stepmothersmilk.com

Weird is the word in Texas.

Transplants from the Bay Area, The Husband and I were super psyched to participate in the Keep Austin Weird 5k and Festival this past weekend where locals run in ridiculously “weird” attire to the beat of local bands (well, not everyone as evidenced by our hum-drum outfits left).

Had I participated, I might have mimicked a pixie of a woman in metallic blue tights and a hot pink tutu. It wasn’t the weirdest outfit out there, but it appealed to my flashy Tinker bell side. What can I say? She sparkled.

In many ways, this is Austin’s version of the Bay To Breakers. Except for one distinct difference: there was no prancing and dancing in the fog. We ran like slugs in upper ninety degree heat. I have now fully grasped the term: Hotter Than Hell.

But, the beer and the Texadelphia cheese steaks at the end of the 3.1 miles almost made me forget my wheezing breath and disgusting butt sweat. That is, until Austin’s resident cross-dresser– Leslie-- passed by in a tuxedo g-string and a cowboy hat.

Keep Austin Weird- Amen.

Photos courtesy of Dieter VonSchramm

For Father’s Day, I thought it would be interesting to ask my stepdad of nearly thirty years about being a stepparent. He and my mother got together when I was nine when my mom and dad were still together, in effect breaking up my safe and simple family unit that consisted of me, mom and dad. If it sounds sad, it was, but I never blamed him– I didn’t see him as “the bad guy”, but as the man my mom fell in love with. And because I was so in love with her, I decided to give the guy a chance.

I quickly integrated the following words into my vocabulary: affair, separation and the big-D: Divorce. Other kids in the third grade had divorced parents, and while I never thought it would happen to our little threesome, it did and I remember thinking, just go with it, don’t be scared, this is just one of those things that happens. I wasn’t the type of kid that got angry and hostile, screaming things like, “You’re not my father!” I was quiet and calm. In fact, I’ve always been secretly proud of how well I handed it, but after years of therapy I’ve uncovered this: I have attachment issues. Big surprise, there.

I didn’t see him as “the bad guy”, but as the man my mom fell in love with.

My stepdad came with two daughters, Gigi and Piper, who became my big and younger sisters practically overnight. By the time I was ten, we’d all moved in together and I split my time schlepping between our house on the east end of town and my dad’s new house up north. Because I already had a “dad,” my new step kept his distance and now, three decades later, he explains himself to me.

“Your mother told me today you want to talk about step parenting…I was real worried about the ramifications of the whole thing and that included the impact it would have on you. My kids, (Piper especially), were solid proof of the difficulties marriage failures have on kids. When my First Wife and I were preparing to separate I worried about the kids and she said: Oh, don’t worry. Kids are resilient. That’s a lot of crap, and Piper was the perfect example.

So, when the time came to figure out what to do about [your mother and I getting together,] I was concerned…your dad called me, I think that is how it was, and said we should talk. We agreed to meet that afternoon at a bar on Fourth Street between Mendocino and the Mall…I got there early and had a double scotch. Your dad arrived and we talked. It was amazingly civil. Your dad, I think, asked what I was up to. I told him I’d fallen in love with his wife. I told him I was sorry but it was just true. I understood the difficulties this was causing you, that my personal experience with divorce and kids made me an expert, and that I would never try to do anything to get between him and you. He was pretty damn decent about the whole thing. He didn’t know where this was going and thought, perhaps, [your mother] would get over this lark with me and your household would be restored. We parted without anger. We didn’t shake hands. But he didn’t deck me. I thought that was nice. He had every right to.

I felt guilty about causing, or helping to cause, this separation from your father.

Well, the household was not restored and you know the rest. After a year, we all moved in together on Shortt Road and a year later [your mother] and I got married.

Step parenting was difficult. Not that you were difficult. You were not. And I wasn’t a jerk, at least I don’t think I was. But our relationship was a long simmer. I felt guilty about causing, or helping to cause, this separation from your father when you were with us and from your mother when you were with [your dad.] I avoided situations where I would have to “discipline.” Actually, I don’t think I ever played that role with you. I was afraid to and didn’t think I really had the standing to assume that role. You were not my blood kid and I helped cause the split and somehow I think I felt that precluded me from certain parental rights and obligations and duties. I ducked it. Left it to your mom. My dealings with you were in the context of my dealings with all three kids. There was safety in that.

Some months after we moved to Shortt Road, your mother asked me if I shouldn’t try to be more obviously close to you, to act more like a father. I said no. I said you had a father, and I was a step father and that it was going to take a long time for you and me to reach an accommodation and to get to know, understand, trust, like and maybe even love each other. I was not going to force anything. I felt that would have been artificial and phony. So, I didn’t do that and instead I’ve been on this long courtship. I think I made some breakthroughs with you over the years, and I think we’ve become pretty close. I am one of your leading champions.”

And as it turns out, I’ve become one of his. As a stepmom, I think I’ve followed suit in many ways. I haven’t pushed things with The Tall One and The Young One– sometimes I think I’m taking it too slow, but the nine-year-old in me remembers what it was like to have two sets of parents and the struggle that can develop over dividing loyalties. I appreciate what my stepdad did. By respecting my space, he respected my father and that grew into my strong respect for him.

For two people trying to keep safe distance, we’ve grown close– whether we were trying to or not.

Recently, I wrote a post called The Stepkid Shuffle, where I talked about the strain moving back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s puts on our stepkids.

I wrote: “Many of you wondered how to deal with snarly stepkids after they’ve returned from bio-mom’s house. I want to avoid sounding like Dear Abby, but I do think our stepkids are on the bigger roller coaster ride. The [stepkid shuffle] requires a lot of flexibility on the part of the kid.”

And now, an interesting comment in the forum asks– What about the Stepmom? How best can we expect to handle the back and forth?

A reader writes, “I think I am worse than the children when it comes to them changing houses…It dawned on me this past week that I am having trouble finding a smooth way to transition from being a newlywed childless woman to readjusting to being a parent… I often dread them walking in the door. It usually takes me about half an hour to be back to actually feeling “normal”.

Stepladies, what’s your advice? Add your comments to the forum.

Look for my longer post on the topic later this week. I’ll share my war stories.

Image courtesy of tomshardware.com

Mothers talk about that feeling. Unconditional, unquestionable and sometimes even, irrational love. The feeling that comes with having a child of your own. Absolute, instinctual love.

I’m certainly capable of l’amour, but without any children of my own, I don’t know what that maternal feeling feels like. And as a stepmom, where to get it. I imagine it must be similar to how I feel about my own mother. My father. My gram. I give my love freely to them without thinking about it. And I never run out. I always have more.

When The Husband and I first got together, there were many who assumed that I’d instantly fallen in love with his kids, too. And while that sort of generosity and sweet tenderness sounds like the kind of fairytale I’d love to star in, that just wasn’t the case. I liked the boys right away. I thought they were charming, but the love thing– it wasn’t there.

How many of you loved your stepkids at hello?

I know that sounds pretty awful, but how many of you loved your stepkids at hello? If there are any of you out there, I’d like to buy you a drink. You’re amazing! I wrote a post several months ago called The L-word that talked about the struggle many stepmothers have with that loving feeling. It received some amazing comments including a favorite, “Love doesn’t happen right away. I would worry if it did.” Since then, I have continued to wonder—am I ever going to feel IT… that distinctive mom love?

And will it come in a rush, blind me, shake me and transform me into a devoted Mother Mary of sorts? Or is it gradual and if so, how long before it takes effect?

My mother remembers the “moment” she felt motherly love for my two step-sisters. I confessed recently, “I don’t think I’ve had my moment.”

Many of you suggested in the forum post: Are Stepkids Enough Kids that we might never experience that type of pure love without having a child of our own. And that’s exactly what a lot of you have done. Here are some of your wonderfully insightful words:

“I wanted my own baby very much. I love my steps and my relationship with them has been very fulfilling, but I am not their mother. I needed to be someone’s mother.”

“This question has been a tough one for me. I was never particularly drawn to having kids of my own, and the idea of ending up with a teenage stepdaughter actually suited me well…Among the ironies here is that her dad is such a terrific father that watching him parent is one of the things that has nudged me toward wanting a child together.”

“Biological children were always part of the plan when Husband and I got married… I love his children, but I have always wanted to experience having children of my own.”

” I have myself wondered how a baby will change the existing family. I am worried for everyone involved- but not yet ready to give up my dreams of motherhood.”

“I came into the marriage with 2 kids and we had one of our own…he is the tie that binds… the one person who everyone in the house is related to.”

I think this is such an interesting discussion because there are so many different players to consider, varied emotions and perspectives. And once again, your collective voice teaches me so much.

I’ve never been sure that I wanted my own kids. At this point, I really feel like my stepkids are enough kids. For me, my hands are more than full and adding a newborn to the mix might just put me in the nuthouse. However, my feelings might change. I’ve been known to surprise even myself (and I have been warned by my mommy friends that once the clock starts ticking, there’s no turning the damn thing off). So, in the event that I get myself knocked up and end up in the delivery room birthing my own, who out there is available to baby-sit?

As a mother, I’m a virgin. I am a stepmom who has birthed no babes of my own. In fact, I’m not sure I ever will. For years, I have joked that I have no biological clock, or that I was born with a broken one– I’ve never heard so much as a tick. It’s not that I’m a cruel kid-hater, I’ve just never longed for a baby. For now, my two stepkids are enough kids, but I’ve wondered if this will always be the case. And if my feelings change, will I struggle like many stepmoms do when they add a baby to their blended mix?

This quote comes from a post in the Stepmother’s Milk Forum…

“Husband and I are going to start trying to conceive-which is exactly what I have always wanted. My whole life I have looked forward to being a mother. All of the sudden I am feeling worried and sad about bringing a baby into our family. I don’t want [my stepkids] to think they are being replaced…”

I encourage you to join the discussion. Are stepkids enough kids? How does adding a baby change the stepfamily?

Look for my Friday post where I continue this conversation.

My parents divorced when I was nine and married others when I was ten. They stayed in the same town, moved into separate homes and agreed on a 50/50 shared custody split. This is how life changed for young Izzy within one year:

Age 9:
1 house
1 bedroom
1 set of parents
1 cat

Age 10:
2 houses
2 bedrooms
2 sets of parents
2 stepsisters
2 cats

Not to mention, 2 house keys, 2 phone numbers and 2 different routes to school. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most confusing part: two new sets of rules! I went back and forth between the two houses– you guessed it– every two weeks.

Moving back and forth…is a bit of a drag

I call this the stepkid shuffle, or “the schlep.” It’s the trek a child of divorce often makes between mom’s house and dad’s. I speak from experience, so I’ll be frank- moving back and forth is not a lot of fun. In fact, it’s a bit of a drag. Yes, the routine does inspire efficient packing skills, but at age ten, is this really necessary? Every couple weeks, I’d pack up my loot in an orange duffel bag and haul it out to the curb and wait for pick-up. While, I was always excited to be reunited with the parent I’d missed, the departure was unnerving, and I have to believe my reaction was absolutely normal and unavoidable. What kid wants to split her world in half?

As far as divorce goes, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. My parents never slung hurtful words at each other, I never doubted their devotion or love for me and I accepted what I couldn’t change: we’d never share a single home again. Mom’s house and Dad’s were both warm and welcoming to me and yet still, it always took some time to settle in. I think this is a monumental struggle for many stepkids. Settling in. Readjusting to a new set of walls and doors, a new stepfamily down the hall.

“Kids like stability, my current therapist in Austin tell me. It makes them feel safe.”

This makes sense. I can remember feeling like as soon as I relaxed into the pattern at one house, it was time to pack up again and return to the other. Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck. I never pitched any fits (I’m more of the repressed anger type), but I can understand why some kids do. Think about it. Have you ever returned from a trip on a Sunday night and dragged yourself into work the very next morning? Yuck, right? I’ve been in this situation and it’s draining, disorienting and it puts me in a pissy, funky mood. I always kick myself for not taking one more day off to decompress, clear my head, snap out of it and get back in the groove. I think it must be a little bit like this for our stepkids who divide their time between two houses, often several times within one week! It’s no wonder they often act like little jerks.

Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck.

I try to keep all this in mind with my stepsons, although admittedly, it’s hard not to take their attitudes personally. When The Tall One refused to hug me in the airport after he returned from his mom’s after the holiday, I was hurt. Instead of forgiving him and acting “mature,” I sulked a bit and considered putting him back on the plane. As much as our stepchildren’s sweetness can break our hearts, their callousness can drive a dagger right through it.

So, what’s my advice to stepmoms? Many of you wondered how to deal with snarly stepkids after they’ve returned from bio-mom’s house. I want to avoid sounding like Dear Abby, but I do think our stepkids are on the bigger roller coaster ride. The “schlep” requires a lot of flexibility on the part of the kid. It takes some time to recover from all that back and forth movement.

I can’t guarantee this will work, but try not reacting to rude or insensitive behavior within the first 72 hours. Kids are professional punks when they’re tired or their emotions are fried. Give them some time (a grace period, if you will) to shake off the old routine and settle into the new one. And expect some reluctance and sourpuss moods. They’re being forced to shift loyalties between parents. This is a potential minefield. Get out of the way. Call a girlfriend. Stay calm.

Now, that said, as a new stepmom, I can tell you that when I get taunting comments like “that’s not how we do it at mommy’s,” I want to throw their toys in the trash (I’ve never done this). Usually, I give them a strained grin and pour myself a glass of wine. I know that if I play the comparison game, I’ll lose, so I try not to go there. Plus, what they do at their mother’s house is irrelevant! I’ve made this point, “When you’re in my house, you’re expected to follow my rules.” After about three days, they start to get it.

To join the original discussion started in the forum, click here.