GUEST BLOGGER: Rebecca Lippett of La Belle Mere
I wrote a post fairly recently, asking why we continue to remain stepmothers when it clearly causes many of us a great deal of emotional pain. The post prompted a lot of comments, one of which was from Wednesday Martin suggesting that one of the reasons we continue to do it is that, after a certain age, and with changing social attitudes towards marriage and divorce, we are shopping in a “man-market” that contains a significantly higher number of “Dad’s”. So it’s not so much that we choose it, more that we can’t avoid it.
I’ve given this a lot of thought. I was 30 when I met my husband and had already accepted that the likelihood of a potential partner having children was higher for me. After all, I’d given over most of my twenties to working hard, playing harder and, unlike many of my peers, avoiding having children at all costs. However, I remember dabbling in internet dating around that time and there still seemed to be a much higher number of single men of my age that were childless.
We’re shopping in a man-market that contains a significantly higher number of “dads.”
I began to wonder whether that situation would have changed much in the last 3 years, now that I am a few years older, more than a few pounds heavier and have almost certainly acquired some extra wrinkles and facial saggage!
If I were to throw the towel in and walk away now (hypothetically speaking – sorry husband, but you aren’t getting rid of me that easily!!) what would the chances be of me hooking up with another man with children?
So I logged into Match.com and did a search on single men in my area between the ages of 30 and 40. The search results showed 512 potential victims. I then refined my search to show only those that had children. 208 of them had already had kids. That’s a pretty significant number! In fact it’s 40.62% of my potential “market”!!!! Roughly speaking, I would have a 2 in 5 chance of ending up a stepmother for the second time around! Aaaaarrrrrgh!!
Of course, I COULD choose to only date men without children. Thus reducing my stud-pool by 40% . But this is a fairly logical way of looking at things. And, as we know, that crazy little thing called luuuurve ain’t logical! I could meet, and fall helplessly in love with, another man with children. Whether I want to or not. Which tends to be the way love goes if we’re honest.
Not being a gambling woman, I’ve decided that I’ll just stay put then. Sorry about that Hubbs and skids. You’re going to have to put up with my whining a while longer! It appears that I forfeited my chance of ever being captain of my own little nuclear warhead long ago when, instead of snapping up the first man that came my way, and getting instantly sprogged up, I decided to have a life instead! Thank feck! After much consideration I have decided that, if I had my time again, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So steppies…. if you found yourself back on the single bus again, by choice or otherwise, my question to you is…..
Would YOU do the stepmother thing again?
Rebecca Lippett is a 33 year old wife and part-time stepmother from Bristol, England. She blogs about stepmother issues and more at
www.labellemereuk.blogspot.com. Rebecca also writes regularly for StepMom
Magazine and has set up social networking site for Childfree Women at www.childfreechicks.ning.com
Posts 
I would absolutely NOT do the stepmother thing again. My situation is much different than most readers I follow. My husband happens to have 6 kids (two of which he only found out about over the past year) and one stepkid from a previous marriage—(AND, might I add, 5 bio mom’s). It consumes too much of my life that I have no life of my own any longer—-the quickest way to divorce is to lose a sense of self and have no identity in your marriage. So—-that’a an ABSOLUTELY NOT for me.
And the numbers are worse in the African American community—-either he has kids, is in jail, or he’s on the downlow (secretly sleeping with men but doesn’t identify himself as gay)
This post made me laugh so thank you Rebecca! And you might be interested to know about the Boston University study in which over 70% of the women interviewed (all stepmothers) said that if they could do it over again, they would NOT marry a man with kids. I’ll post about it on my blog soon. My editor did not want that stat/study in the book; too much of a bummer, presumably. Thanks for putting a human and amusing face on a grim stat! And thanks for running this Izzy!
wednesday
I would do it again, just because my husband is completely and totally my soulmate. There’s no question in my mind, even though things have been so rough.
I completely agree that we need to be aware and accepting that if we are dating or looking for older men, they will likely be divorced or have children by then. For me, I feel like a big reason why my husband is so totally supportive and loving of me is BECAUSE of his first marriage. He learned a lot and as an amazing husband for it. He’s also completely appreciative of everything I do for him and our love.
I gave up on younger guys (my age) because of their lack of maturity and ability to commit. I found everything I needed in my husband, but with that came some challenges that we will survive.
I can’t say. I hadn’t planned to marry a man with a kid, but I fell in love, and we make it work. The luckiest part of the whole thing is that his kid is really great, so the situation could be MUCH worse.
If I had it to do all over again, I’d try not to date men with kids, but that wacky luv thing just strikes the wildest times.
In my case, my second marriage is to the man who once was the boy I first fell in love with. I was 16 and he was 17. I feel so freaking hard for him in 1980, that apparently, when we re-met in 2006, I didn’t stand a chance. I knew when I was sitting across the table from him at Denny’s the night we met for coffee that it was all over for me. I knew I was never ever ever going to kiss another man as long as I lived. And yes, I knew he came with four kids…three of them 18+
Would I do it all over again? Only if you’re the man I first fell in love with when I was 16.
;-)
Yes, I would do it again. My husband had a baby with a girl he dated for 3 months when he was 15! As you can imagine, it has been difficult. Everyday is a challenge or more like a battle for us. My stepson lives in two different worlds with two very different parents. Even though we have a lot of stress about this situation, my stepson is the best kid ever. I love him very much. So ladies… I think we need to look at the bigger picture. It is all about love for me. My husband and stepson make it worth it. It is all about what makes us happy.
I’d do not plan on ever getting remaried I will die with that mans name, but I will warn my daughters about the complications of being a step mom and tell her she better make sure she really loves him. cause thats the only way it will work. but the way I look at this whole thing is my husband is my other half and my step kids are half of that half.
Of those who say they would NOT marry again a man with children, I would be willing to bet it has a lot to do with how the husband handles the ex-wife and his children, and how much support she receives from him. I would NOT marry a man with children again, not because of all the nasty things the ex and his kids have done, but because of how my husband has NOT dealt with it all.
And Kelly brings up a great point . . . Wednesday, Izzy, La Belle Mere, maybe ya’all are already working on the next instantiations of the ever-burgeoning body of literature in the Step-Family Rescue Mission, but I’d love to know if my dreams will come true. I dream that men will get some practical, detailed support for ways to handle their situations. It’s almost like they need a re-marriage manual (1. make sure you have tightened boundaries with your ex. That looks like x,y,z. 2. make sure everyone has a place to sleep, eat, and hide. 3. Post the new house rules. Do not leave this up to osmosis.) And so on.
Are we going to see some articles for the guys? Will there be a body of work that talks to them as directly as we have been able to talk to one another? Will they be supported to do the “right thing” in their second family, and even to find out what that will be?
I have also really begun pondering the term, “permissive” dad. Is that really true? In our case, and I’m sure we’re not alone, it’s more accurate to say “fearful” dad. He’s been conditioned slowly, gradually, over the years to think that if he doesn’t go along with ex/kids that he loses their love. Nothing I say has convinced him that he IS the father and that it won’t matter, they will always love him. We don’t have issues with Severe PAS, more like constant low-level bashing, but it’s enough to make the situation completely distasteful for him and it’s a sign of his commitment to peace that he really doesn’t want to stir the pot. So, is that permissive or is that managing?
Maybe we should say, the manipulated parent. Lots and lots to think about.
Would I do this again . . . ask me in 3 years.
I must say that I understand the “permissive” (fearful) dad’s fears. My ex and I used to share custody. I was always the one who pushed the schoolwork, manners, and earlier bed times. He moved 2 towns away and took me to court for full custody. Which the courts awarded him, as his home was a better “fit”. She was “happier” there. Playing video games for hours, staying up late, being allowed to watch inappropriate movies.
My new husband has 2 great kids, who are any step mom’s dream. It’s not always perfect, (even bio families have problems), but I would do it all again.
Thanks for the great article.
YES, I would do it again but ONLY IF I could marry the same wonderful man… because I know that with him we’d get through the painful times. I WOULDN’T do it with anyone else! It’s too hard.
Still in love,
Susan
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Kim hits the nail on the head when she describes the fearful, manipulated dad:
“He’s been conditioned slowly, gradually, over the years to think that if he doesn’t go along with ex/kids that he loses their love. Nothing I say has convinced him that he IS the father and that it won’t matter, they will always love him. We don’t have issues with Severe PAS, more like constant low-level bashing, but it’s enough to make the situation completely distasteful for him and it’s a sign of his commitment to peace that he really doesn’t want to stir the pot. So, is that permissive or is that managing?”
We’ve been dealing with fear-inducing, manipulative parenting for three years. When I snap and accuse him of being permissive, he recoils from my blame, too. Thank you Kim, for giving me this perspective.
When ARE we going to find some resources for the guys? My poor, lovely man is so caught in the middle, you can practically see his limbs tearing off in the grips of his two teen daughters, his former wife and his wife-to-be. In the past year, Izzy, Wednesday, Jacqueline, Peggy, Jennifer, Erin, Brenda and all you other wonderful bloggers and commenters in the stepmom community have taught me two very important lessons. One, that I’m not alone. And two, yes I have to take responsibility for my part in our step-sadness, but it’s Not All My Fault. This realization alone has helped me transform my shame into pride, and develop a more honest, balanced relationship with the kids. If only we had similar resources for the dads – articles? podcast interviews? – to reassure them that it’s normal for them to feel caught in the middle and that they deserve love and respect, too!
PS: Izzy, thanks for your laugh-out-loud, page-turning book. Reading it was a real eye-opener for me. “You mean I can hold my head high as a stepmom?” I thought. “All righty then!”
Absolutely NOT! I would NEVER do this again. Ever.
Hi. I’ve read your posts with interest. I’m currently trying to find a case study for a piece I’m writing for Fabulous magazine, looking at how it feels to go from single to step mum. This is an honest and positive feature about being a step mum which looks at both the ups and downs of this scenario. Was it tricky being introduced to your partner’s children? Have you overcome this now and settled into family life as a step mum? As well as an interview we will also do a family photoshoot for this piece and pay you too! If anyone is interested please email me on natasha_holt@yahoo.co.uk
Thanks
Natasha
Thank you for the post. I am a great bonus parent to a 9 year old boy. His mom and I get along very well. No, we are not friends per say but we understand each other and do whatever it takes to make each others lives easy and simple. We help each other out.
Being a bonus parent is tough and I don’t really like it, though I’m very good at it. I love spending time with my bonus child and we have an awesome relationship with all the days when he doesn’t want to do anything with me and I get mad at him for not getting his backpack together for school. I think it’s normal.
Regardless of how it is going, I still don’t want this. If someone can take me back to the time before I decided to be in this role, I would go back in a heartbeat. I will never ever ever date, live, or marry a guy with kids. I am the person who says to other women, “don’t do it”. It’s tough and it’s worthless.
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