Stepmother's Milk- Advice and Support for Stepmoms

Archive for April, 2009

Big Ass News (Pt 2)

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

Ladies,

I apologize for all the shameless self-promotion of late, but there are just some things I have to toot my own horn over and here it is today:

The Book Trailer.

This is like a movie trailer, but for a book. It’s all the rage in the publishing world (or so my online publicist tells me). Because I am an old TV promo producer (think movie trailer, but for news stories… In a world before there was swine flu…) I decided to give it a shot.

I assembled a dream team including designer and animator Pat Cilia and the White Ghost Shivers. WATCH ALL THREE TRAILERS HERE. And please, do yourself a favor and give them a few seconds to load.

To give you a better understanding of what a promo producer does, read the following excerpt from The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom (Random House, May 09)

Hank and I are TV producers. We’ve both spent the majority of our careers working in news promotion, writing and editing those captivating on-air spots that tease and yes, sometimes exaggerate the top stories of the evening news. Instilling fear is a popular tactic. (Tonight, a shocking discovery: We’ll reveal how your loved ones could die suddenly from a seemingly harmless household product.) It’s very sexy and important work.

I admit. Condensing a top story into one neat little package (fifteen skimpy seconds) infuriates many, but it titillates me. From a creative standpoint, what’s not to love? Dramatic music (think driving violins), emotional pictures (slowed down for heart-breaking effect) and a dynamic voice track (think Darth Vader on steroids) make for good television and an entertaining day’s work. In my opinion, the best promo producers are most passionate and energized by the art (good journalism is just part of the job). A successful promo will connect with viewers on a base emotional level in the first five seconds of a spot. We call this “the hook.” And once we’ve got you; it’s hard to look away.

Which leads me to how Hank “hooked” me in the first place. When I first met Hank, I immediately noticed three things: 1) The man had the sense to completely shave his head once he started to go bald, 2)He was confidant enough —or lacking vanity enough– to wear Cliff Huxtable inspired sweaters that his mother (I pray) must have sent him; and 3) He said exactly what was on his mind—the good and the bad.

I was intrigued.

Excerpted from The Package Deal, to be published by Three Rivers Press,
an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.

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Tags: Book_people, book_trailer, furiousp.com, Random_House, The_White_Ghost_Shivers, TPD: Reviews & Events
Posted in Step News, TPD: Reviews & Events | 6 Comments »

Happy French Fry to You!

Friday, April 17th, 2009

The Husband is a big fan of the pomme frites. In fact, he generally adores any potato product.

If I wanted to lift his wallet, strip him of his clothes and dignity, pack up Grandma’s good china and make off in broad daylight without protest, I’d only have to place an open bag of potato chips in front of the man. As soon as he puts that first chip in his mouth, he’s as good as gone. Hypnotized. It’s like he can’t think of anything else except the next chip. And the one after that. I’ve watched him eat half a bag this way– all glossy-eyed and unmovable. It’s weird.

The Husband knows he has a problem, so chips in the house are a rarity and when we go out to eat, like many of us do, he often denies himself his favorite carb so that he can continue to fit into his pants.

Well, because I love this man and because it is his birthday on Monday (and because it is a tradition in my family to celebrate your birthday for as many days in a row as possible), I suggested last night over dinner at Olivia that he treat himself (with supervision) to his favorite food for five days straight.

“FIVE FUN NIGHTS OF FRENCH FRIES,” I enthused.

He looked dubious.

“Instead of birthday cake!” I reasoned.

He knows a good argument when he hears one, so he promptly ordered the bowl of frites with aioli and house-made ketchup. The Husband deemed Olivia’s salt and pepper, shoestring fries, “So hot. So delicious.”

After several mouthfuls he washed down with a glass of Tempranillo, he said, “Where are we going tomorrow night?”

A new tradition has begun.

Stay tuned. Tonight, Hank and Izzy search Austin for the hottest pomme frites scene.

DAY TWO

Peche in the warehouse district.

Peche throws their potato products into sizzling duck fat and boy OH boy do them fries taste phenomenal. This fry is a size up from the shoestring, served with skins on and covered in rock salt. The Husband ordered the aioli de Provence (lavender and Annis) and your basic bleu cheese.

He devoured the first helping and then ordered the pork sliders with fries. Next came the beef sliders with fries. When I congratulated him on his carb overload and chirped, “Where will we go tomorrow?” he said, “Don’t talk to me about more fries.”

DAY THREE
The Husband is hung over from fries and rum drinks. Failed Fun Night ‘O Fries Day Three.

DAY FOUR

We go searching South Congress for a late lunch and end up at Gueros Taco Bar. The Husband tells me (like he’s making up the rules now for Five Fun Night ‘O Fries) that tortilla chips can substitute for potato chips.

He’s evading responsibility, but I let it go since it is his birthday. And tomorrow, I’ll be sure he makes up for it.

DAY FIVE

The Husband made up for his sorry-frie-eating skills on day three and four by ordering a bowl of waffle fries from Lamberts Downtown Barbeque, our favorite restaurant in town. The waffles paired exceptionally well with his Mustard and Brown sugar Crusted Niman ranch rib eye. It was a fantastic finale to the Five Fun Nights ‘O Fries.

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Tags: Austin, gueros_taco_bar, peche, The_Husband
Posted in Izzy on Stepmotherhood | 4 Comments »

Celebrity Blogasm

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Ladies, check it out! It’s me and Heather Armstrong, the creator of dooce.com, the most popular blog on the internet (that’s a fact, not an exaggeration). She was at Book People in Austin, TX last night promoting her memoir, It Sucked and then I Cried. She’s the one on the left and I’m the one in the dowdy gym clothes with a purse strap strangling my boob.

As I anticipated, she was hilarious, heartfelt and dressed like a six-month pregnant rock star. She talked about when she writes (in the morning), the pressure to come up with new content for her blog (dressing up her dogs when writers block strikes) and her new love for Twitter (much easier than writing a book, she admitted).

After waiting in line for half an hour with about two hundred other women having their own celebrity blogasm, I finally made it to the signing table. I introduced myself and made mention that I, too, would be reading from my memoir The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom at Book People very soon. She smiled and gave me an indulgent nod. I understood this to mean, we’re here tonight to talk about my book, not yours, k?

If I would have allowed myself to continue blabbing, I would have told Heather that she was the one who inspired me to start Stepmother’s Milk in the first place. It’s true. Not long after I moved to Austin and became an “instant mother,” someone turned me on to her website. I’d never heard of her. Hell, I didn’t even know what a blog really was and I didn’t have the slightest grasp on the enormity and influence of the mommy bloggers.

Well, Heather changed all that. She introduced me to a new online world where she wrote truthfully about motherhood and marriage, frequently confessing that it was a pain in the ass. I immediately appreciated how her candor and humor provided relief to mothers all over the country. She made women feel like they weren’t in it alone, and that’s when I had my AHA moment. We steps needed our OWN online community of support.

I started Stepmother’s Milk two years ago as therapy for me, and I hoped it would connect me to other stepmoms who, like me, were searching for camaraderie and advice. Sure enough– it worked. My sanity was saved and I met some fantastic women in the process.

Since then, I have watched in amazement as our community has grown. We’re everywhere now! It seems like every day, I discover a new stepmom blog or stepparenting site.

Unlike the generation before us, we’re much more visible and we’re demanding a voice– one that doesn’t apologize or believe that we are dismissible, second-rate mother figures.

This week, Oprah hosted a show called “The Truth About Motherhood.” We’re next.

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Tags: blog, Book_people, dooce.com, heather_armstrong, It_sucked_and_then_I_cried, memoir, Oprah, O_Moms, Stepmother's_milk, the_package_deal, the_truth_about_motherhood
Posted in Step News | 8 Comments »

Stepmom in the Spotlight: Susan Swanson

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Introducing Ms. April!

Susan Davis Swanson is the Executive Director at the Stepfamily Center in Beverly Hills. She’s been a stepmom for more than thirty years! I asked this veteran smom and business woman to share some of her wisdom.

1. Tell us about your stepfamily.

I became a stepmother when I was twenty-five years old. My husband was given full custody of his kids when we were living together, which was very unusual then. So at twenty-five years old, I took on full time responsibility for a six and an eight-year-old. My husband and I were married for a year and then our daughter was born.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t fill the incredible vacuum left by my stepdaughter’s mother and frankly, by her father. My marriage ended twenty-five years later and it saddened me that… my stepdaughter chose to only hold onto to her anger and resentments, all directed at the “evil stepmom”. But I have a nice relationship with my stepson and my daughter and I are very close.

2. You said that when you first became a stepmom, you had a hard time finding resources or support to get you through. Do you think that’s changing for today’s stepmom? How?

Well, today there is the internet which opens resources tremendously. It is still difficult for couples to find couples therapists who specialize in stepfamily dynamics, which is something I am hoping to change for people in Los Angeles. Also there are so many more books on the topic today. Stepparents need the support of people who can really understand [their situation] because there is so much isolation and shame that we put on ourselves. We often cannot live up to the expectations our partner’s place on us, their children place on us, and we place on ourselves.

3. What have you learned after thirty years of stepparenting?

I have really learned how difficult it is because there are so many movable parts in a stepfamily. You might be doing something in your home, but it can easily be sabotaged by the other parent (or grandparents.) Children naturally split, so they can gain sympathy for their plight at any time, which undermines what is going on in your household. With my experience, coming in with two different bio mothers and at two different times of child development, I feel there isn’t anything I don’t know about stepfamily life! I feel it has given me a very unique and broad range experience and because my experiences have been difficult, I really feel very attuned to the challenges stepmothers and couples face.

4. Tell us about your stepfamily center. What are your hopes and goals for the center.

Often I believe what we are meant to do is chosen for us. When I met my current husband I realized that I was supposed to develop a place for stepparents and stepcouples to go for help and support. The Center actually came in a vision. While that may sound strange, when it came, I “knew” that I was supposed to do this. I love my work as a therapist (I also work with depression, anxiety, and trauma, with couples and individuals, and yet it is a big undertaking, so it has become a family affair; my husband is the CEO and my daughter is my VP of communications, so now it is very exciting.

5. I like how your site addresses questions posed by stepdads, teens and kids. Can you talk about something that uniquely affects each one of these groups?

When it comes to teens, the sad thing about remarriage is that so many kids don’t like their stepparents, particularly the stepmoms. What is sad about this is it often begins with hope from everyone that it will work out, and because no one “expects” there to be problems, when the problems arise, tensions flair and everyone feels uncared for, unaccepted and then they don’t want to bother working it out. It is hard enough for parents to raise their own teens, but for a stepparent to deal with someone else’s teens is almost impossible.

Younger children also face loyalty binds that older kids will experience, but younger children are often more flexible to adapting and there can often be more success with a younger child or children.
Bio parents of course feel very protective of their own children (I’m a bio parent, I get it), but this often leaves their new partner “out” of being a “part of”. It is hard for the biological parents to navigate these mixed feelings because they so often will feel caught in the middle and cannot please everyone. So then conflicts begin because the bio parent wants the stepparent to “grow up” and make it easier on them. This is one of the hardest conflicts in a stepcouple.

As for stepparents, it is known in the literature and research that stepmoms have the hardest time in the stepfamily; in fact part-time stepmoms have an even harder time than full time stepmoms! I find that so interesting because I remember wishing we were the family that had every other weekend because I found full time very stressful. But there are so many unrealistic maternal expectations on women and so many stories of “evil,” “malevolent” stepmothers that it is archetypal and women have much to overcome. Not all women can hang in there and overcome this and it is not because they are a failure. Odds are often stacked against them. Stepdads, particularly if they are financially generous, are often more kindly received, though they struggle where to have a role in the discipline, which is often not well received by either the children or the mom.

Given all this, it is truly amazing that forty percent of these families will succeed! The human spirit is amazing!

6. How do you take care of yourself?

My new thing is energy yoga and I am trying to learn how to not work all the time, which is a challenge with a new business. But having a business reminds me of being a full time parent; I learned then that if I didn’t take care of myself, I’m no good to anyone. So now I am realizing that if I don’t replenish myself and take real breaks, I will not be productive. So long walks at the beach, reading, time with my husband and friends and time alone all help me replenish myself. And swimming, when I get the chance!

7. Favorite piece of advice?

Life is not lived in hindsight, it is lived forward. Take your best shot, do the best you know how to do and have no regrets. You are courageous for taking chances.

8. As someone who has counseled many couples on this subject, how do you advise couples maintain a connection throughout these often challenging years?

I cannot stress this enough – TIME TOGETHER! You cannot have a quality relationship if you are only working, handling chores, raising kids, and talking on the phone or on the computer. Couples need to talk and have some fun adult alone time; it takes nurturing to keep your relationship alive and strong. The payoff is wonderful, yet people are so reluctant to put in the time to get the relationship they say they want. Time, respect, and showing appreciation and love every day. It goes a long way to a happier marriage.

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Stepmom in the Spotlight: April the Mad Professor

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

april Introducing Ms. June!

April from Mississippi is this month’s Stepmom in the Spotlight. I met April over at Stepchicks, the popular social networking community for stepmoms. She also blogs regularly at Confessions of a Mad Professor.

April’s a true Southern woman: warm, graceful and wise– with a healthy dose of sass. I liked her right away.

1. How did you meet your husband and what was your reaction when you found out he had a daughter from a previous marriage?
My husband was my student in a college course I was teaching. He had a serious girlfriend and I was engaged at the time. We did not start dating until about 10 months later when we ran into each other again, and were both single!

He told me about his daughter right away. He had a recent picture of the two of them together, and he showed me her picture. At the time I did not believe that my husband and I were going to be long term, so I did not think it was a big deal that he had a daughter. I did think that it was adorable that he loved his little girl so much, and I could tell he was a wonderful daddy.

2. You’ve been in your stepdaughter’s life for six years. How has your relationship changed with her over that time?

My stepdaughter and I are very close. I work from home which allows me to spend tons of quality time with her. I also am very motivated to expand her mind, and show her all the fascinating things that my parents showed me as I grew up. We like to travel so I have tried to foster the traveling bug in her!

My stepdaughter is very easy to love. I met her when she was five and she will be twelve this year. She’s is very affectionate and cuddly. It is impossible not to love a little girl that curls up on the couch with you and cuddles! She loves to read and we have a lot in common in our tastes in films and books. Over the past six years, I have grown to love my stepdaughter. She is a very special little girl, and she is going to become an outstanding young woman.

3. You live in Mississippi and your stepdaughter lives in Arizona. How have you separately, and together with your husband, parented from afar?

This one is tough. Her dad feels that since he sees her so infrequently he doesn’t want to spend all his time disciplining her, so we have struggled over this issue. Although, he does want to be involved. When she was in the fourth grade and misbehaving, her mom called to discuss it with my husband. He got on the phone and let her know that if he heard about it again, he was going to get on the next plane to Phoenix and bring the discipline with him!

My husband and I have been trying to work together as a team to make sure we parent consistently. We have worked out a system with each other that allows me to signal him when he needs to intervene. This has taken time though. I would say we hadn’t gotten really good at this until about a year ago.

4. How do you stay connected with her during the school year?

My stepdaughter has a cell phone, so she and I text message every few days. We also call her frequently. We try to see her as much as possible, and usually get her at Thanksgiving, New Year’s, spring break, as well as summer. Additionally, I like to send her packages for holidays. These don’t have to be major holidays. I have sent her Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day packages before. I always try to make fill the packages with fun, inexpensive presents, and I try to include at least one thing for her other two siblings.

5. And how do you think things will change once you move closer?

I am going to be able to see her more! I cannot WAIT to take her out to dinner on a random school night, or spend a Saturday just hanging around with her. When she is with us in the summer, I have a hard time not thinking, “She leaves in four more weeks.” Living closer, I won’t have to have that sad countdown going all the time! If we don’t get something done on Saturday there will be no rush because there’s always Tuesday!

6. What’s your relationship like with your husband’s ex-wife?

I get along with my stepdaughter’s bio-mom VERY well. I would even call us friends. She and my husband married very young. They were divorced long before I came on the scene. We have always gotten along, but it is nice that we like each other. We even went out and socialized together when I was in Phoenix for spring break.

On the other hand, my stepdaughter wishes we didn’t get along quite so well. She has always been a bright child and made the remark that, “She could not get away with anything because we compare notes.” I like my life relatively drama-free, and getting along makes things so nice. A southern woman, I am always polite, but I knew at the very beginning that if I was going to be in my husband’s life then she was going to be in my life, too. It would suit everyone better if we could get along. It turns out she and I have a lot in common, and getting along was a piece of cake!

7. Do you want to have children of your own? Why? Is everyone on board with this?

I don’t know if I want to have children of my own. I kind of do. My husband definitely wants one more. I waffle back and forth. I like my lifestyle. I know that kids will upset that lifestyle. My stepdaughter is old enough now I can take her places when I want to go. I dragged her all over New York City over New Year’s this year, and she did not complain…not even once and it was 18 degrees. I have a tendency to go out of town frequently, and I know that having a child will diminish my ability to travel. I realize that sounds selfish, but I have lived that way for thirty-two years. It is hard to imagine how my life would change if I had a child.

My stepdaughter is totally against us having a child. She even pouts when we talk about getting another dog! She has a brother and a sister at her mom’s house, and I know she enjoys being a part-time, only child. I probably have not helped in this respect because I spoil her rotten.

8. Talk about your blog, Confessions of a Mad Professor. Where did the name come from… How long have you had the blog…Who do you write it for?

I am an online college professor. My husband calls me the absent-minded professor because I am! I’m also pretty eccentric. Since I’ve always had an affinity for Lewis Carroll’s Mad Hatter, I couldn’t resist naming the blog “Confessions of a Mad Professor.” The blog covers a myriad of topics including my online work, my PhD. program, my marriage, and family. I have had the blog for two years.

9. How do you meet other stepmoms?

I do not have one single stepmom friend in real life. That’s a situation that is going to be rectified when I get to Phoenix… immediately after I unpack my tooth brush. I do meet other stepmoms online at Stepchicks and the Second Wives Café.

10. What’s one piece of advice you have for other stepmoms or for single ladies dating divorced men?

I have two: The first is you need to look deep in yourself. If your future skiddos are going to be very young when you get married then you need to decide if you can love those kids like you would love your own children. If the answer is no then you really need to decide if you should be involved in the relationship.

Two: When dealing with the biological mom, you have to realize that at one time your husband loved her. I personally think that my husband has impeccable taste in women, and his ex is an outstanding person. She’s just not right for him. It helped me at the beginning to keep that in mind.

Visit April at Confessions of a Mad Professor.