Introducing Ms. November!
Traci Arbios is a mom, stepmom, and working mom. She lives with and writes about her blended family of seven kids, five pets and one amazingly patient husband at www.herdingsquirrels.com. She’s also an editor and blogger on CentralValleyMoms.com, a newspaper-operated community site for moms in Central California. Her posts are syndicated through McClatchy-Tribune Information Services, appearing online and in print in about 30 some-odd cities across the U.S. Also she likes cheese. And we went to high school together.
1) Traci, you are a mom, stepmom and guardian to seven kids. Can you explain how your blended family came to be?
Oh my gawd, you know, seeing it there all written like that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. What the hell? Seven kids. Honestly, that is crazy.
And here’s the thing. It started out that I only had 3 kids, biologically speaking—which, as any mom can tell you, is one more than you have hands. That’s a fact. And then I fell for this guy who had 3 kids —don’t even get me started on hand counting—and we giggled at the whole, “We’re like the Brady Bunch!” idea. And then that joke was made about two-hundred-thousand-times by all of our friends during our first month of dating (we did have 3 boys and 3 girls, after all). And then somewhere in that span of time with all the jokes and reruns I began fantasizing about what our blended yumminess would look like. Christmas photos on the staircase. Matching acrylic sweaters. It was awesome.
Our oldest (my stepdaughter) is a rescuer. First she came home with a four-week-old kitten she’d rescued. Cute. Six weeks later, she’d “rescued” a puppy. Huh. Three months later, she came home with our soon-to-be-guardian daughter in tow. She’s the rescuer’s best friend, and was in a really unstable sleeping-on-the-mom’s-couch-while-mom-parties-all-night situation. She was practically living with us anyway, so making it official really only consisted of giving her drawer space and a toothbrush.
Since then we’ve put the kibosh on rescuing that requires cohabitation, from any family member. Period. And that’s how we came to be.
SIDE NOTE: When you’re in the middle of a whirlwind, all you see is whirlwind. It becomes normal. And this whole mish-mash of kids and pets and parents—we all really like each other. And have grown to love each other, even. We’re huge, yes, but we work and play well together.
2) Who lives in your house full time and how do you manage it (i.e remain sane)?
Our schedule has settled dramatically. Other than my two sons, who live with us during the school year and spend summers with their dad, the rest of the brood is basically with us full time. But juggling social schedules is much crazier right now; we’re more like a taxi service than individual parents.
In terms of maintaining sanity? I’m going through Lexapro like oyster crackers. Also, the “no guns are allowed in the house” (Airsoft not withstanding) dictum keeps things at an even keel, so we’re safe. Pretty much. Except for those steak knives.
3) Do you ever feel like you have different relationships with your bio-kids versus your steps? How do you spread the love?
Yes. Flat out, I do have different relationships with my bio-kids, because… well, I’ve been with them longer. I understand them more. In essence, I know how to motivate them and how to manipulate them (both of which are amazingly important tools in parenting). But I will say being a bio-mom completely gave me a leg-up on being a stepparent.
I really feel bad for the single gal who finds herself thrown into instant motherhood. (I’m looking at you here, Izzy). Any person who raises a kid must inevitably transition from being the center of her own Universe, to having her family be the center. One good thing about growing your own kids first is that one’s naturally selfish reaction as a new mother is lost on a newborn. Newborns, on the whole, don’t understand—or care—that you want time to yourself or need a nap or want to take a crap in peace or need space to feel human for awhile. And because that little nubbin is yours to keep, you have less guilt when you feel frustrated and want to throttle them.
But jumping in head first without ever having parented before? Uy. Stepkids… they arrive with someone else’s screw ups (and, okay, successes) intact. Those little monkeys have their own notions of parenthood and those notions and their related expectations—all of which are based on the hopes and the experiences of the child—are probably wildly different from yours—all of which were scrabbled together off the cuff and based on some Lifetime TV movie of the week. Worse, because stepkids are likely old enough to notice, you can’t hide your parental idiocies and mistakes behind the wall of “you’re my kid and you’ll love me no matter what.”
NEWSFLASH: I’m not actually their mom. They’re not hardwired to love me unconditionally. That’s a pretty big difference.
4) Discipline is a hot topic in the stepparenting world. How do you do it in your house?
Often. Also, fairly. I think having more kids, and everyone pretty-much with us full time, makes it easier for my household. There are rules, we all follow the rules, and there are clear consequences. You break a rule, likely it won’t get noticed by the overworked and harried parents but your siblings will rat you out in a nanosecond. The siblings also take note of who is punished and how, and make sure that we parents mete out justice equally amongst the transgressors. Thus, we both have to be even in the tough guy department. (A “No parent gets left behind holding the bag” policy, if you will.)
5) How did you meet your husband and what was your initial reaction when you learned that he came with kids from a previous marriage?
I met my husband on Cloud Nine in the Land of Perfect Men. Or you know, at work. I was divorcing, he was divorcing; we both hadn’t gotten any in a long time…
…sigh. We were both in the process of divorce when we began dating (which is the absolute wrong time to date, apparently). We’d worked together, so we knew about each other’s kids and in fact comingled at various work-related functions. It wasn’t a big deal, really, until the acrylic sweater fantasy began.
6) When do you and your husband get time alone?
About ten o’clock at night, when we crawl into bed.
7) What do you like to do together minus the kids (and yes I realize I just opened the door for you to say something depraved and dirty).
We like to have sex.
8) What’s harder- keeping the kids or the ex-wife happy?
The kids. The ex-wife and I don’t speak much—we never really have. And that’s not a me-thing, that’s a her-thing. She’s got her own stuff going on, and is pretty consumed in her own life right now. And she’s currently not involved with her kids, but I’m sure that once things settle down, we’ll continue our history of giving each other wide berth.
Okay, going back to that other question, what my husband and I do alone? We escape. Once a week we try to go on a date. It’s really critical. Sometimes our dates are full-on, dinner dates. Other times they consist of grabbing a cup of coffee at Starbucks and walking around World Market. We realized that not only do we need make time to be alone together, we actually want to be alone together. We take our marriage as seriously as our parenting, which I think couples sometimes forget to do. But whether it’s a Winco shop or a Ruth’s Chris getaway, we make time for us.
9) I love the title of your blog, Herding Squirrels. Where did this name come from? Are you the lead squirrel?
Well, thank you. The title for my blog came from something my dad used to say whenever my sisters and I got all our kids together. Trying to get a group of toddlers organized inspired a mix of desire, insanity and futility, which he likened to herding squirrels.
…And then a decade later I blend families with this awesome man. Suddenly, we have seven crazy squirrels all our own, all leaping to their own dances while my husband and I try to corral them down a path of success. Or, at least, out of our basement and away from the video games by the time they’re 40.
10) When did you launch your site and what do you like to write about?
Herdingsquirrels.com launched in 2007 and I write about… stuff. Whatever strikes me: parenting under different circumstances; surviving step parenting; politics; preparing easy meals for a large group; things that humor me; and my humble opinion are topics most often hit upon.
11) Do your kids read your site?
My kids occasionally pop in to read something, but only if I say “HEY GO CHECK OUT THIS THING I WROTE ABOUT YOU THAT YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO TELL ANYONE.” Mostly they’re too busy being awesome elsewhere to care what I write.
12) The idea of cooking for seven seems beyond daunting and I understand you’re the grocery shopper for the household. How do you fill your herd up on a daily basis?
I hear what you’re saying here, about the daunting. Each afternoon I break from the trappings of my glamorous corporate life and ponder whether I will be making dinner for nine, or just crawling into the fetal position with a bottle of wine. Most nights it’s a toss up. I get jealous of you sweet cherubic monkeys, ye who have families of three. Or four.
The decision to prepare dinner inevitably wins out. Hunger makes kids yowly, after all, and too many whiners while I’m drinking pisses me off. You know how that goes.
That said… my nine can be a tricky group to feed. Two of us are vegetarians. Two of us are obese. One of us is very underweight. One of us is very picky, and refuses to eat hardly anything of nutritional value, while two others of us load up our plates with massive amounts of food and season them with pepper or ketchup and eat maybe half of what we take. Only one of us eats everything, without complaint. That one is my favorite. (HINT: He’s also sexy and has a highly kissable nose.)
I actually enjoy being the cook for this family, in part because it guarantees casual wine consumption. But every afternoon, starting at 3:00, I stare at my computer screen, my mind’s eye focused on my larder and fridge. And I panic. So basically I feed my children panic. Well, panic and frozen peas, because vegetables are an important part of the diet.
13) I notice you’ve been nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger. What makes you the hottest of all?
My ass. Roundy at the top, flatty on the sitty part, poochy on the sides. That pretty much says it all. So go vote for me and my hot ass here
13a) I must admit, since I’ve known you since high school, I am in awe when I look at pictures of you. You have hardly aged. What’s your secret? And is it legal?
Two words: Placental lining. Makes for a great facial. Legal? Not so much.
But that was an incredibly kind compliment to receive, and especially to hear it from you, lady of skin perfection and sultry glamour. In case the rest of you ladies are curious, Izzy looks—no joke—even better than she did in high school and college. Something in the set of her jawline, her knowing smile— or maybe it’s because she’s got that sexy smart-woman thing going on. Moreover, how is it possible, Izzy, that you look THAT GOOD while living off that Texas cheese-dip-food-stuff? I am in awe, sistah.
If you or someone you know wants to be the next Stepmom in the Spotlight, shoot me an email at izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com and flatter me like Traci has (see final quote) and I’ll consider it.
Cheers,
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