Comments on: Hard Work = Hard Work http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/ a blog for advice, forum, help and guidance for the stepmom, stepkids and stepfamily Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:07:49 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Lauren Kohn http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/#comment-4348 Lauren Kohn Fri, 22 Aug 2008 04:24:13 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/?p=339#comment-4348 Izzy, you are right on about Randy Pausch's book. He's got a whole slew of awesome stuff in there, and my stepdaughter made her way through it with the tissue box. It's an inspiring book that we can all get something out of. Wish we still lived in Austin so that I could attend your stepmothering events... Izzy, you are right on about Randy Pausch’s book. He’s got a whole slew of awesome stuff in there, and my stepdaughter made her way through it with the tissue box. It’s an inspiring book that we can all get something out of.

Wish we still lived in Austin so that I could attend your stepmothering events…

]]> By: loulou http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/#comment-4330 loulou Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:51:36 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/?p=339#comment-4330 oh please, all of you wonderful sweet ladies - tell me i have found the help i need! i am engaged to a wonderful man with a 14 year old daughter. she's basically a good kid and i genuinely care about her and want to do what's best for her. I have no children of my own, so i've had to go from zero to one hundred (or fourteen) almost instantly. Between the daughter trying to play me to get around her parents, the father being in denial about his little girl becoming a woman, and the mother deliberately undermining the father's ability to parent, it's making me more than a little overwhelmed...and that has me wondering if shouldn't wait four more years to marry him. i'm still trying to figure out where i fit into all of this - when i have a right to step in and say something and when i have to step back and let them work it out. the father, daughter and i will be living in the same house in a month. i'm tempted to move in first and change the locks. i know i love this man and i truly want to be a positive part of his daughter's life. i just don't know how this all works. if anyone out there can share their advice (other than hold the vermouth and make it dirty...) or could share their story, it would be appreciated more than you know. (and exactly how much you know). many thanks! oh please, all of you wonderful sweet ladies - tell me i have found the help i need! i am engaged to a wonderful man with a 14 year old daughter. she’s basically a good kid and i genuinely care about her and want to do what’s best for her. I have no children of my own, so i’ve had to go from zero to one hundred (or fourteen) almost instantly. Between the daughter trying to play me to get around her parents, the father being in denial about his little girl becoming a woman, and the mother deliberately undermining the father’s ability to parent, it’s making me more than a little overwhelmed…and that has me wondering if shouldn’t wait four more years to marry him. i’m still trying to figure out where i fit into all of this - when i have a right to step in and say something and when i have to step back and let them work it out. the father, daughter and i will be living in the same house in a month. i’m tempted to move in first and change the locks.
i know i love this man and i truly want to be a positive part of his daughter’s life. i just don’t know how this all works. if anyone out there can share their advice (other than hold the vermouth and make it dirty…) or could share their story, it would be appreciated more than you know. (and exactly how much you know). many thanks!

]]> By: az-mouse http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/#comment-4324 az-mouse Sun, 17 Aug 2008 15:00:20 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/?p=339#comment-4324 Izzy, I think I will be going out to buy that book! I thought it was just my 16 year old! Right now the big struggle is school, she will only do home work for teachers that she deems worthy! She is very excited that her math teacher this year "knows more than she does about math"! We keep telling her, your "stupid" teacher can still fail you for not turning in your super easy homework, so why not do it! When I think back to "best practices" when my 16 yr old was a baby, it's no wonder that they feel such a sense of entitlement. We were very concerned about self esteem and never criticized or corrected too much for fear of damaging fragile egos, as well as a multitude of other over indulgences. I don't know if that was such a great plan......... Izzy, I think I will be going out to buy that book! I thought it was just my 16 year old! Right now the big struggle is school, she will only do home work for teachers that she deems worthy! She is very excited that her math teacher this year “knows more than she does about math”! We keep telling her, your “stupid” teacher can still fail you for not turning in your super easy homework, so why not do it!

When I think back to “best practices” when my 16 yr old was a baby, it’s no wonder that they feel such a sense of entitlement. We were very concerned about self esteem and never criticized or corrected too much for fear of damaging fragile egos, as well as a multitude of other over indulgences. I don’t know if that was such a great plan………

]]> By: susana juanita http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/#comment-4322 susana juanita Thu, 14 Aug 2008 03:05:40 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/?p=339#comment-4322 Dear Izzy: I remember an older colleague recommending to me that the best thing you can do with a stubborn child is to do what you can and then leave them alone. I loved that notion, because I was tired and defeated, but I came to realize it didn't work for her and it wasn't the best thing in my case and with my step. You have to hang in there and that's hard work. But if you are lucky one day you finally emerge from some really cruddy times and you have an honest, loving relationship with this kid you wanted to so desperately toss back to her mother.Have faith. Susana Juanita Dear Izzy: I remember an older colleague recommending to me that the best thing you can do with a stubborn child is to do what you can and then leave them alone. I loved that notion, because I was tired and defeated, but I came to realize it didn’t work for her and it wasn’t the best thing in my case and with my step. You have to hang in there and that’s hard work. But if you are lucky one day you finally emerge from some really cruddy times and you have an honest, loving relationship with this kid you wanted to so desperately toss back to her mother.Have faith.
Susana Juanita

]]> By: Kristi http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/#comment-4299 Kristi Fri, 08 Aug 2008 02:02:37 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/?p=339#comment-4299 Izzy Rose you are so right on and thank you so much for bringing up this subject of many of the teens today feeling privilaged. There is a book out (that I have yet to read, it is on my list) about this subject and it is called "The Price of Privelage". I am drawing a blank on the authors name, but I have read a number of her articles and she talks about this very same thing in regards to todays teens. Thanks again for making us think. Izzy Rose you are so right on and thank you so much for bringing up this subject of many of the teens today feeling privilaged. There is a book out (that I have yet to read, it is on my list) about this subject and it is called “The Price of Privelage”. I am drawing a blank on the authors name, but I have read a number of her articles and she talks about this very same thing in regards to todays teens. Thanks again for making us think.

]]> By: clevergirl http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/#comment-4298 clevergirl Thu, 07 Aug 2008 23:03:25 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/?p=339#comment-4298 Parents and society have created this, and few people admit that it is a problem. I see it at school all the time - parents who do "anything" for their "little girl/boy": excuse them from school at their whim, do their hw for them (seriously), buy them everything they ask for as well as stuff they don't, and the biggest one...they let them talk to their parents disrespectfully and they never get punished for anything. Everything is always someone else's fault, and it is the parent's that tell the kids that. Very few are ever forced to take responsibility for anything, and the ones that are take on too much including raising younger siblings and working to feed the family as well as a full load of AP classes to try and get into college. Somewhere there has to be a happy medium, but parents aren't looking for it because *most* don't see it as a problem. Parents and society have created this, and few people admit that it is a problem. I see it at school all the time - parents who do “anything” for their “little girl/boy”: excuse them from school at their whim, do their hw for them (seriously), buy them everything they ask for as well as stuff they don’t, and the biggest one…they let them talk to their parents disrespectfully and they never get punished for anything. Everything is always someone else’s fault, and it is the parent’s that tell the kids that.

Very few are ever forced to take responsibility for anything, and the ones that are take on too much including raising younger siblings and working to feed the family as well as a full load of AP classes to try and get into college.

Somewhere there has to be a happy medium, but parents aren’t looking for it because *most* don’t see it as a problem.

]]> By: IzzyRose http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/#comment-4294 IzzyRose Thu, 07 Aug 2008 18:19:12 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/?p=339#comment-4294 Why should we let our sons- step or otherwise- slide? It's our responsibility, isn't it, to raise men-- not little boys? We do them a disservice if we don't at least try to prepare them to be the kind of men we admire-- competent, independent, hard-working and grateful. IR Why should we let our sons- step or otherwise- slide? It’s our responsibility, isn’t it, to raise men– not little boys? We do them a disservice if we don’t at least try to prepare them to be the kind of men we admire– competent, independent, hard-working and grateful.

IR

]]> By: MP http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/08/07/hard-work-hard-work/#comment-4293 MP Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:20:44 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/?p=339#comment-4293 Wow. Wow. Wow. You have hit home with me. We are going through the same exact thing with my stepson. The problem for me is that I am the only one riding him. It seems as if his other parents expect less and less of him as he delivers less and less. When he does poorly his other parents fall back on saying "he's a boy" and shrug it off as if it's just to be expected from all boys. It's become a crazy situation. I worry about his future since he has so little drive. I'm really tired of being perceived as the evil woman who enforces grounding. I actually told him few weeks ago that he is lucky that I didn't give birth to him because he would be grounded most of the time and that his little brothers and sisters will be if they do the things he does (or doesn't do). I'm worried about him and can't figure out what to do. I don't want to give up on him. Wow. Wow. Wow. You have hit home with me. We are going through the same exact thing with my stepson. The problem for me is that I am the only one riding him. It seems as if his other parents expect less and less of him as he delivers less and less. When he does poorly his other parents fall back on saying “he’s a boy” and shrug it off as if it’s just to be expected from all boys. It’s become a crazy situation. I worry about his future since he has so little drive. I’m really tired of being perceived as the evil woman who enforces grounding. I actually told him few weeks ago that he is lucky that I didn’t give birth to him because he would be grounded most of the time and that his little brothers and sisters will be if they do the things he does (or doesn’t do). I’m worried about him and can’t figure out what to do. I don’t want to give up on him.

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