stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. May!

Jess from Palo Alto, CA is in her thirties and has been married for four years to a man with three kids, all in the double digits. She is expecting a child in November.

Recently from the Bay Area myself, I was interested in how many of Jess’ friends and colleagues are becoming stepmoms, too. What I have discovered is that many of us who were living the single life in the big city and pursuing our careers more than marriage confronted a similar scenario when we finally met the man we wanted to marry- He already had kids! I asked her to comment on this.

Do you meet many stepmoms in the Bay Area and how do they feel about becoming instant mothers?

That�s a good question. The divorce rate is pretty low in this part of the world and a lot of my friends whose parents had troubled marriages won�t even consider becoming stepmoms. The stepmoms I do know are often strictly about the man [more than the kids]. I think that�s true in general though.

It�s helpful to have a group of women who understand the joys and frustrations of being a step-parent.

I understand you have formed a stepmom group on and offline. How have you done this and what has been your success?

We�ve had success with our little group stepparent meetup. Of course, we�d be happy to have more! We meet one Sunday a month in Menlo Park, CA. It�s helpful to have a group of women who understand the joys and frustrations of being a step-parent. There are many joys, but there are frustrations. There�s only so much empathy when a person hasn�t had your experience.

Talk more about your group. What do you talk about most? What do you do together?

So far, we meet for coffee once a month. Usually there are a couple of questions that we like to ask the group. The most important thing is that we are not judgmental, because we�ve been there before!

What has been your hardest struggle becoming a stepmom? What has been the coolest thing?

The hardest part is the number of compromises I had [to make] from the beginning. The coolest thing is creating our own rituals. We go crazy at Halloween, and the anti-tooth fairy visits on Thursday nights with candy after bed. It�s wonderful creating a family.

What�s your favorite piece of advice, or the mantra that has worked best for you?

I�m not their parent, but we are a family.

If you or someone you know wants to be the Featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, email Izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Introducing Ms. April!

Emily Bouchard is the author of Straight Answers to Tough Stepfamily Questions, Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict and my favorite, The Holiday Survival Guide for Blended Families. She’s also a blended family coach with a Bachelor’s Degree in child development with an emphasis in adolescence. That said, she’s gained most of her wisdom from being a stepmom herself and spending years in the trenches. With all that experience, I was excited to ask her a few questions.

1. Give us a little background. How long have you been a stepmom? How did your experiences stepparenting teens influence your work today?

I became a stepdaughter when I was 15 and my dad remarried after my mother died (when I was 14). As a 42 year old woman, I’ve had a stepmother longer than I was with my biological mother and have learned a lot from my stepmom now that I’m an adult!

I became a stepmother at age 30 to two young women who were 15 and 17 at the time I became involved with their dad. Their mother had left the marriage to pursue a relationship with another man 9 months prior to my coming on the scene. The girls lived full time with their dad and were none too happy to have me take all his attention from them (that was definitely their experience).

And, I became a stepgrandmother at 34, and helped to raise my stepgranddaughter from the time she was 6 months until she was 3 years old. We provided a stable environment and a nurturing home for her and her mom, who was finishing high school and then went to Junior College.

I learned early on in the trenches� what works and what does not with my teenagers.

I launched my coaching practice while living with my younger stepdaughter and my granddaughter. I began writing about our experiences day to day and found that many of my articles were about what I learned from the girls as teenagers, and how they made a powerful impact on me as a stepmom and as a stepdaughter. I also saw how all the training I had in graduate school (Social Work) to become a marital and family therapist did not come close to preparing me for what it takes to successfully stepparent and have a family that thrives. I learned early in the trenches� what works and what does not with my teenagers and all I have to share comes directly from those experiences, as well as those of the hundreds of stepparents (and teens) I’ve coached over the last five years.

2. Explain the concept, open heart surgery.

When I was first starting out with my coaching practice, I found that I repeatedly had the results with my clients of them opening up their hearts to their stepchildren and to themselves in ways that were truly inspiring and life-changing. In the course of a 30 minute phone coaching session, a disgruntled, unhappy resentful stepmom would shift to tearing up with gratitude, love, and compassion in ways that changed everything for her going forward. I coined the phrase I perform open heart surgery over the phone as a way to describe to people what happens when someone chooses to work with me.

3. Can you talk about some of the most common struggles that stepfamilies have? And give us a word or two of encouragement in those areas.

In the work I’ve done serving over 5000 subscribers, there are some key distinctions I’ve learned that anyone in a blended or stepfamily situation needs to be aware of. One of these is:

A hero steps up and steps into a thankless role because they know that this is about something much bigger than who they are.

Many women dream of living happily-ever-after when they are young and envisioning their future and as a result, anyone in a stepfamily situation has an underlying sense that they’ve failed in some way. This erroneous belief can be changed abruptly around with the analogy of StepHeroes! A hero is someone who goes where most fear to tread. A hero steps up and steps into a thankless role because they know that this is about something much bigger than who they are. A hero is someone who does what they know is right in their heart to do, in the moment, without concern for how others may think about or view their choices. Anyone who chooses to enter into a stepparenting situation is truly a hero and should be honored as such and most of all by themselves, internally.

Heroes in step and blended families have to deal with emotional landmines in their homes. Landmines of guilt, loss, shame, abandonment, resentment, hurt, and heartbreak. Knowing how to navigate and defuse these can make all the difference in your level of peace and satisfaction in your family life.

StepHeroes also have to contend with issues related to custody, transitioning from household to household, parenting differences, frustrating former spouses, and the ever-present, evil-stepmother stereotype to overcome.

4. In the early years, what was one of your hardest struggles being a step? What helped you?

It may sound odd, but the hardest thing for me to learn was the liberating notion that it’s okay to have the teenagers in your life hate you, not like you, disapprove of you, distrust you, and be disgusted by you. Learning to let go of needing their love, acceptance, or approval was the most important lesson for me. Of all the things I emphasize in my coaching with stepparents is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

One of the best resources out there for learning this is The Work of Byron Katie. I found this work about 6 months after become a stepmom and it truly saved my marriage and strengthened my relationship with my girls. It is the one tool I return to again and again. Katie’s work, combined with loving, compassionate communication really helps take lousy situations and makes them gifts and chances for greater intimacy and connection.

The hardest thing for me to learn was the liberating notion that it’s okay to have teenagers in your life hate you.

My ebook, Conquering Conflict, gives step by step guidance on how to access your compassion and open your heart in the most heated situations, and most of all, how to not take what’s happening personally.

5. Many of my readers talk about feelings of isolation— sacrificing for their new family, and not being taken care of in return. How can we take care of ourselves and care for our new family at the same time?

This is so important and something I work with stepmoms every day about how to have clear, healthy boundaries with your family; how to make direct requests and also have clear expectations about how everyone in the family is there to contribute and to be of service to the family; and how to cultivate a winning team and attitude within the family system, so it’s not all about you winning their approval. Stop working so hard and start looking for ways to unite and unify the whole family towards working together towards a common goal. I often encourage the creation of a family mission statement based on shared values. I also recommend creating a collage together as a family where you deliberately envision how you want your life to be.

6. Let’s talk about teenagers. I am a step to a 15 year old. My biggest challenge is getting the kid to open up. I know a lot of women struggle with being an authority to step-teens. Can you give us three pieces of advice regarding stepparenting teens?

There’s so much to say in this area. Here’s three things to consider:

1. They didn’t choose you or ask you to be in their life. Meet them where they are and let go of needing them to approve of your presence (when they don’t). If you want them to respect you, choose to treat them with respect for who they are, what they are feeling, and what they are going through.

2. It is the job of a teenager to feel misunderstood, different, isolated, confused studies have shown that the chemical imbalance in a teens brain is similar to that of a psychotic episode which certainly explains how moody they can be, how unpredictable they can be towards the adults in their lives, and how erratic their behaviors and emotions can seem.

3. Teens do great with clear structure and consequences and lots of gratitude, kindness, and empathy. They want to know that you care, even if they work hard to show you that they don’t. Get with your partner and determine what structures you want to have in place. Then connect with all the kids in the household and share your thoughts and discover theirs as well. For example, my husband and I got clear that we didn’t want the girls on the roads after midnight and not so much about them, as about the higher incidents of driving deaths after midnight, so they had a curfew that was about not driving or being on the road after midnight. If they came home later, they knew that their car privilege would be lost and that they’d have to earn it back. We involved them in determining how they would rebuild our trust in them and they would have to take the initiative to fulfill their commitments in order to get the use of the car again.

Teens do great with clear structure and consequences and lots of gratitude, kindness, and empathy.

I found that being consistently, deliberately, and genuinely grateful for even the smallest things with my two girls made the biggest difference in the long run. I had to deal with violent outbursts all the way to looks that could kill – and, believe me, the girls had to deal with my outbursts as well. It was my constant, relentless willingness to connect, talk through things, and explore their relationship to what was happening that paid off in the end. Being optimistic and curious and seeking to understand drew them out over time. They have to learn to trust that you’re for real and that you’re in it for the long haul.

Think about it from their perspective: the two adults they love and trust more than anyone split up and that wasn’t supposed to happen. Then, dad chooses you, and they’re supposed to openly, willingly, blindly trust that he’s a better judge now than he was before, that you’re a better choice than their mom for him, and that you two are going to be together forever are not likely! The statistics are not in your favor, and your teens know that to put their trust in you may not be in their best interest.

7. Can you talk about the importance of play for the family? What’s something that worked in your own family?

Doing things together that the kids enjoy. We loved watching videos and going to movies together; making popcorn together; gardening; going for walks; playing Monopoly; I don’t know if you can print this, but my oldest stepdaughter took me skinny dipping in a local pond for my first time! That was a great bonding experience. I felt more accepted by the girls when they chose to take me to their favorite swimming hole at the local river. We also tried family trips together and we had a kayaking trip that was a real disaster for all of us and, at the same time, the upsets, the fights, the conflict all served to foster the intimacy we feel all these years later. It was our ongoing commitment to inclusion, to being together, to trying things out together, and sticking with each other through all that would show up in the space that provided the glue that’s kept us so close.

8. You seem to have an amazing bond with your husband and a great marriage. How can we stay connected to our husbands through these crazy times?

Early on we discovered two very important elements to our success:

a. We went away for the weekend about once a month or every six weeks to reconnect and recharge.
b. We started a couples group with two other couples in stepfamily situations and we met once a month for four years! We are all still very close and those friendships and that ongoing support made such a powerful difference for us.

9. The blended family is quickly outnumbering the traditional nuclear model. Instead of focusing on the negative, what are some positives about being part of a blended family? I grew up in a step-household and have written about all the wonderful people and experiences I had that I wouldn’t necessarily had if my parents hadn’t divorced. I’m thankful for my stepfamily. What about you?

I am sincerely grateful for my stepmother’s courage, generosity, and selflessness after seeing what she put up with has made me a better stepmom with my girls. And without her I wouldn’t have had a mother for most of my life.

Putting in the effort has given me the gift of two young women who trust and love me for me. My oldest asked me to coach her when she planned her wedding. While she had a difficult time emotionally at the time of my wedding, she noticed how peaceful I was and how much I enjoyed my wedding. She wanted that and asked for my guidance to help make that happen and what greater gift could a stepmom ask for?!

10. Do you have any special words you live by? When I first became a stepmom, my mantra was suppress, obsess and deny( I know, not very healthy:) Now, it’s reach, stretch and breathe.

It’s not about me. It’s for me.Receive the gifts that are in front of you and learn and heal and grow as you grow with your family.

All the best,

Emily Bouchard
“Bringing peace to the planet one family at a time.”
Founder, www.blended-families.com
& The Got Heart Project

If you or someone you know wants to be the Featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, email Izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Meet Ms. March!

Stephanie from Palo Alto, CA is a dear friend, a fellow TV producer, a stepmom and a new bio-mom. She and I got married just one week apart to men who already had kids– mine came with boys, hers came with two girls. She has just recently added her own baby to the mix. Here is her story…

1) Talk a little about your relationship with the girls early on.

From the moment I met the girls nearly four years ago, we’ve always gotten along. They were just 4 and 6 years old - cute, smart and precocious. Within eight months, we had taken trips together to Disneyland, Lake Tahoe and to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving.

My husband “snuggles” with the girls every night in their beds before they go to sleep and since I’ve been around, I have joined in that ritual.

2) How have things changed since you had a baby?

Things have changed and it’s strictly a function of time. As almost everyone knows, babies take up a lot of time. Early on, between breastfeeding, consoling and trying to get some sleep myself, I had less time for everyone. Now I’m back to work full time at a very demanding job and there just aren’t enough hours in the day. Plus, my mother is ill. Most of my relationships (family, friends) have felt the effect. It’s heartbreaking when you stop to think about it, but I just do the best that I can.

The greatest joy has been to watch the girls grow up.

3. Talk a bit about your decision to get pregnant. Many women have been talking recently on the site about the struggle they had with adding a baby to the mix. What was it like for you…the good stuff / the not so good stuff.

Besides having a miscarriage, which was devastating at the time, the idea of adding a baby was never a problem. Happily, I easily became pregnant again and had a pretty smooth pregnancy - no morning sickness at all. I do remember suffering through a couple of bad colds, a chicken pox scare and some painful tendinitis after gaining forty pounds, but those memories quickly fade away.

My husband and I have struggled through some disagreements on taking care of our son and I’m sure there are more to come, but mostly Jacob’s been a blessing. After spending his first week of life in the NICU and Special Care Nursery, he’s a happy and very healthy boy.

My stepdaughters love him and love to help take care of him.

4. What is your role in the house as stepmom?

My husband is extremely hands-on, so I get to do as much or as little as I want with regard to the girls. I love to cook for the family, so I cook dinner most of the time. He makes their breakfasts and packs their lunches. He also checks their homework, makes their playdates and entertains them on the weekends. I’m really lucky in that I can focus on the baby and have a little free time to myself when I’m not working.

5. What has been the hardest and what has been the greatest joy becoming a stepmom?

The greatest joy has been to watch the girls grow up. It’s amazing and a little bittersweet to see how much they’ve changed. I love going to events at their school and have even driven on a field trip or two.

The hardest part - the downside of having a little more time and freedom from my stepmom role- is not having as much say or influence as I’d like to sometimes. They have a great mom, who is very hands-on herself, so I have a limited role in making important decisions in their lives.

6. Many women our age are marrying men who already have kids– not necessarily the fantasy, but now often, the common reality. Was this ever an issue for you?

When I was younger, I never really considered marrying a man with kids. I didn’t grow up in blended family and didn’t know too many people who did. But I found the positives completely outweighed any negatives. Finding a man who would be a great father was one of my top priorities and I could see for my own eyes what a fabulous “father” I’d found.

If you or someone you know would like to be the Stepmom in the Spotlight, send me an email: izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Meet Ms. February! Michelle lives in San Diego with her husband on a big chunk of land they share with their beloved horses. She is now in her sixties; she has two adult stepchildren and four step-grandkids. She shares her early struggles as a stepmom and speaks honestly about what got her through.

“Where do I start? This story is so long and tangled, but I will try to streamline it so that it makes some kind of sense. First, let me get one thing out of the way. While in college, I had a child, a boy, who I gave up for adoption. I never had another child after that. Having said that, I’m sure you can already see the twists and turns I encountered during my years as a stepmother.”

1) When did your step kids come into your life and what was the relationship?

Jack and Diane came into my life when I was 33. Jack was turning 13; Julie was 10. Jack had just moved in with his father, and shortly after that, we were married and became a ready-made family on the surface. Jack’s relationship with his mother was not good and his dad’s relationship with her was even worse. Jack hung on my every move and every word, which was flattering. But, I committed the number one no-no a stepmother should never commit. I viewed Jack as my second chance at being a mother and forgot that was not my place. Instead of being a friend, I mothered him. In doing that, I know I confused Jack and made his relationship with his mother turn worse. I wish I could un-do that.

Diane lived with her mother and was very close to her. When she came to stay with us, she was quiet and withdrawn. She was an observer, not a participator. I believe Diane was caught in the middle of a horrible situation. She saw a warm family environment when she came to our home, and an angry, surly environment when she returned home. Diane held a lot of resentment inside her for many years. Neither of the children went to any counseling. Another big mistake.

“Remember that time is a healer. Everyone grows up.”

Thirty-one years later: Jack and Diane’s mother died of breast cancer at the age of 52 in 1995. Jack is now married with two girls and lives in the Northwest. Diane is also married with two girls and lives in the Sacramento area. Miraculously, they have both turned the negatives of their younger years into positives. Both of them are warm, responsive, loving spouses. Both are excellent parents. My relationship with both of them is healthy. I actually believe my relationship with Diane is more honest than with Jack. Both of them have a deep love for their father, a healthy love and respect for me, and I know they would be there for either of us should the need arise. How on earth that happened with all the years of chaos and turmoil, I will never know. It is amazing the resilience that children have.

2) What part of the stepmom role was hardest for you?

I think it is difficult to have a step child live in your home; You have to always hold them at arm’s length, remembering that you are not the mom. You’re the one that holds their head when they throw up; you’re the one that helps them with their homework; who picks them up at school; cooks their favorite food. And on and on. You develop a love for these children, yet you have to keep saying over and over to yourself, I AM NOT THE MOM. That was very difficult for me.

3) How did you take care of yourself through the trying times?

Long, hot baths. Lots of long hot baths - with a glass of wine and the door locked! There were so many time I needed to get away from EVERYONE!

4) What’s been good about being a stepmom? How has is changed you?

The good? I have two wonderful step children who communicate with me and say “I love you” when they hang up the phone. I have 4 beautiful granddaughters who call me Grandma (and that’s just fine with their parents). If those three words from my step children and those four little girls hugging you and kissing you, don’t change you and have an impact on your life, I can’t imagine what would.

5) How did you manage your relationship with your husband?

My husband worked a lot of long hours and long days. I spent more time with Jack while he was growing up than he did. That’s just the way it was and we worked it out. My husband was grateful for my involvement and help with his son and he supported me in most of my decisions. We tried to stand shoulder to shoulder with each encounter. We tried to talk things out behind closed doors before discussing them with Jack and Diane. We wanted them to view us as two people in agreement, not at odds. I think that was our toughest goal, but most of the time we managed to pull it off. There were a lot of times we cried in each other’s arms.

6) Any words of wisdom for new stepmoms?

There will be so many bad days that they will make you want to pack your bags and run away. And then good days will come along. Remember that time is a healer. Everyone grows up. Try to mend the arguments if you can so they don’t fester. Laugh a lot.
Good luck.

If you or anyone you know, would like to be the featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, drop me an email: izzy@stepmothersmilk.com. I’d love to hear your story.

Meet Ms. January!

Jill Doughtie writes regularly at the DHX, a fantastic blog that focuses primarily on the stepmom and bio-mom relationship. Jill (stepmom) and Kathy (biomom) are an inspiring example of how patience, good humor and fortitude can create a blended family where everyone’s happy (at least most of the time).

1) Talk a little about your decision to start a blog with your husband’s ex. How did this come about and what were your hopes for putting it out there?

Kathy and I were in a coffee shop together talking about money and the kids and wanting more money to pursue the kids’ goals and our goals. I think we’d both been playing with the idea of asking the other one to collaborate on a writing project about the mom-stepmom relationship. Neither one of us knew that the other one had been thinking about it, and we both thought the other wouldn’t be interested. We realized that afternoon that we were both very interested, and that we also might be able to make money together to pursue some of the goals we’d been talking about. We decided to start with a blog with the goal of ultimately writing a book together.

2) And what about this relationship with the ex? I get a sense that you and Kathy were not always so close, but now consider each other family and friends. How did this happen?

We were friendly when we first met — I think we both had warm, good first impressions of each other. We didn’t know each other well when I moved in with G, but what we knew of each other we liked. When I moved in with G, Kathy and I were both all of a sudden deeply in each other’s space and very surprised. We did the best we knew how to do, but after a while, our best turned into not talking to each other for a year. That year of not talking was one of the most tortured, unhappy years of my life.

“I needed to commit to actively working to understand her perspective, address her concerns, and communicate my own feelings and needs more clearly.”

I hit a point where I realized I’d do whatever I had to do to be happy again. Even if it meant reexamining my basic ideas about who I was and how things were supposed to be. I read stacks and stacks of books, and slowing began to understand how it would be quite possible for her to see me as the bad guy, and how, if the relationship was important to me, I needed to commit to actively working to understand her perspective, address her concerns, and communicate my own feelings and needs more clearly. If the relationship was important to me, I needed to take action. I could not waste time sulking. I realized that the relationship was very important to me, because as long as I was with G, she and I would be in each other’s lives. I came to see the choice as staying with G and reconciling with Kathy, or leaving. And I was in love with G and wanted to stay.

I emailed her at first and told her I was sorry. We started meeting to talk at restaurants. She was very receptive, open and willing to talk and to listen. It wasn’t easy at first, but it felt good. It felt right. I started to feel like myself again. We got to know each other as people. We started using the word “friend” about each other. It felt strange at first, but more and more comfortable over time. We started to grow closer and to trust each other more. Kathy had to go to the hospital suddenly for surgery early this last fall, and that’s when the “family” part really gelled. She was in the hospital for about a week, and I asked her if she wanted me to come visit her, and she said yes, and I came and stayed with her as much as I could during that week. It was pure joy. We were just quiet together a lot. We talked some. Mostly we just knew that we loved each other. And that felt really good.

3) Give a little history. When did you get married? Who are these stepkids of yours and what has your relationship with them been like?

I met G in early 2003, met Kathy and the kids in late 2003, moved in with G in early 2005, and married G in early 2007. The kids, Chris and Jack, are 15 and 12. They are warm, funny, handsome kids. I love them. G waited to introduce me to them until we were pretty serious, and I took my time getting to know them after that. We moved slowly.

4) How did you win these kids over? Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with them today.

All the books said, “Don’t try to take the place of their mom. Don’t come in and make a bunch of new rules.” I followed that advice. G and Kathy set the directions parenting-wise. Also, I try to learn about things I know the kids are interested in. For a while we were playing video games together. That was a great bonding experience. I’ll probably never have the same blood-bond close relationship they have with G and Kathy, but that’s okay. That’s natural. And it’s not a competition.

I think the number one thing I did to bond with them was open my heart to their mom, though.

5) What is hardest about being a stepmom? Feeling like an outsider? Talk about this.

Feeling like an outsider is hard. It’s probably the hardest thing about being a stepmom for me. I still feel like I’m in a country where everyone else is speaking their native tongue, and I will never be a native speaker of their language. We might eventually all find that we’ve moved and that we’re in new country and that we’re speaking a new language that is a combination of our native languages. But I don’t think we’re there yet. Kathy says she feels like an outsider, too, though. Maybe all five of us feel like outsiders to a certain extent. It would be nice if we all felt like insiders together.

6) What is something you have learned from reading other women’s blogs?

People are beautiful and messed up and no one really knows what they are doing, including me. The world is full of normal, amazing, messed up, beautiful people.

7) What are the benefits to the kids for all loving each other, like you mention in one of your recent posts?

The kids don’t have to live in the middle of a cold war. The kids don’t have to worry about taking care of us. The kids get to concentrate on being kids. They don’t have to worry as much about about divided loyalty. They don’t have to live quite such schizophrenic lives. Both sides of their DNA are validated. They get to see the grown-ups they love getting along.

If you want to hear more about Jill and Kathy’s sweet household, visit them here.

Meet Ms. December!

Lori Hansen lives in Minnesota and is a bio-mom, as well as a stepmom. She has valuable insight because she was the often labeled and misunderstood “EX” for many years before remarrying and gaining the stepmom perspective. Now, she shares a growing friendship with the stepmom of her kids and the mother of her stepkids. She blogs about her experiences at the real world.

1) Talk about your husband remarrying a woman who became the stepmom to your kids and how that made you feel. So many smom blogs bash the ex-wife. Let’s get your side of the story. Talk about the fear of being replaced.

My husband met and starting dating his current wife shortly after our divorce. With all of the emotions that are already involved in a divorce, this seemed to add to it. The questions that I usually asked myself were, “How will she treat my kids?” “Will she love them like I do?” and “Will the kids like her better then me?” I think that most of my concerns were legitimate… when someone new is introduced to your kids and will play a big part in raising them. What I figured out was that “replacement” was an insecurity that I had and needed to deal with, and this had nothing to do with her. She has been great with the kids and has shown unconditional love and support for them.

2) What advice do you have for bio mom and stepmom to get along?

My advice for how to get along with your kids’ step mom is understand and know that it is just as much of an adjustment for her as it is for you. Be respectful of each other and know that the relationship that you have with her is not the one that you have with your ex. She is the person that is taking care of your kids when you are not there. Shouldn’t you want to get along and know her? Parenting is not easy- having someone else that you can bounce ideas off of is very helpful.

3) Explain how you became a stepmom- how old were the kids- what is that relationship like now?

I became a step mom almost 3 years ago. The girls were 15 and 13 at the time. During the course of dating my husband and then marrying him I was very aware of his daughters and the time they spent together. I tried to make sure that I did not force myself on them, but rather was available if needed. I was very respectful of the time that he had with the girls. There were times that I made sure that it was just them so they could get that “daddy” time and attention. Sometimes it was hard, but I can not imagine how much harder it had to have been for them. Most importantly, I took cues from my husband about discipline and expectations of the girls. We now have a great relationship and even though the oldest daughter is living on her own we still have dinners and see her.

4) I understand you don’t like all the negative stepmom and bio mom stereotypes out there. What’s one that makes you crazy?

I think the worst stereotype out there is that bio mom and step mom can’t get along. This is not true. I have a great relationship with step mom and her and I get many crazy looks. It was not always great but I am certainly glad that we have worked together to make it this way. She is a great person and a wonderful step mom to my kids. I could not have been luckier.

5) Why do you blog?

I am new to blogging but have found that it is a great way for me to express my feelings and to update family and friends with life’s crazy episodes!

Visit Lori here.

Meet Ms. November!

Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is a stepdaughter, stepmother, stepsibling, and soon-to-be bio mom. She’s the author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom: Expert Advice From Other Stepmoms on How to Juggle Your Job, Your Marriage, and Your New Stepkids. Sign up for her monthly newsletter at becomingastepmom.com. She lives in Minneapolis.

1) You married in your early thirties and like many of us, you were not looking for an instant family and then suddenly you had one. Talk a bit about your stepkids’ initial reaction to you and you to them.

When I first met my stepkids, they were delightful. They were young: 3, 5, 8, and were really happy little kids. They welcomed me with open hearts and we had a lot of fun together. I was the hesitant, nervous one. To even contemplate someday becoming a part of their lives was such an identity shift for me that it took a long time to feel comfortable around them. I am continually amazed at how accepting they are of having me in their lives. Now that we’re embarking on the teen years I hope the foundation of trust we’ve built will sustain us.

2) You grew up in a stepfamily. How has that influenced your being a stepmom?

Since I was one of the hostile stepkids you read horror stories about, I assumed my stepkids would hate me. I figured they would resent my presence in their lives and would take out their anger on me since stepparents always make such easy targets for kids. When I saw they just wanted me to pay attention to them it was a humbling moment.

On the up side I have experiences that can guide our family through some of the rougher spots (how to react when a kid pits one house against the other, for instance). The down side is that I sometimes overreact to things that happen in our house because I assume it’s the same as what happened when I was a kid. For instance, my stepson was acting surly one evening and I assumed it was because he was feeling upset about the divorce and remarriages of his parents. I found out he had sunburned his shoulders and hadn’t slept the night before so he was cranky.

3) Talk about your unique approach to step-parenting as a career woman. Give an example of one exercise that helped you.

I really needed to feel a sense of confidence at home since I was so out of my element and so I looked to the part of my life where I felt the most empowered—my career. I wondered if there were skills I had learned on the job that I could take home to my family that would help us bond. Since interviewing people was one of the things I learned as a journalist, I interviewed my stepkids to get to know them better. While we talked, I also slipped in things about me so the burden of getting to know me didn’t fall on their shoulders but they still learned things about my life. It worked! They each felt important because I showed such an interest in their lives and I felt more and more comfortable with them.

After I talked to so many single gals turned stepmoms across the country, I found out we all had something in common and I knew we had expertise we’d learned on the job that we could use to make our home lives better. That’s when my book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom was born. Ultimately, it’s not just a book for women who consider themselves career girls. It’s a guide for any stepmom who wants to feel more empowered at home.

4) You’ve interviewed a lot of women. What is one of the most common challenges for stepmothers and what’s your advice for overcoming it?

What was most remarkable to me was how many times I heard the same stories over and over again. Though each of us and our family situation is so unique, there are universal challenges that most of face at one time or another in the course of stepfamily life. The ex is one that came up time and again. She can wreak havoc in the lives of a new stepmom and everyone in her household.

My advice for dealing with the ex is pretty simple.

1. Let Dad take center stage. It was his relationship. He should take the primary responsibility for dealing with his ex.
2. Put yourself in her shoes. When I am feeling mad about something the ex has said or done, I try to imagine what it must be like in her shoes. I am sure that if I had to send my own children off to be raised part-time by someone else I had no control in choosing, I would be a little high maintenance, too.
3. Realize she’s not in your marriage. You and your husband need to protect your relationship by maintaining a strong connection. If you’re dealing with a high-conflict ex, remind each other that the stress is not about your relationship to each other.
4. Laugh. Sometimes all you can do is laugh and it can make you feel fantastic. Even if yours is a dark comedy, laughter can help dissipate tension.

5) What is your relationship like with the Ex?

My relationship with my husband’s ex is polite. We keep conversations focused on what’s happening with the children. Though we have very different lifestyles, we are cognizant that everyone is trying to do the best for the kids. We’re not best friends. It’s uncomfortable sometimes. It’s challenging sometimes. But ultimately she’s happy that her ex found love. And she knows that I respect the fact that my stepkids are her kids and if I disagree with something, I have to take the back seat.

6) What do you tell other stepmoms about negotiating money in the blended household?

Couples need to learn how to partner on money issues just as they do on other aspects of running a household. Some couples use the one pot method where everything goes in and come out of the same account. The expenses are divvied up according to need. More and more I’m seeing couples who use the three pot method, which is when there is a household account from which all the house bills are paid and then each individual has an account that they use to pay their own expenses. Whoever has children pays for them out of his or her own account.

It’s also important to address the emotional aspect of money. For instance, a stepmom with no kids of her own may resent the amount of money going out to the other house, but it’s something she has to learn how to accept because her husband comes with obligations he committed to before they met. Stepmoms need to explore what they will contribute to the household funds. Some women wait until they’ve been in the family for a while before they start contributing directly to their stepchildren’s lives (buying them clothes or paying for lessons, for instance.) Others simply pay for the food, toiletries, lights, and heat to make sure the kids have a comfortable place to live with they’re with their dad. My advice about money is the same as it is about sex: have open, honest discussions about it that make you both feel safe.

7) How do you take care of yourself?

I realized early on that in order to be a good stepmom it was crucial that I take good care of myself. I have a whole structure of support that I’ve set up around myself to hold me up when I’m swamped by feeling trapped, jealous, hurt or hostile. Here are just a few things on my list of must-dos:

• Walk my dog
• Get massages
• Vent to my best friends
• Exercise
• Take a vacation every summer all by myself
• Spend time alone with my husband
• Read an amazing book

8) How do you take care of your marriage?

What a good question! And I think one of the most important. My marriage is my first priority. I take care of it by spending time focused on its health and well-being. First, we have fun together often. My husband and I love to do a lot of things in common so we make sure we spend time together having wonderful meals, sneaking off to movies in the middle of the day, walking for miles around our city, traveling to other parts of the country, snuggling up for half the day when we don’t have the kids. The second most important thing we do is communicate. We decided early on to approach our marriage as a partnership and so we have become really good at communicating, negotiating, and joking (yes, joking…it helps relieve tension!) while we figure out how we’re going to deal with tough issues.

Meet Ms. October!

Samara Tilkens Postuma lives in Suburban Minnesota and writes at Simplicity in the Suburbs. As a sister blogger and stepmother of two, I was thrilled to ask her about her unique experiences being a stepmom. If you have not stumbled upon her site yet, I encourage you to check her out.

Q1) How did you become a stepmom? Talk a bit about your step-kids (age, sex, relationship to you).

I met Jeff when I was 20 years old. He was a divorced single dad of two. He was 29 at the time. I was a college student/nanny and thought this was so not going to work out. We got married about 18 months after we started dating. My step kids are 6 (Madison) and 8 (Tyler) and I met them when they were 20 months and almost four, respectively. Just thinking about that is crazy since my son Henry is almost 18 months. It’s weird to think I have known Madison since she was just a little older than him. WOW!

Q2) How did you feel about becoming an instant mom? Did you grow up in a step-family and if not, what was your perception of the “blended” family?

I did not grow up in a blended family and my perception of divorce and stepfamilies was not a good one. I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian family and we did not talk about divorce. I knew maybe three kids from school who were in stepfamilies, but I don’t ever remember hearing about stepmoms, only the stepdads.

Becoming an “instant mom” should have probably been scarier than it was for me. When Jeff and I were dating and later engaged, I was working as a nanny and had been for awhile, so I kind of figured I had the whole parenting thing down. Was I ever wrong or what?!? But I knew that as long as I wanted to be with Jeff, Tyler and Madison were a part of the picture and I would never ever change that. I love having them in my life and being able to share life with them.

Q3) You have had your own child. How is that relationship different (if it is) to that with your step-kids?

Having children together was always part of our plan, and still is. Adding Henry to the mix was a different kind of challenge, but one we certainly wouldn’t trade. Tyler and Maddy love him and he loves them so much.

Q4) What is/has been the biggest challenge for you as a stepmom? Best things?

The biggest challenge is that this is a role that you get no training, experience and feedback for. Yes, there are hundreds and thousands of books, articles and essays written on it, but there is really nothing that will teach you what life will be like. When Jeff and I got engaged I searched high and low for resources because the last thing I wanted to do was be the “evil stepmother” that movies and TV so often depict. I seriously came up mostly empty because many of the things I’ve seen and read are outdated or just don’t even begin to fit our family. That’s why I often say, someday I’ll write my book.

Another huge challenge is the stereotypes and judgments associated with being a stepmom, especially a young stepmom. I received a lot (more than I’d even like to remember) of criticism when I started dating Jeff. His age didn’t bother people, but the fact that he was divorced with kids certainly did. People make all sorts of assumptions about our family and the roles we all play, but we’re all realizing it doesn’t really matter. The hurdle to get over is really just not caring what anyone else thinks or says.

The best part about being a stepmom is having two children love on me for no other reason than that I am their stepmom. They bring so much joy! The good moments and memories far outweigh anything else. Even just hearing them both get excited about me getting to be “Stepmom of the Month.”

Q5) Explain the living arrangement- back and forth with bio mom- does this work out well?

Our typical arrangement is that the kids are with Jeff and I from Saturday until Wednesday and with their mom from Wednesday to Saturday. However, I use the word “typical” loosely because it seems we are always making changes and working different things out. That is a bonus to getting along and being able to work together. It’s a 50/50 split and even though some weeks might be different, we try to make sure it all comes out in the end. We live in the same school district less than 3 miles apart so this schedule works out nicely for us right now because we get to share the week and the weekend for the most part.

Q6) What is your relationship like with the Ex?

How much time do you have?!? The kids’ mom and I have a great relationship. We talk just about daily (or sometimes multiple times daily) about the kids, life, work…we are able to laugh with each other about the silliness of our lives. We haven’t always been that way. There was more than one awkward day and moment with each other. But I think that we both know that we are pretty much going to be in each others lives for awhile, so we might as well enjoy it. We share a mutual respect and I have always been straightforward in saying that I am NOT the kids mom, she is.

I give her a lot of credit because I’ve said many times over that I don’t know that I would be able to be as kind and full of grace as she has been with me.

Q7) How do you make time for your relationship with your husband?

This was much easier before we had Henry because when we didn’t have Tyler and Madison home we could have date nights or make plans those days. Now that we have Henry we have to be more deliberate about getting out together and get a sitter and actually plan what we are going to do. It’s important that we have time to be with each other every day without the craziness of life, and sometimes we do fall victim to that. We try to prioritize and plan nights out with just the two of us as much as we can.

Q8) Best piece of advice for new stepmoms?

This is a hard one for me. I feel like every family and every situation is so different, so it’s hard to say what would work or not work. Some key things I think that have helped our family are: communicating, being respectful of every parent involved, saying you’re sorry when you screw up, and realizing that the kids are what’s important.

Did any of Samara’s comments hit home? Start a new thread in the Whole Milk forum

Meet Ms. September!

Suzy lives in Santa Rosa, CA. She is in her mid-thirties and in fact, we went to high school together! She got married in her mid-twenties to a divorced man with two daughters. I asked her to talk about becoming an instant mom.

Q1: What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Talk a bit about your step-kids (age, sex, relationship to you).

I met my husband, Jack in March of 1995. After a few dates he disclosed having been married and having two children. At the time, Cindy was 11 and Carrie was 9 yrs. I did not meet the girls until a year into my relationship. Our relationship built slowly over time with a rapid increase when I became pregnant with my first child in 1998.

Q2: What is the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for Smoms?

Their birth mother. I am fortunate that the girls have an excellent mother. At the same time, I compete with the fact that their mom is a wonderful person and an excellent mother. Does that make sense?? It is and has been a lot to live up to. Universal issue? We are the second partner and never can be the first!!

Q3: What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

Being a stepmom is a gift and one I have not taken lightly. I feel honored to have played my role during their younger years. The last 13 years have been years of change and growth. Of course, the girls have affected and influenced this process and in my opinion, only for the better. My younger years were a bit too ME focused. They taught me to share and give. Today they do not need me as much and that’s okay. Now, I watch them with their half siblings and feel an amazing warmth. They are a gift that my biological children will have for life.

Q4: What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Remember you are on the bleachers!! The game being played is between the birth parents and the children.

Q5: How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I needed and took breaks. My frustrations were vented to my girlfriends.

Q6: How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

I was never in the main mother role which has been easier. I do remember getting so mad at Jack when I felt he was being unfair with his girls. I am and always have been a strong advocate for the girls. The challenge for me was accepting my husband’s feelings for his x-wife. He will always love her and have a special bond with her. How could he not? He has two beautiful children and over a decade of memories with her.

A couple more things I want to add on the subject of money and age…

Not that I am proud of this feeling but…I did and do have some feelings around the financial piece of stepchildren. It has been an interesting process having my stepchildren live with more financial security then myself and my bio children. One of the girls attends a private college that is a huge financial expense! My opinion around attending a less expensive school was dismissed.

Age: Everything has gotten easier since the girls have turned 18 years of age.

Did any of Susan’s comments strike a chord? Start a new thread in the Whole Milk forum.

Meet Ms. August!

Jeanne lives North of San Francisco in the West County. Jeanne is a veteran stepmom. She’s no longer raising the stepkids, who are now adults and living outside of the house. They were 12 and 14 when Jeanne came into their lives. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us still doing service.

What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

My quick answer, reduced to its lowest terms, is that it’s easier said than done. Keep in mind that these kids did not ask for this blended family.

On the very bottom line, (even if they aren’t aware or can admit it), I think just about every kid of divorced parents really hopes Mom and Dad will somehow find their way back together. Even if the home was not happy. I think the instinct is for them to want to reassemble the pack. Another guiding fact is that they believe on some self-referential, guilty level that if only they had (or had not) done something a little more or a little less or different, their folks might still be together now.

A big conflict for them is that as they grow closer to you, the stepmom, the more at odds they are with that very basic goal of somehow doing just the right thing to reunite the parents. They can really like you, even love you, but the more solid your position in the blended family becomes as a result of their acceptance of you, the greater their sense of failure. It’s almost a question of their not being true to the other parent. And of course, since you’re the adult and they’re the children, you’re not taking any of it personally, right?

What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Sometimes the best you can hope for is to be kind to them as consistently as possible, even when they’ve just hurt your feelings on purpose–again. It takes a lot of deposits into the “trust” fund on your behalf. And don’t expect to be thanked. I think the kids need to know when they say or do unkind things that hurt your feelings. Just try not to respond in kind. You’re all doing the best you can in a real bitch of a situation.

Was there a point when things changed and got easier?

It gets a little easier as they begin to get crushes and fall in love. Mine didn’t want to see too much affection displayed between me and their dad.

Remember how, as a younger kid, you didn’t want to see people kissing in a movie? Not only do these kids not want to see “mush”, your mush with their dad costs them dearly, so I say cool it, especially when love is new and compelling and to cool it is soooooooo difficult, but cool it anyway . When my stepkids finally found someone to snuggle with and their senses of self extended beyond the household my whole relationship with them slowly began to ease. They are grown and parents now and, even as my marriage to their dad ended a couple of years ago, we remain in each others lives.

Did any of Jeanne’s comments strike a chord? Start a new thread in the Whole Milk forum.

Meet Ms. July!

Susan lives in Sonoma County, CA. Susan is a stepmom and a bio-mom. All three of her daughters are now in their thirties and raising families of their own. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

We “blended” his two daughters with my one daughter when they were 8, 10 and 11. I think it was good that our kids already knew and pretty much liked each other. We bought a house that would hold three kids even though I initially expected that his daughters would spend more time with their mother who lived in Michigan. My daughter went back and forth from our house to her dad’s which was only a few blocks away. My stepdaughters took turns living with their mother for an occasional school year and almost every summer, but much of the time we were a five-person household.

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

Going from a small family to a big one. I felt like I had no free time or free space, although fortunately my husband and I had our bedroom on the second floor and the kids were downstairs. So there was some escape from the chaos. And it was chaotic because the kids’ lives were hectic and we were two busy working parents very much involved with our careers.

In the early years I worried and felt guilty that my daughter was not getting enough of me. One of my husband’s daughters missed her mother and I felt bad that I couldn’t make up for that. My other stepdaughter and I didn’t get along in the early years and had screaming fights. It was a tough beginning and times when I truly worried about what I had taken on.

The universal issue. It takes a while for you to fall in love with the man. So how can you expect yourself to fall instantly in love with his kids? And he with yours. But it does happen.
Q3:
What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

We had a very full, wild and crazy house. We were not a quiet house. There was always something happening, but even the drama, in looking back, it helped me grow into a more accepting, big hearted person. I learned from the kids. We had our bloodbaths but we had a lot of laughs, too. My daughters - I don’t use the term step daughters anymore - are smart, funny, delightful, caring women. When we get together I sit back and watch our reassembled circus, and I feel very fortunate.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Make sure your health insurance covers family counseling.

Q5:
How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I had a group of women who were also stepmothers. We shared stories, went on women-only get-aways, laughed bitterly, cried happily, drank too much, smoked a little pot. One week every year I fled California and went back east to visit my sister.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

My husband and I were in sync all along with how to raise our kids. We both wanted our marriage to work and honestly discussed how to do that with a couples counselor.. the same guy who was our family counselor. We took off on weekends (rarely) leaving the kids with a friend or with my in-laws. But we never really did get to live like a couple until the daughters were all in college and we moved to Europe for two years.

Did any of Susan’s comments hit home? Open a dialogue in the Whole Milk forum.

If you know of a stepmom I should profile please write izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com

Meet Ms. June!

Lynn lives in Loomis, CA. Lynn is another “veteran” Stepmom, someone who is no longer in the trenches, no longer raising the now-grown-up kids. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us who are still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

I would like to begin by saying that I have the most wonderful stepchildren in the world! I couldn’t love them more. They have made our lives so full. They don’t make Hallmark cards that say what I would like to say about them. My husband and I don’t have any biological children but he had two boys and a girl and I had two boys. When we started dating, they were 11, 12, two 13 year-olds, and one 16 year-old.

That said, had I known how hard it was to be a girlfriend, I may not have been a step-mom! However, after meeting the challenges as a girlfriend which, by the way, were way harder for me than being a step-mom, we “hooked up” and moved in together. But let me go back to the beginning . . .

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

I can’t leave out the part about being a girlfriend because that was, to me, the hardest part of setting the stage to becoming a step-mom. The biggest challenge when we moved in together, was having 5 kids! I only wanted two and all of a sudden I had five! My boys were raised differently than his and most of the time I didn’t like them very much. They were loud, confrontational, messy, bad table manners, and they didn’t like me much either. They played their dad against me in many ways. I could see it . . . he didn’t. I still feel the hardest part of being a step-mother is being a good, loving and constant mother to your own children. They didn’t like the situation very much either and couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to give them quality time and lots of love, but it was hard for them to be thrown into that situation. What saved us? Every two weeks they got a two-week break from each other. We had my kids alone one week, all five the next week, his 3 on the third week, and a week to ourselves the last week in the month. Although this was never written in stone, it was a great schedule to work with month to month.

Q3:
What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

I can compare being a step-mom of young children to giving birth!! Once you get through the pain, you don’t even remember it. I love it now. It’s hard to remember how painful it really was. One important piece of advice, which I learned early on when we started dating, don’t be jealous of the kids or the ex-wife. One of the things that attracted me to my husband in the first place was his attention and love for his kids. The kids will always try to use daddy. But, does it really matter? It didn’t to me. My mom gave me great advice when I was at the end of my rope one time. She reminded me that the kids are going to grow up and have relationships of their own and move out. She said, if you love him, stick with it. I did and you know what? I now have 3 married step-kids with wonderful spouses and grandchildren that I adore. This is what life is about. Sometimes the ex-wife issue can be hard but she is the mother of his kids. There were so many issues, as you all know, but this worked for me.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

1) Don’t “get on” his kids all the time for things that aren’t life-changing. Their bedrooms are messy and smelly? Shut the door. They have to sleep there, not you. I found it easier to mention things to their father and let him handle it. But, not so many that it causes friction between the two of you. It’s a fine line, but it can work.

2) Don’t be jealous of anything. Let it go! You will be better for it and you will feel better about it. They came first. You are second. I’m sure that is what made our lives easier in the long run. His kids may not have liked me, but they had to respect me and their father made sure they understood what that meant in our day-to-day lives.

3) Try to find something “special” about each child and use it to show a special interest in that child. Even for a moment, they may like you!

4) Most importantly, don’t “mother” the children. They have a mother. Remember that most of all. Even the nicest, kindest, cutest kids may still want their mom and dad together again instead of you.

Q5:
How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I took care of myself by devoting my time to my two boys and their activities, my husband, the rest of my family, and my job. Although I never felt I could do enough for my boys under the circumstances, I did my best. Like my oldest son just told me recently (he’s now 35), “If we could have only fast-forwarded our lives to see how happy you are and how much fun our family has . . . that would have been so much easier.” How great that made me feel. I felt it went full circle. It’s great when they grow up! And they all do.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

I never felt like I was “raising” my husband’s kids. I felt our relationship was great, but it was never easy. The kid’s teen years were very hard because there were parties at the house, vacations, car issues, etc. I know things are different if you are raising small children or children with personality problems, ADD, etc., however, my husband basically let me raise mine and he raised his and we came together on the “rules of the house.”

Q6:
Any books or resources that helped for you to recommend?

When I divorced in 1985 and set up my new apartment a few blocks away from my ex’s house . . . I read a book called, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House”. It was very helpful with my two boys. Other than that, one week with a therapist (four years later) helped me with his kids.

This advice worked for me because now I couldn’t have a better life if it had been scripted. All five of our kids are married and we have eight grandchildren and one on the way. I took my own advice and because I have a wonderful man and wanted to hang on to him, we’ll celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary this year! You have to work to succeed at anything.

This is a great website. Something I wish I had resource to when I was going through that time of my life. Thanks Lynn.

Did any of Lynn’s comments strike a chord? Open a dialogue in the Whole Milk forum.

If you know of a stepmom I should profile please write izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com

Meet Ms. May!

Gretchen lives in Port Townsend, WA.

Gretchen is what I call a “veteran” Stepmom, someone who is no longer in the trenches, no longer raising the now-grown-up kids. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us who are still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

After my husband and I were married less than a year, his three sons 6, 8 and 10 years old, asked to live with us after spending the summer with us. We told them we would love to have them live with us, but their mother had physical custody and they would have to ask her. They asked and she (of course) was really mad, but said they could and she knew they would be wanting to go back to her soon. They never did. After a court hearing and lots of money spent on lawyers, we were given custody. They had been coming for long visits since they were 3, 5 and 7 years old, so we all knew each other very well.

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms? Is there a universal
issue?

Feeling second to the boys. Even though they wanted to live with us their mother was their mother. I always loved it when they said,”Even if you aren’t our real mom, you are the best.” Every S-mom has a unique situation and I don’t think there is one specific issue.

Q3:
What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

We have all shared a lot of great experiences together and even though there were many hard times, looking back it was worth it. I love them all very much.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

Take things really slowly and easy. It takes years for these relationships to build.

Q5:
How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

Exercise, exercise, exercise. Talk to friends that are in the same S-mom position. It helps to hear how they deal.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

We were very supportive and kept talking, talking, talking to one another. Take time to spend alone with your husband. If you can get through this together, you can deal with anything that comes your way.

Did any of Gretchen’s comments strike a chord? Open a dialogue in the Whole Milk forum.

If you know of a stepmom I should profile please write izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com

Tags:advice, blended family, blog, forum, stepmom spotlight