I’ve discovered a new stepmom blogger. She goes by Chelle and she has written a thoughtful post outlining the pros and cons for blogging about the ex-wife relationship.
Here’s an excerpt…
” Don’t throw things onto your blog that you’ll wish you could take back… Try to find empathy for your counter-mom. She just might do the same for you. She brought that beautiful child to life, and no matter how many reasons you believe you have to be angry and even combative, nothing changes that. As the mom she deserves more. As the step-mom, so do you. Create a bond. Find reasons to love her. She will be in your life forever.”
Since launching Stepmother’s Milk, I have felt torn over what I should and should not write about when it comes to the EX. I created this platform for myself so that I could write honestly, but I have to be careful. My step-darlings read my site and I don’t see how it will ever benefit me to bash their mother. Talk about a recipe for disaster.
Plus, I’m not a big fan of conflict, so given the choice– I avoid it. That said, there have been particular situations where I felt compelled to speak up– not because I was looking for a fight or to simply bitch-bitch, but because I needed some guidance. Are my feelings valid or am I out of my mind?
When I write about the EX, it’s because I need my stepladies to help me get clear. I created this site to build a community of like-minded stepmoms– not to grow my relationship with the EX. Do I need to be fair to my husband’s ex-wife? Yes. Should I be decent? Absolutely. But, when it comes down to it, this site is not about her– it’s about me.
Posts 
I saw Chelle’s blog post as well and it made me rethink how I’ve written about the ex on my own blog.
My first inclination is to want to lash out, but then I think about the implications if she ever found my blog.
The post raises a really good point. Cheers for all the stepladies out there that can do it with dignity and respect…or to paraphrase Violet from 9 to 5 “I am [a parent] and as such I expect to be treated with a little dignity and a little respect!”
Since having had the Ex find my site, I have started to fully make private my more “bash” type posts, where even my members of my site do not have access… Now, I will now and then invite a reader to read, if I feel that reader could offer some insight, but more often the not, I leave them 100% private. Honestly, I write to let my frustrations out, I do not invite family (except my husband) to read, since I sometimes write how annoyed they make me feel.. Knowing that the EX did find and lurked on my site for who knows how long, I have learned the need to still write, but write more privately. I let her chase me from writing for several years, I will not allow fear of her reading to stop my writing..
But that is just me…
I read Chelle’s post also, and it is great that she is past all that hatred and can be at terms with the “real” mom, but there are some of us out there, every day we wonder how the “real” mom could be called a mom at all…
I used to write about the ex, but not anymore. Sure I vent to my friends and family, but I decided my blog is for me. I want it to be about my life and the events/moments that I want to remember. Trust me. I do not want to remember more about her than I have to. I suppose, for me, it just comes down to….she’s not worth writing about.
Then again, I completely understand why some women do. It helps. It’s an outlet, and don’t get me wrong, I love reading what they have to say. It’s just not for me.
My husband’s ex hasn’t found my blog (yet). I sometimes worry about her reaction to some of my more emotional posts and rants from the past… but then again, I remind myself that my blog is MY blog and MY place to express my feelings and reactions to what was going on in my life at the time. Emotional posts aren’t rational, nor do they sometimes reflect the complete truth (meaning BOTH sides of the issue).
I hope that when/if Maleficent ever finds my blog that I will be able to stand by that argument. ;)
I find it comforting to read all step mom posts to see what others are dealing with out there. I appreciate this forum. Keep up the good work!
I love her insights here. Mostly, it helps us vent and get out frustrations if we can simply write, process our thoughts and know that other smoms are dealing with or have dealt with the same issues we deal with. Bottom line: When you’re thinking of bashing and lashing out at the BM (either in person or in a blog), think about your schildren reading this blog when they’re old enough to understand more about relationships. It will speak volumes about your character. Take the high road. I’ve always remembered the advice my mom gave me when I married my husband. “Kill her with kindness”. God blesses those who choose to love even when it’s the most difficult thing we’ve ever had to do!
“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” —Proverbs 10:12
“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.” —Luke 6:27-35
I agree. I started an anoymous blog other than my family blog to be able to vent a bit more – without necessarily bashing her – but telling the truth that she often avoids. I have come across several blogs that I read daily now and enjoy. They are very insightful and without the been there, done that, this is what happened posts – we would all still be internally debating with ourselves if we are secretly going insane. We help each other understand ourselves and deal or work with our own situations – which often are very similar. I am excited each time I come across another blog.
I have never felt torn about what I should place on my blog. It is not anonymous because I have nothing to hide. Clearly, the ex-wife and I have our issues and because we can’t speak in person; the blog is the only place to articulate how I feel. I hope she finds it and is prompted to respond, honestly. I firmly believe that open, honest dialogue, both positive and negative, promotes change. It is the first step towards attempting to truly understand where the other party is coming from. One cannot seek true understanding without first hearing the truth. The truth about how her actions make me feel. The truth about how we see her actions affecting her child. The truth about even my own contribution to the breakdown in communication – THE TRUTH! Through my blog, countless second and ex-wives have begun to heal because I tell the truth…no sugar-coating. It has forced them to check themselves. It has given them a different perspective;one they say they never would’ve thought of if not for reading my blog. Overall, like the blended family, my blog isn’t solely for my own healing; it is to help others, both second and ex-wives, begin to heal as well.
My blog is for me. I do write entries on social networking sites and I will never bash any of the bonus kids’ mothers in there.
The daughter’s mother I don’t hear much from. The son’s mother FEEDS on internet drama. She claims her blog is like her diary but she forgets that unlike a diary it’s public. She often will write about things using full names, photos and locations that she doesn’t have the guts to say over the phone or face to face.
However she is my (future) step son’s mother so I use code names on my actual blog blog.
You blog is about you and how you feel. If you are feeling a certain way because of or related to the ex then post it. That is what having a blog is all about. Say what you want when you want. It will make you feel better.
I am having a problem with my step children. They visit us twice a month and no matter how much I made things comfortable for them, they do not communicate to me. No, that is wrong. They communicate when they want more food or dessert. I have tried to talk to them and even took them on outings when their Dad had to work. It seems like they have a wall up and really don’t care. It bothers me because I want us to be a family. I have in no way tried to replace their mother, though I believe that their loyalty to their mother is what keeping them from connecting. It is both frustrating and very uncomfortable. I am opened to suggestions on how to deal with their visits. I was once thinking about just leaving and letting them have private time with their father. He has said that he talked with them and they say everything is ok. I really try to connect with them. It seems that all they want is food and dessert and chooses not to communicate. I have stopped forcing conversation and have decided to step back. This takes me out of my natural element because I am a nuturing person and just feel comfortable when everyone is getting along, having fun and happy. They look at television all day when they are here and seems to be ok with isolation from me. Any suggestions to help me deal with this will be helpful.
You get A for effort, but you’re working too hard and not getting anything back…at least not from the kids You’re putting too much pressure on yourself to manage these relationships. It’s not your fault that your sks aren’t snuggling up and talking to you. They’re not ready yet. At least they’re enjoying your food! Who knows what the exwife is saying about you; you can’t control that. Don’t force the issue, back off, try to relax, be you, take breaks if you need to, and DON’T take it personally. (I know that’s hard!!) Before you know it, and when you least expect it, you’ll find that you ARE having fun as a family, if only for a moment. It’ll build slowly. Don’t worry, it takes time…and patience.
Good luck – hang in there!
Susan
Susan Wisdom
Stepcoupling.com