stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. July!

Peggy Nolan is author and creator of the popular blogs, The Stepmom’s Tool Box and Serendipity Smiles. She is also the founder of The Mother’s Day Dare Project and a regular contributor to StepMom Magazine. As a self-care advocate, certified yoga instructor and breast cancer survivor, Peggy is passionate about helping others help themselves.

From top to bottom: Richard, Peggy, Jessica (her oldest, getting married Oct 17), Richie (his oldest), Kelly (his oldest daughter), Christina (her youngest), Katie (his youngest daughter aka the New Mommy, getting married Aug 28), Chris (aka Junior, now 17)

1. What inspired you to start your blog The Stepmom Tool Box and how would you describe it? And why did you start it when you did?

Cathryn Bond-Doyle’s been a big inspiration in my stepmom journey. Just as I was about to pull my hair out in 2007 with my youngest stepson, Junior, I found Cathryn’s Step Moms on a Mission (http://smoms.org) community. What a life saver! I became friends with many stepmoms and found myself becoming the resident advice-giver when Cathryn had to take a leave of absence. I began blogging about my experiences on Serendipity Smiles, but realized that my stepmom stuff needed its own blog. I also found myself giving the same recommendations, suggestions and resources on SMOMS, so after a little brainstorming with my husband Richard, I came up with “The Stepmom’s Tool Box: Tips, Tools and Advice” This blog was born on April 1, 2009 and after only 3 months, the traffic has far surpassed my other blog and my expectations!

2. Tell us a little bit about the Mother’s Day Dare project.

The Mother’s Day Dare appeared in my head after attending the kick-off networking event for women called Dare To Be Phenomenal. I woke up with this idea that if I could get moms to send their kids’ stepmoms a Mother’s Day card and stepmoms to send their stepkids’ bio mothers cards, then maybe this could start healing the mom/stepmom conflict. Although this idea came to me three weeks before Mother’s Day, the results were amazing. For the moms and stepmoms who participated in 2009, olive branches have been extended and in some cases, once adversarial relationships are turning into working co-parenting relationships! Be on the lookout to see what I have in store for 2010.

Self-care, self-care, self-care! The more you work on becoming a better you, the more your life simply falls into place.

3. You seem to prefer the term “bonus mom.” Why is that? What do you call your stepkids and what do they call you?

Step has so many yucky connotations! I thought, who am I in relation to my husband’s kids? I’m a bonus. They have a mom and a dad and a great extended family and I’m the bonus…the cherry on top. My youngest stepson decided he liked “Bonus Mom” and the first high school open house I went to, he introduced me as his bonus mom. My husband’s kids are a bonus in my life as well and I often refer to them as my bonus children.

4. You have biological kids and stepkids. Talk about blending a family. What was the biggest challenge for you and the kids in the beginning?

I have two daughters from my first marriage who are now 24 and 21. Richard has two boys and two girls from his first marriage who are now 24, 23, 21, and 17. When we first got them together, Richard and I hoped for polite civility. What we got far exceeded our expectations. The girls (mine and his) refer to each other as sisters and my youngest daughter is trekking home from Vail, Co to be in Richard’s youngest daughter’s wedding in August. All of the kids (the boys included!) will be together when my oldest comes home from Portugal to get married in October. I think the biggest challenge we face with our kids is having enough chairs when they all come over for Thanksgiving Day Brunch, because now it includes husbands, fiancés, and our first grand baby!

5. How would you describe your stepparenting style?

There’s only one left at home that requires hands-on parenting. Junior is 17 and both Richard and I approach parenting him as a benevolent dictatorship. As far as parenting goes, Richard and I are on the same page when it comes to discipline and privileges. I’m tough but fair. As a parent, my main job is to teach. I just hope Junior’s learning!

6. Almost all of your kids are all grown now. How has your relationship with them evolved over time?

With the older kids, I’m like a trusted adviser. I’m usually the first person they call when things fall apart because I’m the one who helps them find the “opportunity” when things don’t go according to plan. When it comes to Junior, I still have to wear the “mom” hat. Junior benefits because I have a little more patience and a lot more wisdom [than I did in the beginning.]

7. Describe the relationship you have with your husband’s ex-wife who he was married to for 17 years.

A little back story: Back in 1980, Richard and I met when I had to re-take Geometry to graduate from high school. I couldn’t help but notice the cutest boy in class! I was wowed by his blue eyes and drop dead gorgeous smile and within a few weeks, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He was the first boy I fell in love with, but he broke up with me 6 months later and his second girlfriend would eventually become his first wife. (I’m the first girlfriend who became his LAST wife!)

Now, Richard’s ex-wife and I have a great working relationship that borders on friendship. When she found out he was dating me, she remarked, “I remember Peggy…I liked her in high school!” When it came time for me to meet Richard’s family, he brought me to meet his ex-wife’s family (they kept him after the divorce). Picture this: Mother’s Day 2006, I’m sitting in Richard’s ex-wife’s mother’s living room meeting everyone in her family, including her second husband who, as it turns out, I already knew and was friends with because he was the first person I met where I currently work! (Does this make sense or does it make your head hurt? It made my head hurt at first!)

I credit the relationship that Richard’s ex-wife and I have to her mom and stepmom. They are best friends and have given us a framework and an exceptional example in which to build our relationship. Additionally, her family kept Richard and welcomed me in as a daughter and a sister. Given this framework, it’s kind of tough to have anything but a good relationship!

8. Talk about your Thai kickboxing and your strong belief in self care. Is this your way of relieving stepfamily stress?

I have been enamored with martial arts ever since I saw the cheesy Jean-Claude van Damme movie “Blood Sport,” the story of Kumite champion Frank Dux. I still can’t help but watch this movie every time it’s on [TV].

Not only does kickboxing relieve stress (of any kind), but it compliments my yoga practice and it is something I love to do so I don’t feel that “ugh, I gotta hit the gym” dread. I blogged about a recent Thai Kickboxing class on Serendipity Smiles.

My belief in self-care stems from my year of breast cancer treatment. It was my own realization that no one was going to care for me better than me. Most women and stepmoms that I come in contact with are so busy doing for others that they don’t put themselves on their priority list. We make time for what we value, so if you are not taking care of yourself, you are not valuing yourself or honoring your self. And then you wonder why you’re exhausted, stressed, or diagnosed with a crappy disease. My message to women everywhere is to take care of you! If you are not running at optimal efficiency you don’t benefit anyone, so take the time to refill your pitcher, recharge your batteries, revive your emotional well-being and re-ignite your creativity!

9. I love your positive, Zen-like approach to life. What inspires you to stay positive?

On January 5, 2004, I had my coming to Jesus meeting - I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a disease that affects 1 out of 7 women in our lifetime and 200,000 women a year. When I was diagnosed, I had just celebrated my 40th birthday. The ink on my divorce that ended my 19 year marriage was barely dry. I had two teenage girls who still needed me. The night before I had my mastectomy, I had to have my living will notarized - it was in the town clerk’s office that I realized “it’s time to start living…really living.” As the clerk notarized my life away, I felt a peace I’ve never felt before.

I had a disease that women die from every day. And I had a choice. I could let the disease rule my life, be miserable, feel sorry for myself OR I could pull myself up by my combat boot straps, fight like a dog, and come out stronger and happier. It’s this experience that reminds me that life could be worse than every bad day I’ve ever had. It’s this experience that reminds me to live each day to my fullest - to be the best me that I’m supposed to be. And it’s this experience that reminds me to teach other women what I have learned.

10. What’s your best piece of advice for new stepmothers?

Self-care, self-care, self-care! The more you work on becoming a better you, the more your life simply falls into place. And if you don’t believe me, I dare you to experiment and work on you and only you for the next 90 days. See what happens…and don’t give up five minutes before the miracle!

You can continue the conversation with Peggy at toolboxgrl@ gmail.com

Introducing Ms. June!

April from Mississippi is this month’s Stepmom in the Spotlight. I met April over at Stepchicks, the popular social networking community for stepmoms. She also blogs regularly at Confessions of a Mad Professor.

April’s a true Southern woman: warm, graceful and wise– with a healthy dose of sass. I liked her right away.

1. How did you meet your husband and what was your reaction when you found out he had a daughter from a previous marriage?
My husband was my student in a college course I was teaching. He had a serious girlfriend and I was engaged at the time. We did not start dating until about 10 months later when we ran into each other again, and were both single!

He told me about his daughter right away. He had a recent picture of the two of them together, and he showed me her picture. At the time I did not believe that my husband and I were going to be long term, so I did not think it was a big deal that he had a daughter. I did think that it was adorable that he loved his little girl so much, and I could tell he was a wonderful daddy.

2. You’ve been in your stepdaughter’s life for six years. How has your relationship changed with her over that time?

My stepdaughter and I are very close. I work from home which allows me to spend tons of quality time with her. I also am very motivated to expand her mind, and show her all the fascinating things that my parents showed me as I grew up. We like to travel so I have tried to foster the traveling bug in her!

My stepdaughter is very easy to love. I met her when she was five and she will be twelve this year. She’s is very affectionate and cuddly. It is impossible not to love a little girl that curls up on the couch with you and cuddles! She loves to read and we have a lot in common in our tastes in films and books. Over the past six years, I have grown to love my stepdaughter. She is a very special little girl, and she is going to become an outstanding young woman.

3. You live in Mississippi and your stepdaughter lives in Arizona. How have you separately, and together with your husband, parented from afar?

This one is tough. Her dad feels that since he sees her so infrequently he doesn’t want to spend all his time disciplining her, so we have struggled over this issue. Although, he does want to be involved. When she was in the fourth grade and misbehaving, her mom called to discuss it with my husband. He got on the phone and let her know that if he heard about it again, he was going to get on the next plane to Phoenix and bring the discipline with him!

My husband and I have been trying to work together as a team to make sure we parent consistently. We have worked out a system with each other that allows me to signal him when he needs to intervene. This has taken time though. I would say we hadn’t gotten really good at this until about a year ago.

4. How do you stay connected with her during the school year?

My stepdaughter has a cell phone, so she and I text message every few days. We also call her frequently. We try to see her as much as possible, and usually get her at Thanksgiving, New Year’s, spring break, as well as summer. Additionally, I like to send her packages for holidays. These don’t have to be major holidays. I have sent her Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day packages before. I always try to make fill the packages with fun, inexpensive presents, and I try to include at least one thing for her other two siblings.

5. And how do you think things will change once you move closer?

I am going to be able to see her more! I cannot WAIT to take her out to dinner on a random school night, or spend a Saturday just hanging around with her. When she is with us in the summer, I have a hard time not thinking, “She leaves in four more weeks.” Living closer, I won’t have to have that sad countdown going all the time! If we don’t get something done on Saturday there will be no rush because there’s always Tuesday!

6. What’s your relationship like with your husband’s ex-wife?

I get along with my stepdaughter’s bio-mom VERY well. I would even call us friends. She and my husband married very young. They were divorced long before I came on the scene. We have always gotten along, but it is nice that we like each other. We even went out and socialized together when I was in Phoenix for spring break.

On the other hand, my stepdaughter wishes we didn’t get along quite so well. She has always been a bright child and made the remark that, “She could not get away with anything because we compare notes.” I like my life relatively drama-free, and getting along makes things so nice. A southern woman, I am always polite, but I knew at the very beginning that if I was going to be in my husband’s life then she was going to be in my life, too. It would suit everyone better if we could get along. It turns out she and I have a lot in common, and getting along was a piece of cake!

7. Do you want to have children of your own? Why? Is everyone on board with this?

I don’t know if I want to have children of my own. I kind of do. My husband definitely wants one more. I waffle back and forth. I like my lifestyle. I know that kids will upset that lifestyle. My stepdaughter is old enough now I can take her places when I want to go. I dragged her all over New York City over New Year’s this year, and she did not complain…not even once and it was 18 degrees. I have a tendency to go out of town frequently, and I know that having a child will diminish my ability to travel. I realize that sounds selfish, but I have lived that way for thirty-two years. It is hard to imagine how my life would change if I had a child.

My stepdaughter is totally against us having a child. She even pouts when we talk about getting another dog! She has a brother and a sister at her mom’s house, and I know she enjoys being a part-time, only child. I probably have not helped in this respect because I spoil her rotten.

8. Talk about your blog, Confessions of a Mad Professor. Where did the name come from… How long have you had the blog…Who do you write it for?

I am an online college professor. My husband calls me the absent-minded professor because I am! I’m also pretty eccentric. Since I’ve always had an affinity for Lewis Carroll’s Mad Hatter, I couldn’t resist naming the blog “Confessions of a Mad Professor.” The blog covers a myriad of topics including my online work, my PhD. program, my marriage, and family. I have had the blog for two years.

9. How do you meet other stepmoms?

I do not have one single stepmom friend in real life. That’s a situation that is going to be rectified when I get to Phoenix… immediately after I unpack my tooth brush. I do meet other stepmoms online at Stepchicks and the Second Wives Café.

10. What’s one piece of advice you have for other stepmoms or for single ladies dating divorced men?

I have two: The first is you need to look deep in yourself. If your future skiddos are going to be very young when you get married then you need to decide if you can love those kids like you would love your own children. If the answer is no then you really need to decide if you should be involved in the relationship.

Two: When dealing with the biological mom, you have to realize that at one time your husband loved her. I personally think that my husband has impeccable taste in women, and his ex is an outstanding person. She’s just not right for him. It helped me at the beginning to keep that in mind.

Visit April at Confessions of a Mad Professor.

Introducing Ms. May!
I know, I know… it’s all about ME this month. But since I began this monthly feature, many of you have urged me to spotlight myself. Jacqueline Fletcher over at Becoming a Stepmom recently did this great interview with me about my new memoir, The Package Deal, and on stepparenting in general, so I thought I’d post it here for May’s Stepmom in the Spotlight…

1. When you first started your blog Stepmother’s Milk, you were searching for support for other stepmoms. Were you surprised at how little there was available?

I was surprised once I learned some of the statistics– that there is something like 15 million stepmoms in the country today! I thought, if there are so many of us, why isn’t this a mainstream discussion? Why aren’t we on Oprah? Since then, I’ve watched in amazement as our online community has grown. We’re everywhere now! It seems like every day, I discover a new stepmom blog or stepparenting site. It’s very encouraging to see so many women reaching out to each other, connecting and offering advice.

2. Your book describes your first year as a stepmom. How have things changed since then?

I’m more relaxed. I no longer refer to myself as the Ruler of Cleanliness and Order. I just couldn’t keep that role up. I was outnumbered– a husband, two boys and two male kitties! In addition to adjusting to filth and fur, I’d moved across country, given up my career and left friends and family behind. Needless to say, I was a little on edge. Two years later, the newness and panic has worn off. This is a good thing– for everyone’s sake.

3. What three things do you think a new stepmom has to have to survive the first year of stepmotherhood?

1. A surplus of wine
2. A sense of humor
3. Lots of therapy (with you and your man, alone, and maybe with the kids, although you might want to wait on the whole family combo deal until they unpack).

4. Do you still have full-time custody of the kids?

No, my oldest stepson, The Tall One, is the only kid living with us full-time now, and you’ll have to read the book to find out why.

5. What has been your greatest challenge as a stepmom?

Balancing my own needs with those of the kids. I’m sure every mother struggles with this, but because I married into my parenting role and don’t have kids of my own, I’m never quite sure how much I’m expected to give and compromise. To be honest, it was really tempting early on to shirk some responsibilities because I was “just the stepmom.” But, the reality is that if kids are living full-time under your care, you’re responsible. My stepmom rule is to compromise, but not sacrifice myself. I’m a big believer that if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re no good to anyone else

6. There’s been a large debate going on about stepmoms who blog or write books about their families and how it will affect their stepchildren and relationships with their husbands and the ex. How do you decide what you’re going to write about? Do you share your writing with everyone in your family?

I’ve made jokes about moving to Mexico or going into hiding once the book came out to avoid a family mob attack, but truthfully, I think the need for that is slim. In writing The Package Deal, I worked hard to be fair to everyone involved and I made drafts of the manuscript available for family members to read throughout my writing process, and I encouraged them to speak up if something felt wrong or icky.
That said, I’m very honest and I suppose you do run the risk of offending people when you expose your insides. But when you start self-editing to please the crowd, you lose your voice.

7. Have you ever had someone in your family object to or been hurt by something you’ve written?

Not that I’m aware of and I hope that’s because I’ve made a conscious effort to be respectful. Before I started my blog Stepmother’s Milk, I asked my stepkids if they would be okay with me writing personal stories about our family. It was really important to me that they be on board. Every step of the way, I’ve reminded the boys to come to me if there’s something they don’t want me to write about or if they’ve read something they don’t understand. I’m constantly mindful of their privacy and how far I can push the boundaries.

8. What have been your greatest rewards as a stepmom?

As someone who thought she was missing the mom-gene, it’s been a sweet reward to realize I’m capable of taking on someone else’s kids and not failing horribly at it. The boys showed me a reserve of love I didn’t know was there. I said yes to a marriage proposal and I ended up with a family. A pretty good deal, if you ask me.

9. If a dear friend told you she was marrying a man with kids what would you say?

Welcome to the club! Becoming a stepmom is so “in” right now. One might say– stepmom is the new black.

10. Do you think you made the right decision when you said yes to your husband, moved to Texas, and signed up to be a custodial stepmom?

Absolutely! I’m in love with my husband, Austin is a fantastic town and in addition to their entertainment value, the kids have helped me grow up. That said, I didn’t always feel that way. There were many days early on when I wanted to scream, WHAT WAS I THINKING! HOW DID I END UP RAISING ANOTHER WOMAN’S KIDS? My therapist (and yes, every stepmom should have one) helped me realize that in order to survive, I had to adjust my expectations and be willing to reinvent myself. That’s powerful stuff. I remember thinking, OK, I can shift. I can do this.

11. What advice would you give to a stepmom who is struggling?

Seek out one good girlfriend who is willing to listen to you spill the good, the bad and the revolting. And then spill. I truly believe that laughing and groaning over our shared stories is one of the best antidotes for warding off insanity. It’s worked for me.

Introducing Ms. April!

Susan Davis Swanson is the Executive Director at the Stepfamily Center in Beverly Hills. She’s been a stepmom for more than thirty years! I asked this veteran smom and business woman to share some of her wisdom.

1. Tell us about your stepfamily.

I became a stepmother when I was twenty-five years old. My husband was given full custody of his kids when we were living together, which was very unusual then. So at twenty-five years old, I took on full time responsibility for a six and an eight-year-old. My husband and I were married for a year and then our daughter was born.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t fill the incredible vacuum left by my stepdaughter’s mother and frankly, by her father. My marriage ended twenty-five years later and it saddened me that… my stepdaughter chose to only hold onto to her anger and resentments, all directed at the “evil stepmom”. But I have a nice relationship with my stepson and my daughter and I are very close.

2. You said that when you first became a stepmom, you had a hard time finding resources or support to get you through. Do you think that’s changing for today’s stepmom? How?

Well, today there is the internet which opens resources tremendously. It is still difficult for couples to find couples therapists who specialize in stepfamily dynamics, which is something I am hoping to change for people in Los Angeles. Also there are so many more books on the topic today. Stepparents need the support of people who can really understand [their situation] because there is so much isolation and shame that we put on ourselves. We often cannot live up to the expectations our partner’s place on us, their children place on us, and we place on ourselves.

3. What have you learned after thirty years of stepparenting?

I have really learned how difficult it is because there are so many movable parts in a stepfamily. You might be doing something in your home, but it can easily be sabotaged by the other parent (or grandparents.) Children naturally split, so they can gain sympathy for their plight at any time, which undermines what is going on in your household. With my experience, coming in with two different bio mothers and at two different times of child development, I feel there isn’t anything I don’t know about stepfamily life! I feel it has given me a very unique and broad range experience and because my experiences have been difficult, I really feel very attuned to the challenges stepmothers and couples face.

4. Tell us about your stepfamily center. What are your hopes and goals for the center.

Often I believe what we are meant to do is chosen for us. When I met my current husband I realized that I was supposed to develop a place for stepparents and stepcouples to go for help and support. The Center actually came in a vision. While that may sound strange, when it came, I “knew” that I was supposed to do this. I love my work as a therapist (I also work with depression, anxiety, and trauma, with couples and individuals, and yet it is a big undertaking, so it has become a family affair; my husband is the CEO and my daughter is my VP of communications, so now it is very exciting.

5. I like how your site addresses questions posed by stepdads, teens and kids. Can you talk about something that uniquely affects each one of these groups?

When it comes to teens, the sad thing about remarriage is that so many kids don’t like their stepparents, particularly the stepmoms. What is sad about this is it often begins with hope from everyone that it will work out, and because no one “expects” there to be problems, when the problems arise, tensions flair and everyone feels uncared for, unaccepted and then they don’t want to bother working it out. It is hard enough for parents to raise their own teens, but for a stepparent to deal with someone else’s teens is almost impossible.

Younger children also face loyalty binds that older kids will experience, but younger children are often more flexible to adapting and there can often be more success with a younger child or children.
Bio parents of course feel very protective of their own children (I’m a bio parent, I get it), but this often leaves their new partner “out” of being a “part of”. It is hard for the biological parents to navigate these mixed feelings because they so often will feel caught in the middle and cannot please everyone. So then conflicts begin because the bio parent wants the stepparent to “grow up” and make it easier on them. This is one of the hardest conflicts in a stepcouple.

As for stepparents, it is known in the literature and research that stepmoms have the hardest time in the stepfamily; in fact part-time stepmoms have an even harder time than full time stepmoms! I find that so interesting because I remember wishing we were the family that had every other weekend because I found full time very stressful. But there are so many unrealistic maternal expectations on women and so many stories of “evil,” “malevolent” stepmothers that it is archetypal and women have much to overcome. Not all women can hang in there and overcome this and it is not because they are a failure. Odds are often stacked against them. Stepdads, particularly if they are financially generous, are often more kindly received, though they struggle where to have a role in the discipline, which is often not well received by either the children or the mom.

Given all this, it is truly amazing that forty percent of these families will succeed! The human spirit is amazing!

6. How do you take care of yourself?

My new thing is energy yoga and I am trying to learn how to not work all the time, which is a challenge with a new business. But having a business reminds me of being a full time parent; I learned then that if I didn’t take care of myself, I’m no good to anyone. So now I am realizing that if I don’t replenish myself and take real breaks, I will not be productive. So long walks at the beach, reading, time with my husband and friends and time alone all help me replenish myself. And swimming, when I get the chance!

7. Favorite piece of advice?

Life is not lived in hindsight, it is lived forward. Take your best shot, do the best you know how to do and have no regrets. You are courageous for taking chances.

8. As someone who has counseled many couples on this subject, how do you advise couples maintain a connection throughout these often challenging years?

I cannot stress this enough – TIME TOGETHER! You cannot have a quality relationship if you are only working, handling chores, raising kids, and talking on the phone or on the computer. Couples need to talk and have some fun adult alone time; it takes nurturing to keep your relationship alive and strong. The payoff is wonderful, yet people are so reluctant to put in the time to get the relationship they say they want. Time, respect, and showing appreciation and love every day. It goes a long way to a happier marriage.

Introducing Ms. March!

Brenda Ockun from Rochester, New York is the President & Publisher of StepMom Magazine and stepmom to two kids.

1. Tell us about your stepfamily. How many kids? How long have you all been together? What has your role been in their lives?

My husband Gregg and I have been married for five years and together for seven. We met and fell in love while we were working for the same company and navigating through respective divorces. With no kids of my own, meeting and marrying a man with two children was never part of my plan. But plans change.

My stepson is a thoughtful, reserved fifteen-year-old. My stepdaughter is a charismatic thirteen-year-old. The kids are with us every Monday and Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend. Living only ten minutes from their school and their mom’s house makes pick-ups, drop-offs and attending all of their activities very easy.

The kids were six and nine years old when I met them. Early on, I sat cross-legged on the floor with them for a heart to heart talk. I told them I thought the word “stepmom” was a weird name. I confessed to them that it felt a little strange for me to be called something with the word MOM in it. After all, I assured them, I knew I wasn’t their mom, nor was I trying to be. I let them know that I thought my role was different. Their eyes locked on mine and their heads bobbed up and down as we talked. On that day, the three of us agreed that they could call me their stepmom if they wanted, or they could simply refer to me as ‘Brenda, Dad’s wife’. They seemed pleased that I gave them permission to accept me on their own terms.

I think if you asked my stepkids to describe my role in their lives they would tell you that I bake them a lot of cookies, that I make sure we sit down to dinner as a family whenever they are with us and that I attend almost all of their activities. Although I’ve heard them refer to me as their stepmom, I believe that if they had to define my role, they would probably say that I am “Brenda…Dad’s wife. And I believe they would be very comfortable with that.

2. Do you think the amount of resources and support for today’s stepmom has changed since you first started out? How?

Yes, there are an increasing number of books, web sites, and even classes for stepmoms today. Until recently, there has been very little study or publicity around the unique challenges and dynamics that all stepfamilies face. Given the complexity, it’s no wonder that so many second marriages, sadly, become statistics. The more blogs, the more books, the more knowledge and understanding– the better!

3. Tell us about your magazine. Give us a little background and what your hope and goal for the magazine is?

StepMom Magazine is an on-line magazine. I wanted to create a place where stepmoms could not only find information, but also get support and be inspired. Each month, subscribers have access to new articles written by counselors, lawyers and other stepmoms. They also have access to a private support group forum where stepmoms can discuss common concerns and share successes. Above all, the magazine is designed to inspire women. My biggest hope is that the resources on stepmommag.com will help other women create happy and fulfilling lives for themselves and for the people they love.

4. Is there a subject that you have addressed in your magazine that held special significance for you, or touched you in a meaningful way?

I’m working right now on an interview piece for the April issue that really hits home. The subject is a woman with two grown stepkids and several grandchildren. She has thirty-five years of genuine, blood sweat and tears experience. Listening to her perspective and advice as someone who has been there, done that, is both comforting and inspiring. Her words have made me laugh, cry, and nod my head as I recognize our sisterhood as stepmoms. I’m really excited to share it with our readers.

5. What do you do to take care of yourself? Meaning, what do you do for YOU in order to be a better you in the family?

I give myself a free pass to do my own thing on the days when I’m not on my game. This means that Gregg might have dinner on his own with the kids while I go to the gym, or that I will occasionally take a trip to the mall in lieu of one of the kids’ sporting events. I’ve learned that it’s okay to need a break and that recharging and returning home focused is better for everyone as opposed to hanging around just for the sake of being present.

6. How does your husband support you in the stepfamily and in your relationships with the kids?

I am blessed with an amazing husband. I truly believe that the success rate of stepfamilies is directly proportionate to a husband’s ability to balance the love he has for his wife with the responsibility he has to his kids. No small task for anyone. Gregg does this, day-to-day in many ways:

• He takes full responsibility for his kids, allowing me to determine my level of involvement. He never assumes that I’ll clean up after them, play chauffeur or attend their functions– so it’s always been my choice to do these things, not my obligation.

• He supports my decisions in front of the kids, allowing them to see two equal adults operating as a united front.

• Gregg creates opportunities for me to be the hero. Questions that start with “Dad, can I …?” are followed up with “I don’t know you’ll have to check with Brenda” (This is only done after he and I have already agreed to say yes to said request).

• Most importantly, Gregg has always had unwavering faith and confidence that we could succeed. Through tough transitions and fears of the unknown he reminds me that together, we can work through anything. We have created a culture within our relationship where quitting is not an option. This reassurance is sometimes all you need to keep moving forward.

7. Favorite piece of advice?

On the day I was going to meet my stepkids for the first time a good friend said, “Wear a bright color – pink or red is good because kids like bright colors…just don’t wear black” (for anyone that knows me black was and still is a staple in my wardrobe). “And make sure to kneel down when you talk to them so that you’ll be eye level”. These were the first of many tactical tidbits I would solicit and heed. Seven years later, this same friend helped me to design StepMom Magazine’s web site and logo. It’s hot pink. My new favorite color.

Learn more about Brenda and subscribe to Stepmom Magazine by following this LINK

Introducing Ms. February!

Katie from Salt Lake City is stepmom to two kids and possesses the kind of calm wisdom many of us only hope to have. My interview with her left me feeling safe, warm and cozy. Truly, this woman is a gem (if not a Saint!) and it is her genuine nature that makes her so appealing. I wonder if she’d consider stepparenting me?

Katie writes regularly at Ritch In Love and is a member of stepchicks, the social networking sites for chicks like us.

1. How did you meet your husband? How old were you and what was your
reaction when you found out he came with kids?

Michael and I always say that asking how we met is a loaded question! I’ll try my best to give the Reader’s Digest Version, but if you want the full story, visit me at Ritch In Love.

I was a brand spankin’ new flight attendant at Southwest Airlines. I was 26 years old and engaged to another guy and not looking for another relationship! I was on call, or as we call it in the biz of flying “on reserve,” and was assigned to work a trip that would take me to my hometown, Salt Lake City.

Michael just happened to be working that trip. Michael walked up to the gate where the rest of our crew was waiting to start the day. I remember thinking when I saw him saunter up to the gate, “Oh Brother! This guy thinks he’s awesome!” We politely introduced ourselves. Then Michael told us that he didn’t have a book to read for this trip– meaning he expected the rest of us to entertain him over the next three days. I wasn’t about to go down that road so I promptly told him, “Well, guess you’ll have to buy a book ’cause I won’t be talking to ya!” So he went and bought a book. It’s still on our bookshelf today with the inscription: “The book my wife made me buy the day we met.”

Funny enough I ended up going down to the bar at the Portland hotel with Michael that night. I was famished and needed some down time. There we shared a few beers and talked and talked. Michael wasn’t trying to impress me or be someone he wasn’t. He knew I was engaged and respected my space. Instead he told me all about his kids. I was so impressed that he had kids and the love with which he talked about them. When I asked to see pictures of them he had them readily available and immediately flipped open his wallet to show me two beautiful kids!

A few weeks later Michael took me on our first date and I called of my engagement with the other guy. I had a very good understanding of what I was getting myself into. And I did so willingly!!

About four weeks later Michael asked me to marry him. Ten months later, to the date we met, I married Michael and became a wife and stepmom all in one magical day!

2. What’s your relationship like with your stepkids? How would you define
YOUR stepmom role?

My relationship with my stepkids is one that began as a friendship. But I knew that we couldn’t go through life just being friends. Something I believe in strongly is something my mother taught me: Parents are there to be parents first and friends second. So it was important that the children understood that they respect me as a parent. Their dad and I taught them that there were no secrets between us and that even though I wasn’t their natural mother I would be a parent to them both. Michael supported me as a parent in the family and fully engaged me in all aspects of parenting the children from the beginning.

Taylor fully accepted this information and loved the idea of her family growing. Colton, on the other hand, struggled and understandably so. But over time the children have both seen that my love for them is unconditional. They know they can trust every word that comes out of my mouth. They know that I love them as if they were my own.

My role as a stepmother is defined by my own heart and my own knowledge that even though they are not my natural children I still consider them “mine.” I love them as if they were my own and feeling that way helps me understand that I am their parent (because believe me there are days when I doubt who I am to them and wonder if I am doing everything that I should be doing for them.) Though the children live in a different state nothing can change the way I feel about them, day in and day out. Not a day goes by when I do not think about them or talk about them or plan something for them the next time they are home with us.

3. What have you done to grow closer to your stepkids?

This was tough considering I am a long-distance stepmom. At first I thought I had to be in their lives every minute of every day (slight exaggeration). I wanted to have constant communication with the children. I pushed the issue of phone calls, I wrote them letters, etc.. I didn’t want them to think that just because we lived far away from them that we had forgotten about them. But over time I realized that they knew we hadn’t forgotten about them. And I knew that they knew how much I loved them! So I backed off the overwhelming phone calls and letters.

Instead I try to talk to the kids a handful of times during each month. And that works great for both parties. However, when the children are with us they are my entire world. Whether it’s playing Chinese Checkers tournaments, hiking, going to movies, reading books, cooking or baking in the kitchen…we spend all our time as a family. It’s as if we can’t get enough of each other! ( Crazy as that sounds, but it’s true! ) On an individual basis I have tried to develop and maintain relationships of trust with the children. We each have our own inside jokes. I have girl time with Taylor and Colton and I go on “mother/son” dates, which is usually going to a movie of his choice. But they know that that is their time with me and both of us look forward to those afternoons.

4. Talk about why you blog, and why you have two blogs.

I blog for a couple of reasons. First of all I am not a scrapbook kinda gal! Haha! But I love to write and document our family experiences! Blogging is also an outlet that allows me to express myself through computer design, pictures, and writing. I have many friends and family members across around this world that catch up on our family by reading my blog.

Another reason I blog is to reach out to others. I have met many wonderful people through this hobby…many of which are women that have the same beliefs that I do. Others are women seeking the knowledge that they are not alone in their experiences and trials…so they seek advice through blogging. I know, because I have been one of those women.

Being a new stepmom and dealing with all of the factors involved: the ex wife, child support, visitations, etc. It was all very overwhelming. I didn’t have any friends that knew what I was going through and how hard it was adapting to this lifestyle. So I started my 2nd blog. That blog is private for many reasons. The title is “Stepmama Drama: From the Heart of a Stepmother.” Obviously life isn’t a bed of roses. And my husband and I have dealt with some serious issues when it comes to the children. I started that blog because I wanted to document those experiences. I reached out to other stepmom bloggers and soon found that I was not the only one living such emotional experiences.

The women that I have met through writing that blog have become some of my dearest friends. We speak on the phone and email. And plans for a combined family get together with one of my friends on the east coast is in the works! I’m so thankful that I have that 2nd blog: it was my lifesaver!

5. You and your husband look so happy. What’s your secret?

Michael and I get asked this question a lot. And the truth is we really are happy! We’re not sugar-coating it for the blog. We actually have a great marriage! I think that we got lucky! We’re best friends. We tell each other everything. We love the same things. We do practically everything together from serving drinks above the clouds to pumping iron at the gym! Both of us believe in pulling our own weight in a marriage. Michael doesn’t think that just because I’m a woman I should do all the cooking, cleaning, etc. Instead we both contribute to all aspects. He cooks most of the time…I clean most of the time. However there are nights when I cook and when he cleans. (Though I truly prefer his cooking over mine and I’d rather he NEVER touch the laundry!)

Something else that makes us happy? Honesty. Truth. I never feel as if I have to hide anything from Michael, unless it’s a Christmas present! We have a really open relationship. And it works great for us! The biggest secret to our happiness: We both put our marriage FIRST. No matter what, Michael and I make our marriage and our relationship our #1 priority. We know that through thick or thin we will support each other.

6. Do you have a favorite piece of advice for other stepmoms? What helps you get through the day?

I don’t know if I’m qualified to give advice, but I do know that step-parenting can be very difficult at times. I am especially lucky because I rarely have difficult days with my kids when they are home. I know there are others that are not in my position. But many stepmothers are familiar with the curve balls that are thrown into your life thanks to the divorce that your husbands went through. The nitty-gritty details of a divorce can really weigh one down at times. During these moments of frustration and sometimes despair the best piece of advice I give is to remember the blessings that came into your life because of the divorce your husband went through. If it had not happened you would not have been blessed with such a great man or such great children! So when the going gets tough: count those blessings.

8. Explain the title of your blog: Ritch in Love.

I love the title of my blog. It describes our family perfectly. In this day and age when times are tough and the economy is struggling, Michael and I have come to learn that life isn’t about money. It isn’t about the kind of cars one drives. It isn’t about how large your home is compared to the “Jones.” Instead life is about family and the simple joys that come from enjoying life as a family. I see our family as one that is “Ritch in Joy”, “Ritch in Laughter”, “Ritch in Compassion”, but most of all unconditionally “Ritch in Love.”

Introducing Ms. January!

Lacey from Louisiana has been married to her husband for one year. She has one stepchild, a boy, who is 8. She writes regularly at amygdalathoughts and is a member of stepchicks, the social networking sites for chicks like us.

1. How did you meet your husband and what was your initial reaction to the fact that he had a son?

I met my husband in the most interesting of ways–on Myspace. He sent me a message, which I initially ignored (hellllooo scary internet perv, right?). But he persisted and sent another message so I checked out his friends list, saw we knew some people in common and figured he couldn’t be all that bad. After further conversation with him, we found one key person we had in common–his ex-sister in law, oddly enough. So, long story short we both researched the other through her and eventually went on our first date. My initial reaction to the fact he had a son was, “Aww…how sweet.”

2. Describe your current relationship with your stepson.

My relationship with my stepson can be described in one word–evolving. We have our good moments and our bad moments. Currently, he is having trouble adjusting to changes in his life: our family is about to move, his mom is getting married and about to move, he’s going to change schools, so that’s created a few of those “bad moments” lately.

3. How has your role changed with your stepson since the wedding, if at all?

I don’t really think my role changed much with my stepson since the wedding. I do think my husband’s ex-wife began to accept me more once my husband and I were engaged and she knew I was going to become her son’s stepmom.

4. Talk about planning a blended family wedding. Any advice for other soon-to-be stepmoms?
As soon as we got engaged we sat down with my stepson and explained that we were getting married, what that meant for us and for him, and told him there would be a wedding with a “big party” afterwards (the reception). He was the ring bearer in our wedding and we just tried to keep everything positive about the whole experience. My advice to soon-to-be-stepmoms would be to make sure the kids feel included. That can be difficult if it’s your first wedding because it’s supposed to be your day, right? Also, (unrelated to stepkids) wedding planning can be so stressful so just take a step back and enjoy it!

4. I know you’ve been trying to get pregnant. How does your stepson feel about gaining a sibling?

We have been trying to get pregnant for a few months. My stepson is an only child in both families and is not very keen on the idea of things changing. We’ve discussed it with him a lot…actually, it’s sort of an ongoing conversation. We know another child is something we want, and all we can do is continue to be positive about it and hope he adjusts well. Oh, and I also am going to have an “I’m a big brother” party once the baby comes home complete with cake so that my stepson feels included. I can’t remember where I read about this idea but I thought it was great when I saw it.

5.You started your blog long before you became an “official” stepmom. How has having a blog helped you with the transition from single gal to instant mom?

My blog has been my saving grace while I transitioned into “instant mom.” It’s my place to vent and receive feedback from others, even if it’s not always what I want to hear. It offers me a different point of view on situations and has allowed me to meet some great stepmoms. I hope to meet some of them in person one day!

6. Aside from your blog, how do you meet other stepmoms?

I only know one stepmom IRL (in real life) and her situation is slightly different. The bio mom passed away and the child is only two and sees her as her mother, not her stepmother. I met a girl in nursing school that was dating a guy with a child but their relationship eventually ended. Basically what I’m saying is the internet is really where I’ve met other stepmoms and that is actually one of the reasons I started my blog. I was tired of feeling alone dealing with “stepmom issues”

7. What’s the hardest thing/ best thing about being an smom?

The hardest thing about being a stepmom is having so much responsibility for something that’s not yours and always having outside influences affecting things in our home. The best thing about being a smom is getting to witness the milestones…kindergarten graduation, first days of school, first soccer games, Santa Claus visits, etc.

Thank You Lacey!


If you or someone you know wants to be the Featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, email Izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. August!

Erin from Chicago and creator of the blog, The Erin Experiment, was recently in Austin and I got to spend some time with her in person. She gave me lots to think about and she shares it with you here.

1) What are the ages of your stepkids?

I’m 32, have been married for three years, to a man with two children, a 12-year-old (going on 25) year old girl and a 6-year old boy.

2) When you first started dating your husband, how did you feel about the fact that he had kids?

My mother, who I am very close to, had always predicted I’d marry a man slightly older than I am and who had children. I’d spent my adulthood around kids (my own brother and sister are 18 years younger than I am) and I grew into being a bit of a nurturer. All of that being said, it didn’t bother me in the slightest when I found out he had kids. I liked that I was able to see his parenting style from the beginning. He’s an amazing dad and that is part of what attracted me to him.

3) Talk about the name they use for you. How did this come about and how do you feel about this “label?”

When I first met my stepchildren, the little guy wasn’t able to say my name. He could muster the letter “N” but that was it. For the longest time, that had become my nickname. Once my stepson was able to pronounce my name, they both would call me Erin, until my stepson started calling me “Stepmom.” My best guestimation as to why has to do with my husband and I sharing the same name (Erin/Aaron). My stepson knows he can’t call his dad Aaron, so I think to him, why would he be able to call me Erin? He started calling me Stepmom and everyone else has too. Even the kids’ mom refers to me as Stepmom (as in “Ask Stepmom what she thinks.”) When most friends or strangers hear the kids call me Stepmom, I often get weird glances or questions about if they’re being rude. Given that most stepmoms are referred to by their first name by their stepkids, I consider my name an honor although sometimes a “but you’re just a stepmom” will creep in and that stings a little.

4) Do you and your husband have different parenting styles? Explain. How does discipline work in your house?

Our parenting styles go against every stepparenting/blended family advice there is. My husband and I are both strict, but the eyes in the back of my head have much better vision so I catch more things than he does. I was raised in a pretty strict household and had a lot of rules. Back then I hated the boundaries my parents set, but now I can’t thank my parents enough. I tend to parent the same way my parents did — by setting boundaries. My stepkids are really well behaved for the most part — I’m pretty lucky. When it comes to discipline, I tend to handle the day-to-day discipline regarding chores, manners, etc., but my husband handles the big stuff (i.e., grades, behavioral problems). Maybe it’s the rules I grew up with, but I’m even more disciplined about discipline. If my husband and his ex-wife say no t.v. for a week, I’m the most likely to make sure the t.v. stays off.

5) What is your relationship with the ex-wife? What is your advice to other stepmoms who struggle with this relationship?

We get along pretty well. She often says I’m the one bright thing that came from their divorce. My husband and I live a mile away from his ex-wife (done on purpose so we’d all be in the same school district) and we often help each other out. I’ve been known to drop her off at work on my way up to my suburban Chicago job and she’ll help us out by checking on the house when we’re out of town. I’ll also stand in for my husband when he’s out of town and can’t pick up or drop off the kids up at school or make it to an extra-curricular event. I think people have trouble telling who’s who when we’re at one of the kids’ events.

In the five years we’ve known each other, my husband has been my greatest source of inspiration and aggravation as it relates to getting along with his ex-wife. In the beginning, there was some animosity between his ex and I and I found it difficult to want to be nice. My husband did, and still does, set a good example about being nice despite how angry he might be about a situation. I think it’s had a big impact because we all get along pretty well.

If I had any advice to other stepmoms out there it would be to be as nice and kind as you’re capable of being. You may want to pull your hair out behind closed doors while you pretend to be happy with the situation, but in the long run, you’ll be glad you were kind. As cliched as it sounds, it’s character building and it sets a good example for the kids.

6) What do you do to keep your sanity?

I lived alone before I moved in with my husband and stepkids and the adjustment seemed to take years. I felt claustrophobic and got angry easily because I felt tied down to responsibilities I didn’t use to have. To alleviate that frustration, I took many parenting experts’ advice: take time for yourself. I have no qualms about leaving the kids in front of the t.v. and going upstairs to take a bath. Those dishes can wait, too!

In the past year, I’ve also started taking a pole dancing fitness class. I’m used to getting a lot of raised eyebrows when I mention that, but I love the class. It makes me feel empowered and strong in addition to feeling sexy and sultry. Everyone wins when I come home from my Sunday afternoon pole class!

7) What do you hope for your stepkids?

For both of them, I hope they become independence-loving world travelers. I have this “rule” for all of the kids in my life (brother, sister, stepkids): before you settle down with someone else, you must live alone for at least a month and have at least one stamp in your passport. I firmly believe people find strength in learning to be alone and in seeing the world.

8) What is the most surprising thing about your stepmom life?

I’m in constant awe of how equally gratifying and frustrating it is. I’ve enjoyed seeing — and helping — my stepkids grow into these beautiful people, but I’m always fighting some internal battle about how I need to relax my mothering tendencies and be more of an on-the-sidelines stepmom.

9) Why do you blog?

My husband turned me on to blogging in 2003. I’d always written journals, but because my career was blossoming, I wanted to build a portfolio for potential work. My first blog wasn’t a portfolio, but a wedding planning blog that I kept to inform family members about our plans. About a year and half after we got married, I started my current blog, The Erin Experiment, as just that — an experiment. It was my vehicle to trying out new digital media ideas (which is my current profession) and to let anyone who read the blog know that stepmoms are people too.

The blog has been cathartic in the past 18 months, particularly in the last year. After a two-year wait to get pregnant, my husband and I found out in August 2007 we were going to have a baby; I then had a miscarriage a few weeks later. The miscarriage happened to coincide with another dark moment in my stepparenting life and I was desperate to jettison my anger and frustration out in the world. I also blogged about my attempts to try and get pregnant and how lonely and sad I felt about being a stepmom and unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant again.

I credit my blog and the wonderful people who’ve read and commented on it for helping me crawl out of the sad, dark bunker of a saditude I’d had for the past year.

If you or someone you know wants to be the Featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, email Izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. July!

Jess from Palo Alto, CA is in her thirties and has been married for four years to a man with three kids, all in the double digits. She is expecting a child in November.

Recently from the Bay Area myself, I was interested in how many of Jess’ friends and colleagues are becoming stepmoms, too. What I have discovered is that many of us who were living the single life in the big city and pursuing our careers more than marriage confronted a similar scenario when we finally met the man we wanted to marry- He already had kids! I asked her to comment on this.

Do you meet many stepmoms in the Bay Area and how do they feel about becoming instant mothers?

That’s a good question. The divorce rate is pretty low in this part of the world and a lot of my friends whose parents had troubled marriages won’t even consider becoming stepmoms. The stepmoms I do know are often strictly about the man [more than the kids]. I think that’s true in general though.

It’s helpful to have a group of women who understand the joys and frustrations of being a step-parent.

I understand you have formed a stepmom group on and offline. How have you done this and what has been your success?

We’ve had success with our little group stepparent meetup. Of course, we’d be happy to have more! We meet one Sunday a month in Menlo Park, CA. It’s helpful to have a group of women who understand the joys and frustrations of being a step-parent. There are many joys, but there are frustrations. There’s only so much empathy when a person hasn’t had your experience.

Talk more about your group. What do you talk about most? What do you do together?

So far, we meet for coffee once a month. Usually there are a couple of questions that we like to ask the group. The most important thing is that we are not judgmental, because we’ve been there before!

What has been your hardest struggle becoming a stepmom? What has been the coolest thing?

The hardest part is the number of compromises I had [to make] from the beginning. The coolest thing is creating our own rituals. We go crazy at Halloween, and the anti-tooth fairy visits on Thursday nights with candy after bed. It’s wonderful creating a family.

What’s your favorite piece of advice, or the mantra that has worked best for you?

I’m not their parent, but we are a family.

If you or someone you know wants to be the Featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, email Izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. April!

Emily Bouchard is the author of Straight Answers to Tough Stepfamily Questions, Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict and my favorite, The Holiday Survival Guide for Blended Families. She’s also a blended family coach with a Bachelor’s Degree in child development with an emphasis in adolescence. That said, she’s gained most of her wisdom from being a stepmom herself and spending years in the trenches. With all that experience, I was excited to ask her a few questions.

1. Give us a little background. How long have you been a stepmom? How did your experiences stepparenting teens influence your work today?

I became a stepdaughter when I was 15 and my dad remarried after my mother died (when I was 14). As a 42 year old woman, I’ve had a stepmother longer than I was with my biological mother and have learned a lot from my stepmom now that I’m an adult!

I became a stepmother at age 30 to two young women who were 15 and 17 at the time I became involved with their dad. Their mother had left the marriage to pursue a relationship with another man 9 months prior to my coming on the scene. The girls lived full time with their dad and were none too happy to have me take all his attention from them (that was definitely their experience).

And, I became a stepgrandmother at 34, and helped to raise my stepgranddaughter from the time she was 6 months until she was 3 years old. We provided a stable environment and a nurturing home for her and her mom, who was finishing high school and then went to Junior College.

I learned early on in the trenches what works and what does not with my teenagers.

I launched my coaching practice while living with my younger stepdaughter and my granddaughter. I began writing about our experiences day to day and found that many of my articles were about what I learned from the girls as teenagers, and how they made a powerful impact on me as a stepmom and as a stepdaughter. I also saw how all the training I had in graduate school (Social Work) to become a marital and family therapist did not come close to preparing me for what it takes to successfully stepparent and have a family that thrives. I learned early in the trenches what works and what does not with my teenagers and all I have to share comes directly from those experiences, as well as those of the hundreds of stepparents (and teens) I’ve coached over the last five years.

2. Explain the concept, open heart surgery.

When I was first starting out with my coaching practice, I found that I repeatedly had the results with my clients of them opening up their hearts to their stepchildren and to themselves in ways that were truly inspiring and life-changing. In the course of a 30 minute phone coaching session, a disgruntled, unhappy resentful stepmom would shift to tearing up with gratitude, love, and compassion in ways that changed everything for her going forward. I coined the phrase I perform open heart surgery over the phone as a way to describe to people what happens when someone chooses to work with me.

3. Can you talk about some of the most common struggles that stepfamilies have? And give us a word or two of encouragement in those areas.

In the work I’ve done serving over 5000 subscribers, there are some key distinctions I’ve learned that anyone in a blended or stepfamily situation needs to be aware of. One of these is:

A hero steps up and steps into a thankless role because they know that this is about something much bigger than who they are.

Many women dream of living happily-ever-after when they are young and envisioning their future and as a result, anyone in a stepfamily situation has an underlying sense that they’ve failed in some way. This erroneous belief can be changed abruptly around with the analogy of StepHeroes! A hero is someone who goes where most fear to tread. A hero steps up and steps into a thankless role because they know that this is about something much bigger than who they are. A hero is someone who does what they know is right in their heart to do, in the moment, without concern for how others may think about or view their choices. Anyone who chooses to enter into a stepparenting situation is truly a hero and should be honored as such and most of all by themselves, internally.

Heroes in step and blended families have to deal with emotional landmines in their homes. Landmines of guilt, loss, shame, abandonment, resentment, hurt, and heartbreak. Knowing how to navigate and defuse these can make all the difference in your level of peace and satisfaction in your family life.

StepHeroes also have to contend with issues related to custody, transitioning from household to household, parenting differences, frustrating former spouses, and the ever-present, evil-stepmother stereotype to overcome.

4. In the early years, what was one of your hardest struggles being a step? What helped you?

It may sound odd, but the hardest thing for me to learn was the liberating notion that it’s okay to have the teenagers in your life hate you, not like you, disapprove of you, distrust you, and be disgusted by you. Learning to let go of needing their love, acceptance, or approval was the most important lesson for me. Of all the things I emphasize in my coaching with stepparents is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

One of the best resources out there for learning this is The Work of Byron Katie. I found this work about 6 months after become a stepmom and it truly saved my marriage and strengthened my relationship with my girls. It is the one tool I return to again and again. Katie’s work, combined with loving, compassionate communication really helps take lousy situations and makes them gifts and chances for greater intimacy and connection.

The hardest thing for me to learn was the liberating notion that it’s okay to have teenagers in your life hate you.

My ebook, Conquering Conflict, gives step by step guidance on how to access your compassion and open your heart in the most heated situations, and most of all, how to not take what’s happening personally.

5. Many of my readers talk about feelings of isolation— sacrificing for their new family, and not being taken care of in return. How can we take care of ourselves and care for our new family at the same time?

This is so important and something I work with stepmoms every day about how to have clear, healthy boundaries with your family; how to make direct requests and also have clear expectations about how everyone in the family is there to contribute and to be of service to the family; and how to cultivate a winning team and attitude within the family system, so it’s not all about you winning their approval. Stop working so hard and start looking for ways to unite and unify the whole family towards working together towards a common goal. I often encourage the creation of a family mission statement based on shared values. I also recommend creating a collage together as a family where you deliberately envision how you want your life to be.

6. Let’s talk about teenagers. I am a step to a 15 year old. My biggest challenge is getting the kid to open up. I know a lot of women struggle with being an authority to step-teens. Can you give us three pieces of advice regarding stepparenting teens?

There’s so much to say in this area. Here’s three things to consider:

1. They didn’t choose you or ask you to be in their life. Meet them where they are and let go of needing them to approve of your presence (when they don’t). If you want them to respect you, choose to treat them with respect for who they are, what they are feeling, and what they are going through.

2. It is the job of a teenager to feel misunderstood, different, isolated, confused studies have shown that the chemical imbalance in a teens brain is similar to that of a psychotic episode which certainly explains how moody they can be, how unpredictable they can be towards the adults in their lives, and how erratic their behaviors and emotions can seem.

3. Teens do great with clear structure and consequences and lots of gratitude, kindness, and empathy. They want to know that you care, even if they work hard to show you that they don’t. Get with your partner and determine what structures you want to have in place. Then connect with all the kids in the household and share your thoughts and discover theirs as well. For example, my husband and I got clear that we didn’t want the girls on the roads after midnight and not so much about them, as about the higher incidents of driving deaths after midnight, so they had a curfew that was about not driving or being on the road after midnight. If they came home later, they knew that their car privilege would be lost and that they’d have to earn it back. We involved them in determining how they would rebuild our trust in them and they would have to take the initiative to fulfill their commitments in order to get the use of the car again.

Teens do great with clear structure and consequences and lots of gratitude, kindness, and empathy.

I found that being consistently, deliberately, and genuinely grateful for even the smallest things with my two girls made the biggest difference in the long run. I had to deal with violent outbursts all the way to looks that could kill – and, believe me, the girls had to deal with my outbursts as well. It was my constant, relentless willingness to connect, talk through things, and explore their relationship to what was happening that paid off in the end. Being optimistic and curious and seeking to understand drew them out over time. They have to learn to trust that you’re for real and that you’re in it for the long haul.

Think about it from their perspective: the two adults they love and trust more than anyone split up and that wasn’t supposed to happen. Then, dad chooses you, and they’re supposed to openly, willingly, blindly trust that he’s a better judge now than he was before, that you’re a better choice than their mom for him, and that you two are going to be together forever are not likely! The statistics are not in your favor, and your teens know that to put their trust in you may not be in their best interest.

7. Can you talk about the importance of play for the family? What’s something that worked in your own family?

Doing things together that the kids enjoy. We loved watching videos and going to movies together; making popcorn together; gardening; going for walks; playing Monopoly; I don’t know if you can print this, but my oldest stepdaughter took me skinny dipping in a local pond for my first time! That was a great bonding experience. I felt more accepted by the girls when they chose to take me to their favorite swimming hole at the local river. We also tried family trips together and we had a kayaking trip that was a real disaster for all of us and, at the same time, the upsets, the fights, the conflict all served to foster the intimacy we feel all these years later. It was our ongoing commitment to inclusion, to being together, to trying things out together, and sticking with each other through all that would show up in the space that provided the glue that’s kept us so close.

8. You seem to have an amazing bond with your husband and a great marriage. How can we stay connected to our husbands through these crazy times?

Early on we discovered two very important elements to our success:

a. We went away for the weekend about once a month or every six weeks to reconnect and recharge.
b. We started a couples group with two other couples in stepfamily situations and we met once a month for four years! We are all still very close and those friendships and that ongoing support made such a powerful difference for us.

9. The blended family is quickly outnumbering the traditional nuclear model. Instead of focusing on the negative, what are some positives about being part of a blended family? I grew up in a step-household and have written about all the wonderful people and experiences I had that I wouldn’t necessarily had if my parents hadn’t divorced. I’m thankful for my stepfamily. What about you?

I am sincerely grateful for my stepmother’s courage, generosity, and selflessness after seeing what she put up with has made me a better stepmom with my girls. And without her I wouldn’t have had a mother for most of my life.

Putting in the effort has given me the gift of two young women who trust and love me for me. My oldest asked me to coach her when she planned her wedding. While she had a difficult time emotionally at the time of my wedding, she noticed how peaceful I was and how much I enjoyed my wedding. She wanted that and asked for my guidance to help make that happen and what greater gift could a stepmom ask for?!

10. Do you have any special words you live by? When I first became a stepmom, my mantra was suppress, obsess and deny( I know, not very healthy:) Now, it’s reach, stretch and breathe.

It’s not about me. It’s for me.Receive the gifts that are in front of you and learn and heal and grow as you grow with your family.

All the best,

Emily Bouchard
“Bringing peace to the planet one family at a time.”
Founder, www.blended-families.com
& The Got Heart Project

If you or someone you know wants to be the Featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, email Izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. March!

Stephanie from Palo Alto, CA is a dear friend, a fellow TV producer, a stepmom and a new bio-mom. She and I got married just one week apart to men who already had kids– mine came with boys, hers came with two girls. She has just recently added her own baby to the mix. Here is her story…

1) Talk a little about your relationship with the girls early on.

From the moment I met the girls nearly four years ago, we’ve always gotten along. They were just 4 and 6 years old - cute, smart and precocious. Within eight months, we had taken trips together to Disneyland, Lake Tahoe and to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving.

My husband “snuggles” with the girls every night in their beds before they go to sleep and since I’ve been around, I have joined in that ritual.

2) How have things changed since you had a baby?

Things have changed and it’s strictly a function of time. As almost everyone knows, babies take up a lot of time. Early on, between breastfeeding, consoling and trying to get some sleep myself, I had less time for everyone. Now I’m back to work full time at a very demanding job and there just aren’t enough hours in the day. Plus, my mother is ill. Most of my relationships (family, friends) have felt the effect. It’s heartbreaking when you stop to think about it, but I just do the best that I can.

The greatest joy has been to watch the girls grow up.

3. Talk a bit about your decision to get pregnant. Many women have been talking recently on the site about the struggle they had with adding a baby to the mix. What was it like for you…the good stuff / the not so good stuff.

Besides having a miscarriage, which was devastating at the time, the idea of adding a baby was never a problem. Happily, I easily became pregnant again and had a pretty smooth pregnancy - no morning sickness at all. I do remember suffering through a couple of bad colds, a chicken pox scare and some painful tendinitis after gaining forty pounds, but those memories quickly fade away.

My husband and I have struggled through some disagreements on taking care of our son and I’m sure there are more to come, but mostly Jacob’s been a blessing. After spending his first week of life in the NICU and Special Care Nursery, he’s a happy and very healthy boy.

My stepdaughters love him and love to help take care of him.

4. What is your role in the house as stepmom?

My husband is extremely hands-on, so I get to do as much or as little as I want with regard to the girls. I love to cook for the family, so I cook dinner most of the time. He makes their breakfasts and packs their lunches. He also checks their homework, makes their playdates and entertains them on the weekends. I’m really lucky in that I can focus on the baby and have a little free time to myself when I’m not working.

5. What has been the hardest and what has been the greatest joy becoming a stepmom?

The greatest joy has been to watch the girls grow up. It’s amazing and a little bittersweet to see how much they’ve changed. I love going to events at their school and have even driven on a field trip or two.

The hardest part - the downside of having a little more time and freedom from my stepmom role- is not having as much say or influence as I’d like to sometimes. They have a great mom, who is very hands-on herself, so I have a limited role in making important decisions in their lives.

6. Many women our age are marrying men who already have kids– not necessarily the fantasy, but now often, the common reality. Was this ever an issue for you?

When I was younger, I never really considered marrying a man with kids. I didn’t grow up in blended family and didn’t know too many people who did. But I found the positives completely outweighed any negatives. Finding a man who would be a great father was one of my top priorities and I could see for my own eyes what a fabulous “father” I’d found.

If you or someone you know would like to be the Stepmom in the Spotlight, send me an email: izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. February!

Michelle lives in San Diego with her husband on a big chunk of land they share with their beloved horses. She is now in her sixties; she has two adult stepchildren and four step-grandkids. She shares her early struggles as a stepmom and speaks honestly about what got her through.

“Where do I start? This story is so long and tangled, but I will try to streamline it so that it makes some kind of sense. First, let me get one thing out of the way. While in college, I had a child, a boy, who I gave up for adoption. I never had another child after that. Having said that, I’m sure you can already see the twists and turns I encountered during my years as a stepmother.”

1) When did your step kids come into your life and what was the relationship?

Jack and Diane came into my life when I was 33. Jack was turning 13; Julie was 10. Jack had just moved in with his father, and shortly after that, we were married and became a ready-made family on the surface. Jack’s relationship with his mother was not good and his dad’s relationship with her was even worse. Jack hung on my every move and every word, which was flattering. But, I committed the number one no-no a stepmother should never commit. I viewed Jack as my second chance at being a mother and forgot that was not my place. Instead of being a friend, I mothered him. In doing that, I know I confused Jack and made his relationship with his mother turn worse. I wish I could un-do that.

Diane lived with her mother and was very close to her. When she came to stay with us, she was quiet and withdrawn. She was an observer, not a participator. I believe Diane was caught in the middle of a horrible situation. She saw a warm family environment when she came to our home, and an angry, surly environment when she returned home. Diane held a lot of resentment inside her for many years. Neither of the children went to any counseling. Another big mistake.

“Remember that time is a healer. Everyone grows up.”

Thirty-one years later: Jack and Diane’s mother died of breast cancer at the age of 52 in 1995. Jack is now married with two girls and lives in the Northwest. Diane is also married with two girls and lives in the Sacramento area. Miraculously, they have both turned the negatives of their younger years into positives. Both of them are warm, responsive, loving spouses. Both are excellent parents. My relationship with both of them is healthy. I actually believe my relationship with Diane is more honest than with Jack. Both of them have a deep love for their father, a healthy love and respect for me, and I know they would be there for either of us should the need arise. How on earth that happened with all the years of chaos and turmoil, I will never know. It is amazing the resilience that children have.

2) What part of the stepmom role was hardest for you?

I think it is difficult to have a step child live in your home; You have to always hold them at arm’s length, remembering that you are not the mom. You’re the one that holds their head when they throw up; you’re the one that helps them with their homework; who picks them up at school; cooks their favorite food. And on and on. You develop a love for these children, yet you have to keep saying over and over to yourself, I AM NOT THE MOM. That was very difficult for me.

3) How did you take care of yourself through the trying times?

Long, hot baths. Lots of long hot baths - with a glass of wine and the door locked! There were so many time I needed to get away from EVERYONE!

4) What’s been good about being a stepmom? How has is changed you?

The good? I have two wonderful step children who communicate with me and say “I love you” when they hang up the phone. I have 4 beautiful granddaughters who call me Grandma (and that’s just fine with their parents). If those three words from my step children and those four little girls hugging you and kissing you, don’t change you and have an impact on your life, I can’t imagine what would.

5) How did you manage your relationship with your husband?

My husband worked a lot of long hours and long days. I spent more time with Jack while he was growing up than he did. That’s just the way it was and we worked it out. My husband was grateful for my involvement and help with his son and he supported me in most of my decisions. We tried to stand shoulder to shoulder with each encounter. We tried to talk things out behind closed doors before discussing them with Jack and Diane. We wanted them to view us as two people in agreement, not at odds. I think that was our toughest goal, but most of the time we managed to pull it off. There were a lot of times we cried in each other’s arms.

6) Any words of wisdom for new stepmoms?

There will be so many bad days that they will make you want to pack your bags and run away. And then good days will come along. Remember that time is a healer. Everyone grows up. Try to mend the arguments if you can so they don’t fester. Laugh a lot.
Good luck.

If you or anyone you know, would like to be the featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, drop me an email: izzy@stepmothersmilk.com. I’d love to hear your story.

Introducing Ms. January!

Jill Doughtie writes regularly at the DHX, a fantastic blog that focuses primarily on the stepmom and bio-mom relationship. Jill (stepmom) and Kathy (biomom) are an inspiring example of how patience, good humor and fortitude can create a blended family where everyone’s happy (at least most of the time).

1) Talk a little about your decision to start a blog with your husband’s ex. How did this come about and what were your hopes for putting it out there?

Kathy and I were in a coffee shop together talking about money and the kids and wanting more money to pursue the kids’ goals and our goals. I think we’d both been playing with the idea of asking the other one to collaborate on a writing project about the mom-stepmom relationship. Neither one of us knew that the other one had been thinking about it, and we both thought the other wouldn’t be interested. We realized that afternoon that we were both very interested, and that we also might be able to make money together to pursue some of the goals we’d been talking about. We decided to start with a blog with the goal of ultimately writing a book together.

2) And what about this relationship with the ex? I get a sense that you and Kathy were not always so close, but now consider each other family and friends. How did this happen?

We were friendly when we first met — I think we both had warm, good first impressions of each other. We didn’t know each other well when I moved in with G, but what we knew of each other we liked. When I moved in with G, Kathy and I were both all of a sudden deeply in each other’s space and very surprised. We did the best we knew how to do, but after a while, our best turned into not talking to each other for a year. That year of not talking was one of the most tortured, unhappy years of my life.

“I needed to commit to actively working to understand her perspective, address her concerns, and communicate my own feelings and needs more clearly.”

I hit a point where I realized I’d do whatever I had to do to be happy again. Even if it meant reexamining my basic ideas about who I was and how things were supposed to be. I read stacks and stacks of books, and slowing began to understand how it would be quite possible for her to see me as the bad guy, and how, if the relationship was important to me, I needed to commit to actively working to understand her perspective, address her concerns, and communicate my own feelings and needs more clearly. If the relationship was important to me, I needed to take action. I could not waste time sulking. I realized that the relationship was very important to me, because as long as I was with G, she and I would be in each other’s lives. I came to see the choice as staying with G and reconciling with Kathy, or leaving. And I was in love with G and wanted to stay.

I emailed her at first and told her I was sorry. We started meeting to talk at restaurants. She was very receptive, open and willing to talk and to listen. It wasn’t easy at first, but it felt good. It felt right. I started to feel like myself again. We got to know each other as people. We started using the word “friend” about each other. It felt strange at first, but more and more comfortable over time. We started to grow closer and to trust each other more. Kathy had to go to the hospital suddenly for surgery early this last fall, and that’s when the “family” part really gelled. She was in the hospital for about a week, and I asked her if she wanted me to come visit her, and she said yes, and I came and stayed with her as much as I could during that week. It was pure joy. We were just quiet together a lot. We talked some. Mostly we just knew that we loved each other. And that felt really good.

3) Give a little history. When did you get married? Who are these stepkids of yours and what has your relationship with them been like?

I met G in early 2003, met Kathy and the kids in late 2003, moved in with G in early 2005, and married G in early 2007. The kids, Chris and Jack, are 15 and 12. They are warm, funny, handsome kids. I love them. G waited to introduce me to them until we were pretty serious, and I took my time getting to know them after that. We moved slowly.

4) How did you win these kids over? Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with them today.

All the books said, “Don’t try to take the place of their mom. Don’t come in and make a bunch of new rules.” I followed that advice. G and Kathy set the directions parenting-wise. Also, I try to learn about things I know the kids are interested in. For a while we were playing video games together. That was a great bonding experience. I’ll probably never have the same blood-bond close relationship they have with G and Kathy, but that’s okay. That’s natural. And it’s not a competition.

I think the number one thing I did to bond with them was open my heart to their mom, though.

5) What is hardest about being a stepmom? Feeling like an outsider? Talk about this.

Feeling like an outsider is hard. It’s probably the hardest thing about being a stepmom for me. I still feel like I’m in a country where everyone else is speaking their native tongue, and I will never be a native speaker of their language. We might eventually all find that we’ve moved and that we’re in new country and that we’re speaking a new language that is a combination of our native languages. But I don’t think we’re there yet. Kathy says she feels like an outsider, too, though. Maybe all five of us feel like outsiders to a certain extent. It would be nice if we all felt like insiders together.

6) What is something you have learned from reading other women’s blogs?

People are beautiful and messed up and no one really knows what they are doing, including me. The world is full of normal, amazing, messed up, beautiful people.

7) What are the benefits to the kids for all loving each other, like you mention in one of your recent posts?

The kids don’t have to live in the middle of a cold war. The kids don’t have to worry about taking care of us. The kids get to concentrate on being kids. They don’t have to worry as much about about divided loyalty. They don’t have to live quite such schizophrenic lives. Both sides of their DNA are validated. They get to see the grown-ups they love getting along.

If you want to hear more about Jill and Kathy’s sweet household, visit them here.

Introducing Ms. December!

Lori Hansen lives in Minnesota and is a bio-mom, as well as a stepmom. She has valuable insight because she was the often labeled and misunderstood “EX” for many years before remarrying and gaining the stepmom perspective. Now, she shares a growing friendship with the stepmom of her kids and the mother of her stepkids. She blogs about her experiences at the real world.

1) Talk about your husband remarrying a woman who became the stepmom to your kids and how that made you feel. So many smom blogs bash the ex-wife. Let’s get your side of the story. Talk about the fear of being replaced.

My husband met and starting dating his current wife shortly after our divorce. With all of the emotions that are already involved in a divorce, this seemed to add to it. The questions that I usually asked myself were, “How will she treat my kids?” “Will she love them like I do?” and “Will the kids like her better then me?” I think that most of my concerns were legitimate… when someone new is introduced to your kids and will play a big part in raising them. What I figured out was that “replacement” was an insecurity that I had and needed to deal with, and this had nothing to do with her. She has been great with the kids and has shown unconditional love and support for them.

2) What advice do you have for bio mom and stepmom to get along?

My advice for how to get along with your kids’ step mom is understand and know that it is just as much of an adjustment for her as it is for you. Be respectful of each other and know that the relationship that you have with her is not the one that you have with your ex. She is the person that is taking care of your kids when you are not there. Shouldn’t you want to get along and know her? Parenting is not easy- having someone else that you can bounce ideas off of is very helpful.

3) Explain how you became a stepmom- how old were the kids- what is that relationship like now?

I became a step mom almost 3 years ago. The girls were 15 and 13 at the time. During the course of dating my husband and then marrying him I was very aware of his daughters and the time they spent together. I tried to make sure that I did not force myself on them, but rather was available if needed. I was very respectful of the time that he had with the girls. There were times that I made sure that it was just them so they could get that “daddy” time and attention. Sometimes it was hard, but I can not imagine how much harder it had to have been for them. Most importantly, I took cues from my husband about discipline and expectations of the girls. We now have a great relationship and even though the oldest daughter is living on her own we still have dinners and see her.

4) I understand you don’t like all the negative stepmom and bio mom stereotypes out there. What’s one that makes you crazy?

I think the worst stereotype out there is that bio mom and step mom can’t get along. This is not true. I have a great relationship with step mom and her and I get many crazy looks. It was not always great but I am certainly glad that we have worked together to make it this way. She is a great person and a wonderful step mom to my kids. I could not have been luckier.

5) Why do you blog?

I am new to blogging but have found that it is a great way for me to express my feelings and to update family and friends with life’s crazy episodes!

Visit Lori here.

Introducing Ms. November!

Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is a stepdaughter, stepmother, stepsibling, and soon-to-be bio mom. She’s the author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom: Expert Advice From Other Stepmoms on How to Juggle Your Job, Your Marriage, and Your New Stepkids. Sign up for her monthly newsletter at becomingastepmom.com. She lives in Minneapolis.

1) You married in your early thirties and like many of us, you were not looking for an instant family and then suddenly you had one. Talk a bit about your stepkids’ initial reaction to you and you to them.

When I first met my stepkids, they were delightful. They were young: 3, 5, 8, and were really happy little kids. They welcomed me with open hearts and we had a lot of fun together. I was the hesitant, nervous one. To even contemplate someday becoming a part of their lives was such an identity shift for me that it took a long time to feel comfortable around them. I am continually amazed at how accepting they are of having me in their lives. Now that we’re embarking on the teen years I hope the foundation of trust we’ve built will sustain us.

2) You grew up in a stepfamily. How has that influenced your being a stepmom?

Since I was one of the hostile stepkids you read horror stories about, I assumed my stepkids would hate me. I figured they would resent my presence in their lives and would take out their anger on me since stepparents always make such easy targets for kids. When I saw they just wanted me to pay attention to them it was a humbling moment.

On the up side I have experiences that can guide our family through some of the rougher spots (how to react when a kid pits one house against the other, for instance). The down side is that I sometimes overreact to things that happen in our house because I assume it’s the same as what happened when I was a kid. For instance, my stepson was acting surly one evening and I assumed it was because he was feeling upset about the divorce and remarriages of his parents. I found out he had sunburned his shoulders and hadn’t slept the night before so he was cranky.

3) Talk about your unique approach to step-parenting as a career woman. Give an example of one exercise that helped you.

I really needed to feel a sense of confidence at home since I was so out of my element and so I looked to the part of my life where I felt the most empowered—my career. I wondered if there were skills I had learned on the job that I could take home to my family that would help us bond. Since interviewing people was one of the things I learned as a journalist, I interviewed my stepkids to get to know them better. While we talked, I also slipped in things about me so the burden of getting to know me didn’t fall on their shoulders but they still learned things about my life. It worked! They each felt important because I showed such an interest in their lives and I felt more and more comfortable with them.

After I talked to so many single gals turned stepmoms across the country, I found out we all had something in common and I knew we had expertise we’d learned on the job that we could use to make our home lives better. That’s when my book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom was born. Ultimately, it’s not just a book for women who consider themselves career girls. It’s a guide for any stepmom who wants to feel more empowered at home.

4) You’ve interviewed a lot of women. What is one of the most common challenges for stepmothers and what’s your advice for overcoming it?

What was most remarkable to me was how many times I heard the same stories over and over again. Though each of us and our family situation is so unique, there are universal challenges that most of face at one time or another in the course of stepfamily life. The ex is one that came up time and again. She can wreak havoc in the lives of a new stepmom and everyone in her household.

My advice for dealing with the ex is pretty simple.

1. Let Dad take center stage. It was his relationship. He should take the primary responsibility for dealing with his ex.
2. Put yourself in her shoes. When I am feeling mad about something the ex has said or done, I try to imagine what it must be like in her shoes. I am sure that if I had to send my own children off to be raised part-time by someone else I had no control in choosing, I would be a little high maintenance, too.
3. Realize she’s not in your marriage. You and your husband need to protect your relationship by maintaining a strong connection. If you’re dealing with a high-conflict ex, remind each other that the stress is not about your relationship to each other.
4. Laugh. Sometimes all you can do is laugh and it can make you feel fantastic. Even if yours is a dark comedy, laughter can help dissipate tension.

5) What is your relationship like with the Ex?

My relationship with my husband’s ex is polite. We keep conversations focused on what’s happening with the children. Though we have very different lifestyles, we are cognizant that everyone is trying to do the best for the kids. We’re not best friends. It’s uncomfortable sometimes. It’s challenging sometimes. But ultimately she’s happy that her ex found love. And she knows that I respect the fact that my stepkids are her kids and if I disagree with something, I have to take the back seat.

6) What do you tell other stepmoms about negotiating money in the blended household?

Couples need to learn how to partner on money issues just as they do on other aspects of running a household. Some couples use the one pot method where everything goes in and come out of the same account. The expenses are divvied up according to need. More and more I’m seeing couples who use the three pot method, which is when there is a household account from which all the house bills are paid and then each individual has an account that they use to pay their own expenses. Whoever has children pays for them out of his or her own account.

It’s also important to address the emotional aspect of money. For instance, a stepmom with no kids of her own may resent the amount of money going out to the other house, but it’s something she has to learn how to accept because her husband comes with obligations he committed to before they met. Stepmoms need to explore what they will contribute to the household funds. Some women wait until they’ve been in the family for a while before they start contributing directly to their stepchildren’s lives (buying them clothes or paying for lessons, for instance.) Others simply pay for the food, toiletries, lights, and heat to make sure the kids have a comfortable place to live with they’re with their dad. My advice about money is the same as it is about sex: have open, honest discussions about it that make you both feel safe.

7) How do you take care of yourself?

I realized early on that in order to be a good stepmom it was crucial that I take good care of myself. I have a whole structure of support that I’ve set up around myself to hold me up when I’m swamped by feeling trapped, jealous, hurt or hostile. Here are just a few things on my list of must-dos:

• Walk my dog
• Get massages
• Vent to my best friends
• Exercise
• Take a vacation every summer all by myself
• Spend time alone with my husband
• Read an amazing book

8) How do you take care of your marriage?

What a good question! And I think one of the most important. My marriage is my first priority. I take care of it by spending time focused on its health and well-being. First, we have fun together often. My husband and I love to do a lot of things in common so we make sure we spend time together having wonderful meals, sneaking off to movies in the middle of the day, walking for miles around our city, traveling to other parts of the country, snuggling up for half the day when we don’t have the kids. The second most important thing we do is communicate. We decided early on to approach our marriage as a partnership and so we have become really good at communicating, negotiating, and joking (yes, joking…it helps relieve tension!) while we figure out how we’re going to deal with tough issues.

Introducing Ms. October!

Samara Tilkens Postuma lives in Suburban Minnesota and writes at Simplicity in the Suburbs. As a sister blogger and stepmother of two, I was thrilled to ask her about her unique experiences being a stepmom. If you have not stumbled upon her site yet, I encourage you to check her out.

Q1) How did you become a stepmom? Talk a bit about your step-kids (age, sex, relationship to you).

I met Jeff when I was 20 years old. He was a divorced single dad of two. He was 29 at the time. I was a college student/nanny and thought this was so not going to work out. We got married about 18 months after we started dating. My step kids are 6 (Madison) and 8 (Tyler) and I met them when they were 20 months and almost four, respectively. Just thinking about that is crazy since my son Henry is almost 18 months. It’s weird to think I have known Madison since she was just a little older than him. WOW!

Q2) How did you feel about becoming an instant mom? Did you grow up in a step-family and if not, what was your perception of the “blended” family?

I did not grow up in a blended family and my perception of divorce and stepfamilies was not a good one. I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian family and we did not talk about divorce. I knew maybe three kids from school who were in stepfamilies, but I don’t ever remember hearing about stepmoms, only the stepdads.

Becoming an “instant mom” should have probably been scarier than it was for me. When Jeff and I were dating and later engaged, I was working as a nanny and had been for awhile, so I kind of figured I had the whole parenting thing down. Was I ever wrong or what?!? But I knew that as long as I wanted to be with Jeff, Tyler and Madison were a part of the picture and I would never ever change that. I love having them in my life and being able to share life with them.

Q3) You have had your own child. How is that relationship different (if it is) to that with your step-kids?

Having children together was always part of our plan, and still is. Adding Henry to the mix was a different kind of challenge, but one we certainly wouldn’t trade. Tyler and Maddy love him and he loves them so much.

Q4) What is/has been the biggest challenge for you as a stepmom? Best things?

The biggest challenge is that this is a role that you get no training, experience and feedback for. Yes, there are hundreds and thousands of books, articles and essays written on it, but there is really nothing that will teach you what life will be like. When Jeff and I got engaged I searched high and low for resources because the last thing I wanted to do was be the “evil stepmother” that movies and TV so often depict. I seriously came up mostly empty because many of the things I’ve seen and read are outdated or just don’t even begin to fit our family. That’s why I often say, someday I’ll write my book.

Another huge challenge is the stereotypes and judgments associated with being a stepmom, especially a young stepmom. I received a lot (more than I’d even like to remember) of criticism when I started dating Jeff. His age didn’t bother people, but the fact that he was divorced with kids certainly did. People make all sorts of assumptions about our family and the roles we all play, but we’re all realizing it doesn’t really matter. The hurdle to get over is really just not caring what anyone else thinks or says.

The best part about being a stepmom is having two children love on me for no other reason than that I am their stepmom. They bring so much joy! The good moments and memories far outweigh anything else. Even just hearing them both get excited about me getting to be “Stepmom of the Month.”

Q5) Explain the living arrangement- back and forth with bio mom- does this work out well?

Our typical arrangement is that the kids are with Jeff and I from Saturday until Wednesday and with their mom from Wednesday to Saturday. However, I use the word “typical” loosely because it seems we are always making changes and working different things out. That is a bonus to getting along and being able to work together. It’s a 50/50 split and even though some weeks might be different, we try to make sure it all comes out in the end. We live in the same school district less than 3 miles apart so this schedule works out nicely for us right now because we get to share the week and the weekend for the most part.

Q6) What is your relationship like with the Ex?

How much time do you have?!? The kids’ mom and I have a great relationship. We talk just about daily (or sometimes multiple times daily) about the kids, life, work…we are able to laugh with each other about the silliness of our lives. We haven’t always been that way. There was more than one awkward day and moment with each other. But I think that we both know that we are pretty much going to be in each others lives for awhile, so we might as well enjoy it. We share a mutual respect and I have always been straightforward in saying that I am NOT the kids mom, she is.

I give her a lot of credit because I’ve said many times over that I don’t know that I would be able to be as kind and full of grace as she has been with me.

Q7) How do you make time for your relationship with your husband?

This was much easier before we had Henry because when we didn’t have Tyler and Madison home we could have date nights or make plans those days. Now that we have Henry we have to be more deliberate about getting out together and get a sitter and actually plan what we are going to do. It’s important that we have time to be with each other every day without the craziness of life, and sometimes we do fall victim to that. We try to prioritize and plan nights out with just the two of us as much as we can.

Q8) Best piece of advice for new stepmoms?

This is a hard one for me. I feel like every family and every situation is so different, so it’s hard to say what would work or not work. Some key things I think that have helped our family are: communicating, being respectful of every parent involved, saying you’re sorry when you screw up, and realizing that the kids are what’s important.

Did any of Samara’s comments hit home? Start a new thread in the Whole Milk forum

Introducing Ms. September!

Suzy lives in Santa Rosa, CA. She is in her mid-thirties and in fact, we went to high school together! She got married in her mid-twenties to a divorced man with two daughters. I asked her to talk about becoming an instant mom.

Q1: What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Talk a bit about your step-kids (age, sex, relationship to you).

I met my husband, Jack in March of 1995. After a few dates he disclosed having been married and having two children. At the time, Cindy was 11 and Carrie was 9 yrs. I did not meet the girls until a year into my relationship. Our relationship built slowly over time with a rapid increase when I became pregnant with my first child in 1998.

Q2: What is the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for Smoms?

Their birth mother. I am fortunate that the girls have an excellent mother. At the same time, I compete with the fact that their mom is a wonderful person and an excellent mother. Does that make sense?? It is and has been a lot to live up to. Universal issue? We are the second partner and never can be the first!!

Q3: What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

Being a stepmom is a gift and one I have not taken lightly. I feel honored to have played my role during their younger years. The last 13 years have been years of change and growth. Of course, the girls have affected and influenced this process and in my opinion, only for the better. My younger years were a bit too ME focused. They taught me to share and give. Today they do not need me as much and that’s okay. Now, I watch them with their half siblings and feel an amazing warmth. They are a gift that my biological children will have for life.

Q4: What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Remember you are on the bleachers!! The game being played is between the birth parents and the children.

Q5: How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I needed and took breaks. My frustrations were vented to my girlfriends.

Q6: How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

I was never in the main mother role which has been easier. I do remember getting so mad at Jack when I felt he was being unfair with his girls. I am and always have been a strong advocate for the girls. The challenge for me was accepting my husband’s feelings for his x-wife. He will always love her and have a special bond with her. How could he not? He has two beautiful children and over a decade of memories with her.

A couple more things I want to add on the subject of money and age…

Not that I am proud of this feeling but…I did and do have some feelings around the financial piece of stepchildren. It has been an interesting process having my stepchildren live with more financial security then myself and my bio children. One of the girls attends a private college that is a huge financial expense! My opinion around attending a less expensive school was dismissed.

Age: Everything has gotten easier since the girls have turned 18 years of age.

Did any of Susan’s comments strike a chord? Start a new thread in the Whole Milk forum.

Introducing Ms. August!

Jeanne lives North of San Francisco in the West County.

Jeanne is a veteran stepmom. She’s no longer raising the stepkids, who are now adults and living outside of the house. They were 12 and 14 when Jeanne came into their lives. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us still doing service.

What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

My quick answer, reduced to its lowest terms, is that it’s easier said than done. Keep in mind that these kids did not ask for this blended family.

On the very bottom line, (even if they aren’t aware or can admit it), I think just about every kid of divorced parents really hopes Mom and Dad will somehow find their way back together. Even if the home was not happy. I think the instinct is for them to want to reassemble the pack. Another guiding fact is that they believe on some self-referential, guilty level that if only they had (or had not) done something a little more or a little less or different, their folks might still be together now.

A big conflict for them is that as they grow closer to you, the stepmom, the more at odds they are with that very basic goal of somehow doing just the right thing to reunite the parents. They can really like you, even love you, but the more solid your position in the blended family becomes as a result of their acceptance of you, the greater their sense of failure. It’s almost a question of their not being true to the other parent. And of course, since you’re the adult and they’re the children, you’re not taking any of it personally, right?

What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Sometimes the best you can hope for is to be kind to them as consistently as possible, even when they’ve just hurt your feelings on purpose–again. It takes a lot of deposits into the “trust” fund on your behalf. And don’t expect to be thanked. I think the kids need to know when they say or do unkind things that hurt your feelings. Just try not to respond in kind. You’re all doing the best you can in a real bitch of a situation.

Was there a point when things changed and got easier?

It gets a little easier as they begin to get crushes and fall in love. Mine didn’t want to see too much affection displayed between me and their dad.

Remember how, as a younger kid, you didn’t want to see people kissing in a movie? Not only do these kids not want to see “mush”, your mush with their dad costs them dearly, so I say cool it, especially when love is new and compelling and to cool it is soooooooo difficult, but cool it anyway . When my stepkids finally found someone to snuggle with and their senses of self extended beyond the household my whole relationship with them slowly began to ease. They are grown and parents now and, even as my marriage to their dad ended a couple of years ago, we remain in each others lives.

Did any of Jeanne’s comments strike a chord? Start a new thread in the Whole Milk forum.

Introducing Ms. July!

Susan lives in Sonoma County, CA. Susan is a stepmom and a bio-mom. All three of her daughters are now in their thirties and raising families of their own. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

We “blended” his two daughters with my one daughter when they were 8, 10 and 11. I think it was good that our kids already knew and pretty much liked each other. We bought a house that would hold three kids even though I initially expected that his daughters would spend more time with their mother who lived in Michigan. My daughter went back and forth from our house to her dad’s which was only a few blocks away. My stepdaughters took turns living with their mother for an occasional school year and almost every summer, but much of the time we were a five-person household.

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

Going from a small family to a big one. I felt like I had no free time or free space, although fortunately my husband and I had our bedroom on the second floor and the kids were downstairs. So there was some escape from the chaos. And it was chaotic because the kids’ lives were hectic and we were two busy working parents very much involved with our careers.

In the early years I worried and felt guilty that my daughter was not getting enough of me. One of my husband’s daughters missed her mother and I felt bad that I couldn’t make up for that. My other stepdaughter and I didn’t get along in the early years and had screaming fights. It was a tough beginning and times when I truly worried about what I had taken on.

The universal issue. It takes a while for you to fall in love with the man. So how can you expect yourself to fall instantly in love with his kids? And he with yours. But it does happen.
Q3:
What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

We had a very full, wild and crazy house. We were not a quiet house. There was always something happening, but even the drama, in looking back, it helped me grow into a more accepting, big hearted person. I learned from the kids. We had our bloodbaths but we had a lot of laughs, too. My daughters - I don’t use the term step daughters anymore - are smart, funny, delightful, caring women. When we get together I sit back and watch our reassembled circus, and I feel very fortunate.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Make sure your health insurance covers family counseling.

Q5:
How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I had a group of women who were also stepmothers. We shared stories, went on women-only get-aways, laughed bitterly, cried happily, drank too much, smoked a little pot. One week every year I fled California and went back east to visit my sister.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

My husband and I were in sync all along with how to raise our kids. We both wanted our marriage to work and honestly discussed how to do that with a couples counselor.. the same guy who was our family counselor. We took off on weekends (rarely) leaving the kids with a friend or with my in-laws. But we never really did get to live like a couple until the daughters were all in college and we moved to Europe for two years.

Did any of Susan’s comments hit home? Open a dialogue in the Whole Milk forum.

If you know of a stepmom I should profile please write izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. June!

Lynn lives in Loomis, CA. Lynn is another “veteran” Stepmom, someone who is no longer in the trenches, no longer raising the now-grown-up kids. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us who are still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

I would like to begin by saying that I have the most wonderful stepchildren in the world! I couldn’t love them more. They have made our lives so full. They don’t make Hallmark cards that say what I would like to say about them. My husband and I don’t have any biological children but he had two boys and a girl and I had two boys. When we started dating, they were 11, 12, two 13 year-olds, and one 16 year-old.

That said, had I known how hard it was to be a girlfriend, I may not have been a step-mom! However, after meeting the challenges as a girlfriend which, by the way, were way harder for me than being a step-mom, we “hooked up” and moved in together. But let me go back to the beginning . . .

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

I can’t leave out the part about being a girlfriend because that was, to me, the hardest part of setting the stage to becoming a step-mom. The biggest challenge when we moved in together, was having 5 kids! I only wanted two and all of a sudden I had five! My boys were raised differently than his and most of the time I didn’t like them very much. They were loud, confrontational, messy, bad table manners, and they didn’t like me much either. They played their dad against me in many ways. I could see it . . . he didn’t. I still feel the hardest part of being a step-mother is being a good, loving and constant mother to your own children. They didn’t like the situation very much either and couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to give them quality time and lots of love, but it was hard for them to be thrown into that situation. What saved us? Every two weeks they got a two-week break from each other. We had my kids alone one week, all five the next week, his 3 on the third week, and a week to ourselves the last week in the month. Although this was never written in stone, it was a great schedule to work with month to month.

Q3:
What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

I can compare being a step-mom of young children to giving birth!! Once you get through the pain, you don’t even remember it. I love it now. It’s hard to remember how painful it really was. One important piece of advice, which I learned early on when we started dating, don’t be jealous of the kids or the ex-wife. One of the things that attracted me to my husband in the first place was his attention and love for his kids. The kids will always try to use daddy. But, does it really matter? It didn’t to me. My mom gave me great advice when I was at the end of my rope one time. She reminded me that the kids are going to grow up and have relationships of their own and move out. She said, if you love him, stick with it. I did and you know what? I now have 3 married step-kids with wonderful spouses and grandchildren that I adore. This is what life is about. Sometimes the ex-wife issue can be hard but she is the mother of his kids. There were so many issues, as you all know, but this worked for me.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

1) Don’t “get on” his kids all the time for things that aren’t life-changing. Their bedrooms are messy and smelly? Shut the door. They have to sleep there, not you. I found it easier to mention things to their father and let him handle it. But, not so many that it causes friction between the two of you. It’s a fine line, but it can work.

2) Don’t be jealous of anything. Let it go! You will be better for it and you will feel better about it. They came first. You are second. I’m sure that is what made our lives easier in the long run. His kids may not have liked me, but they had to respect me and their father made sure they understood what that meant in our day-to-day lives.

3) Try to find something “special” about each child and use it to show a special interest in that child. Even for a moment, they may like you!

4) Most importantly, don’t “mother” the children. They have a mother. Remember that most of all. Even the nicest, kindest, cutest kids may still want their mom and dad together again instead of you.

Q5:
How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I took care of myself by devoting my time to my two boys and their activities, my husband, the rest of my family, and my job. Although I never felt I could do enough for my boys under the circumstances, I did my best. Like my oldest son just told me recently (he’s now 35), “If we could have only fast-forwarded our lives to see how happy you are and how much fun our family has . . . that would have been so much easier.” How great that made me feel. I felt it went full circle. It’s great when they grow up! And they all do.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

I never felt like I was “raising” my husband’s kids. I felt our relationship was great, but it was never easy. The kid’s teen years were very hard because there were parties at the house, vacations, car issues, etc. I know things are different if you are raising small children or children with personality problems, ADD, etc., however, my husband basically let me raise mine and he raised his and we came together on the “rules of the house.”

Q6:
Any books or resources that helped for you to recommend?

When I divorced in 1985 and set up my new apartment a few blocks away from my ex’s house . . . I read a book called, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House”. It was very helpful with my two boys. Other than that, one week with a therapist (four years later) helped me with his kids.

This advice worked for me because now I couldn’t have a better life if it had been scripted. All five of our kids are married and we have eight grandchildren and one on the way. I took my own advice and because I have a wonderful man and wanted to hang on to him, we’ll celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary this year! You have to work to succeed at anything.

This is a great website. Something I wish I had resource to when I was going through that time of my life. Thanks Lynn.

Did any of Lynn’s comments strike a chord? Open a dialogue in the Whole Milk forum.

If you know of a stepmom I should profile please write izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. May!

Gretchen lives in Port Townsend, WA.

Gretchen is what I call a “veteran” Stepmom, someone who is no longer in the trenches, no longer raising the now-grown-up kids. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us who are still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

After my husband and I were married less than a year, his three sons 6, 8 and 10 years old, asked to live with us after spending the summer with us. We told them we would love to have them live with us, but their mother had physical custody and they would have to ask her. They asked and she (of course) was really mad, but said they could and she knew they would be wanting to go back to her soon. They never did. After a court hearing and lots of money spent on lawyers, we were given custody. They had been coming for long visits since they were 3, 5 and 7 years old, so we all knew each other very well.

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms? Is there a universal
issue?

Feeling second to the boys. Even though they wanted to live with us their mother was their mother. I always loved it when they said,”Even if you aren’t our real mom, you are the best.” Every S-mom has a unique situation and I don’t think there is one specific issue.

Q3:
What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

We have all shared a lot of great experiences together and even though there were many hard times, looking back it was worth it. I love them all very much.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Take things really slowly and easy. It takes years for these relationships to build.

Q5:
How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

Exercise, exercise, exercise. Talk to friends that are in the same S-mom position. It helps to hear how they deal.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

We were very supportive and kept talking, talking, talking to one another. Take time to spend alone with your husband. If you can get through this together, you can deal with anything that comes your way.

Did any of Gretchen’s comments strike a chord? Open a dialogue in the Stepmother’s Milk forum.