stepmothersmilk.com

Stepparenting a Teen

IzzyRose — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:19:00 +0000

Some wise words on stepparenting a teen…

“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.”

– Garrison Keillor, Radio Show Host

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.”

– Helen Keller

“Humor is the great thing, the saving thing…”

– Mark Twain

All quotes borrowed from The 312 Best Things About Being A Stepmom by Cynthia L. Copeland

stepparenting, teen, teenager, The 312 best things about being a stepmom

I’m a Stepmom, not a Doormat

IzzyRose — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:39:31 +0000

Ladies, I really love this quote…

“As Stepmoms, we should remember

That in order to be walked on,

We have to be lying down.

It’s our choice.”

– Cynthia L. Copeland

stepmom, The 312 best things about being a stepmom

Stepmom or Second Mom?

IzzyRose — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:32:45 +0000

About a year ago, I wrote a post titled What’s in a Name? At the time, I was struggling with what to call my stepkids– my kids, stepkids, the little creeps I live with– and what they should call me– stepmom, Izzy or that weird lady down the hall.

Recently, a new reader stumbled upon the post and has revived the debate. “It’s amazing how just a simple name, a simple word, can be so emotionally charged…”

This reader refers to her stepkids as the most important kids in her world, which I think is very sweet. I can relate to this having no kids of my own (that is, babies who baked in my oven). Indeed, The Tall One and The Young One are the most important kids in my world.

As I was mulling all this over, I came across this excellent post on the Los Angeles Moms Blog. It, too, addresses the issue of name-calling…

“Stepdaughter has sometimes referred to me as her “second mom,” and I appreciate that. I’m not a replacement - I’m a supplement. I’m another adult that she and her brother can look to for care and support, without taking anything away from their “real” parents.”

For a while now, I’ve been looking for a name to replace the very dated, and often negatively charged, “stepmom.”

Ladies, please do weigh in. What do you think of Second Mom? It’s growing on me.

Izzy Rose, Los Angeles moms blog, second mom, stepmom

Blogging about the EX

IzzyRose — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 15:40:01 +0000

I’ve discovered a new stepmom blogger. She goes by Chelle and she has written a thoughtful post outlining the pros and cons for blogging about the ex-wife relationship.

Here’s an excerpt…

” Don’t throw things onto your blog that you’ll wish you could take back… Try to find empathy for your counter-mom. She just might do the same for you. She brought that beautiful child to life, and no matter how many reasons you believe you have to be angry and even combative, nothing changes that. As the mom she deserves more. As the step-mom, so do you. Create a bond. Find reasons to love her. She will be in your life forever.”

Since launching Stepmother’s Milk, I have felt torn over what I should and should not write about when it comes to the EX. I created this platform for myself so that I could write honestly, but I have to be careful. My step-darlings read my site and I don’t see how it will ever benefit me to bash their mother. Talk about a recipe for disaster.

Plus, I’m not a big fan of conflict, so given the choice– I avoid it. That said, there have been particular situations where I felt compelled to speak up– not because I was looking for a fight or to simply bitch-bitch, but because I needed some guidance. Are my feelings valid or am I out of my mind?

When I write about the EX, it’s because I need my stepladies to help me get clear. I created this site to build a community of like-minded stepmoms– not to grow my relationship with the EX. Do I need to be fair to my husband’s ex-wife? Yes. Should I be decent? Absolutely. But, when it comes down to it, this site is not about her– it’s about me.

blog, ex wife, stepmom, Stepmothers Milk, the ex

Presenting Ms. August!

IzzyRose — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:43:01 +0000

I’ve met some fantastic stepmoms recently and I’m excited to highlight them in the coming months. Ms. August is a fellow blogger, a stepmom to two and a full-time career woman in the Chicago area.

She says, “If I had any advice to other stepmoms out there it would be to be as nice and kind as you’re capable of being… it’s character building and it sets a good example for the kids.”

Read the full interview here

If you or someone you know would like to be the Stepmother’s Milk Stepmom in the Spotlight, email me at izzy@stepmothersmilk.com

Holla At Your Girls

IzzyRose — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:31:51 +0000

It was an encouraging first step.

I met some of my contemporary stepmoms face-to-face. Five of us gathered in downtown Austin for fancy barbeque, including fellow blogger, Erin of The Erin Experiment. She and her husband were in town from Chicago celebrating their third wedding anniversary and indulging in some much-deserved stepparenting R and R.

Our group was much smaller than originally expected (see La Belle Mere), but family obligations, escalated airline costs and general economic woes were keeping ladies home this summer.

Still, our little group discussed a variety of topics, ranging from the difference between stepsons and stepdaughters, how to handle the ex-wife, why we discipline the way we do, and how the hell did we get into this mess in the first place? We also discussed the merits of good wine to alleviate stepparenting stress and pole dancing for dropping extra pounds (lbs most likely due to excessive wine consumption).

… a delicious treat.

It was a lovely evening and I’m already at work planning the next one. Look for a larger, national conference next spring in conjunction with an exciting event (no, I’m not pregnant) that I’ll keep you posted on. Any of you who want to partner up, please let me know.

In the meantime, I’m going to Holla at My Girls–that is, my local Austin stepmoms. The first Austin Step-Ladies Mixer coming soon!

If you haven’t already, I encourage the rest of you to start your own local stepmom groups in other parts of the country. I love my online community, but sitting down with real women to linger over great food and share honest conversation is such a delicious treat.

Cheers,

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austin, Austin stepmoms, Izzy Rose, stepmom conference, stepmom group, stepparenting

Stepmums Beware

IzzyRose — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:59:59 +0000

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

I just received the following Google News Alert for: Stepmother

Daughter breaks mum’s hip in death-bed bust-up

Death-bed bust up?

According to the story, a disgruntled stepdaughter broke “her stepmum’s hip by throwing her to the floor in a hospital bustup …” Poor stepmum is expected to walk with a limp for the rest of her life.

The story says, “relationships in the family had been strained.” Uh, apparently.

Wow. Have all our stepdaughters gone mad? Have we driven them criminal-crazy?

Here’s my advice. The next time your stepdaughter asks to borrow your favorite pair of designer shoes– for God’s sake, let her! Think about it this way: if you say no and then she throws you to the ground and you end up with a shattered hip, you won’t be able to wear them again anyhow.

Izzy Rose, stepdaughter, stepmother, stepmum

Attention Ex-Wives

IzzyRose — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 15:46:03 +0000

Ladies, I came across this post from a site called The Charly Mag: Note To Ex-Wives and because I can’t say it any better myself, I encourage you to read it here.

It resonated with me because I continue to struggle with my own definition of boundaries within the stepfamily. I am the second wife, without kids of my own and the newest addition to a family that existed long before I came along.

I found out pretty early on that I wasn’t comfortable jumping on board without stating clearly, “Hey move over. Make some room for me!” I knew I had to honor my own voice, but as a consequence– it’s been a bit of a bumpy ride. I continue to question myself… When are the needs and considerations of the collective family more important than my individual wants, including my own vision of what a family should be?

When I sat down this morning with my first cup of coffee and read, “Change and compromise is necessary in the blended family. It isn’t fair for you [ex-wife] to expect the current wife to embrace your way of thinking and doing things. Remember that she might have children as well and/or her own way of thinking. Just because she has chosen to marry a man with children and fully accepts his children and all the mayhem that comes with it, doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a mind of her own before deciding to do so,” I said out loud: THANK YOU CHARLY.

Give it a read and then let’s discuss.

blended family, ex wife, second wife, stepfamily

Hard Work = Hard Work

IzzyRose — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:13:41 +0000

Like millions of Americans, I have been touched and inspired by the story of Randy Pausch and his national bestseller, The Last Lecture. Randy recently lost his battle with pancreatic cancer, but not before leaving behind a powerful legacy to his children and poignant insights for the rest of us. His Last Lecture, as described on the jacket cover, is about “the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others and seizing every moment.”

Randy has strong advice for our kids…

On a recent return trip from Boston to Austin, I picked Randy’s book up in the airport bookstore. I’d nearly finished it by the time we landed. I immediately passed it on to The Husband and The Tall One is next in line.

In addition to asking adults to rethink their lives, Randy has strong advice for our kids who haven’t yet entirely started living theirs. The following is one of my favorites:

No job is beneath you.

The Tall One is sixteen and will be returning to school in the fall as a junior. He’ll also be joining the work force for the first time. He’s not thrilled with this news. Like most kids, he’d rather we shove an envelope of money under his door and let him be. But understanding this will never happen, he’s resolved to get a job. There’s just one problem: He doesn’t want to start at the bottom.

To date, we’ve been unsuccessful convincing him that sixteen-year-olds have limited options.

So naturally, I cheered out loud in my coach seat when Randy addressed the “growing sense of entitlement among young people today.” The Husband and I have often wondered about this; where does this attitude come from? In our case, The Tall One is surrounded by educated and career-minded adults, yet our strong work ethic seems to have skipped over his generation. I don’t get it.

Our strong work ethic has skipped over his generation.

The Husband and I go back and forth on how much we should ride the kid. Trying to instill motivation and humility is exhausting work and to be honest, there are many days when our fatigue wins out and we say– Forget it! Let him fail or succeed on his terms.

Randy calls this giving up.

“When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they’ve given up on you,” he writes. I would never want The Tall One to come to the realization that his parents had thrown in the towel– that we no longer believed in his potential.

So, enjoy the final three weeks of summer, Tall One. After that, I suggest you brush up on your hospitality and coffee-making skills. You’re going to have to work hard for that corner office.

And you can thank Randy for that.

Randy Pausch, teenagers, The Last Lecture, The Tall One

To Discipline or Not?

IzzyRose — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:46:01 +0000

On the subject of disciplining (or not) our unruly stepkids…

How are we supposed to keep a distance, not meddle and still exercise control over our own households? Hey, I may not be the mother, but this is where I live. I’ve been invited into this family and how far do I go in?

Many of you, I’ve read, are frustrated with your husbands for not exercising enough control over their sons and daughters. I’ve read complaints ranging from… He’s a pushover. He’s too indulgent. He’s afraid to be the bad-guy.

In my house, I often have the opposite dilemma. The Husband is a graduate of the School of Tough Love and he’s become a powerful Instructor of Discipline himself. His lectures are persuasive, but sometimes he needs to soften his delivery. I’m often asking him to pull back, not push harder.

So, naturally, I’ve wondered– what’s the difference between my situation and yours?

It seems that many of you who are battling with your husbands over a lack of discipline are living with stepdaughters. Could this be the variable? Maybe the dynamics are different when it comes to a divorced man and his girls versus a divorced dad with boys?

I may not be the mother, but this is where I live.

When I was younger, my stepdad avoided situations where he had to discipline me. He said, “I was afraid to [discipline you] and didn’t think I really had the standing to assume that role.” My stepdad left me alone, but he had no problem disciplining his own daughters– my stepsisters Piper and Gigi. When it came to his bio-kids, he was one demanding dude.

Stepladies, I understand we all have very unique situations. Every step family has its own set of defects that need adjusting and still, I’m curious about the common threads that run through our lives.

As always, please do weigh in.

bio kids, discipline, Izzy Rose, stepkids, stepparenting

My Shining Moment

IzzyRose — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 15:39:17 +0000

The Young One, Prince of silliness and high jinx, is not the only jokester in our house.

He has me to contend with.

The other night, we had a laugh-off. How this works in simple terms is that we try to out-funny each other.

I was on a roll.

I’m not sure if it was the delirium from the sweltering ninety degree weather or the sweet intoxication from the Zinfandel, but I delivered a line of sarcastic assaults that got the kid cackling. And snorting. And hyper-ventilating. Then coughing. And choking. Until suddenly- he barfed.

The Young One threw up into my tropical garden.

Which, of course, got me laughing.

After he finished wiping his mouth, he scolded, “Izzy! You just kept going and going. You wouldn’t stop!”

I smiled victoriously. “How does it feel, Young One? How does it feel?”

He had no comeback. He knew I’d won.

Moral of the story: You don’t enter a laugh-off lightly in our house. Someone’s going down– right into the Mexican feather grass.

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Izzy Rose, The Young One