Ms. Izzy,
Since you seem very well versed in national stepmom news, I wanted to ask your advice. I am new at this stepmom thing. I moved in with my boyfriend and his five-year-old daughter several months ago. He was never married to his child’s mother. They separated when she was three and his daughter was “unplanned.” But, instead of bailing, he decided to take responsibility and care for his daughter. We are now all living together as…sort of…a family.
In the Stepchicks forum and on your site, I generally find resources for women who are dating divorced dads. That’s not me. I am dating the man of my dreams– a man who has never been married, but who is splitting parenting responsibilities with his ex-girlfriend, and I’m having a hard time finding anyone in a similar situation. If anyone knows about this, you do.
To Anonymous,
As far as your unique situation goes, I can’t say I’ve come across any sites that speak directly to your scenario, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. The only dialogue I’ve had on this subject is with a girlfriend who started dating her boyfriend when his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his baby. (And my girlfriend wasn’t looped in on this info until after they’d gotten somewhat serious.) She’s been in a stepparenting role since the child was born, yet she’s not “officially” the child’s stepmom. My only comment to her was, “You’re a stronger woman than me. You must really love this guy.” Not only are they now engaged, but my girlfriend can’t imagine her life without this child in it. And you can imagine it, can’t you? She bonded with her from the teeny-tiny infant stage. They’re a family. Maybe not the “traditional” kind, but somehow they’re making it work.
Let’s see what the Stepmother’s Milk readers have to say about this and try and generate a discussion. Any of you ladies have any advice or expertise on this subject?
Thanks for your help!
Tags: divorced_dad, expert, stepchicks, stepchild, Stepmother's_milk, stepparenting_advice
Posts 
My husband was not ever married to his ex who is the mother of his two sons. Therefore, I used to be in the situation where I was dating a father who was never married to his children’s mother. The difference for us is that his sons have always lived with their mom. I have been in their lives since they were 6 and 7 (they are now 15-almost 16-and 17), and we have been married for about three years.
When I met my H, it was a non-issue that he was a father because he is a good father who supports his kids financially and takes responsibility for helping to raise them. I think I would have had an issue, however, if he had been married before…odd, right? It works well for us…I am a secondary parent (I always defer to him and their mom), but I definitely have an influence in their lives. And they are amazing kids…I am proud to be their stepmom.
I would love to see some dialogue on this and welcome any questions Anonymous may have for me…I can be reached at thomas(dot)mm(at)gmail(dot)com.
My husband was never married to or even in a relationship with his child’s mother. In fact she went to great lengths to have a court order denying him the right to a paternity test he requested when she first informed him he had a child. Two years after having a judge throw out the order for paternity testing, she ordered paternity testing and we had 12,000 dollars worth of back child support despite the fact that my husband had previously tried for and been denied paternity test that would have prevented child support arrears. I think that these can be the most complicated cases. My husband barely knew and never had any feelings beyond that of a mutual “hook up”. Now he has gone through battle after battle proving that just because he wasn’t there the first two years he does care about and love his now 4 year old daughter.
My husband and his ex had their son out of wedlock, too. Their relationship is pretty easy-going because my husband took responsibility financially and as a parent. We have partial custody – my SS lives out of state, but he’s 11 now and I’ve known him since he was 3 – when I started dating his dad.
He’s grown up knowing me, but it’s rough because we’re so far apart that our visits are sporadic, but when my husband and I got married this year, we made his son part of our ceremony, and the baby momma was there too, with her husband.
I think in our case the lack of animosity helps a ton – we may not all be buddy-buddy but we get along okay. She appreciates that my husband pays child support and that I make a good home for her son when he’s with us. We appreciate that she does the same on her end. The only awkward bit for me is when people call her my husband’s “ex”… sometimes I correct them, sometimes it just seems easier to leave it be.
My husband also had a child during a short term fling. He took responsibility financially and emotionally, even though he and the BM never continued their relationship or lived together. The BM had primary custody until my SS was 6, and then the BM started making bad decisions. We filed for primary custody and won it three months after our wedding. We have been a happy family for almost three years now. I’ve known my SS since he was 4 years old, and even though I didn’t bond with him as a baby, I couldn’t imagine life without him or my husband in it. It can be difficult and challenging at times, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
My situation is the same. My husband and his ex-girlfriend had a son. My husband and I started dating when his son was around one. We’ve had the exact opposite of a cordial relationship. My husband has had to go back and forth to courts for custody (she didn’t want him to have visitation rights) and child support (she wanted my husband to support her & their son!) There is a HUGE back story behind all of this but as of now, my stepson is 8. Per court order, there should not be any face-to-face contact between parents. Everything needs to be done over email so that there is a paper trail. In the meantime, my stepson has one life with us and another with his mom. It’s a nightmare for the adults (who should have known better) but my stepson seems to be handling it in stride. Like one of the previous posts mention, I sometimes roll my eyes when people ask my husband “how’s your ex” but I also let it go. No reason to stress about something that’s going to be there for many years to come. If you are able to form a reasonable relationship with the “baby mama” then I say go for it. I wish we had that option. :-)
My husband was never married to our BM either. It was a short lived fling and they weren’t actually together at all when she rocked up and announced she was preggers! Very long and complicated story but I can totally relate.
Its one of the things that get’s me most angry about my sitch due to a very long and complicated (and pretty unbelievable) back story that I won’t go into on here. Feel free to message me directly! I’d be happy to chat to someone in a similar sitch!
LBM xxx
I’m a stepmom not in your exact situation but I have a couple of good friends who are single bio-moms that were never married to their kids’ dads. From what I’ve seen in the stepmoms and bio-moms I know, in situations both in which the split-up parents were both once married and never married, the bio-moms who were never married are generally happier, thus making the bio-dads and stepmoms and kids happier too. Not that this is a solid rule, and not that this is exactly your situation either, but generally I’ve seen the divorced bio-moms live on past the divorce with a sense of entitlement to their ex-husbands money or a sense that they have a right to dictate what happens with their kids in the ex-husbands homes, both of which can cause extra tension between the homes. It’s like the former marriage and continuing financial relationship impedes the bio-mom’s ability to move on and focus on her own happiness, and she instead focuses on causing unending problems for her ex-husband’s new home. The bio-moms I know that were never married have moved on from their relationships with their baby daddys, don’t get hung up on “what he owes me”, and are abe to co-parents with fewer conflicts and focus on their new relationships and their own current social lives, jobs and hobbies. Again, not that this is always the case, but you may be able to consider yourself lucky that your kid’s bio-mom was never married to your guy, it could be a better situation than if he were a divorced dad.
My husband and his daughter’s mother were never married and I HATE it! She started dating her husband about the same time we began dating.She did act like he owed her as if he made her a single mom all by himself! She pretty much would have loved it if my husband had walked away so that her husband could become the girl’s father. She even moved 4 hours away so my husband went from seeing his child 50% of the time to once every three weeks. She even makes SD call her husband “dad” so that their little boy won’t get confused. OH PLEASE. My husband is faithful about his visitation and refuses to give up any time. There are times I wish he would just walk. It seems like it would be easier. But I know we wants to be a part of his daughter’s life.
wow..I thought you were talking about my husband and his ex! You are not alone! I wonder in my situation if I am in too deep to get help as a step mother. My looong saga starts 6 years ago.
To Amy: I hear you. This is one of the hardest situations to be in. I keep telling my husband that I need to go to a therapist or something, because to be on my side of the fence he has NO IDEA what I am going through, and quite frankly I need to have someone to talk to who does. One of the hardest things in the world is to have your husband’s past resurface in your life constantly, even if it is in the beautiful form of a child. I love my husband’s child like he was my own, and I knew when I married him this was part of the deal, but knowing it doesn’t really prep you for it. And while I am more than prepared to be a stepmother. love him, and make him a a part of our family, I do think I am going to need some help with it. I think the actual harder part has been his ex resurfacing all the time, not so much his child. She was very cruel to my husband during the first couple years of his child’s life and because she was so upset that they broke up and she couldn’t get over him, she wanted to punish him and wouldn’t allow my husband to see his child hardly ever. Its been a hard journey and while my husband is very reassuring and loving, he doesn’t know what it feels like to be in my shoes, have that feeling of displacement and insecurity. Granted I am beyond grateful that now we are being allowed to see his kid, its still a very big adjustment to go from 0 to 100 instantly. Its hard to word, but as excited as I am to be a stepmom and so unbelievably grateful that my husband is now allowed to see his child, its also a heart wrenching and very lonely position I am in to have these insecure feelings. Am I making sense?
Hey guys…I’m the original question asker here. Kate: what you are suggesting is actually the opposite of my problem! My biggest problem is by far my boyfriends daughters mother. She causes seemingly never ending problems in our lives. It’s hard enough to get used to living with a child that is not your own….but she’s making it impossible. I don’t want to get into it too much here but I’d love to connect with other people in this type of situation! I’m not sure how to do that, I don’t want to put any of my info up here (bc of the ex) but I’d love to get in touch. Maybe through Izzy? If anyone has any ideas…
I was just recently engaged with my boyfriend who has a 3 year old daughter. They too were never married and only dated for several months before becoming pregnantg. The BM is completely insane and makes my life miserable and has even made threats to my face how I need to stay away from my boyfriend. Recently the daughter told me that her mother “doesnt like me.” Of course I knew this but honestly lets grow up here, now the child is completely confused and of course listens to her mother. Its all very challenging. We have her for 3 days and 2 nights every week so she has some consistency in her life because the mother likes to party. My fiance has also tried for full custody but in our state unless the child is being physically abused its impossible. Also he likes to spoil her and gives her anything she wants which I disagree with especially since he is forking out so much child support a month…..very frusturating but I cant give much input because its not my child….Any help please???
i am in the same situation, my current partner has two children to a woman he never married, the children have lived with their mother most of their lives, however the oldest now lives with my partners parents, i have a excellent relationship with the boys i am very proud of them and i have minimal contact with their mother. i have been lucky in that sense, good communication is a must.
Wow… i have spent almost 4 years trying to find some kind of support for this situation.. I am a step mom to a wonderful 6 year old little girl. My husband and I started dating when she was only 1 year old and I can’t imagine life without her. She was the product of a “planned” pregnancy – at least by her bio mom and they were never married. For the last 5 years we have been in and out of court, dealing with a BM that first wanted my dh to sign over paternity, then changed her mind and wanted more child support, then has had a string of boyfriends and arrest records. Its unreal. But trying to find support for this kind of thing is pretty non existant – and i have to believe with more and more babies being born out of wedlock it must be a more and more common situation. I can’t even find much information for helping kids that have split parents but have NEVER been subjected to a divorce/seperation of their parents. Hopefully time will make it easier – and me and my DH keep telling ourselves – she won’t be a child forever and one day she will realize how much we loved her and fought for her and that matters more then anything else. good luck
I wish I would have found this post a while ago so I could connect with you. I have been in this exact situation that you are in for 6 years now. I live with my boyfriend of just over 6 years and his daughter is now 11. She started living with us when she was 6. There is a lot of history to our story and I tried to lay out all out on my blog but it was difficult.
SD went through a lot of back and forth living with mom, then dad, then mom and now back with dad. I have to say that my role has dramatically changed from when we started to where we are. I went from not ever wanting to meet the BM (the ex) to being the sole communicator as far as visitation and times and such go. If there are any discipline issues, the Dad has to step in, we work on this together in our home, I’m not sure how works in BM homes with her husband.
If you want to talk please feel free to email me, dancincuty78 @ aol . com
Claudia
hey . about two years ago i started dating a man with a 5 yr old son. he was never married to BM and she is also no longer in their lives. She left when the baby was 2 and never came back. She calls him rarely, never realy seeming to care about her chil as much as she does about her ex. I have recently moved in with them and it seems that i have fully taken the Mom roll. My boyfriend tries to influense his son in calling me mom and whe ni tell him to back off he seems upset. It seems too soon for me. Im however a hands on “Mom” .we go to the library, i volunteer in his classrooms and SS loves it. I recently had a phone altercation which my SS heard with his mother when she called my boyfriend with her problems. After he repeatedly told her to stop calling, i decided to answer the phone and tell her to stop calling him. She calls to talk to him but never her son, not even on his birthday. For now my boyfriend has full custody but im afraid she will be back and try to fight for custody. ANy suggestions?
Thanks again for the blog post. Want more.