GUEST BLOGGER: Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family
In the old days, my lawyer friends tell me, child custody/visitation agreements used to be vague and loose. It was common for the non-custodial parent, almost always the father, to have the kids on alternate weekends with seasonal and reasonable longer visits in the summer. Divorced couples usually alternated the holidays. Sounds fair, one would think, back then.
But times have changed. More visitation is exercised now…. and they don’t call it “visitation” in the court system. They now call it “parenting time” so as to put everybody on equal footing. Divorced couples today demand more. They claim, “It’s only fair that I get the kids at least half time!” Take Bill for example. He and his ex wife live miles apart, completely across town from each other. They share custody of their two school aged children with a 50-50 time split. During his weeks with the kids, Bill is on the road early to take the kids to school and returns again in the afternoon to pick them up. He shows up at almost all of their games and after school activities. He and his new wife live in a big new house with her two children. He desperately wants his kids to feel welcome and at home in his new stepfamily.
That’s what’s happening these days. It takes a lot of sacrificing and work to get enough time with the kids. As parents they naturally want to provide the best of the best. It seems equally important, however, for some ex-spouses to compete with each other over the kids. My question is what drives this need and is it in the best interest of the kids? And how does it affect new stepcouples and stepfamilies?
Precious time is lost when kids are always on the run.
I’m amazed to see how far parents will stretch themselves to be what they think are good parents after divorce and remarriage. I suspect some want to make up for what they weren’t before? Somewhat guilt driven, they try harder. But is it good parenting to exhaust yourself and the kids by driving back and forth between homes, schools and after school activities like this? Precious time is lost when kids are always on the run. It’s anything but quality time. The important question is “Can children stay connected, feel loved and cared for by divorced bio parents… but not have to be driven grueling long distances to accomplish this?
These are hard questions with no easy answers.
I would urge all parents of back and forth children to do some serious soul searching about what is truly in the best interest of the kids. Begin by having a conversation with yourself and your partners. Understand the difference between ‘quality time vs. quantity time’? Put yourself in the kids’ shoes. Kids don’t want inconveniences. They want to be with their friends. And yes, they need to be with their biological parents. They want to fit in and belong in both families. But mostly they want normal and happy lives…don’t we all?
To be honest, solving these almost impossible problems and making everyone happy is just about as easy as solving our health care needs in this country. But don’t give up trying!
Susan Wisdom is a licensed professional counselor and author of Stepcoupling. She blogs regularly at Stepcoupling.com
Tags: divorce, divorced_couples, stepcouples, stepfamily, stepkids, visitation_rights
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I guess we are “old school” we have the girls (the father) most of the time and their mom gets them every other weekend and shared holidays with the option in the summer – she so far hasn’t taken that option, but she could. I think it works well for us… I agree though you raise a lot of tough questions! Well put and I know will leave all who read it pondering.
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Love your post on this. I agree. There is no one perfect formula. The most important part is that mother and father put the children and their needs first. In my situation, I’m remarried and my ex-husband moved down the street from us. Everyone thought it was strange but it is good for the kids and it works for us. The kids have the same friends, same school, same activities. If they forget something at Dad’s, it takes two minutes to get it. And it’s great for the kids to see us get along so well. When you see your children bear the fruit of your working along side your ex-spouse, it is very motivating to continue that positive co-parenting relationship. My kids do see their dad more now than they ever did and we actually don’t follow “the court document.” We meet once a quarter at a neutral place (usually a coffee shop or fast food restaurant) and go over schedules. But we are very flexible and our children benefit from it.
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Wow. I really wonder what this post is all about. I am married to an amazing man with three elementary age kids. We get them half time — a week on and a week off. Initially, the kids always wanted to be at their dad’s house when with their mom and their mom’s house when with us. The first year of the separation was particularly hard as the mom moved to Wisconsin with her parents, leaving the dad to clean up from their divorce in Illinois — two hours away. Ke could only see the kids every other weekend until he found a job and home in Wisconsin. We met several months later. By then he was getting 1/2 time custody, but the children were clinging to him like burdock. They wouldn’t let him out of their site. Although their mom had always been a stay-at-home mom, they adored their father as well and really suffered a lot of anxiety that they were losing their father during the long separation when he only saw them weekends. Their mother tried to convince them that the separation was good for everyone, but the week-to-week schedule, while hard, at least gave them their parents half time.
We got married last April and things are so much better. The children have regained their independence and are well adjusted. Mom attends all sporting events which Dad usually coaches. The Mom and I actually sit together and chat, which wouldn’t have been possible a year ago. The other night, Colin said to me that at first he hated divorce, but now it’s not so bad. (I tuck him in every night and we take a few minutes to talk over what’s on his 10-year-old mind.) He’s always happy at his dad’s where things are done one way, and then he’s happy at his mom’s. We have slightly different rules in each house — we’re stricter about bed times, manners and homework and are into museums, travel and horsebackriding and their mom’s more into arts and crafts and cuddle time. It’s a great blend. Both parents are more able to express their parenting style, so the kids get the benefit of both.
I think children desperately need their parents in their lives. I think seeing their father or mother on every other weekend and for other periods during the summer denies them the ability to develop intimacy with them. I think that for the 2 months we traveled 1/2 hour each way to school while we were looking for a house gave us some fun quality talk time in the car.
I think the situation is always what you make of it. And a lot of times parents try to figure out what’s in it for them in the schedule is arranged a different way, they’re just trying to pretend it’s all about the kids. Kids need both parents. Period.
Great stories, Lisa and Heather! Thanks for reading and sharing. Just goes to show you how flexible and motivated stepfamilies can be in raising kids and stepkids in collaboration with the former spouses. You both deserve kudos to be so tuned in to what’s in the best interest of the kids. And kudos to those exspouses too.
Susan
I wish we had 50/50 with the child for whom it would be feasible. His mom lives within 10 blocks (a 5 minute drive), his school is about half way between our respective home. It would completely shift the nature of the time we have together as a family. Right now it’s every other weekend and 1 night a week and 1 afternoon a week. Unfortunately, this creates a kind of “Disneyland” dilemma – because time is so short with the child, it’s coveted and as a result there’s extrordinary efforts to make it special (ie. always having to do something special when it’s a kids’ weekend). Further, we don’t ask much of the kids when they’re with us in terms of chores and we wind up being more protective of the time than we’d be otherwise.
Its circumstantial, but where it’s workable 50/50 is really ideal!
This is a great post, and something we had to take into consideration when going from an every other weekend situation to 50/50. The only reason we even did this was for the kids adn their best interest. The BM started working nights and most weekends and was never around. Not to mention that her BF of only a few months moved in and they were left alone with him a lot. The kids didn’t like it, and at the time we were living an hour away (with no traffic) and it wasn’t really possible for them to stay with us when mom wasn’t around. Even every other weekend the drive was terrible and the kids hated wasting all that time in the car…not to mention that their friend’s parents wouldn’t allow their kids to come to our house because we were “so far away”, and the kids had a hard time making new friends near us that they would only see every other weekend. We finally decided to rent out my house, and move by the kids for more custody and to make things easier on the kids. My commute to work is now an hour each way instead of 10 minutes…FH works from home and the kids get to see him as soon as they are home from school and he takes them to school in the mornings even though they could take the bus. The kids have their own rooms and their own stuff so they never have to pack anything other than school books and such. The BM is more of a nightmare now that we are only a mile down the road, and I could really do without living in the same small town with her, BUT the kids are happier which makes FH and I happier. They are getting better grades, their relationship with both parents is healthier, and my relationship with them has grown immensely. We know their friends and make it to all of their last minute events. For us it’s worth it, but if the kids didn’t want it this way my FH wouldn’t fight for his “50%” just because he wanted it. He’s been really flexible with what is best for the kids. All kids are different but I agree with Lisa…kids need both of their parent’s around. To bond, to be part of their daily lives, and to really get to know who the kids are and what their lives are like on a regular basis.
No stepfamily is “normal”. No family in general is “normal”. Normal is all in what you make of it :)
I strongly beg to differ. I have been pondering this article since yesterday. Here’s why.
As a female who appreciates equal rights, I am so happy that my spouse struggled his arse off just to get what he deserved – his paternal equal rights – 50% custody and visitation with HIS OWN children. I would not have wanted it any other way for him. But he did have to fight and spend most of his $$ on a good lawyer just to get this as the BM is evil. And so are the courts.
Yes, the kids commute 3 miles b/w homes once a week. While they are in that car, they communicate and bond with dad (mom never drives go figure). One of his divorced friends once told him that the bright side of picking up all the slack in driving the kids to all sports related events (another evil BM) is more aka “bonus” time with his OWN children. We agree. It sucks that mom is too lazy to drive or go see (or pay for) sporting events of her own children, but dad and me the SM get all that much more bonding time – yay us! That’s the bright side.
Kids are maturing and learning valuable skills and getting what they need in these split situations – paternal love and continued support from paternal side of the family. If we suggest supporting the old model of suppressing fathers and continuing to default to mothers having 100% of everything, we are not helping our children. Further, we are further hurting the fathers.
I ask – Where in the marriage contract or on the birth certificate do fathers sign that says in case of divorce (no matter if he caused it or it was her infidelity etc) he gets screwed 100%. You surrender your children, your relationship with them and please surrender lots of money too – thanks.
When me and my ex-wife had a divorce early this year, we tried our best to explain it to our kids and for them to accept it soon. My ex-wife used a kids’planner/organizer which really helped them cope up with this situation. So far, they have been doing ok. Thanks to co-panning-manager.com (http://4help.to/children) and its kids’planner.
As I said, every family is different. Every family has to negotiate a plan suitable for themselves as well as the kids. Sometimes kids live with Mom primarily, some kids live with Dad. Other divorced families send the kids back and forth and do just fine. It doesn’t really matter if it’s handled well. Then people are able to adjust. And thank heavens for calendars and planners/organizers. Thanks, Derek.
Wow! This issue has been a struggle for me, so I really appreciate hearing what everyone else has done. Our situation is that we split time 50/50, which I am fine with – BUT IT IS EVERY OTHER DAY! Makes it totally confusing as to who owns what driving. As the BM always tries to dump driving on us (why is this a trend with BMs?), this has been a struggle. And it is exhausting for my step-kid. She wanted to switch to 3 days/4 days but her BM said it would not work for her schedule. Always about the BM. I have put my foot down on the driving – hopefully doing the right thing. So far the BM has screamed at my FH once because he was not “helping her out”. I am not willing to have my FH drive the step-kids to her house for her because she it too lazy to pick them up from school on her days. We did that for 1 year, and not one “thanks”. She demanded that we help. Even when my FH started driving to sports practices and asked her to pick up her driving, she complained. That put an end to us helping – as he could see how insane she was being.
I wish, wish, wish we could just go to 3 days/4 days…. At least my step-kid will be driving soon : )
Where, oh where is Izzy Rose? Could she have succumbed to baby fever?
I was sucked into these comments, very interested to see what everyone had to say. I am the stepmom, or as I prefer to say, the Female Head of My Household, as the kids already have a mom. Anyway, I digress. This isn’t warm and fuzzy, but it is our reality — my SD is 16, SS is 12. We have them one week on, one week off, swapping on Mondays. The question was posed earlier if this was in the best interest of the children. For long reasons I won’t explain right now, I’d say no. HOWEVER, “the best interest of the children” being the measure of what to do is not always possible. Even though my husband and I have talked about how the time has perhaps come for the kids to be with one parent (logically their mom, who doesn’t work, since my husband works 60 hours a week). But we can’t afford it. If we dropped our nights per year to the level dictated by an every other weekend schedule, my husband’s child support payments would go up approximately $1,500 per month. I stopped working when I had my 15 month old son. Doing the right thing for the SD and SS would mean I would have to go back to work and put my son in day care and that would happen over my dead body.
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I loved this article—mostly because it articulates something that is often felt but goes unsaid.
Children are not property. They aren’t to be divided like all the other “possessions” in a divorce. Children are individuals who have differing needs. What I took away from this article was that applying a mathematical formula to a situation (with some sort of Kindergarten sense of fairness) only deprives us of the ability to look at the kids as people with needs.
My stepsons live with us 70% of the time. Due to the circumstances of our situations this is absolutely for the best—-although to others on the outside looking in, it may seem unfair. On countless occasions we have encourage an extra overnight or day or two to eliminate a weird back and forth. While it means that my husband sacrifices “his” “parenting time” it is ultimately best for the kids.
I think that it is also important to point out that children go through phases where they need one parent more than the other. I see this with my boys. There are times when it is more important for them to spend time with Dad. Sometimes a divorced parents feelings about the other parent make it impossible to recognize these times and make accommodations.
Great food for thought!
SM of two (preteen and teenager) and my husband has custody. BM had visitation one week day/night and everyother weekend. Since the birth of our baby, she wanted every other WEEK. This has been hard for both children because she lives 20 miles away and they go to school 5 minutes from our home (BF). I understand this is a decision between the biological parents, it is just so hard to see them go back and forth and come home with a readjustment factor because our rules are alot stricter than at their mother’s.