Just in time for Father’s Day, a sweet collection of essays arrived at my door, so I thought I’d take a break from promoting myself and pimp someone else for a change.
The 40-Year Old Version, Humoirs of a Divorced Dad, by Joel Schwartzberg is a heartfelt collection of musings and memories about how one man has “reinvented fatherhood from scratch.”
As a woman who’s married to a divorced man with kids, and a child of divorce myself, Joel’s vulnerable wisdom hit a raw nerve.
In the essay, The Pick-Up Artist, he writes about an exchange with his young kids that conjured up tender feelings about my own childhood. It also reflected my husband’s on and off again guilt about his decision to divorce and remarry, and it reminded me of how I, the new stepmom, try to reassure my stepkids that everything will be all right.
He writes:
“Remember, you have two homes: one with Mommy, and one with me…” I remind the kids that, while other things in live may change, even crumble, a parent’s love never does. The words sound pathetically trite in my head, but it’s the most important thing to convey– not what changes, but what doesn’t: Two parents. Eternal love. Lots of pillows. Endless Cheerios.
Joel writes about how, as a young father he was scared, felt inadequate, resentful and mourned the loss of his “old life.” He shares the apprehension and anxiety he had creating a “new” family after his first fell apart. I think as a culture we’re accustomed to– and maybe even expect– only women to make such scaredy-cat confessions. I hear things like this all the time from bio and stepmothers (including myself), but do we fully acknowledge or appreciate similar fears from fathers, or fully grasp the logistical challenges and emotional baggage a divorced man with kids is forced to drag into any new relationship?
I applaud Joel’s courage to put his insecurities on the table, not only because it’s admirable, but because his candor is so damn funny. So much so that I proposed a man date between Joel and my husband. (I’m always trying to hook Hank up with interesting men.) Joel said if he didn’t live in New Jersey ( a three hour plane ride to Texas), he might consider it. What a guy!
As a consolation Father’s Day prize, I plan to give The 40-Year-Old Version to Husband Hank on Sunday. Two hours with Joel and a few cold beers in the backyard hammock will have to suffice.
ABOUT JOEL
Joel is an award-winning essayist and screenwriter, national champion public speaker and speechcoach, law school drop-out, horror fan,
divorced father, and former Wheel of Fortune contestant. He was a Head Writer for Nickelodeon in 1998 and later an editorial director for Time Inc. Interactive. Currently, he is the Director of New Media for a PBS broadcast news magazine.
Joel’s essays on parenting and other spontaneous phenomena have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, The New York Daily News, The New York Post, The Star Ledger, New Jersey Monthly, Babble.com, Chicken Soup for the Soul, The Huffington Post, and
regional parenting magazines throughout the U.S. and Canada.
The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad (June 2009 Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing)
Tags: Babble.com, Chicken_Soup_for_the_Soul, Izzy_Rose, Joel, Newsweek, New_Jersey_Monthly, review, Schwartzberg, stepmother, the_40-year_old-Version, The_Huffington_Post, The_New_York_Daily_News, The_New_York_Post, The_New_York_Times_Magazine, The_Star_Ledger
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I am reading the Package Deal and it is wonderful. Everything is so true. I have a fourteen year old step-daughter and it is not always easy. Great book Izzy
I just started it as well. Having lived in San Francisco for 12 years & moving to TX to be with my new husband & his two teen & tween daughters, I can totally relate to many of her observations, thoughts, & comments. Awesome book!
So happy you can relate! It’s a relief to know I’m not the only one having wobbly stepmom days.
Where do you ladies live?
IR
I am about half way through your book, thank you. The timing couldn’t be more perfect for me…I am three weeks away from the end of my singledom to instant family. My condo in the city is rented, my home is in the ‘burbs in purchased and my two soon to be stepsons are anxious to have their dad and the ‘fun monkey’ closer. There are so many similarities in the book…from the type of house I required to leave my condo in the city, to the culture shock and emotional reactions.
Victoria,
So happy it found its way into your hands! Hope it provides some relief that there are others going through the same thing.
Congrats on your wedding and keep us posted. Just curious- what city are you leaving and what burbs will you be relocating to?
IR
Wow! I cannot believe how true to my own life this book is! It is so crazy. I was a single girl from Virginia who married a man from North Carolina, who has a 14 and 9 year old boy, which is exactly the same scenario as the book. I am relating to you through your story in so many ways. I am only on page 60 and can hardly believe how much like my on life this is. I laugh at things, and show my husband, who of course could never understand :) This is fantastic!
Hello, Izzy.
I am in Toronto and moving to Barrie, Ontario. I was actually in the process of trying to relocate to San Francisco last winter. I had put the plan in place more than two year agos, before meeting my guy. Thank goodness, it didn’t work out…I was promoted instead and now work from home when I am not travelling.
Hi, Izzy!
I am so thankful to have found your book and website- how refreshing! I just read it over our family vacation. I share so many of your challenges/frustrations- but unfortunately the additional one of having a VERY challenging BM to deal with. It would be different if my stepsons had a great relationship with her and it was only challening for me and my hubby, but they are CONSTANTLY complaining about her! I hope this support group helps me find new, healthier ways to deal with this challenge and continue to own and enjoy my life!
Congrats on your success with your book! Sounds like you are a WONDERFUL wife and stepmom!
Amanda
[...] You can read my review of Joel’s book HERE. [...]
Greetings from Australia. This is a helpful blog. Does anyone have any advice on staying out of the friend zone with women? I’m really tired of girls telling me they just want to be friends. Perhaps I’m being too much of a nice guy?