Stepmother’s Milk Stepmom in the Spotlight
Introducing Ms. January 2010!
Wendy Deppe lives in Coppell, Texas, and is celebrating her one-year wedding anniversary this month. She has a six-year-old stepdaughter, Merit, and her stepson Luke is about to turn five. She and her new husband split 50-50 custody of the kids with his first wife. Wendy writes regularly at Step In the Trenches and is a regular contributor to Stepmom Magazine.
1) What is your relationship like with your stepkids? Is there anything you’d like to change about that relationship?
I feel so blessed to enjoy a truly loving relationship with my stepkids. They are genuinely sweet, precious children. Their parents have done a good job of instilling important values such as kindness and generosity in them. Merit was four and Luke was almost three when I met Bill; they were so little that it kind of feels like I’ve been in their lives forever!
All in all, I love being a stepmom
They’ve always taken to me (Merit especially…she loves our “girl time”) and we truly enjoy the time we spend together as a family. I feel very lucky that I met them when they were so young and I didn’t miss out on too many of the important milestones of being little. It is a joy to watch them get bigger, watch their cognitive skills and language become more advanced, and see how their little personalities are emerging. One thing that has surprised me about being a stepmom is how much I truly miss them when they are not with us!
I’m not sure there’s much I would change about our current relationship, I just hope and pray that things will always be as positive as they are now. They have never had any of the classic “stepmom resentment” towards me and I hope that will always be the case! I know things won’t always be perfect and with their teenage years we are probably doomed to some rough times, but I hope that the foundation we are laying now of trust, love, commitment, respect, and most of all friendship will serve us well in their later years.
2) What is your relationship like with your husband’s ex-wife?
I feel fortunate that their mother and I get along just fine. She has always been very nice to me, and accepting of my relationship with her kids, and of course I appreciate that very much. I think all four of us adults work well together for the sake of the kids.
3) Did you invite her to your wedding? Why or why not?
We did not invite their mother to our wedding because it just didn’t feel appropriate. We had a very small, intimate wedding with close friends and family only. I think it would have been awkward for her to be there. When she remarried, we were not invited to her wedding either. Although we co-parent well with her, there’s a certain boundary that we keep on both ends. It works well for us.
4) On a daily basis, what’s the hardest/best thing about being in a stepfamily?
Sudden parenthood was definitely a challenge for me to get used to. I had been a freewheeling single girl for a long time, used to doing pretty much what I wanted, when I wanted. Cereal for dinner, awesome! Sleep in till noon, cool! I couldn’t believe it the first time my stepkids woke us up at 5 am on a Saturday. There are so many small, tiny things on a daily basis that require relentless self-sacrifice. I was also surprised at the enormous amount of work involved to run a household smoothly. My husband is wonderful, and he does the majority of the work around the house, but the laundry is never-ending, with four furry pets there is always vacuuming to be done, meals to be planned and prepared, bathrooms to be cleaned, trash to take out, etc. Sometimes I’m so worn out from all the work that I feel I don’t have time to actually enjoy the children when they are with us! We try to save a lot of the work for when they are at their mom’s, but there is always something!
Another thing I find difficult to deal with is the stigma of being a stepmom. Even in this day and age this dreadful stereotype still exists. Several times when I’ve told people I’m a stepmom I literally have seen something cross their face (quickly stifled) and attitudes towards me change, as if I’d somehow disappointed them. I often feel like there is some kind of exclusive Mommy Club of which I am a provisional member (doing a lot of mommy-type work, after all) but not really accepted.
On the other hand, there are so many things I love about being a stepmom! I love it when Merit and Luke climb in my lap and just want to sit and be held, or when they want to snuggle in bed in the mornings. I love it when Merit talks to me about her life and her problems; I feel honored that she trusts me and knows I will listen. Thursday nights are Family Game Night at our house and I get tickled playing games together as a family. I read stories to them every night. So far we’ve read The Secret Garden, The Little Princess, the Chronicles of Narnia series, and we’re currently working on the Little House on the Prairie series. Those are books my mom read to me as a child and it feels really good that Merit enjoys the stories and our reading time as much as I did as a little girl!
Family is important, even if we’re different.
It also makes me feel like a million bucks that my stepkids think I am a really good cook and they like the meals I prepare for them. Bill is an amazing father, and it warms my heart to watch him with these precious children. All in, I love being a stepmom and I feel so blessed that I have it pretty easy on most counts, compared to a lot of stepmoms I know.
5) What was your expectation of what a stepfamily would look and feel like?
I am a stepdaughter myself. My mom remarried when I was a teenager and my stepdad actually legally adopted me; he is the man I consider my dad. He is a great role model to me for what a loving, kind, involved stepparent should look like. I’ve always felt extremely fortunate to have him in my life; he and I are very close and he is the wisest person I know.
I used to feel sorry for my stepkids, that their parents got divorced, and everyone knows that no one wants a stepmom. But a friend of mine pointed out to me the difference in that attitude, and the gratefulness I have for my own dad in my life. My friend said I should be looking at my role in my stepkids’ lives as a chance to replicate my dad’s kindness and love towards me. I thought that was great advice!
My family is large with several steps and halves and a huge age range. One thing I’ve learned from being in a blended family is that the most important thing is to just love one another as we are. We may not always agree or even like our family members, but family is important, even if we’re different.
6) What’s your best piece of advice for other steps?
I think my best advice would be to reach out to other stepmoms! I love to talk to other stepmoms and hear their stories and their struggles and their victories. I learn so much in hearing how other ladies have handled situations that I find myself in, or that I think I might be in sometime in the future. There are many great online communities such as this one and there is a place for every kind of stepmom!
My other piece of advice would be to read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. That book changed our relationship so much for the better! Her work pretty much encapsulates all of the difficulties stepmoms face, and it gave me not only great comfort but also great insight into my role.
What do you do to take care of yourself? Your marriage?
I take a nap every chance I get! Seriously, there is nothing better than a mid-afternoon nap on Saturday or Sunday (especially if the weather is rainy and cold). Sometimes I even have a tiny catnap right after work. Even if it’s just 15 minutes, having a little bit of rest time seems to greatly improve my mood and energy level.
I enjoy having some downtime in the evenings right before bed where my husband and I sit and read, just talk, have a glass of wine, or sometimes take the dogs on a walk. This probably sounds silly but I collect vintage young adult series books, such as Nancy Drew and Trixie Belden, that I read as a child. I have a huge collection of Nancy and Trixie books and I re-read them often. I don’t know why but I get a lot of comfort out of those stories (and since I’ve read them so many times it doesn’t take a lot of brain power!).
My husband is great about planning nice dates and we very much enjoy our “us” time when the kids are with their mom. Never before in my life have I truly wanted to just simply be with someone 24/7 but I do with him, even if it’s just heading to the farmer’s market, or renting some movies or any one of the many things we enjoy doing together. Every now and then we’ll take a small mini-vacation for a weekend just a couple of hours away.
A while back we read the book The Five Love Languages together, and the author talks about keeping each others’ “love tank” full…we ask each other all the time about the status of the other’s love tank, and if it’s not full what we can do to top it off. Bill and I are constantly striving to put the other’s needs ahead of our own, and I can say he does a great job of keeping my love tank full!
7) Tell us about your blog. What issues do you tackle? What kind of stories do you share?
My blog is in its infancy! I always find myself wishing I had more time to post consistently. So far it’s just been a random collection of thoughts, musings, and funny stories about the kids. One thing I want to feature regularly are pictures and descriptions of the craft projects the kids and I do together. It’s kind of become my “shtick” with them that we do crafts (I have written a few articles with suggestions for crafts in Stepmom Magazine)…I love stuff like that and it’s so easy to make it fun for the kids. We have done all sorts of creative projects for the fall season and the holidays. I always take pictures that I intend to put on my blog…I’m hoping that maybe being in the Stepmother’s Milk spotlight will give me the little kick in the pants I need to spend more time posting!
Visit Wendy at Step in the Trenches
Tags: stepmom_in_the_spotlight, stepmothersmilk_izzy_rose, step_in_the_trenches
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