Ms. Izzy,
Are we going to see some articles for the guys? Will there be a body of work that talks to them as directly as we have been able to talk to one another? Will they be supported to do the “right thing” in their second family, and even to find out what that will be?
I dream that men will get some practical, detailed support for ways to handle their situations. It’s almost like they need a re-marriage manual. 1) Make sure you have tightened boundaries with your ex. This looks like X, Y, Z. 2) Make sure everyone has a place to sleep, eat, and hide. 3) Post the new house rules. Do not leave this up to osmosis. And so on.
I have also really begun pondering the term, “permissive” dad. Is that really true? In our case, and I’m sure we’re not alone, it’s more accurate to say “fearful” dad. He’s been conditioned slowly, gradually, over the years to think that if he doesn’t go along with ex/kids that he loses their love. Nothing I say has convinced him that he IS the father and that it won’t matter, they will always love him. We don’t have issues with Severe PAS, more like constant low-level bashing, but it’s enough to make the situation completely distasteful for him and it’s a sign of his commitment to peace that he really doesn’t want to stir the pot. So, is that permissive or is that managing?
Maybe we should say, the manipulated parent. Lots and lots to think about.
Dear Kim,
You bring up a very important point and one that hits me right between the eyes. In my memoir The Package Deal, I write about the fearful father:
I felt like Hank automatically defended his former wife when he should be sticking up for his current one. Hank felt like I pushed him into battle with her.
“I have to be careful,” he said.
“Hank, you’re not going to lose your kids just because you say something she doesn’t want to hear.”
My husband can’t imagine anything worse than losing his boys, literally or figuratively, and the surest way to keep this from happening (he’s convinced himself) is to keep his ex-wife happy. Happy is subjective, but in our case, happiness is synonymous with placating her. Don’t provoke, offend or contradict. Let her think she’s in control. Who’s manipulating who?
I re-posted Kela Price’s Happy Marriage or Happy Divorce because I agree that our men are often stuck in the uncomfortable middle with no remarriage manual on how to break free, how to fearlessly love his kids and maintain a level of civility.
Stepmother’s Milk readers: any of you have any advice or expertise on this subject?
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