On the subject of disciplining (or not) our unruly stepkids…
How are we supposed to keep a distance, not meddle and still exercise control over our own households? Hey, I may not be the mother, but this is where I live. I’ve been invited into this family and how far do I go in?
Many of you, I’ve read, are frustrated with your husbands for not exercising enough control over their sons and daughters. I’ve read complaints ranging from… He’s a pushover. He’s too indulgent. He’s afraid to be the bad-guy.
In my house, I often have the opposite dilemma. The Husband is a graduate of the School of Tough Love and he’s become a powerful Instructor of Discipline himself. His lectures are persuasive, but sometimes he needs to soften his delivery. I’m often asking him to pull back, not push harder.
So, naturally, I’ve wondered– what’s the difference between my situation and yours?
It seems that many of you who are battling with your husbands over a lack of discipline are living with stepdaughters. Could this be the variable? Maybe the dynamics are different when it comes to a divorced man and his girls versus a divorced dad with boys?
I may not be the mother, but this is where I live.
When I was younger, my stepdad avoided situations where he had to discipline me. He said, “I was afraid to [discipline you] and didn’t think I really had the standing to assume that role.” My stepdad left me alone, but he had no problem disciplining his own daughters– my stepsisters Piper and Gigi. When it came to his bio-kids, he was one demanding dude.
Stepladies, I understand we all have very unique situations. Every step family has its own set of defects that need adjusting and still, I’m curious about the common threads that run through our lives.
As always, please do weigh in.
Posts 
What a great site – I’ve just found you — and for so long I was looking for a blog exactly like this — or was threatening to start my own …
I’ve found that it was best for us that my husband be the primary disciplinarian — not to say that I don’t step in and discipline if the offending action is directly related to me…(which, with an eight year old boy, isn’t unusual) but we’ve been doing this for five years now…and my role as support person to my husband, the primary disciplinarian works well — on the total flipside, X, as I refer to her, just remarried a man and when she relinquished her role as disciplinarian to W (her son, my stepson), it served to create alot of tension and problems that they’re just adjusting to now.
I can’t wait to read more of this blog and hopefully be connected to a web of other stepmoms!
Pam… Great to have you. Check out the forum to connect with more ladies. I give you credit for not stepping in and disciplining…it is very hard for me to keep my comments to myself. Anxious to hear more about you, W and X.
IR
I have three of my own and one stepchild. I’m not a pushover or a big meanie. My significant other (living together for the time being), however, is all too often a pushover. He and his family have always babied my stepson his entire life (almost 10 years) because his “Mom” walked out on him. Well, now the boy has learned that all he has to do is pout a little and he gets his way. I have told his Dad that this behavior has to stop because it’s going to turn him into a child that no one wants to be around and an adult that can’t cope with life when it doesn’t go his way. Grandmother fully backs me up on this issue and his Dad is starting to see the light, too. From day one, I have put my foot down with my stepson because I feel that you have to command respect from the beginning. I treat exactly as I do my biological children and I think that my stepson is finally opening up to it and my way of doing things.
I let Bio dad do it all!!!!!! but if comes to my own child then I step in when I have too, but don’t let them walk all over me. I do have a soft spot’s for them, because of all the stuff Bio moms put them through. Just want time here to be happy so they can have some happy memories of Child hood. My heart breaks for them but if you respect each other as I say to them we will all get on.
Hello! I feel like I have to step in because my son and stepson are the same age, and I have to be consistent. I think my husband and I are both harder on my son, because he lives with us all the time, and we fear the wrath of bio-mom if my stepson gets upset. At bio-moms house, no ones teaches stepson basic manners, social skills, etc. So when we’re all together and he acts up, I can’t have my son thinking it’s OK. I know it’s not stepson’s fault, he doesn’t know better, but at some point, some one has to keep order.
JJ- I agree. Different rules for different kids could get messy– and confusing! I think I’ve been able to take on a more disciplinarian role as a stepmom because The Husband and I have at least one (out of two) of the boys full time. Their mother lives out of the state, so we don’t have the common back and forth, which has its own set off pluses and minuses.
IR
Hi! Again, I’m new here but have been reading for a while and felt you’d made an interesting point. My BF has 2 children – SD 17 and SS 14. I find that he is very lenient with SD but strict with SS. He says that this is because their reactions to being told off are different. SS will accept the consequences if he has done wrong and apologises. Then 5 mins later everything is forgotten and everyone is happy. SD meanwhile refuses to admit she’s ever done anything wrong, blames everyone else, sulks and holds a grudge until she is cajoled into joining in again. Often she will play up seemingly just to get me to say something, even if it is just her name, then stomps off to her room. I’ve never taken a hand in discipline but have made requests for better behaviour. SS will often accept this but SD will not. BF’s mother has suggested that this is a power trip for her and she is trying to be in control. Is this common behaviour for SDs?
-M
This is such interesting timing, as it was the topic of discussion at our last session of marriage counseling. I have been married to Husband for 5 years and my step-daughter is going into 6th grade. I have often felt compelled to correct her on small things (not big issues, I leave those to him), but have learned over the years that this brings looks between Husband and SD that I interpret as “WhatEVER! Just wait till she goes away and you can do what you want.” I have essentially removed myself from a parenting role in response to this and end up resentful because I have no control over when she comes and goes or what she wears or who she talks to on MySpace, which I honestly feel someone should be keeping track of, right? The therapist’s conclusion: When she asks to go somewhere, use the computer, do something, Dad should say if it is alright with him, then say “but double check with Gina, to be sure she doesn’t mind.” Supposedly this will show here that we are parenting together and making decisions as a family. Or it will make me be even more of the evil step-mother. I’m sure I will be posting once we try it out!
Gina- I really feel like even though we are not the mother, we are still the parent and it is still our house. Why wouldn’t we weigh in on decisions and discipline? When we don’t have a voice, we are powerless and our stepkids, I fear, pick up on this and exploit it. I feel very grateful that The Husband defers to me and I defer to him. We have one set of rules and neither one us has a bigger say.
IR
I am new here and would like your opinions on a previous discipline decision. I usually let husband deal with the skids, but jumped in head first on this one. We recently experienced a situation in which personal space (our bedroom) was invaded. This is a definite no-no in our home. Subsequently, a keyed lock was put on the bedroom door- at my request. SS 15 is now very angry and throwing around the, “Well, it is my dad’s house. And I can go into my mom’s room any time I want.” Husband and I spoke with him together concerning the issue, trying to present the united front, but I still feel like I was walked on. Was I wrong to step in on this?
Thought I should comment. I am new to this blog as well, and LOVE it! I’ve been a step-mom for four years. When my husband and I first became serious and I was spending a lot of time with his daughter we had the talk. We decided that for me to be seen as a parent I need to be able to parent as if she were my own child. I treat her as my own all the time. In play and teaching and disciplining. It has worked out well. We have her for the school years and she is with her mom for the summers. She loves me like her mom and respects me. We have an unbelievable relationship and I think that is partially due to the fact that I took on the disciplinarian role as became natural. She’s now 8 and we couldn’t be closer. I hope it continues to work so well.
Welcome Michelle and thanks for the input. Sounds like you have a great relationship. I wonder if our stepkids learn to respect us more when we take more of a parenting and authority position early on? I’ve so enjoyed reading all your comments. As always, I learn something.
IR
My step-sons were 5 and 9 when their father and I started dating (they are 18 and 22 now). We were living in my house and they would come to visit us every weekend. I simply treated them like I would have any other small child. They were living under my roof so my rules. We married after 2 years and for the most part things went well. There were some bumpy times when older step-son was in high school, but nothing worth writing about. They’ve always seen me as a parent and I’ve always treated them as my kids.
The only major issues we’ve had is that their mother stopped parenting the younger one about 18 months ago and we had to try and step in to fill the void. But every time we attempted to set goals and consequences with him (it was all school work-related and college planning stuff), she would undermine us by telling him he didn’t have to do anything we said. All we could do was continue to parent him the way we needed to and hope that at least some of it sunk in. He got into a good college, so we feel we did our job and we just hope that having her as a mother won’t be a life-long handicap for our kids. I sometimes wonder what my husband was thinking marrying that woman, but I love my step-sons and she helped to create them. And I never have to write the bitch a child support check again!
We are blessed in that DW and I (each “step” to the other’s 2 children) have near identical discipline styles and techniques. When appropriate, neither of us has any problem with disciplining the other’s biological children and trust one another implicitly in that arena.
I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the difficulty that many others face in this regard. Strangely, I had significant problems with my ex in that regard. Shocking, I know.
Mister-M, always great to get a males perspective on stepparenting. Thanks for chiming in.
IR
In the last year or so, I’ve been speaking up directly with our boys about what I can live with and what I think is okay for them to do and what I can’t live with and what’s not okay for them to do. For the first few years I just watched the family dynamic and talked with my husband behind closed doors about what I could and couldn’t live with from the kids and what I thought was okay or not okay for them to be doing and suggested ways he could guide them along. Actually, first, I started out just watching. Then I moved to the behind-closed-doors conversations and the asking him to change some things. And now, mostly, I just speak up, straight to the kids. That progression seemed to work pretty well.
My husband and the kids’ mom don’t believe in discipline in the sense of punishment — which was pretty foreign to me at first, but the kids were doing really well as kids and as people — they were great — so it seemed to be working. So absolutely didn’t try to change that! (Talk about a short road to major unpopularity and strife.)
Love your site! I’ve recently started a blog to encourage and inspire other stepmoms facing the same issues I’m facing or have experienced. I’ve added your site to mine. I wish I had had resources like this when I first married my husband! Hopefully we can connect with other stepmoms to encourage them and create a network of great support. Being a stepmom is something no one else can relate to but other stepmoms. It’s difficult, overwhelming and frustrating at times and we all need all the support we can get! Check out my site:
http://thestepmomlife.blogspot.com/
Great job and looking forward to reading more!
OMG. I just came across your site and I am so glad I did. I have been hoping for some support out there; I’m finding discipline to be the biggest subject of question for me. My hubby is a lousy disciplinarian (he admits it), not wanting to be the bad guy, but since having a baby, I just can’t put up with the terrible behavior coming out of my stepkids (ages nearly 5 and 6) – I don’t want it to model the behavior for my own now-1 year old. I will be reading this site and trying to gleen as much advice from it as a possible! I feel powerless and clueless; the stepkids DO listen to me, but I’m afraid of turning into a step-monster simply because Dad doesn’t know how to parent them anymore. Is this divorced dad ‘guilt’ the seemingly driving factor and the common issue here? This is causing me sleepless nights!
Yup, Dad sounds like he is suffering from post divorce guilt, so he is being a “good guy” parent, but not an effective parent. And you will be the ogre (Cruella). Can I make a suggestion? You and he sit down, make some rules that the kids get, consequence to breaking the rules (no hitting each other. lst time get a 10 minutes time out, 2nd time a 20 minutes time out, 3rd time go to bed 1/2 hour earlier that night – works if you have already established a bedtime!), etc. But Dad needs to be the enforcer at first or else you will be in that awful cruel stepmom position! Dad needs to understand that he also not only help you be more successful but he can help his kids be more succesful by being a parent with rules and consequences – kids need boundaries and rules in order to grow up successfully!
Oh, and another suggestion to House Rules is a chart: Each kids gets a star for good behavior – then the kids can get into a contest about being good enough to get the stars. (Positive reinforcement parenting) Get several stars in a week and you get a bonus, get this many (40) in a month (for older kids) and you get (something they want that is not necessarily monetary). It works nicely to teach kids respect, to be courteous, a motivation for doing what you need them to do. Working at both ends helps parents and kids be more successful!
Good Luck!
The chart is a great idea..I’ve seen some you can buy; any suggestions?
The other big difference I think in our households is on the issue of spanking. I don’t believe in it, and feel it’s a source of aggressive behavior in kids (the stepkids are very free to hit out, and they are spanked at home for bad behavior…).
How do you navigate these kinds of things when it come to the different households; I’m not going to spank my own child, so how do I explain why it is that the stepkids are punished in a different way? And what about when Dad thinks that’s the way to discipline his other 2? Help! What do others think? :)
Hey.. Dr. Phil says the Bio should be the heavy and the step-parent should be there for back-up and reinforcement (my words not his).
What Would Oprah Do?
I am so thankful I came across this website last week. I only wish I had found it two years ago when I married a man with two girls, who are now 11 & almost 14. His first wife passed away from ALS which she had for 8 years. We met 8 months after her death, dated for a year, & then married. The two of us are great together except when it comes to disciplining the kids. I come from a famiy of 4 kids & my upbringing involved a lot of chores & discipline. My husband was an only child and had no chores growing up & did not have much discipline.
We constantly struggle with the kids. I am not a patient person & I’m sure I open my mouth more than I should. He thinks since the kids are respectful to others & make straight A’s that everything else is negligible. I’ve been told by our counselor that I need to take the back seat & let him do all the disciplining. That’s great except that they live under my roof, 24/7. We have both been told by the counselor that we need to be consistent in whatever we do & he does not follow that either. I think b/c he has a very laid back personality & the girls’ mother died, he feels guilty for saying anything. He thinks it’s important to be “friends” with them so that they come to us with their issues.
Anyone have any suggestions? I’m at a complete loss & hate having disagreements with him over the same issues.
I have heard the “stepparent” should not discipline as well, and I don’t agree entirely. I met my husband when his kids were 2, 3,and 4 years old (now 6, 7,8), and to me that makes our situation one where I must also serve as dsciplinarian. I am not primary, but he is in school, works friday evenings, and so there are many occassions when I am at home with only the kids. They are too young to not be disciplined (look both ways crossing the street, you are in time out for hitting your sister etc). I also DEMAND respect for me. If you talk back, roll your eyes, etc to me, then I discipline you for that (with dad’s 110% backing). Otherwise I am happy to let him lead, but I feel like it is my house as well, I have an important role, and I need to exercise control, especially in a role where I often feel so out of control. In our house the kids explain it this way, “Mommy and Daddy are the big bosses, but Jen is a little boss too.” I think that is working for us.