Thanks, FSFH.  I appreciate the compliment. I'm not sure I could do what you're doing, by the way (full-time stepmom).   That's tough.  But hang in there! 

 I had zero appreciation for my stepdad, growing up, and he did most of the parenting.  It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized the sacrifices he made and what a gift it was to have him in my life. So, stepparents can and do make a huge difference in the lives of their stepkids.  Keep this in mind when you want to pull your hair out!

Right on Umami_mama!! I love reading ur comments by the way, resonates with my soul or something cheezy, I totally get you. 

A sympathy hug for Bella and everyone who grows up w/an absent dad, to tell u the truth, its not soo bad.  At least w/my expeince with fathers, even if dad is there in the picture, he's still not emotionally there. I grew up w/my dad in the house but i didn't have a relationship with him, he is a hard worker and always provided, he loved us in that way, but besides that, I felt like I came from a single mother family where mom is the only one raising the kids.  Growing up we didn't exchange more than 10 words to eachother (Some people are just not kid people).  Now that i'm grown up we have more of a relationship than ever.  We talk on the phone maybe twice a week, a short, "Hi how are you, love you very much, now here's ur mom", or he offer's his wisdom.  If i need to be put in my place he won't hesitate.  Do what ever Umami_mama tells u to do, she's a smart lady.

Bella,

Your stepmother sounds obnoxious and controlling.  Sorry that your dad chose this woman to be his wife and sorrier still that he is too passive/indifferent to act to stop her from interfering with and disrupting his relationship with you and his grandchild.

You must deal with your father's wife as you would any difficult person:  Avoid her.  I know this hard because she is married to your father, but it can be done.  Does he have a cell phone/work email address?  Contact him there, not on the house phone.  This way she won't be the one to return the message. Does he have a place of business where you and your child can visit him?  Go there instead or arrange to meet him for lunch during his work-day, etc. 

Without criticizing or even mentioning his wife, which will likely only make him defensive, tell him how much he means to you and how much you would like to have a relationship with him.  Then the ball is in his court.  He knows where you stand and what you want and it is up to him to step up and cultivate and maintain a relationship with you and his granddaughter.  I'm afraid that he is the only person who can put a stop to the wedge you say your stepmom is driving between the two of you.  

If he doesn't step up after knowing what you want/need, then I would advise you to disengage and quit expending emotional energy on what is clearly a pretty toxic situation.  Focus on the only relationship which really matters, the relationship between you and your child.  Make sure that s/he grows up knowing that s/he has your total and complete love and support and that nothing/nobody will ever be allowed to come between the two of you.  Be the best parent you can be to ensure that your child never has to experience what you've experienced.  Good luck.

Ok here goes…I have a stepmother who has been married to my dad for 18 years, my mother left my father when I was just 5 yrs old. Because of this woman our dad was not in our lives. When I was 14 I went to see him for a visit for a month and she threw a fit because I wanted him and I to go fishing alone because I did not have any time with him growing up.I ended up leaving early. The next time I seen him was 13 years later…when I had my only child. I wanted him to know his blood. Well, she acts worse today than what I remember. She has to be present for every conversation, she follows me to where he is so she can hear what I say to my father. She makes sure she takes care of the money in the buisness and household so he doesnt give his grandchild who is 5 any. and me….ya thats a laugh. I ended up losing it on her because she made up lies about me saying stuff about her house negative stuff. And she tried to drive a wedge between my dad and me. It did not work but things were uncomfortable for a few weeks. The few times that I call my father now to speak to him and they arent in she returns the call and says ya what do you want? She has control of everything and I feel sorry for him. And it is getting on my nerves. She came into my house tonight and said she was going to cancel her appointment for a yearly test because she didnt want to miss anything. What in the hell is her problem? She is 50 yrs old but alot of people told me she has always been this way. She is loud and makes up and gossips about people and I cant stand her. I feel she needs to grow up. I tried to make it work but I just cant.