The Importance of Taking Time for Yourself this Holiday Season

GUEST BLOGGER: Susan Davis Swanson, Executive Director of The Stepfamily Center

When Izzy was a guest on my radio show last week, she made a poignant comment about the upcoming holiday visit with her in-laws and stepchildren: “I hope I remember to make time for myself.”

She, like any stepparent, needs to keep in mind the importance of taking a break, especially during the busy and often stressful holiday season. A break can be alone or with our partners, but it’s important to remember (and for your sanity) to not spend every waking moment with family.

In therapy, when it’s holiday time, most people from intact families talk about the pressures of family during this time of year. We set our standards by all those Hallmark holiday images — everyone thinks everyone else is having a wonderful family time. But families are always marked with some tension and stresses. And when you find yourself having a particularly difficult holiday gathering, I recommend watching your family as if you’re watching them on a reality TV show and listen from that perspective. By doing that, you’ll learn a lot and hopefully you’ll also find out how laughable much of it can be.

In stepfamily life, we put on our best and brightest smiles during the holidays, pretending that we’re enjoying all the stories and all the attention paid on our stepchildren. Grandparents want to hear all about their grandkids, so we put on our nice, “I’m a good and caring stepparent face” (“No, really, I am”) until our faces become frozen and the headache and tension in our face start to set it in that way that our smile that doesn’t feel connected to us at all.

Don’t forget to BREATHE!

That’s when you know it’s time for a much-needed break. Go for a run. Take a walk. Tell your husband (or wife if you’re the StepDad): “Look honey, believe me, to come to this holiday with ALL of your family is delightful, but as I’m hearing from experts in stepfamily mental health, I will at times be taking important, needed, necessary breaks. Don’t think I don’t love you because, believe me, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. But prepare that I will be doing this periodically. At times, if you would like, you can join me, as long as you don’t spend the whole time asking me what’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong. I just need to BREATHE. Oh, and what would really help is if sometimes you would hold me, look into my eyes and tell me I am the most wonderful person in the world – add a hug and kiss – that could help seal the deal!”

Oh, and don’t forget to BREATHE! If you can’t get out (you know, it’s the long dinner that doesn’t seems to end or the fourth time you’ve had to be there while the stepkids talk about their mom), go the bathroom, a bedroom, a balcony. Take five SLOW, DEEP, RELAXING BREATHS and say to yourself, “I breathe in relaxation, harmony and peace. I breathe out all tension, tightness and stress from my body.”

Breathe in slowly through your nose, down through your lungs and into your belly. Hold for two seconds and release the air slowly through your mouth. While breathing, remind yourself to let go of all thoughts and all conversation in your head, focusing on your breathing. When you are done, just stay for a moment or two in that quiet place. I guarantee you, you will feel more yourself and ready to walk back in. I can’t tell you what a lifesaver this will be during the holidays.

So breathe your way through your stepfamily holiday season. Wishing all of us a peaceful and gentle month ahead.

Listen each week to “Susan Swanson on Step” on New Day Talk Radio.   www.stepfamilycenter.com

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