Stepmom or Second Mom?
About a year ago, I wrote a post titled What’s in a Name? At the time, I was struggling with what to call my stepkids– my kids, stepkids, the little creeps I live with– and what they should call me– stepmom, Izzy or that weird lady down the hall.
Recently, a new reader stumbled upon the post and has revived the debate. “It’s amazing how just a simple name, a simple word, can be so emotionally charged…”
This reader refers to her stepkids as the most important kids in her world, which I think is very sweet. I can relate to this having no kids of my own (that is, babies who baked in my oven). Indeed, The Tall One and The Young One are the most important kids in my world.
As I was mulling all this over, I came across this excellent post on the Los Angeles Moms Blog. It, too, addresses the issue of name-calling…
“Stepdaughter has sometimes referred to me as her “second mom,” and I appreciate that. I’m not a replacement - I’m a supplement. I’m another adult that she and her brother can look to for care and support, without taking anything away from their “real” parents.”
For a while now, I’ve been looking for a name to replace the very dated, and often negatively charged, “stepmom.”
Ladies, please do weigh in. What do you think of Second Mom? It’s growing on me.
If I didn’t already have the moniker “Stepmom” I wouldn’t mind Mom 2 or Second Mom. But then again, I’ve been called “Stepmom” for a year now so it seems odd when they call me Erin.
I don’t feel like a mom to our kids. I feel like a parent, but not a mom. Like an adjunct parent, maybe. That doesn’t really help with the name issue, though. I’m not a big fan of the word stepmom, either. It has the word mom in it. The name sounds like “not mom” to me. The word ex-wife sounds like “not wife” to me, too. I wish we had names that had more to do with what we are.
I second your dislike of the “not” names. I make a point of refering to my skids mom not as “ex-wife” but as “the girls’ mother” - it feels like a way to define/name her that is positive and present tense, rather than continuing to define her via something that she was. I think I would hate to forever be defined as the ex of one of my exes, just because I have kids with him, when I’ve moved on to a new and better relationship. But I’m still struggling with a substitute for “not mom”/stepmom that has an all-around positive connotation.
A while back I wrote a post on the same topic about who should be called by what name (in stepdom).
I have my own feelings on the subject and was pleasantly surprised by the feedback and diverse points of view on the topic.
I do what Kate does, referring to Maleficent as “Cinderella’s Mom” not the ex-wife - but usually only when I am in Cinderella’s presence. I never realized that until now, actually. With other adults, I almost always use the negative “EX-wife” label. I need to work on that!
I, too, tackled this issue on my blog a while back and searched for some alternate titles for Stepmoms: http://wickedstepmom.blogspot.com/2006/04/stepmom-names-few-suggestions.html.
I refer to myself as Stepmom b/c no other name seems to fit or sound right to me. I’ve been Stepmom for so long, we’ve just gotten used to it.
I refer to my (step) son as my bonus son or just my son - depending on how he feels or who we’re talking to. I’ve learned to read him and kinda just know him by now. I really don’t like the word “step” because it implies that I’m a step away from mothering him and he’s a step away from acting like a normal son. Speaking of normal….almost-12-year-old boys are anything but. :P
The word “bonus” totally throws most people but I like to think that I’m educating them and doing my part to change the image of “step” parents and kids. Most people just raise an eyebrow and react kindly to the word “bonus.”
The kids call me Carol, they always have and I’m okay with that. But I must admit the first time one of the girls vowed and declared that the Sunday before mothers day was forever to be known to her as “National Step Mothers Day” it did give me a secret thrill. The first time they actually had even used the word. And I love it when they introduce me to their friends as their “step mum” because I feel it’s acknowledging my role in their lives. I’m not their real mum, so I’m okay with that. I’m not just Carol, their dad’s new wife. I’m their step mum and proud of it.
Maybe I’m okay with the title as they’re teens now and not littlies.
Izzy,
Great topic! It’s been 3.5 years since I married into my blended family and I still haven’t gotten used to the name “step-mom”. I’m lucky. I have for the most part a great relationship with my kids mom ~ weekly coffee and the occassional girls evening out for some wine and good conversation. Last time I teared up thanking her for having these 2 beautiful kids~we are two mothers who love our kids. To some this is shocking. To me this is a way for me to guide (or think I have some control) my life and not be at external societal whims. It’s not always easy being friends with my hubsands ex-wife but it is WORTH it. The kids mom doesn’t like “step-mom” either and called me an “assistant-mom” one day. That of course didn’t work. I’m not her “assistant”. We came up with “Other Mom” or “OM” as my daughter says, since she regulary sees me practicing yoga.
Let’s change the archaic “step-mom” name on a broad level. Not that it has to be “Other-Mom” but their mom didn’t die and I’m not “Stepping” in for her since she is fully engaged in their lives. I am a wonderful addition to their lives as they are all to mine…
I absolutely love the “OM” that Izzy wrote about. “OMA” sounds good too. We are experimenting right now in our house with “Mum”. We started looking at Matrigna which is Italian for step mother but that is just too hard for them to remember. So we broke names down. My oldest liked “MO” which is short for MOM or MOTHER. I might even use what Izzy has. Hubby really liked it and since I do yoga, that makes it even cuter.
The down side to this is that their father reminded them to use mum on the phone while they were at their moms house and she has gone bolistic over it. It turned into a bad night. She thinks we are forcing the kids. When I mentioned it to the girls that I wasn’t comfortable with Kelley anymore and that we should come up with something else, they got excited and said that they were waiting for me. That surprised me beyond belief but now I am worried that their mom will ruin what was going to be a good thing in our household. Now they will be confused and worried I fear because she will tell them how she feels which I find ironic since she tells us that I am putting my feelings before theirs. I just don’t get it.
Does anyone have an idea of how to handle this situation?
Thanks,
Kelley
My stepdaughter used to call me mommy and her mother mamma, and then her mother made her stop calling me mommy when she was 4. (It broke my heart!) When she was really little, 2, she used to call me by her mother’s name for some reason. So her father had her me by a name that rhymes with her mother’s name. The catch? I HATE, HATE, the name she calls me. (It’s a name people used to use to make fun of me.) Over the years it’s really gotten on my nerves and now I’m trying to get her to call me by my real name, and it’s not going very well. (She’s only five, after all, so it’s confusing for her). Sigh. Now I know that I should have stuck up for myself in the first place.
Sorry Kelley, this isn’t Izzy. Didn’t mean to mislead…
My kids don’t always call me OM and they do often refer to me as step-mom to people because that is the easiest way to differentiate me from their mom. I try not to let those moments take away from the moments they call me OM. In time I believe it will stick more and more. Patience. No need to stress myself or them over it. I refer to myself more and more to teachers at school, friend’s parents etc. as their Other Mom…it’s taken me a little courage and some getting used to. You’ll find your way.
I have another friend who calls herself the kids’ Bonus Mom. I like that name too…here is a website talking about Bonus Families that may be of interest..http://www.bonusfamilies.com/
OM,
No problem, I thought I read that you were quoting it… my bad! :)
I still love it and we have opted for OMA at this time as a possibility. I have started to refer to me as the bonus mom instead of stepmom. I usally refer to them as my daughters but occasionally say step daughters to clarify.
We talked to the kids last night about the name issue with their mom and found out that she went ballistic and made the kids feel bad for calling me Mum but they still wanted to call me something else. It is sad to see the kids so confused. They understand my role and they know how I feel about my position and that I never want to replace their mother. They get it at 9 and 10. Sure wish their mother would get it at 33. :( She really caused a lot of pain this last week. I understand her worries but I wish she would have behaved differently and actually took the kids feelings into consideration. We are just going to tell the kids to call me OMA at our house and we will come up with something else in front of their mom.
We will work it out… as you said…PATIENCE!
My stepkids call me Mamasan… it started as a joke, but has stuck for a few years now. You should see the looks we get when they call me that in public. ;)
Somehow, smom and smommy came about…usually it’s just ‘Lauri’ and when talking with their friends the older one says ‘my stepmom’ and the younger says ‘my smom’. I usually say ‘the girls’ when talking about them.
Kelley, Oma means Grandma in German :) Just letting you know. :)
We were discussing names a while back, and I kinda like the idea of them calling me Mutti (pronounced Muu-tee) which is mommy in German. I like smom, but I think their mom would flip out. DH’s oldest calls me mom on again/off again. As soon as it slips in front of Her, he stops for a while. She makes this low gutteral noise, like a big dog growling, and in this scary voice says, “I’M Your MOTHER” I almost wanted to roll on my back and tuck my tail betwixt my legs when it happened. I call them my son and daughters unless I want to clarify, or am speaking with someone who knows Her.
Triple K,
That is what I call my mom! And it is the name my little niece calls her too. I love it- very cute and affectionate.