stepmothersmilk.com

I’ve discovered a new stepmom blogger. She goes by Chelle and she has written a thoughtful post outlining the pros and cons for blogging about the ex-wife relationship.

Here’s an excerpt…

” Don’t throw things onto your blog that you’ll wish you could take back… Try to find empathy for your counter-mom. She just might do the same for you. She brought that beautiful child to life, and no matter how many reasons you believe you have to be angry and even combative, nothing changes that. As the mom she deserves more. As the step-mom, so do you. Create a bond. Find reasons to love her. She will be in your life forever.”

Since launching Stepmother’s Milk, I have felt torn over what I should and should not write about when it comes to the EX. I created this platform for myself so that I could write honestly, but I have to be careful. My step-darlings read my site and I don’t see how it will ever benefit me to bash their mother. Talk about a recipe for disaster.

Plus, I’m not a big fan of conflict, so given the choice– I avoid it. That said, there have been particular situations where I felt compelled to speak up– not because I was looking for a fight or to simply bitch-bitch, but because I needed some guidance. Are my feelings valid or am I out of my mind?

When I write about the EX, it’s because I need my stepladies to help me get clear. I created this site to build a community of like-minded stepmoms– not to grow my relationship with the EX. Do I need to be fair to my husband’s ex-wife? Yes. Should I be decent? Absolutely. But, when it comes down to it, this site is not about her– it’s about me.

Ladies, I came across this post from a site called The Charly Mag: Note To Ex-Wives and because I can’t say it any better myself, I encourage you to read it here.

It resonated with me because I continue to struggle with my own definition of boundaries within the stepfamily. I am the second wife, without kids of my own and the newest addition to a family that existed long before I came along.

I found out pretty early on that I wasn’t comfortable jumping on board without stating clearly, “Hey move over. Make some room for me!” I knew I had to honor my own voice, but as a consequence– it’s been a bit of a bumpy ride. I continue to question myself… When are the needs and considerations of the collective family more important than my individual wants, including my own vision of what a family should be?

When I sat down this morning with my first cup of coffee and read, “Change and compromise is necessary in the blended family. It isn’t fair for you [ex-wife] to expect the current wife to embrace your way of thinking and doing things. Remember that she might have children as well and/or her own way of thinking. Just because she has chosen to marry a man with children and fully accepts his children and all the mayhem that comes with it, doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a mind of her own before deciding to do so,” I said out loud: THANK YOU CHARLY.

Give it a read and then let’s discuss.

Here’s what I want to know. Many of you have written about your relationship with your husband’s ex– The one that goes by the popular title: Bio-mom. Some of you get along famously, some do not, some are still trying to make nice, some won’t hear of it! Whatever your circumstance, where are your husbands on this? Does he have a strong opinion or a preference on what type of (if any) relationship you have with his ex? Does he want you to be friends? Or does the idea of the two of you chatting on the phone and meeting at the Outlet Mall make him squirmy? If you and the ex become pals, would you describe it as an exclusive sisterhood or do the three of you– new wife, ex-wife and the man that brought you together– hang out? I apologize for all the questions, but I’m so very curious.

This is the forum topic I’m putting out there this week. I’m giving it a supermarket tabloid title: Do our men want us to be pals with the EX?

Does the idea of the two of you chatting on the phone and meeting at the Outlet Mall make him squirmy?

When my husband and I first got together, he was still pretty tight with his ex-wife and he tried to facilitate a friendship. Basically, I’d just drive over to her house with him to pick up the kids and stand quietly in the entryway while they discussed homework and weekend schedules and then I’d watch the kids give mom lingering hugs and kisses goodbye. It was usually awkward– I felt like an outsider, totally insignificant and yeahhh– I pretty much hated it. I usually drank a lot afterwards. I was big into the dry martinis back then.

I appreciated The Husband’s gesture to push us together, but I made the argument more than a few times that this was not his job, but rather our work (hers and mine) to do if we wanted to establish a friendship. So, we tried (not whole-heartedly) and it never really took off– not yet anyway. Sometimes I wonder if we do become friends (the kind that get together for lunch and shameless gossip) where will The Husband fit in? Sitting at the table with us or stashed at home? Left out or one of the girls?

Ladies, do spill.

My parents divorced when I was nine and married others when I was ten. They stayed in the same town, moved into separate homes and agreed on a 50/50 shared custody split. This is how life changed for young Izzy within one year:

Age 9:
1 house
1 bedroom
1 set of parents
1 cat

Age 10:
2 houses
2 bedrooms
2 sets of parents
2 stepsisters
2 cats

Not to mention, 2 house keys, 2 phone numbers and 2 different routes to school. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most confusing part: two new sets of rules! I went back and forth between the two houses– you guessed it– every two weeks.

Moving back and forth…is a bit of a drag

I call this the stepkid shuffle, or “the schlep.” It’s the trek a child of divorce often makes between mom’s house and dad’s. I speak from experience, so I’ll be frank- moving back and forth is not a lot of fun. In fact, it’s a bit of a drag. Yes, the routine does inspire efficient packing skills, but at age ten, is this really necessary? Every couple weeks, I’d pack up my loot in an orange duffel bag and haul it out to the curb and wait for pick-up. While, I was always excited to be reunited with the parent I’d missed, the departure was unnerving, and I have to believe my reaction was absolutely normal and unavoidable. What kid wants to split her world in half?

As far as divorce goes, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. My parents never slung hurtful words at each other, I never doubted their devotion or love for me and I accepted what I couldn’t change: we’d never share a single home again. Mom’s house and Dad’s were both warm and welcoming to me and yet still, it always took some time to settle in. I think this is a monumental struggle for many stepkids. Settling in. Readjusting to a new set of walls and doors, a new stepfamily down the hall.

“Kids like stability, my current therapist in Austin tell me. It makes them feel safe.”

This makes sense. I can remember feeling like as soon as I relaxed into the pattern at one house, it was time to pack up again and return to the other. Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck. I never pitched any fits (I’m more of the repressed anger type), but I can understand why some kids do. Think about it. Have you ever returned from a trip on a Sunday night and dragged yourself into work the very next morning? Yuck, right? I’ve been in this situation and it’s draining, disorienting and it puts me in a pissy, funky mood. I always kick myself for not taking one more day off to decompress, clear my head, snap out of it and get back in the groove. I think it must be a little bit like this for our stepkids who divide their time between two houses, often several times within one week! It’s no wonder they often act like little jerks.

Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck.

I try to keep all this in mind with my stepsons, although admittedly, it’s hard not to take their attitudes personally. When The Tall One refused to hug me in the airport after he returned from his mom’s after the holiday, I was hurt. Instead of forgiving him and acting “mature,” I sulked a bit and considered putting him back on the plane. As much as our stepchildren’s sweetness can break our hearts, their callousness can drive a dagger right through it.

So, what’s my advice to stepmoms? Many of you wondered how to deal with snarly stepkids after they’ve returned from bio-mom’s house. I want to avoid sounding like Dear Abby, but I do think our stepkids are on the bigger roller coaster ride. The “schlep” requires a lot of flexibility on the part of the kid. It takes some time to recover from all that back and forth movement.

I can’t guarantee this will work, but try not reacting to rude or insensitive behavior within the first 72 hours. Kids are professional punks when they’re tired or their emotions are fried. Give them some time (a grace period, if you will) to shake off the old routine and settle into the new one. And expect some reluctance and sourpuss moods. They’re being forced to shift loyalties between parents. This is a potential minefield. Get out of the way. Call a girlfriend. Stay calm.

Now, that said, as a new stepmom, I can tell you that when I get taunting comments like “that’s not how we do it at mommy’s,” I want to throw their toys in the trash (I’ve never done this). Usually, I give them a strained grin and pour myself a glass of wine. I know that if I play the comparison game, I’ll lose, so I try not to go there. Plus, what they do at their mother’s house is irrelevant! I’ve made this point, “When you’re in my house, you’re expected to follow my rules.” After about three days, they start to get it.

To join the original discussion started in the forum, click here.

I am a newish stepmom and have birthed no babes of my own, so for me, parenting is like changing careers: you study to become a chef and you end up teaching history to fourth graders (I’ve done neither. I’m no culinary pioneer, nor do I remember important dates). But, you get the idea: Plugging into a ready-made family can be a big adjustment with a sizable learning curve. It’s why I started Stepmother’s Milk- so we can educate each other, and to trick our stepkids into thinking we know what we’re doing.

As the holiday approached, I wrote about the common struggle that divorced couples share: who gets the kid(s) Christmas morning? I focused on the situation I was faced with early on when The Husband and his ex preferred to celebrate the holiday together rather than split the kids up. I wrote a post of contention from the stepmom point of view:

“ I didn’t want to spend every Christmas morning with the ex-wife; that wasn’t my tradition. So, I had to question the way things were done. At the time I thought, there may be only one of me …but don’t I get a say? “

I received some excellent comments that validated how complicated fitting into an existing family can be. It turns out; I’m not the only woman out there attempting to juggle the needs of herself, her husband, his kids and ex-wife. So, to all of you who took the time to share your stories (and help me feel less selfish and neurotic) – I raise my nog to you. We made it through. Like my stepdad always teased me and my stepsisters after we finished tearing open gifts, “Well girls, that’s another Christmas under our belts. Time to clean it up.”

That’s another Christmas under our belts.

But, before we take down the tree and move on to the next year, I want to say a word or two to my stepkids: The Tall One and The Young One, who spent the holiday alone with us (sans their mother) in Texas this year…

Thanks for being sweet guys and good sports. I know it can’t be easy to have your parents living a plane ride apart (especially on Christmas morning), but you handled yourselves with good humor and without complaint. From someone who has been a stepkid for nearly three decades, I can tell you that divorce does complicate things and sometimes it will really get on your nerves, but overall, gaining new grand-parents, aunties, uncles and cousins is pretty cool. You saw how many gifts were under the tree this year. You know what I’m talking about. Plus, you get to create new traditions, like going to the Trail of Lights on Christmas Eve’s Eve and hold onto the ones you really love, like sleeping in Christmas morning (what kid does this?) And then, you get to do it all over again in a few days when we fly you to your mom’s to celebrate the New Year.

An extended family is a pretty good deal depending on how you look at it. Consider this: if we tried to get everyone in your immediate and step family around a tree, it would be nearly impossible. Tree farms don’t grow Douglas fir’s that tall and while Home Depot might sell one this big, you know I’ve snobbishly boycotted trees that come in a box… unless we can find one that is cotton candy pink and covered in glitter.

Maybe next year.

Image courtesy of Austin City Connection

I’ve been brooding over a comment that was posted in the SMM forum all week. Every time I think I’m ready to respond, my blood pressure starts climbing up (or I imagine it does, anyway). The post is titled Too Much Togetherness and it touches on a very touchy subject: what are the expectations of the stepmom during the holidays?

The following is an excerpt from a stepmom who is struggling with how to play nice during the holidays with her husband’s ex, who wants to spend Christmas night (as in slumber party) at her house. Here’s an excerpt:

“… For several years after the split, neither parent had a significant other, so they spent all of their holidays together. Their Christmas tradition included mom sleeping over, and that [tradition] continued even after dad and I started dating… Both mom and dad are resistant to having separate holidays because neither wants to be without their daughter.”

This scenario sounds very familiar.

The Husband (before he was the husband) had a similar arrangement going with his ex. She was re-coupled (and even had a new baby), but he was single. In the interest of keeping the family intact during holidays, the collective circus (there were 6 of them) all celebrated together.

What are the expectations of the stepmom during the holidays?

The first Christmas Eve we were dating, he spent the night on his ex-wife’s couch, woke up the next morning, put the coffee on and greeted everyone when they came downstairs in their pj’s to start opening presents. When I asked about this very cozy party, he explained, “It’s just how we’ve always done it.”

Who was I (the new girlfriend) to question it, although I wondered A) how does the ex’s new man feel about spending all his holidays with the ex-husband? And B) how are the boys processing this? Two men under the tree and just one of Mom. Is this what divorce looks like?

But, I went along with it until the next year and then I piped up. I had to. I wanted to know what the expectations were. Honestly, I didn’t want to spend every Christmas morning with the ex-wife; that wasn’t my tradition. So, I had to question the way things were done. At the time I thought, there may be only one of me and six of them, but if I’m going to join the family, don’t I get a say?

I understood the common argument that says, you don’t split the kids up between mom and dad on a holiday. I’m a stepkid, so I know how it goes. It’s a hassle. The upside is that two houses on Christmas morning mean more presents. Actually, it’s a pretty good deal for a kid.

Since the year I turned nine and my parents divorced, I’ve spent every Christmas separately with my mom and dad. And, you know, it’s been just fine. I adapted to the seperation. New traditions were made and I have fantastic memories, and no regret. Never have I lamented…if only we were all together like old times.

Sometimes I wonder when parents say they don’t want to juggle their kids between houses on a holiday… is it really about the needs of the kids or is it about the parents, and their guilt for dissolving a marriage and seemingly breaking up a family? That split becomes unavoidably clear when your kid has two stockings: one for Mom’s house and the other for Dad’s.

Either way, I guess any arrangement is dandy as long as it works. In my case, it seemed to be humming along nicely enough until I came along. All of a sudden, Daddy had a girlfriend and we weren’t both going to fit on his ex-wife’s couch. By year two, I wanted us to have our own tree and our own coffee to make. That’s fair, no?

Just because there’s only one of me, I still have a say, don’t I?

Truthfully, I felt a bit selfish requesting a change of venue, but why should I be expected to plug into the family power strip like some tag-a-long extension chord? It’s a lot to ask of a person. You meet the man of your dreams, but he has kids, an ex-wife and a lifetime of habits nobody wants to change. How do you fit in?

Here’s what I think. I, or any other stepmom, can’t fit in to an existing family unless everyone (kids and parents included) can let long-standing dynamics shift and be willing to welcome in a new member who has her own voice. I think that was my hardest struggle early on- thinking that I’m supposed to do all the compromising and just slide into a ready-made family without making a peep. Well, that’ll just drive you to drink. Believe me.

This Christmas will be our fourth and it will be our own. Festivities will be held in Texas and the short guest list will include The Husband, The Tall One, The Young One and I (their mother will have them the week after New Years). We’ll have a live tree, lots of contemporary carols and gooey pizza bagels (that comes from my side of the street). The men will serve their favorite Sarah Lee coffee cake, sleep in until eleven and nap in the afternoon. Some traditions shouldn’t be messed with, but they can evolve.

Photo courtesy of Davis Christmas Tree Farm