“He’s been conditioned slowly, gradually, over the years to think that if he doesn’t go along with ex/kids that he loses their love. Nothing I say has convinced him that he IS the father and that it won’t matter, they will always love him. We don’t have issues with Severe PAS, more like constant low-level bashing, but it’s enough to make the situation completely distasteful for him and it’s a sign of his commitment to peace that he really doesn’t want to stir the pot. So, is that permissive or is that managing?”

We’ve been dealing with fear-inducing, manipulative parenting for three years. When I snap and accuse him of being permissive, he recoils from my blame, too. Thank you Kim, for giving me this perspective.

When ARE we going to find some resources for the guys? My poor, lovely man is so caught in the middle, you can practically see his limbs tearing off in the grips of his two teen daughters, his former wife and his wife-to-be. In the past year, Izzy, Wednesday, Jacqueline, Peggy, Jennifer, Erin, Brenda and all you other wonderful bloggers and commenters in the stepmom community have taught me two very important lessons. One, that I’m not alone. And two, yes I have to take responsibility for my part in our step-sadness, but it’s Not All My Fault. This realization alone has helped me transform my shame into pride, and develop a more honest, balanced relationship with the kids. If only we had similar resources for the dads – articles? podcast interviews? – to reassure them that it’s normal for them to feel caught in the middle and that they deserve love and respect, too!

Are we going to see some articles for the guys? Will there be a body of work that talks to them as directly as we have been able to talk to one another? Will they be supported to do the “right thing” in their second family, and even to find out what that will be?

I have also really begun pondering the term, “permissive” dad. Is that really true? In our case, and I’m sure we’re not alone, it’s more accurate to say “fearful” dad. He’s been conditioned slowly, gradually, over the years to think that if he doesn’t go along with ex/kids that he loses their love. Nothing I say has convinced him that he IS the father and that it won’t matter, they will always love him. We don’t have issues with Severe PAS, more like constant low-level bashing, but it’s enough to make the situation completely distasteful for him and it’s a sign of his commitment to peace that he really doesn’t want to stir the pot. So, is that permissive or is that managing?

Maybe we should say, the manipulated parent. Lots and lots to think about.

Would I do this again . . . ask me in 3 years.

Would I do it all over again? Only if you’re the man I first fell in love with when I was 16.

;-)

If I had it to do all over again, I’d try not to date men with kids, but that wacky luv thing just strikes the wildest times.

I completely agree that we need to be aware and accepting that if we are dating or looking for older men, they will likely be divorced or have children by then. For me, I feel like a big reason why my husband is so totally supportive and loving of me is BECAUSE of his first marriage. He learned a lot and as an amazing husband for it. He’s also completely appreciative of everything I do for him and our love.

I gave up on younger guys (my age) because of their lack of maturity and ability to commit. I found everything I needed in my husband, but with that came some challenges that we will survive.