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Stepmom Spotlight- Molly from Indy

Monday, February 1st, 2010

molly_feb Introducing Ms. February 2010!

Molly Schaar lives in Elkhart, Indiana. She’s 25 and married to a divorced man seventeen years her senior. She has three stepchildren, aged 18, 15, and 7 and a one-year-old baby girl with her husband. She blogs regularly at Stepchicks under the name, Step Up Mom 4 Life. Her personal motto is “take the high road.”

1) Hi Molly. How did you meet your husband? What did your girlfriends think about the 17-year difference between the two of you?

I met my husband when I moved to the Indiana area a few years ago for a job offer where he also worked. I became close with many of the staff that worked in collaboration with my department, including him.

It was not love at first sight! Knowing each others situation and the stark differences between us made imagining a relationship all but impossible. I was young, at the height of my social life and career, and was very focused on moving up and continuing my education. My husband was divorced with custody of 3 children and did not invite anything into his life that would distract him from giving them everything he had. His life was all coloring, barbies, softball, and working through the aftermath of his divorce.

I credit the beginning of our relationship to our colleague, Juanita, who was a dear friend to both of us. Bless her soul, she saw something we didn’t and dropped oblivious hints everyday for the better part of five months that we should spend time together and get to know one another better. She got the rest of our co-workers to push as well and eventually we finally decided to go to lunch together just to get them to stop!

True romance for us grew over time. That lunch was the beginning of not wanting our conversations to end and realizing that all those differences were nothing compared to the similarities and shared perspective for the future. When my husband realized I was as serious as he was about his children, we began falling in love as a family. I took my time getting to know the kids. Not pushing, just being present. They opened their arms to me when they were ready and we grew together until we were all ready to become a family.

When my husband realized I was as serious as he was about his children, we began falling in love as a family.

The kids gave us the blessing…and when we announced our engagement, Juanita was the one who laughed the hardest. She knew. She knew what we didn’t and what we now thank God we had the chance to discover. She is no longer with us, but I know she’s in heaven, still laughing.

As for the age difference…it’s not something everyone agrees or will agree with. There’s a lot of assumptions that go along with the age gap generation. Some people sexualize our relationship and undermine our abilities as not only a couple, but as parents. That can be frustrating. The assumption is that someone my age cannot handle the responsibilities of raising children or stepchildren or someone my husband’s age is just living his horny teenage fantasy. That may be crude to say, but it’s a lot of what we hear and see when people are against us. The truth is in our daily lives. We commit ourselves and every resource to our children and toward improving their lives in a constant and meaningful way. We now have a biological child of our own, but consider all 4 children truly ours. We have wonderful relationships with all our children. I love them like they are my own, while respecting they have a different mother, and they know that.

I was lucky to have girlfriends that asked tough questions (which they would have done to any poor shmuck who wanted to marry me, regardless of age!) but were quick to be supportive realizing the deep love and faith that had developed between us and with our children. I believe that when people take the time to understand the situation and not only how we feel, but how our children feel, they understand the reason we became husband and wife.

2) What is your relationship like with the kids? What is the one thing you’d like to change about that relationship?

My relationship with the kids is like any parental relationship. You have your great moments and your challenging moments. You are going to struggle, inevitably. That’s the part no parent enjoys, but every parent has to accept responsibility for and still love their children through [it all]. We’ve struggled at times to find common points or to understand each other, and that was and is still expected. It’s the tough times that really define your relationship and make you family.

It takes tremendous patience and diligence to show a child you love them when you are telling them something they don’t want to hear, especially since you aren’t “mom.” I’ve heard that before and I don’t doubt I’ll hear it again. I’m a big proponent in not just being there when it’s easy or fun, but in being there for my kids when the going gets tough. My role isn’t to be their mom or to take over for their mom in her absence, but to offer guidance and truthful, sometimes blunt, advice and perspective… as I am still an adult and they are still children in comparison.

We share in a relationship I know some stepfamilies struggle to attain. I have been very lucky to have such wonderful stepchildren to open their arms to loving me and accepting me so easily in comparison to the hundreds of stories I hear from other stepparents. My stepchildren know 3 things: I love them unconditionally as if they were my own and I always will; I wouldn’t be here or stay here if I thought my relationship with them or their father hindered them in any way and; I believe they have double the love with double the parents in their corner. (And double the Christmas and Birthday gifts, cause that’s what it’s all about right?)

I wouldn’t change my relationship with my stepchildren. I am very lucky to share in a relationship that is honest, while very loving. I feel accepted as a stepmom and friend, and feel they trust me and are honest with me when they need someone else.

3) What is your relationship like with your husband’s ex? How do you manage boundaries?

Initially my husband’s ex and I did not see eye to eye. It’s just a natural instinct to question or doubt someone when it comes to the welfare of your children. I don’t fault my husband’s ex for having protective instincts as a mother and I don’t fault myself for having some defenses of my own as the new stepmom trying to find my place. In the end, peace is always more enjoyable for everyone and far more beneficial to raising responsible, well-rounded adults. I know peace is just not possible in every situation like ours, but when it is, I hope parents pursue it.

We are now lucky enough to share in a relationship that consists of regular communication, laughter, and the exchange of ideas and support as parents to our common children. She is very kind to my own child and I outreach to her stepchildren with her current husband. We may not all live in the same house or have the same rules, but we are family in a lot of ways.

We recognize the necessity of consistency for the kids, as well as being able to look to us as the role models. We strongly feel that seeing positive interaction in an open and honest manner, even when there are disagreements, provides our kids the opportunity to do the same in their future.

As for managing boundaries- we respect and recognize the differences between the two households. We have our own rules here and they have theirs. We don’t always agree with everything the other does, but we still respect that’s what works for them. When it comes to bigger issues or working towards a larger goal, we come together and try to find a common solution or idea. We also steal from each other- good ideas that work with the kids are worthy of repetition across the board. For me it’s always considering stepping up, stepping back, and stepping aside. I step up as I’m needed and when it’s important to, and step back when I need to consider what is right, but I know there are times it’s important to step aside. Ultimately, she’s their mother. Period.

For me it’s always considering stepping up, stepping back, and stepping aside.

4) What allowed you to walk away from your single gal lifestyle and marry a divorced man with kids?

When I started getting to know my husband, something just clicked. There was more difficulty being with him than anyone I had ever dated. It didn’t take long for me to understand the importance of being a partner to someone, a support, and a best friend. When you have something as precious as children to consider, it sort of puts everything in perspective.

I used to work full-time making more money than I knew what to do with and spent a lot of time alone or with friends. When I first moved to Indiana, I lived a very carefree schedule outside my job. I shopped regularly without thought to price or sales, didn’t think about a budget or money worries, and enjoyed the luxury of coming and going as I pleased. I shopped at high end stores, went and got my hair done, ate out at least every week. I used to be able to sleep till noon.

Now, I am home full-time caring my baby girl and getting my other kids to school, getting homework done, cooking meals, and keeping track of everyone’s schedules. We can’t just go when we want unless we can find a sitter. We live on a budget. I shop at discount stores and realize the necessity of it with 4 children. We eat at home regularly and think hard when we do spend extra money. I don’t think I’ve slept past 8am in the last year and I know I haven’t seen a salon in too long.

Most people would consider that transition daunting or giving up so much difficult. I think a lot of people had different expectations of where I would be at my age. I understand that. I wouldn’t have put myself here a few years ago either. But I am so incredibly happy and while I know I could be somewhere entirely different, I’m glad God led me here.

5) Are you a stepdaughter? What was your expectation of what a stepfamily would look and feel like? What advice (if any) has your own mother given you?

I am not a stepdaughter, but I am what my parents call a “foreign import” aka international adoptee. I never knew my biological family and I believe that’s where I get the mentality that family isn’t just about blood relations. Family is defined by who was there to support you and guide you.

I never knew my biological family and I believe that’s where I get the mentality that family isn’t just about blood relations

I didn’t really have any expectations of what a steppfamily would look like. Frankly- I don’t think I gave it much thought until I was dating my husband. When I considered the idea that I might become a stepmom, I read a lot of books, did some internet research, joined some chat forums, and realized it could be a challenge. I knew I would have to be firm in my love for my husband and my new children and trust in that, no matter what was against us.

I’m pretty sure I sent both my parents into shock when I announced my marriage. I think they thought it was a bad joke. It was troubling for them because I was in such a different direction prior and it caused some tension for a while. I understand why. They were trying to protect me because they won’t ever stop being my parents just like I won’t ever stop wanting to protect my children no matter how old they get. Over time we’ve healed. My parents support and love us and I appreciate them on new levels, just by being a stepmom and then becoming a mother myself.

My mother has tried to impart the importance of taking care of myself, my marriage, and cherishing my time as my children grow. She and my father also encourage me to continue in pursuits I had prior to being married, which included furthering my education and pursuing a career I find fulfilling.

I immensely enjoy being home and feel it’s the right thing to do by my baby and my other kids, but do agree with them that continuing my education is important and once my baby is in school, finding a career that is fulfilling will be important to me. I listen carefully when my mother tells me something. I know she’s been married as long as she has for a reason. She’s not always right…but she’s rarely wrong!

6) What do you do to take care of yourself? Your marriage?

I take care of myself in a number of ways. I talk to friends and my parents on a regular basis and try to find support networks outside my husband, especially in the stepmom community. I watch bad reality television once a week without interruption from my children. I take naps or read when the baby is down. Most importantly, and what I have been doing for more than a decade- I journal. It’s a quiet activity for just me. I try to do it every couple of days to keep things in perspective. It’s also a nice way to be able to look back and recognize where we are from where we have been.

My husband and I try to spend time checking in with each other. We talk when he gets home from work and before bed. He calls me at lunch just to check in. Sometimes we read to each other just to enjoy calm. We share responsibilities. We try to find time for just us- even if its not out of the house. Sometimes just sharing a cup of coffee over the breakfast table while the kids are asleep is important. Never underestimate the value of a sitter either.

We appreciate the little things. He’ll pick up my favorite drink at the gas station or find me a magazine I enjoy. I’ll look for books for him at the library or send him funny videos and ecards at work. We leave each other notes…I sneak notes into his car to find on his way to work in the morning and he’ll hide mine in the bathroom or just leave one on the dresser. We use the phrase SHMILY…something we read about in a book. It stands for “See How Much I Love you.” My husband is my best friend. I trust in him and love him and know he feels the same way about me. At the end of the day, that’s what counts for us.

My husband is my best friend… At the end of the day, that’s what counts for us.

7) What has it been like blending your husband’s kids with the child you have together?

We don’t treat our child together any differently than my stepchildren. As far as we are concerned, she’s their sister. We included the kids in my pregnancy and as we made decisions about the baby. They were excited for her and love playing with her and watching her change.

I know someday she will wonder about the differences in relationships but she will know she is loved by us and her siblings. That’s what will make the difference in how she considers her relationships and their meaning. She has family that supports her and siblings she can always look to. I believe she has more love in her life than if she had been born into a family without stepchildren.

8) If a girlfriend told you she was in love with a divorced man with kids, what would you tell her?

Becoming a stepmom is not for everyone. It takes a lot of forethought and consideration. Ultimately if someone has doubts, I feel strongly they need to keep the kids out of it until they know themselves well enough to determine if it’s a role they can accept. Children of divorce have a lot of anxiety over people leaving them and being sure people love them. You don’t want to be someone who adds to that stress.
If you know it’s real and trust in your relationship with their father and that you can love your stepchildren like your own regardless of how they perceive you or how others perceive you, then go for it.

Have faith. Keep strong. Do the right things for the right reasons and keep the fact that children are a part of your love story in mind. Build and grow as a family. Know the difference between you, as the adult, and your children. Recognize there will be struggles, but the end result will be worth it. Love endlessly.

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Stepmom Spotlight- A Texan in the Trenches

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

Stepmother’s Milk Stepmom in the Spotlight

Introducing Ms. January 2010!

Wendy Deppe lives in Coppell, Texas, and is celebrating her one-year wedding anniversary this month. She has a six-year-old stepdaughter, Merit, and her stepson Luke is about to turn five. She and her new husband split 50-50 custody of the kids with his first wife. Wendy writes regularly at Step In the Trenches and is a regular contributor to Stepmom Magazine.

1) What is your relationship like with your stepkids? Is there anything you’d like to change about that relationship?

I feel so blessed to enjoy a truly loving relationship with my stepkids. They are genuinely sweet, precious children. Their parents have done a good job of instilling important values such as kindness and generosity in them. Merit was four and Luke was almost three when I met Bill; they were so little that it kind of feels like I’ve been in their lives forever!

All in all, I love being a stepmom

They’ve always taken to me (Merit especially…she loves our “girl time”) and we truly enjoy the time we spend together as a family. I feel very lucky that I met them when they were so young and I didn’t miss out on too many of the important milestones of being little. It is a joy to watch them get bigger, watch their cognitive skills and language become more advanced, and see how their little personalities are emerging. One thing that has surprised me about being a stepmom is how much I truly miss them when they are not with us!

I’m not sure there’s much I would change about our current relationship, I just hope and pray that things will always be as positive as they are now. They have never had any of the classic “stepmom resentment” towards me and I hope that will always be the case! I know things won’t always be perfect and with their teenage years we are probably doomed to some rough times, but I hope that the foundation we are laying now of trust, love, commitment, respect, and most of all friendship will serve us well in their later years.

2) What is your relationship like with your husband’s ex-wife?

I feel fortunate that their mother and I get along just fine. She has always been very nice to me, and accepting of my relationship with her kids, and of course I appreciate that very much. I think all four of us adults work well together for the sake of the kids.

3) Did you invite her to your wedding? Why or why not?

We did not invite their mother to our wedding because it just didn’t feel appropriate. We had a very small, intimate wedding with close friends and family only. I think it would have been awkward for her to be there. When she remarried, we were not invited to her wedding either. Although we co-parent well with her, there’s a certain boundary that we keep on both ends. It works well for us.

4) On a daily basis, what’s the hardest/best thing about being in a stepfamily?

Sudden parenthood was definitely a challenge for me to get used to. I had been a freewheeling single girl for a long time, used to doing pretty much what I wanted, when I wanted. Cereal for dinner, awesome! Sleep in till noon, cool! I couldn’t believe it the first time my stepkids woke us up at 5 am on a Saturday. There are so many small, tiny things on a daily basis that require relentless self-sacrifice. I was also surprised at the enormous amount of work involved to run a household smoothly. My husband is wonderful, and he does the majority of the work around the house, but the laundry is never-ending, with four furry pets there is always vacuuming to be done, meals to be planned and prepared, bathrooms to be cleaned, trash to take out, etc. Sometimes I’m so worn out from all the work that I feel I don’t have time to actually enjoy the children when they are with us! We try to save a lot of the work for when they are at their mom’s, but there is always something!

Another thing I find difficult to deal with is the stigma of being a stepmom. Even in this day and age this dreadful stereotype still exists. Several times when I’ve told people I’m a stepmom I literally have seen something cross their face (quickly stifled) and attitudes towards me change, as if I’d somehow disappointed them. I often feel like there is some kind of exclusive Mommy Club of which I am a provisional member (doing a lot of mommy-type work, after all) but not really accepted.

On the other hand, there are so many things I love about being a stepmom! I love it when Merit and Luke climb in my lap and just want to sit and be held, or when they want to snuggle in bed in the mornings. I love it when Merit talks to me about her life and her problems; I feel honored that she trusts me and knows I will listen. Thursday nights are Family Game Night at our house and I get tickled playing games together as a family. I read stories to them every night. So far we’ve read The Secret Garden, The Little Princess, the Chronicles of Narnia series, and we’re currently working on the Little House on the Prairie series. Those are books my mom read to me as a child and it feels really good that Merit enjoys the stories and our reading time as much as I did as a little girl!

Family is important, even if we’re different.

It also makes me feel like a million bucks that my stepkids think I am a really good cook and they like the meals I prepare for them. Bill is an amazing father, and it warms my heart to watch him with these precious children. All in, I love being a stepmom and I feel so blessed that I have it pretty easy on most counts, compared to a lot of stepmoms I know.

5) What was your expectation of what a stepfamily would look and feel like?

I am a stepdaughter myself. My mom remarried when I was a teenager and my stepdad actually legally adopted me; he is the man I consider my dad. He is a great role model to me for what a loving, kind, involved stepparent should look like. I’ve always felt extremely fortunate to have him in my life; he and I are very close and he is the wisest person I know.

I used to feel sorry for my stepkids, that their parents got divorced, and everyone knows that no one wants a stepmom. But a friend of mine pointed out to me the difference in that attitude, and the gratefulness I have for my own dad in my life. My friend said I should be looking at my role in my stepkids’ lives as a chance to replicate my dad’s kindness and love towards me. I thought that was great advice!

My family is large with several steps and halves and a huge age range. One thing I’ve learned from being in a blended family is that the most important thing is to just love one another as we are. We may not always agree or even like our family members, but family is important, even if we’re different.

6) What’s your best piece of advice for other steps?

I think my best advice would be to reach out to other stepmoms! I love to talk to other stepmoms and hear their stories and their struggles and their victories. I learn so much in hearing how other ladies have handled situations that I find myself in, or that I think I might be in sometime in the future. There are many great online communities such as this one and there is a place for every kind of stepmom!

My other piece of advice would be to read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. That book changed our relationship so much for the better! Her work pretty much encapsulates all of the difficulties stepmoms face, and it gave me not only great comfort but also great insight into my role.

What do you do to take care of yourself? Your marriage?

I take a nap every chance I get! Seriously, there is nothing better than a mid-afternoon nap on Saturday or Sunday (especially if the weather is rainy and cold). Sometimes I even have a tiny catnap right after work. Even if it’s just 15 minutes, having a little bit of rest time seems to greatly improve my mood and energy level.

I enjoy having some downtime in the evenings right before bed where my husband and I sit and read, just talk, have a glass of wine, or sometimes take the dogs on a walk. This probably sounds silly but I collect vintage young adult series books, such as Nancy Drew and Trixie Belden, that I read as a child. I have a huge collection of Nancy and Trixie books and I re-read them often. I don’t know why but I get a lot of comfort out of those stories (and since I’ve read them so many times it doesn’t take a lot of brain power!).

My husband is great about planning nice dates and we very much enjoy our “us” time when the kids are with their mom. Never before in my life have I truly wanted to just simply be with someone 24/7 but I do with him, even if it’s just heading to the farmer’s market, or renting some movies or any one of the many things we enjoy doing together. Every now and then we’ll take a small mini-vacation for a weekend just a couple of hours away.

A while back we read the book The Five Love Languages together, and the author talks about keeping each others’ “love tank” full…we ask each other all the time about the status of the other’s love tank, and if it’s not full what we can do to top it off. Bill and I are constantly striving to put the other’s needs ahead of our own, and I can say he does a great job of keeping my love tank full!

7) Tell us about your blog. What issues do you tackle? What kind of stories do you share?

My blog is in its infancy! I always find myself wishing I had more time to post consistently. So far it’s just been a random collection of thoughts, musings, and funny stories about the kids. One thing I want to feature regularly are pictures and descriptions of the craft projects the kids and I do together. It’s kind of become my “shtick” with them that we do crafts (I have written a few articles with suggestions for crafts in Stepmom Magazine)…I love stuff like that and it’s so easy to make it fun for the kids. We have done all sorts of creative projects for the fall season and the holidays. I always take pictures that I intend to put on my blog…I’m hoping that maybe being in the Stepmother’s Milk spotlight will give me the little kick in the pants I need to spend more time posting!

Visit Wendy at Step in the Trenches

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Stepmom in the Spotlight: Julie from L.A.

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

julie Introducing Ms. December!

Ms. Julie from Los Angeles, CA and I met @ Stepchicks, the online community for steps, and bonded right away over our mutual affection for red lipstick, and that we’d both left our single, thirty-something lives behind to bunk up with a divorced dad and his kids.

Julie calls herself the “Lady of the House” and blogs about her “ambiguous adventures of a child-free Stepmom” at Junk Girls Journey

1) Julie, How old were you when you met your now husband? How did you feel about the fact that he came with the package deal: an ex-wife and a kid?

I was 33 when I met my husband, and we’ve been together nearly three years. We were both fresh from splitting from our exes, and I had no idea I’d end up marrying my “rebound” boyfriend. I had little contact with his ex-wife until after the six-month mark, when we decided things were serious. So initially, the concept of the “package deal” eluded me, but as our relationship progressed (and with “our,” I mean the one between my husband, my stepson, his mother, and me!), I realized I was up for a challenge. Initially, both my husband and I were open to having a child together, but since blending our family, that fantasy has long since waned.

2) What did/do your girlfriends think about you marrying into an “instant family?”

I can sum this up easily with a recent comment from one of my girlfriends familiar with my situation “I’m glad it’s you and not me, and that there are patient women like you who can put up with all this crap. Your husband must be pretty special.” Well said. I take this as a compliment. Thank you.

3) What’s your set-up? Does your stepson live with you full-time? Part-time? Do you think it would be easier or harder the other way around?

We have shared custody of my stepson, so we have him every Wednesday and Thursday nights, and every other weekend. I think this is a good set-up, as it forced me to adjust quickly, but it never allows me to get too comfortable in one situation or the other. Just when I’m feeling used to my stepson being here, he’s off to his mom’s. And after five days without him, he’s back, and I don’t feel quite as much like a newlywed alone with my husband. One positive is that my stepson doesn’t feel like an intrusion because he is here so often. We live together. He’s not just a visitor. As for how he sees me, I think he sees me almost like an older sibling. I try not to overstep my boundaries. He’s got a mom—I’m not out to replace her. But, of course, there’s been some sibling rivalry that comes along with this territory. Oddly, though, I’ve never once heard my stepson call me his stepmom, even though he knows the term.

4) How much control do you feel you have in the household? If you could change something what would it be?

I feel comfortable with the amount of control I have in my household. A fellow stepmom friend shared a wonderful tip with me. She called it the “Lady of the House,” which means that if your stepchild is doing something that interferes with the day-to-day operations of the house, you have a right to say something. For example, he’s throwing the football in the house and you don’t want him to. But, if it’s something like your stepchild isn’t doing his homework, it’s a parenting issue that’s better left to dad. This way, you are not crossing any of those “trying to be a mother” boundaries. So, asking myself whether it’s a “Lady of the House” issue or a parenting issue has helped me tremendously.

There are still times, though, where it is difficult to sit back and watch as decisions are made with which I don’t agree. If I feel strongly about an issue, I will talk to my husband about it, but I leave the decision-making up to him and remind myself that if things don’t turn out well in the long-run, my stepson is not my child and he’s ultimately not my responsibility.

5) What kind of role does your husband want you to have in the family? Do you agree on this?

I think that my husband is comfortable with the role I play now– as another member of the family who cares about his son. He respects that I’m not trying to be a mother, and he listens to my frustrations, concerns, and joys regarding stepmotherhood. He welcomes me to take part in family outings, but he never pressures me. He lets me choose my level of involvement, and I’m very thankful for that. I hear about a lot of stepmoms who feel like instant babysitters or maids. I can honestly say I’ve never felt that way.

6) What’s your husband’s relationship like with his ex-wife? What do you think of the debate over what’s more important: a healthy marriage or a healthy divorce?

My husband’s relationship with his ex-wife is civil. They work together well to make the best decisions possible for their son. (And the cliché about divorced moms getting easier to deal with once they get a boyfriend is true!) One thing that has been difficult for me to adjust to, however, has been what feels like the eternal presence of his ex-wife in our daily lives. She calls…a lot. She often calls when it’s our alone time, and it feels like she’s interrupting our experiences to ask non-essential questions. Of course, if it was an emergency, I’d understand. But, it never has been. And, sometimes I learned about plans they’d made that affect our schedule after the plans had been made. It has gotten better, but I started to question whether or not I really was the “Lady of the House” and not her. At times, I almost felt she was living with us. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s important to feel like you’re the current wife and in control of your home, not the ex.

7) Talk about the holidays…how do you plan on spending Christmas?

Coming from someone whose sole Christmas decoration is an Elvis “Christmas at Graceland” display, I’ve never been into the holidays. To me, the stress of creating the perfect joyful experience far outweighs the outcome. However, my stepson’s birthday is a couple of days before Christmas, and my new father-in-law’s birthday is on Christmas, so we have more fun celebrating those events. And, my stepson will be away for a week after Christmas, which leaves my husband and I rare week alone to escape together to Palm Springs!

8) If a girlfriend of yours was dating a man with kids, what would you tell her?

“I’m glad it’s you and not me, and that there are patient women like you who can put up with all this crap. Your husband must be pretty special.” Actually, I’d just tell her to hang in there, because it really does get easier over time, and it’s okay to lower your expectations of yourself. I would tell her this over and over again as many times as she’d need to hear it.

9) What has helped you the most throughout your “ambiguous adventures” of stepmotherhood?

I have to say that my real heroes during my stepmother journey are the childless stepmoms and the unmarried ones. I’ve been in both positions (and plan on staying a childess stepmom), and the nebulous roles for both are incredibly difficult to navigate. These women are truly courageous for forging their own paths, defining their own roles, and serving as role models for those of us who really need them. Me!

If you or someone you know would like to be the featured Stepmom in the Spotlight, shoot me an email: izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com

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Stepmom in the Spotlight: Traci Arbios

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

Introducing Ms. November!

Traci Arbios is a mom, stepmom, and working mom. She lives with and writes about her blended family of seven kids, five pets and one amazingly patient husband at www.herdingsquirrels.com. She’s also an editor and blogger on CentralValleyMoms.com, a newspaper-operated community site for moms in Central California. Her posts are syndicated through McClatchy-Tribune Information Services, appearing online and in print in about 30 some-odd cities across the U.S. Also she likes cheese. And we went to high school together.

1) Traci, you are a mom, stepmom and guardian to seven kids. Can you explain how your blended family came to be?

Oh my gawd, you know, seeing it there all written like that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. What the hell? Seven kids. Honestly, that is crazy.

And here’s the thing. It started out that I only had 3 kids, biologically speaking—which, as any mom can tell you, is one more than you have hands. That’s a fact. And then I fell for this guy who had 3 kids —don’t even get me started on hand counting—and we giggled at the whole, “We’re like the Brady Bunch!” idea. And then that joke was made about two-hundred-thousand-times by all of our friends during our first month of dating (we did have 3 boys and 3 girls, after all). And then somewhere in that span of time with all the jokes and reruns I began fantasizing about what our blended yumminess would look like. Christmas photos on the staircase. Matching acrylic sweaters. It was awesome.

Our oldest (my stepdaughter) is a rescuer. First she came home with a four-week-old kitten she’d rescued. Cute. Six weeks later, she’d “rescued” a puppy. Huh. Three months later, she came home with our soon-to-be-guardian daughter in tow. She’s the rescuer’s best friend, and was in a really unstable sleeping-on-the-mom’s-couch-while-mom-parties-all-night situation. She was practically living with us anyway, so making it official really only consisted of giving her drawer space and a toothbrush.

Since then we’ve put the kibosh on rescuing that requires cohabitation, from any family member. Period. And that’s how we came to be.

SIDE NOTE: When you’re in the middle of a whirlwind, all you see is whirlwind. It becomes normal. And this whole mish-mash of kids and pets and parents—we all really like each other. And have grown to love each other, even. We’re huge, yes, but we work and play well together.

2) Who lives in your house full time and how do you manage it (i.e remain sane)?

Our schedule has settled dramatically. Other than my two sons, who live with us during the school year and spend summers with their dad, the rest of the brood is basically with us full time. But juggling social schedules is much crazier right now; we’re more like a taxi service than individual parents.

In terms of maintaining sanity? I’m going through Lexapro like oyster crackers. Also, the “no guns are allowed in the house” (Airsoft not withstanding) dictum keeps things at an even keel, so we’re safe. Pretty much. Except for those steak knives.

3) Do you ever feel like you have different relationships with your bio-kids versus your steps? How do you spread the love?

Yes. Flat out, I do have different relationships with my bio-kids, because… well, I’ve been with them longer. I understand them more. In essence, I know how to motivate them and how to manipulate them (both of which are amazingly important tools in parenting). But I will say being a bio-mom completely gave me a leg-up on being a stepparent.

I really feel bad for the single gal who finds herself thrown into instant motherhood. (I’m looking at you here, Izzy). Any person who raises a kid must inevitably transition from being the center of her own Universe, to having her family be the center. One good thing about growing your own kids first is that one’s naturally selfish reaction as a new mother is lost on a newborn. Newborns, on the whole, don’t understand—or care—that you want time to yourself or need a nap or want to take a crap in peace or need space to feel human for awhile. And because that little nubbin is yours to keep, you have less guilt when you feel frustrated and want to throttle them.

But jumping in head first without ever having parented before? Uy. Stepkids… they arrive with someone else’s screw ups (and, okay, successes) intact. Those little monkeys have their own notions of parenthood and those notions and their related expectations—all of which are based on the hopes and the experiences of the child—are probably wildly different from yours—all of which were scrabbled together off the cuff and based on some Lifetime TV movie of the week. Worse, because stepkids are likely old enough to notice, you can’t hide your parental idiocies and mistakes behind the wall of “you’re my kid and you’ll love me no matter what.”

NEWSFLASH: I’m not actually their mom. They’re not hardwired to love me unconditionally. That’s a pretty big difference.

4) Discipline is a hot topic in the stepparenting world. How do you do it in your house?

Often. Also, fairly. I think having more kids, and everyone pretty-much with us full time, makes it easier for my household. There are rules, we all follow the rules, and there are clear consequences. You break a rule, likely it won’t get noticed by the overworked and harried parents but your siblings will rat you out in a nanosecond. The siblings also take note of who is punished and how, and make sure that we parents mete out justice equally amongst the transgressors. Thus, we both have to be even in the tough guy department. (A “No parent gets left behind holding the bag” policy, if you will.)

5) How did you meet your husband and what was your initial reaction when you learned that he came with kids from a previous marriage?

I met my husband on Cloud Nine in the Land of Perfect Men. Or you know, at work. I was divorcing, he was divorcing; we both hadn’t gotten any in a long time…

…sigh. We were both in the process of divorce when we began dating (which is the absolute wrong time to date, apparently). We’d worked together, so we knew about each other’s kids and in fact comingled at various work-related functions. It wasn’t a big deal, really, until the acrylic sweater fantasy began.

6) When do you and your husband get time alone?

About ten o’clock at night, when we crawl into bed.

7) What do you like to do together minus the kids (and yes I realize I just opened the door for you to say something depraved and dirty).

We like to have sex.

8) What’s harder- keeping the kids or the ex-wife happy?

The kids. The ex-wife and I don’t speak much—we never really have. And that’s not a me-thing, that’s a her-thing. She’s got her own stuff going on, and is pretty consumed in her own life right now. And she’s currently not involved with her kids, but I’m sure that once things settle down, we’ll continue our history of giving each other wide berth.

Okay, going back to that other question, what my husband and I do alone? We escape. Once a week we try to go on a date. It’s really critical. Sometimes our dates are full-on, dinner dates. Other times they consist of grabbing a cup of coffee at Starbucks and walking around World Market. We realized that not only do we need make time to be alone together, we actually want to be alone together. We take our marriage as seriously as our parenting, which I think couples sometimes forget to do. But whether it’s a Winco shop or a Ruth’s Chris getaway, we make time for us.

9) I love the title of your blog, Herding Squirrels. Where did this name come from? Are you the lead squirrel?

Well, thank you. The title for my blog came from something my dad used to say whenever my sisters and I got all our kids together. Trying to get a group of toddlers organized inspired a mix of desire, insanity and futility, which he likened to herding squirrels.

…And then a decade later I blend families with this awesome man. Suddenly, we have seven crazy squirrels all our own, all leaping to their own dances while my husband and I try to corral them down a path of success. Or, at least, out of our basement and away from the video games by the time they’re 40.

10) When did you launch your site and what do you like to write about?

Herdingsquirrels.com launched in 2007 and I write about… stuff. Whatever strikes me: parenting under different circumstances; surviving step parenting; politics; preparing easy meals for a large group; things that humor me; and my humble opinion are topics most often hit upon.

11) Do your kids read your site?
My kids occasionally pop in to read something, but only if I say “HEY GO CHECK OUT THIS THING I WROTE ABOUT YOU THAT YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO TELL ANYONE.” Mostly they’re too busy being awesome elsewhere to care what I write.

12) The idea of cooking for seven seems beyond daunting and I understand you’re the grocery shopper for the household. How do you fill your herd up on a daily basis?

I hear what you’re saying here, about the daunting. Each afternoon I break from the trappings of my glamorous corporate life and ponder whether I will be making dinner for nine, or just crawling into the fetal position with a bottle of wine. Most nights it’s a toss up. I get jealous of you sweet cherubic monkeys, ye who have families of three. Or four.

The decision to prepare dinner inevitably wins out. Hunger makes kids yowly, after all, and too many whiners while I’m drinking pisses me off. You know how that goes.

That said… my nine can be a tricky group to feed. Two of us are vegetarians. Two of us are obese. One of us is very underweight. One of us is very picky, and refuses to eat hardly anything of nutritional value, while two others of us load up our plates with massive amounts of food and season them with pepper or ketchup and eat maybe half of what we take. Only one of us eats everything, without complaint. That one is my favorite. (HINT: He’s also sexy and has a highly kissable nose.)

I actually enjoy being the cook for this family, in part because it guarantees casual wine consumption. But every afternoon, starting at 3:00, I stare at my computer screen, my mind’s eye focused on my larder and fridge. And I panic. So basically I feed my children panic. Well, panic and frozen peas, because vegetables are an important part of the diet.

13) I notice you’ve been nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger. What makes you the hottest of all?

My ass. Roundy at the top, flatty on the sitty part, poochy on the sides. That pretty much says it all. So go vote for me and my hot ass here .

13a) I must admit, since I’ve known you since high school, I am in awe when I look at pictures of you. You have hardly aged. What’s your secret? And is it legal?

Two words: Placental lining. Makes for a great facial. Legal? Not so much.

But that was an incredibly kind compliment to receive, and especially to hear it from you, lady of skin perfection and sultry glamour. In case the rest of you ladies are curious, Izzy looks—no joke—even better than she did in high school and college. Something in the set of her jawline, her knowing smile— or maybe it’s because she’s got that sexy smart-woman thing going on. Moreover, how is it possible, Izzy, that you look THAT GOOD while living off that Texas cheese-dip-food-stuff? I am in awe, sistah.

If you or someone you know wants to be the next Stepmom in the Spotlight, shoot me an email at izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com and flatter me like Traci has (see final quote) and I’ll consider it.

Cheers,

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Tags: herding_squirrels, stepkids, stepmom_spotlight, Stepmother's_milk, stepparenting, traci_arbios
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Stepmom in the Spotlight: Katherine Maguid

Sunday, October 11th, 2009

katherine Introducing Ms. October!

Katherine Maguid is a freelance writer and a creative nonfiction writing instructor. She’s a stepmother to two teenage sons and blogs regularly at the stepmom’s slice of life.

1) Tell us about your unique living situation with your step kids and your husband’s ex-wife?

My two stepsons live with their mother in Montreal, Quebec while my husband and I have lived in Michigan, Kansas, and are now planning on moving to England. For many people, the fact that my husband doesn’t live in Montreal near his sons might come across as a cold and callous decision that he made many years ago. But, to make a long story short, my husband’s work had been in the States for several years – even before his youngest son was born – and although he had been asked repeatedly to relocate for his work, his now ex-wife didn’t want to move. The arrangement they agreed on at the time was that he would travel 100% of the time and come home on weekends when he could. This proved to be quite an untenable situation.

Later, once he was divorced, he relocated to the States to continue with his job. The visitation arrangement that he and his ex-wife agreed upon was that he would visit the boys one weekend per month, and that they would come to our home three times per year: first, for a substantial part of their Christmas break, beginning the day after Christmas; second, for their spring vacation; and third, for half of their summer vacation. Thankfully, this is an arrangement that we will be able to continue once we move to England.

2) Why don’t you make the monthly visits to see the kids like your husband does?

There isn’t a visit that goes by that I don’t wish I were going along with my husband. However, after making the monthly visit to see the boys twice, it quickly became apparent that while my presence was welcome by the boys, it was also disruptive to their schedules. For example, the two times I went to Montreal we stayed in hotels. Although the kids seemed to really enjoy themselves, moving them out of their mother’s home for a weekend proved to be distracting to them, thus leaving them with no motivation to complete their homework and participate in sports activities. Instead, they looked at my visits and our stays in the hotels as mini-vacations – which they most certainly felt like – but in the end, the boys really needed to maintain their routine.

3) What’s it like to stepparent from afar? Do you feel like you are in a parenting role? What’s your relationship like with your stepsons?
It’s a challenge, that’s for sure. I think that the most difficult part of being a stepmother who only sees her stepsons essentially three times a year lies in the fact that the boys are constantly changing and going through new developmental phases. I know that these are all normal and signs of healthy children; however, it usually takes me a couple of days to play “catch-up” before I understand where they’re at with their own lives.

My relationship with my stepsons isn’t the traditional stepmother relationship. The boys certainly respect me as an adult, they listen to my rules for the house, and usually, we get along famously. We usually have a lot of fun together doing different activities, taking vacations, and just talking. We tell each other jokes, and they seem to really appreciate that I “get” teenagers back from when I was a high school teacher in the inner city of Detroit. Telling them my stories about how I dealt with those unruly teenagers never ceases to amuse and impress them. I think that the boys also appreciate the fact that I’m not a tightly wound individual. For the most part, I’m very laid back because there are so few things (at least with the kids) that could happen that make me lose my temper.

When the boys are back in Montreal, our relationship changes a great deal from being a stepmother and a person who is an authority figure in their lives. Instead, I seem to become like a much older cousin or adult “friend” who they can confide in and know that I’ll always tell them the truth. I love getting to speak with them on the phone, and it totally makes my day when they call just to talk with me. It’s during a lot of these conversations – particularly when their father is out of town and their mother is out of the house – that the boys confide in me about their friends, their mother and her boyfriend, school, and the bad influences they’re exposed to by other kids regarding peer pressure, alcohol, and drugs. I always feel privileged when the boys choose to seek me out to talk about things that are bothering them. I just hope that my advice is helpful to them.

4) Do you want to have children of your own? If no, talk a little bit about that. If yes, how do you imagine this might change the family?

I definitely want to have children of my own. My husband knew, even when we were dating, that I didn’t want to marry someone who didn’t want children. I think that any child that we might have would be a very positive thing for the boys. They would get a new definition of “family,” plus they’re old enough that they would continue to get to do all the fun things that they love doing with their father.

When they’re with us, I have often spoken with them about whether they would be all right with having a baby brother or sister. Right now, they’re still pretty convinced that they wouldn’t be related to a baby that was conceived by their father and me, but that’s an entirely different story. Nevertheless, over the years, they’ve definitely become a lot more comfortable with the idea, as long as I don’t forget about them. For example, their greatest concern right now is that I would no longer be “fun” to be around because I’d always be with the baby and that I’d force them to babysit. I keep trying to reassure them that those things wouldn’t happen, but like everything else, it will take them seeing it happen before they believe my words.

5) You’ve said that when you first became a stepmother you had “no one to turn to.” Where did/do you get your strength, support and advice?

My parents were killed in a plane crash many years ago – long before I got married. As a result, I didn’t have anyone who could give me advice as to how to “parent” my new stepsons. Starting out, I didn’t even have girlfriends who had children, and even now, none of my friends have children who are my stepsons’ ages (14 and 12). Even now, I only know two stepmothers personally.

Perhaps the greatest guiding force in how I wanted to be a stepparent came from one of my cousins, whose parents had divorced when he was quite young and then his father remarried. While I didn’t know my Uncle Ray or my new Aunt Kim particularly well, I did have a unique relationship with this cousin. What he hated and desperately wanted to escape from was the fighting that went on between his mother and his stepmother. He despised listening to the women bad-mouth each other, and it caused him and his siblings a great deal of distress when they’d hear their stepmother complaining about them (my cousin and his siblings) to my uncle. Once I decided to marry my husband, this was the one piece of inadvertent advice that I clung to: never, under any circumstances, say anything negative about my husband’s ex-wife when the kids were in our home.

One technique that I use when I’m frustrated or I’ve just reached my limit with the ex-wife or the boys, I remove myself from the situation in order to cool down. I go to my room and read a book, I drive around, or I go to the gym. I do whatever I can to try to avoid having my stepsons see my upset or frustration, because especially at their current ages, I will have just shown them how to push my buttons.

6) What is your relationship like with your husband’s ex-wife? If you could change it– what would it look like?

Our relationship is extremely complicated and superficially cordial. I think that the biggest thing I would like to change is for the lines of communication to be open between us instead of putting my husband or the boys in the middle of any kind of problem she might have with me. I’ve tried explaining to her in person on how I’d like to work together to solve problems, and although she agrees at the time, it just never comes to fruition. I well aware that I make mistakes – I’m human and I’m learning on the job with the boys, but I think it would be far more productive for us to talk directly with each other, particularly when she has a problem with me.

This summer, I discovered that by saying, “Guys, I just don’t really know your mother at all, so I can’t comment on what she has said,” worked really well. There was nowhere for the kids to go with this line, and if repeated to their mother, I wasn’t provoking any kind of argument, and I wasn’t putting the boys in the middle. My attempts to shut the conversation down when it comes to the boys repeating what they’ve overheard their mother says about me also has another motive: I want to set a good example about how adults should behave.

7) You have teenage stepsons. What advice do you have for the rest of us with teenagers in the house?

The biggest piece of advice I can offer is to grow a very, very thick skin. The moodiness, irrational temper tantrums, assertions of authority – all of it – are the same things that we did to our parents in one way or another when we were teenagers. Another great tactic I’ve discovered is to not react when they use these types of negative attention grabbers. My lack of reaction requires that they figure out a far more civilized way to talk with me in order for them to convey their needs.

Additionally, make sure that you and your husband have jointly laid down the ground rules about what’s expected and chores that need to be complete. This way, if your husband is at work and you’re alone with the stepchildren, then you can easily go through the checklist of tasks that they’re expected to do and reemphasize that these are rules created by their you and their father – not rules that you developed to make their lives miserable.

8) What has being a stepparent taught you about yourself?

Perhaps the greatest lesson that I’ve learned about myself is that I am far stronger and more flexible that I ever thought was possible. I have also learned how to get a whole lot better at being the bigger person when it comes to dealing with the ex-wife – a skill set that is highly transferable when dealing with other difficult people you may encounter in your life.

9) You started a blog earlier this year. Who are you hoping to reach out to?

My blog,thestepmomsliceoflife, is designed to reach out to stepmothers of all backgrounds and life situations. The vast majority of my stories apply to all stepmothers. I hope to reach childless stepmothers because, as a childless stepmother myself, I have learned that we form the lowest rung on the ladder of stepmothers, particularly when it comes to dealing with the ex-wife. Being a childless stepmother seems to give so many biological mothers (including my husband’s ex-wife) an excuse to look at us as merely glorified babysitters than as grown women who might have a myriad of life experiences involving children – experiences that could only help to deal with particular situations that the children are dealing with.

10) What would you tell a girlfriend who is contemplating marrying a divorced man with kids?

My friend would need to be as certain as possible that her husband would support her and back her up in all things – especially in front of the stepchildren and the ex-wife. As cliché as it sounds, she and her husband must agree to be a team and provide a united front when it comes to dealing with others, particularly the stepchildren.

I would ask my friend whether she was going to be willing to sacrifice, compromise, and be flexible, and, at times, put her needs behind those of her potential stepchildren.

Being a stepmother is, without a doubt, one of the most thankless and frustrating jobs I have ever encountered in my entire life. It can also be incredibly gratifying if you’re able to help your stepchildren overcome some of the angst or confusion they might be experiencing. It feels wonderful to be confided in and trusted by your stepchildren. On the other end of the spectrum, it feels horrible being the target of unwarranted insults, accusations, and destructive comments – all things that you will be powerless to stop. You can’t control what someone else does or says in their own home. You have to be willing to keep trying to be the bigger person, even if you really don’t want to be. My friend would have to accept that the bio-mother would be a permanent fixture in her stepchildren’s lives.

You need to know when to stand up for yourself and when to sacrifice. You have to figure out a way to make sure that the insults and drama – caused by either your stepchildren or their mother – don’t consume you; at the same time, you have to determine how to balance the potential negativity with maintaining your individuality and strength of character that makes you the woman who you are, including the woman who your husband fell in love with. You have to find an identity for yourself beyond just being a stepmother: you have a career, dreams for your future, perhaps children that you want to have one day, and you’re a wife. Most importantly, you must believe in yourself.