accepted as a stepmom and friend, and feel they trust me and are honest with me when they need someone else.

3) What is your relationship like with your husband’s ex? How do you manage boundaries?

Initially my husband’s ex and I did not see eye to eye. It’s just a natural instinct to question or doubt someone when it comes to the welfare of your children. I don’t fault my husband’s ex for having protective instincts as a mother and I don’t fault myself for having some defenses of my own as the new stepmom trying to find my place. In the end, peace is always more enjoyable for everyone and far more beneficial to raising responsible, well-rounded adults. I know peace is just not possible in every situation like ours, but when it is, I hope parents pursue it.

We are now lucky enough to share in a relationship that consists of regular communication, laughter, and the exchange of ideas and support as parents to our common children. She is very kind to my own child and I outreach to her stepchildren with her current husband. We may not all live in the same house or have the same rules, but we are family in a lot of ways.

We recognize the necessity of consistency for the kids, as well as being able to look to us as the role models. We strongly feel that seeing positive interaction in an open and honest manner, even when there are disagreements, provides our kids the opportunity to do the same in their future.

As for managing boundaries- we respect and recognize the differences between the two households. We have our own rules here and they have theirs. We don’t always agree with everything the other does, but we still respect that’s what works for them. When it comes to bigger issues or working towards a larger goal, we come together and try to find a common solution or idea. We also steal from each other- good ideas that work with the kids are worthy of repetition across the board. For me it’s always considering stepping up, stepping back, and stepping aside. I step up as I’m needed and when it’s important to, and step back when I need to consider what is right, but I know there are times it’s important to step aside. Ultimately, she’s their mother. Period.

For me it’s always considering stepping up, stepping back, and stepping aside.

4) What allowed you to walk away from your single gal lifestyle and marry a divorced man with kids?

When I started getting to know my husband, something just clicked. There was more difficulty being with him than anyone I had ever dated. It didn’t take long for me to understand the importance of being a partner to someone, a support, and a best friend. When you have something as precious as children to consider, it sort of puts everything in perspective.

I used to work full-time making more money than I knew what to do with and spent a lot of time alone or with friends. When I first moved to Indiana, I lived a very carefree schedule outside my job. I shopped regularly without thought to price or sales, didn’t think about a budget or money worries, and enjoyed the luxury of coming and going as I pleased. I shopped at high end stores, went and got my hair done, ate out at least every week. I used to be able to sleep till noon.

Now, I am home full-time caring my baby girl and getting my other kids to school, getting homework done, cooking meals, and keeping track of everyone’s schedules. We can’t just go when we want unless we can find a sitter. We live on a budget. I shop at discount stores and realize the necessity of it with 4 children. We eat at home regularly and think hard when we do spend extra money. I don’t think I’ve slept past 8am in the last year and I know I haven’t seen a salon in too long.

Most people would consider that transition daunting or giving up so much difficult. I think a lot of people had different expectations of where I would be at my age. I understand that. I wouldn’t have put myself here a few years ago either. But I am so incredibly happy and while I know I could be somewhere entirely different, I’m glad God led me here.

5) Are you a stepdaughter? What was your expectation of what a stepfamily would look and feel like? What advice (if any) has your own mother given you?

I am not a stepdaughter, but I am what my parents call a “foreign import” aka international adoptee. I never knew my biological family and I believe that’s where I get the mentality that family isn’t just about blood relations. Family is defined by who was there to support you and guide you.

I never knew my biological family and I believe that’s where I get the mentality that family isn’t just about blood relations

I didn’t really have any expectations of what a steppfamily would look like. Frankly- I don’t think I gave it much thought until I was dating my husband. When I considered the idea that I might become a stepmom, I read a lot of books, did some internet research, joined some chat forums, and realized it could be a challenge. I knew I would have to be firm in my love for my husband and my new children and trust in that, no matter what was against us.

I’m pretty sure I sent both my parents into shock when I announced my marriage. I think they thought it was a bad joke. It was troubling for them because I was in such a different direction prior and it caused some tension for a while. I understand why. They were trying to protect me because they won’t ever stop being my parents just like I won’t ever stop wanting to protect my children no matter how old they get. Over time we’ve healed. My parents support and love us and I appreciate them on new levels, just by being a stepmom and then becoming a mother myself.

My mother has tried to impart the importance of taking care of myself, my marriage, and cherishing my time as my children grow. She and my father also encourage me to continue in pursuits I had prior to being married, which included furthering my education and pursuing a career I find fulfilling.

I immensely enjoy being home and feel it’s the right thing to do by my baby and my other kids, but do agree with them that continuing my education is important and once my baby is in school, finding a career that is fulfilling will be important to me. I listen carefully when my mother tells me something. I know she’s been married as long as she has for a reason. She’s not always right…but she’s rarely wrong!

6) What do you do to take care of yourself? Your marriage?

I take care of myself in a number of ways. I talk to friends and my parents on a regular basis and try to find support networks outside my husband, especially in the stepmom community. I watch bad reality television once a week without interruption from my children. I take naps or read when the baby is down. Most importantly, and what I have been doing for more than a decade- I journal. It’s a quiet activity for just me. I try to do it every couple of days to keep things in perspective. It’s also a nice way to be able to look back and recognize where we are from where we have been.

My husband and I try to spend time checking in with each other. We talk when he gets home from work and before bed. He calls me at lunch just to check in. Sometimes we read to each other just to enjoy calm. We share responsibilities. We try to find time for just us- even if its not out of the house. Sometimes just sharing a cup of coffee over the breakfast table while the kids are asleep is important. Never underestimate the value of a sitter either.

We appreciate the little things. He’ll pick up my favorite drink at the gas station or find me a magazine I enjoy. I’ll look for books for him at the library or send him funny videos and ecards at work. We leave each other notes…I sneak notes into his car to find on his way to work in the morning and he’ll hide mine in the bathroom or just leave one on the dresser. We use the phrase SHMILY…something we read about in a book. It stands for “See How Much I Love you.” My husband is my best friend. I trust in him and love him and know he feels the same way about me. At the end of the day, that’s what counts for us.

My husband is my best friend… At the end of the day, that’s what counts for us.

7) What has it been like blending your husband’s kids with the child you have together?

We don’t treat our child together any differently than my stepchildren. As far as we are concerned, she’s their sister. We included the kids in my pregnancy and as we made decisions about the baby. They were excited for her and love playing with her and watching her change.

I know someday she will wonder about the differences in relationships but she will know she is loved by us and her siblings. That’s what will make the difference in how she considers her relationships and their meaning. She has family that supports her and siblings she can always look to. I believe she has more love in her life than if she had been born into a family without stepchildren.

8) If a girlfriend told you she was in love with a divorced man with kids, what would you tell her?

Becoming a stepmom is not for everyone. It takes a lot of forethought and consideration. Ultimately if someone has doubts, I feel strongly they need to keep the kids out of it until they know themselves well enough to determine if it’s a role they can accept. Children of divorce have a lot of anxiety over people leaving them and being sure people love them. You don’t want to be someone who adds to that stress.
If you know it’s real and trust in your relationship with their father and that you can love your stepchildren like your own regardless of how they perceive you or how others perceive you, then go for it.

Have faith. Keep strong. Do the right things for the right reasons and keep the fact that children are a part of your love story in mind. Build and grow as a family. Know the difference between you, as the adult, and your children. Recognize there will be struggles, but the end result will be worth it. Love endlessly.

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