I announced to Mom, “I’m thinking of giving myself a baby for my fortieth birthday.”
“Honey, there are other ways you could celebrate,” she offered. “How about a long weekend in New York… or Paris?”
“Hmmmmm. Maybe I could do both?”
I can feel her rolling her eyes at me over the phone. She thinks I’m kidding, so I continue, “Seriously Mom, forty is a big deal and I want to commemorate it with something big.”
“I know 40 is a big deal. I remember 40, but I hardly wanted a baby. But by then I had you and your stepsisters. Your stepfather gave me a surprise birthday party. I was furious. That’s all I remember.”
She’s humoring me as she often does lately when I hint that I might have finally caught the baby bug, along with celebrities Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman, and Halle Berry who became first-time mothers in their forties.
“Women are popping them out left and right at this age,” I offer. “They say, forty is the new twenty.”
“Is that right? Tell that to your eggs,” she joked.
“They say, forty is the new twenty.”
She’s politely blowing me off and I don’t blame her. She knows me better than anyone, so she’s well aware that I’ve never been the girl who wants a baby. No yearning. Nor interest. Sometimes I wondered if I was the only woman on the planet missing the mom gene. When my “maternal instinct” didn’t show up at thirty, or thirty-five, I finally decided to stop questioning it and started saying things like “some people have kittens and some people have kids.”
“You know, that’s where it starts,” said my friend Jen, mother of two.
“With cats?” I said. It was a few hours after my call with Mom and we were downtown eating lunch at Whole Foods. I’d just confessed how much I adored my orange and grey tabbies, two strays my husband rescued from Alameda Island and brought to the marriage along with, of course his boys, my stepsons.
“It’s true,” she said. “Bonding with animals is a precursor to motherhood.”
I laughed at this. “Isn’t that a bit of a stretch?” I thought, No way there’s a direct correlation between animals and children. What I loved most about Maxxy and Harry was their soft, sweet demeanor. Their limited ability to talk back. Cats were not like teenage boys. Cats had simple needs: food, sleep, cuddling. Uh Oh. Maybe Jen had a point?
While it’s true that I occasionally dress the cats up for Halloween and that I’ve made a concentrated effort to teach Maxxy to hug me, it’s not the cats, but my niece who finally got my biological clock to tick.
The three year old daughter of my California stepsister says things like “Ciao, bella” and “Watch me do my baby yoga.” She loves an afternoon Peets coffee as much as I do (although she orders hibiscus iced tea, not the heavy House Blend). She’s an avid reader and knows the difference between couscous and brown rice. She’s a delight.
Okay, I know most three-year-olds are charming and wonderful and that three-year-olds were first fragile, helpless, screaming infants. And that they grow into 16 year old girls who are as challenging (if not more) as teenage boys.
Still, it is Addie who was able to answer the question I’ve been asking myself, and others, for years: why do people have kids? Of course, depending on who it is, these answers vary and are supremely personal, but now I have MY answer– children make a family.
Why do people have kids?
Maybe this is obvious to all who have birthed and I admit I’m a decade behind most people when it comes to milestone moments. My high school and college friends all married in their twenties and started having babies soon after that. But, now, I finally get it. Kids expand the tribe. I recognize this when I’m with Addison and my California family. She literally brings something to the table: A new level of curiosity, excitement and joy.
But Izzy, you are now thinking, you already have a family. True. I have my stepfamily: my husband and his two teenage sons, a book about our life and times. And while they fill my life in sometimes surprising ways, I think I may want more.
If you ask my husband Hank, he’ll say we have enough. He’s been a daddy for practically two decades and in less than a year his oldest will be moving out of the house and going to college. Four years after that, The Young One will be on his way, too. Hank has confessed that he’s looking forward to having his kids be adults. “I can see the light at the end of the tunnel,” he said.
This makes sense in one way but this man is a serious baby guy. “You’re the one who loves babies,” I reminded him. Hank turns into Mr. Rogers with a Southern accent whenever a baby’s in sight. Whether we’re at a dinner party, holiday gathering or a park, his eyes take on that tender, weepy look and he can’t sit still or carry on an adult conversation until he’s allowed to hold the baby. So I was shocked, as you can imagine, when I heard that maybe he was no longer the baby-enthusiast.
“But, but,” I stammered, “what if I’m ready now?”
“What if I’m done?’ he said. The finality of his words caught me off guard. It took me a minute to recover and so I resorted to my default-teasing mode.
“Are you afraid your junk isn’t good anymore.” I said with a leer and a wink.
It took him a second to get where I was going. “Ohhhhh, my junk IS GOOD,” he assured me, wrapping me into a bear hug.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “It’s been a while since you tested it out.”
“Believe me,” he squeezed my ribs a little too hard, “it’s good.”
I’d cheaply won this round, but the discussion wasn’t over and what if it were true– that Hang was truly “done.” Three years ago when I was a new wife and a wildly insecure stepmom, there wasn’t a fantasy more delicious than arriving at this point– the kids moving on and me having Hank almost all to myself. Sounds pretty selfish, I know, but maybe that’s what’s changed. Parenting Hanks boys forced me to really dig and poke around my heart and to my surprise, I discovered I have more room in there than I thought. Not only that, I stumbled upon a reserve of love that now I worry might just disappear if I don’t start giving it away.
When I think about my young niece and how much her sparkly spirit has added to our family, she reminds me that if you come from good people and solid stock, like my Pennsylvania great-grandfather who was still hunting deer and bartending at eighty-nine, adding another member to the tribe is like a bonus round, or a fairy ring.
A fairy ring is the fanciful term given to the new stems that sprout out from the base of a redwood tree that has naturally died, been cut or burned. These stems grow and eventually become gigantic redwoods that form a perfect ring around the Mama tree that gave them life. It’s pretty magical stuff and as a kid I always liked crawling inside the fairy rings in Armstrong Woods, a grove of ancient redwood trees near where I grew up in California. Did you know that some redwoods survive to over 2000 years? It’s hard not to feel like you’re in the presence of a beautiful unfolding story when you look up from the forest floor, through the silent fog at these majestic survivors.
So maybe children don’t “make” a family, so much as they insure its survival and I’ve decided that’s important to me. I’ve been having these meaning of life talks with my uterus lately. I tell her she’s still a hot little number and I need her help. “But why now?” she wants to know. “Because we’re almost forty,” I tell her, “and we’ve maybe got a chance to do something big.” Who knows. Maybe she’s retired. Or maybe I’ll change my mind. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
Tags: motherhood, stepkids, stepmotherhood, turning_40
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It took my Mom a few years to “convince” (if convince is really the right word) my Dad to have children again when they married. He had dreams of empty-nests and long vacations. But, obviously since I’m writing this, she did change his mind! It meant that my Dad was older than most when I was born, but I had a ready-made assembly of adult half-sibs and a bio-bro when I entered the world. When my Dad passed away a few years ago, one of the last things I heard him say to my Mom was “Thank you for giving me such lovely children.” I wish you the best whatever that turns out to be for you. – G
How very exciting. We recently (so very recently that I haven’t wrote about it yet) had a pregnancy “scare,” and facing that made both of us realize we are much more ready than we thought we were. Previous to this, I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids. I’m relieved, because we still have some ducks to get in a row before we start a family, but we were both a little disappointed when things proceeded as scheduled. At least we’re on the same page though. And G, your dad sounds like the sweetest, most genuine guy. Love your stories about him.
Izzy, best of luck to you on this journey!
I had the complete opposite experience — I wanted a baby when my husband and I first got married. I wanted something of my own in our intertwined his-n-hers-n-hers relationship. Once we tried (2 years after we got married), got pregnant, miscarried and tried for 6 months to get pregnant again, I decided I’d had enough of the roller coaster and that I didn’t want to be a bio-mom. I’m like Hank. I’m practically counting down the days until my youngest stepson moves out. I long for the leisurely days of my husband and I. I have fur babies that I can count on for loving, tender nurturing.
But a little Izzy….I can almost see it. She’d be well coiffed with a martini-esque sippy cup :-)
Good luck! The cool thing is that it’s all good, whatever you decide. I’m sort of the opposite of you. I always knew that I wanted children. I love my stepdaughters (14 and 11), but told my husband from the beginning that I wanted a child. Like Hank, mine certainly thought he was done and was looking forward to an empty nest. However, he’s now on board and we’re trying to get pregnant. What’s important for me in the whole process is that life is amazing either way. It’ll be incredible to have my own little kiddo — I know what you mean about bring a new level of excitement to the table. What I’ve now realized is that life will be good if we don’t conceive. I love my husband wholeheartedly, have a great job, good friends, and many interests in life. I’m an good influence in my stepdaughters’ lives, and would probably volunteer with kids in some capacity. If we don’t have a baby, we’ll travel, I’ll write, and we might buy a little cabin in the woods. Either path will bring different joys and sorrows, but babies are not the only road to happiness! :)
I want a baby for the joy of it. I was pregnant briefly last year and though it came straight out of left field and ended in miscarriage, that baby turned on my ‘mummy’ mode and now I can’t seem to turn it off.
Good luck on the journey, there might be some lows but hopefully some highs as well (that’s what I keep telling myself anyway).
That’s very exciting! All the best in getting it sorted. I’ve had similar chats with my own uterus, but she wants me to get over all the culture shock before any conception happens. Smart move. :)
Wow, can I relate to this post! I’m turning 40 this year, too… and have so, so many of the same thoughts. Thank you for at least making me feel understood.
I had my son when I was 20 years old. I just turned 40 this past Saturday. I married my husband over two years ago and our daughter just turned two this past Sunday – the day after my 40th. My son will be 20 in June! It is the greatest thing we could have ever done. She joined our two families together and she is something we ‘did together’. I had my son from a previous relationship and he had his son (14) from a previous relationship. Now we have our little princess. Yes, we will be raising kids for another 20 years, but we will love every minute of it. :-) Good luck with the decision making and have fun!
Hi, Izzy. Whatever 40 holds for you, I hope it’s wonderful. Here’s a positive blurb on motherhood over 35 that I came across the other day: http://askdrsears.com/html/1/t011304.asp. I hope that you and Hank find the right answer for your family, your relationship and each of you individually.
I never had the desire to have children of my own, but my parents can relate to this. My mom was 35 when she had me, and she and my dad already had a 13 and 11 year old (and then no more after me). When she was pregnant with me, a doctor said older mothers’ babies will most likely be disabled, but my parents didn’t care (and I’m not disabled). I think this all really depends on the couple, especially the woman. My parents were those kind of people that just made conception look easy, and if my mom was pregnant, then they’ll be exited to have a baby.
My stepfather and his ex-wife were in the exact same position as my parents were around that time, and my stepsister isn’t disabled.
This is beautiful, Izzy. Just gorgeous. Bravo.
Izzy -
I can relate to this on many levels. When I met my husband 3 years ago, he already had 2 children (a boy then 9 and a girl, nearly 6). I hadn’t really found myself wanting kids, I was 27, a professional with a good job who was considering moving abroad. So it didn’t matter that he had decided that he was ‘done’ – he had had a vasectomy a couple of years before we met.
But as luck would have it I fell in love, and then the reality sunk in and I was forced to deeply think about whether or not foregoing motherhood was something I could do and not regret. I came to the conclusion that being ‘mom’ was an important part of the experience, different from ’stepmom’, and that our child would likely add more to this world than it ask from it. We talked, and he agreed he’d be undone.
We married this past May and are now expecting a baby to join our tribe in July – I am confident that it is the right thing for us, and we are looking forward to the new adventure.
Good luck Izzy & Hank!
Izzy, read your blog awhile back (quite awhile… ironically, I had a baby of my own and haven’t been reading blogs for a little while!) and was impressed with your candor and humor on stepmothering. And this post… how exciting! If the urge doesn’t pass, I think y’all should go for it! Obviously you’ll want Hank’s buy in as well (ha!), but your post reads like someone who has a true desire to expand her family. Like your relationships with your niece and your stepsons have taught you, our hearts can grow so much bigger than we expect, and honestly, having/adopting your own child will completely shock you in that regard. You just never knew your heart could be this big. People said that to me beforehand and I was like “yeah, uh-huh” (nodding somewhat automatically), but it honestly blew my mind once our daughter arrived. Best and hardest work I’ve cut out for myself thus far… SO very worth it. Best wishes to you all!