Introducing Ms. October!

Samara Tilkens Postuma lives in Suburban Minnesota and writes at Simplicity in the Suburbs. As a sister blogger and stepmother of two, I was thrilled to ask her about her unique experiences being a stepmom. If you have not stumbled upon her site yet, I encourage you to check her out.

Q1) How did you become a stepmom? Talk a bit about your step-kids (age, sex, relationship to you).

I met Jeff when I was 20 years old. He was a divorced single dad of two. He was 29 at the time. I was a college student/nanny and thought this was so not going to work out. We got married about 18 months after we started dating. My step kids are 6 (Madison) and 8 (Tyler) and I met them when they were 20 months and almost four, respectively. Just thinking about that is crazy since my son Henry is almost 18 months. It’s weird to think I have known Madison since she was just a little older than him. WOW!

Q2) How did you feel about becoming an instant mom? Did you grow up in a step-family and if not, what was your perception of the “blended” family?

I did not grow up in a blended family and my perception of divorce and stepfamilies was not a good one. I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian family and we did not talk about divorce. I knew maybe three kids from school who were in stepfamilies, but I don’t ever remember hearing about stepmoms, only the stepdads.

Becoming an “instant mom” should have probably been scarier than it was for me. When Jeff and I were dating and later engaged, I was working as a nanny and had been for awhile, so I kind of figured I had the whole parenting thing down. Was I ever wrong or what?!? But I knew that as long as I wanted to be with Jeff, Tyler and Madison were a part of the picture and I would never ever change that. I love having them in my life and being able to share life with them.

Q3) You have had your own child. How is that relationship different (if it is) to that with your step-kids?

Having children together was always part of our plan, and still is. Adding Henry to the mix was a different kind of challenge, but one we certainly wouldn’t trade. Tyler and Maddy love him and he loves them so much.

Q4) What is/has been the biggest challenge for you as a stepmom? Best things?

The biggest challenge is that this is a role that you get no training, experience and feedback for. Yes, there are hundreds and thousands of books, articles and essays written on it, but there is really nothing that will teach you what life will be like. When Jeff and I got engaged I searched high and low for resources because the last thing I wanted to do was be the “evil stepmother” that movies and TV so often depict. I seriously came up mostly empty because many of the things I’ve seen and read are outdated or just don’t even begin to fit our family. That’s why I often say, someday I’ll write my book.

Another huge challenge is the stereotypes and judgments associated with being a stepmom, especially a young stepmom. I received a lot (more than I’d even like to remember) of criticism when I started dating Jeff. His age didn’t bother people, but the fact that he was divorced with kids certainly did. People make all sorts of assumptions about our family and the roles we all play, but we’re all realizing it doesn’t really matter. The hurdle to get over is really just not caring what anyone else thinks or says.

The best part about being a stepmom is having two children love on me for no other reason than that I am their stepmom. They bring so much joy! The good moments and memories far outweigh anything else. Even just hearing them both get excited about me getting to be “Stepmom of the Month.”

Q5) Explain the living arrangement- back and forth with bio mom- does this work out well?

Our typical arrangement is that the kids are with Jeff and I from Saturday until Wednesday and with their mom from Wednesday to Saturday. However, I use the word “typical” loosely because it seems we are always making changes and working different things out. That is a bonus to getting along and being able to work together. It’s a 50/50 split and even though some weeks might be different, we try to make sure it all comes out in the end. We live in the same school district less than 3 miles apart so this schedule works out nicely for us right now because we get to share the week and the weekend for the most part.

Q6) What is your relationship like with the Ex?

How much time do you have?!? The kids’ mom and I have a great relationship. We talk just about daily (or sometimes multiple times daily) about the kids, life, work…we are able to laugh with each other about the silliness of our lives. We haven’t always been that way. There was more than one awkward day and moment with each other. But I think that we both know that we are pretty much going to be in each others lives for awhile, so we might as well enjoy it. We share a mutual respect and I have always been straightforward in saying that I am NOT the kids mom, she is.

I give her a lot of credit because I’ve said many times over that I don’t know that I would be able to be as kind and full of grace as she has been with me.

Q7) How do you make time for your relationship with your husband?

This was much easier before we had Henry because when we didn’t have Tyler and Madison home we could have date nights or make plans those days. Now that we have Henry we have to be more deliberate about getting out together and get a sitter and actually plan what we are going to do. It’s important that we have time to be with each other every day without the craziness of life, and sometimes we do fall victim to that. We try to prioritize and plan nights out with just the two of us as much as we can.

Q8) Best piece of advice for new stepmoms?

This is a hard one for me. I feel like every family and every situation is so different, so it’s hard to say what would work or not work. Some key things I think that have helped our family are: communicating, being respectful of every parent involved, saying you’re sorry when you screw up, and realizing that the kids are what’s important.

Did any of Samara’s comments hit home? Start a new thread in the Whole Milk forum or leave a comment on this post.

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