Introducing Ms. April!

Emily Bouchard is the author of Straight Answers to Tough Stepfamily Questions, Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict and my favorite, The Holiday Survival Guide for Blended Families. She’s also a blended family coach with a Bachelor’s Degree in child development with an emphasis in adolescence. That said, she’s gained most of her wisdom from being a stepmom herself and spending years in the trenches. With all that experience, I was excited to ask her a few questions.

1. Give us a little background. How long have you been a stepmom? How did your experiences stepparenting teens influence your work today?

I became a stepdaughter when I was 15 and my dad remarried after my mother died (when I was 14). As a 42 year old woman, I’ve had a stepmother longer than I was with my biological mother and have learned a lot from my stepmom now that I’m an adult!

I became a stepmother at age 30 to two young women who were 15 and 17 at the time I became involved with their dad. Their mother had left the marriage to pursue a relationship with another man 9 months prior to my coming on the scene. The girls lived full time with their dad and were none too happy to have me take all his attention from them (that was definitely their experience).

And, I became a stepgrandmother at 34, and helped to raise my stepgranddaughter from the time she was 6 months until she was 3 years old. We provided a stable environment and a nurturing home for her and her mom, who was finishing high school and then went to Junior College.

I learned early on in the trenches what works and what does not with my teenagers.

I launched my coaching practice while living with my younger stepdaughter and my granddaughter. I began writing about our experiences day to day and found that many of my articles were about what I learned from the girls as teenagers, and how they made a powerful impact on me as a stepmom and as a stepdaughter. I also saw how all the training I had in graduate school (Social Work) to become a marital and family therapist did not come close to preparing me for what it takes to successfully stepparent and have a family that thrives. I learned early in the trenches what works and what does not with my teenagers and all I have to share comes directly from those experiences, as well as those of the hundreds of stepparents (and teens) I’ve coached over the last five years.

2. Explain the concept, open heart surgery.

When I was first starting out with my coaching practice, I found that I repeatedly had the results with my clients of them opening up their hearts to their stepchildren and to themselves in ways that were truly inspiring and life-changing. In the course of a 30 minute phone coaching session, a disgruntled, unhappy resentful stepmom would shift to tearing up with gratitude, love, and compassion in ways that changed everything for her going forward. I coined the phrase I perform open heart surgery over the phone as a way to describe to people what happens when someone chooses to work with me.

3. Can you talk about some of the most common struggles that stepfamilies have? And give us a word or two of encouragement in those areas.

In the work I’ve done serving over 5000 subscribers, there are some key distinctions I’ve learned that anyone in a blended or stepfamily situation needs to be aware of. One of these is:

A hero steps up and steps into a thankless role because they know that this is about something much bigger than who they are.

Many women dream of living happily-ever-after when they are young and envisioning their future and as a result, anyone in a stepfamily situation has an underlying sense that they’ve failed in some way. This erroneous belief can be changed abruptly around with the analogy of StepHeroes! A hero is someone who goes where most fear to tread. A hero steps up and steps into a thankless role because they know that this is about something much bigger than who they are. A hero is someone who does what they know is right in their heart to do, in the moment, without concern for how others may think about or view their choices. Anyone who chooses to enter into a stepparenting situation is truly a hero and should be honored as such and most of all by themselves, internally.

Heroes in step and blended families have to deal with emotional landmines in their homes. Landmines of guilt, loss, shame, abandonment, resentment, hurt, and heartbreak. Knowing how to navigate and defuse these can make all the difference in your level of peace and satisfaction in your family life.

StepHeroes also have to contend with issues related to custody, transitioning from household to household, parenting differences, frustrating former spouses, and the ever-present, evil-stepmother stereotype to overcome.

4. In the early years, what was one of your hardest struggles being a step? What helped you?

It may sound odd, but the hardest thing for me to learn was the liberating notion that it’s okay to have the teenagers in your life hate you, not like you, disapprove of you, distrust you, and be disgusted by you. Learning to let go of needing their love, acceptance, or approval was the most important lesson for me. Of all the things I emphasize in my coaching with stepparents is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

One of the best resources out there for learning this is The Work of Byron Katie. I found this work about 6 months after become a stepmom and it truly saved my marriage and strengthened my relationship with my girls. It is the one tool I return to again and again. Katie’s work, combined with loving, compassionate communication really helps take lousy situations and makes them gifts and chances for greater intimacy and connection.

The hardest thing for me to learn was the liberating notion that it’s okay to have teenagers in your life hate you.

My ebook, Conquering Conflict, gives step by step guidance on how to access your compassion and open your heart in the most heated situations, and most of all, how to not take what’s happening personally.

5. Many of my readers talk about feelings of isolation— sacrificing for their new family, and not being taken care of in return. How can we take care of ourselves and care for our new family at the same time?

This is so important and something I work with stepmoms every day about how to have clear, healthy boundaries with your family; how to make direct requests and also have clear expectations about how everyone in the family is there to contribute and to be of service to the family; and how to cultivate a winning team and attitude within the family system, so it’s not all about you winning their approval. Stop working so hard and start looking for ways to unite and unify the whole family towards working together towards a common goal. I often encourage the creation of a family mission statement based on shared values. I also recommend creating a collage together as a family where you deliberately envision how you want your life to be.

6. Let’s talk about teenagers. I am a step to a 15 year old. My biggest challenge is getting the kid to open up. I know a lot of women struggle with being an authority to step-teens. Can you give us three pieces of advice regarding stepparenting teens?

There’s so much to say in this area. Here’s three things to consider:

1. They didn’t choose you or ask you to be in their life. Meet them where they are and let go of needing them to approve of your presence (when they don’t). If you want them to respect you, choose to treat them with respect for who they are, what they are feeling, and what they are going through.

2. It is the job of a teenager to feel misunderstood, different, isolated, confused studies have shown that the chemical imbalance in a teens brain is similar to that of a psychotic episode which certainly explains how moody they can be, how unpredictable they can be towards the adults in their lives, and how erratic their behaviors and emotions can seem.

3. Teens do great with clear structure and consequences and lots of gratitude, kindness, and empathy. They want to know that you care, even if they work hard to show you that they don’t. Get with your partner and determine what structures you want to have in place. Then connect with all the kids in the household and share your thoughts and discover theirs as well. For example, my husband and I got clear that we didn’t want the girls on the roads after midnight and not so much about them, as about the higher incidents of driving deaths after midnight, so they had a curfew that was about not driving or being on the road after midnight. If they came home later, they knew that their car privilege would be lost and that they’d have to earn it back. We involved them in determining how they would rebuild our trust in them and they would have to take the initiative to fulfill their commitments in order to get the use of the car again.

Teens do great with clear structure and consequences and lots of gratitude, kindness, and empathy.

I found that being consistently, deliberately, and genuinely grateful for even the smallest things with my two girls made the biggest difference in the long run. I had to deal with violent outbursts all the way to looks that could kill – and, believe me, the girls had to deal with my outbursts as well. It was my constant, relentless willingness to connect, talk through things, and explore their relationship to what was happening that paid off in the end. Being optimistic and curious and seeking to understand drew them out over time. They have to learn to trust that you’re for real and that you’re in it for the long haul.

Think about it from their perspective: the two adults they love and trust more than anyone split up and that wasn’t supposed to happen. Then, dad chooses you, and they’re supposed to openly, willingly, blindly trust that he’s a better judge now than he was before, that you’re a better choice than their mom for him, and that you two are going to be together forever are not likely! The statistics are not in your favor, and your teens know that to put their trust in you may not be in their best interest.

7. Can you talk about the importance of play for the family? What’s something that worked in your own family?

Doing things together that the kids enjoy. We loved watching videos and going to movies together; making popcorn together; gardening; going for walks; playing Monopoly; I don’t know if you can print this, but my oldest stepdaughter took me skinny dipping in a local pond for my first time! That was a great bonding experience. I felt more accepted by the girls when they chose to take me to their favorite swimming hole at the local river. We also tried family trips together and we had a kayaking trip that was a real disaster for all of us and, at the same time, the upsets, the fights, the conflict all served to foster the intimacy we feel all these years later. It was our ongoing commitment to inclusion, to being together, to trying things out together, and sticking with each other through all that would show up in the space that provided the glue that’s kept us so close.

8. You seem to have an amazing bond with your husband and a great marriage. How can we stay connected to our husbands through these crazy times?

Early on we discovered two very important elements to our success:

a. We went away for the weekend about once a month or every six weeks to reconnect and recharge.
b. We started a couples group with two other couples in stepfamily situations and we met once a month for four years! We are all still very close and those friendships and that ongoing support made such a powerful difference for us.

9. The blended family is quickly outnumbering the traditional nuclear model. Instead of focusing on the negative, what are some positives about being part of a blended family? I grew up in a step-household and have written about all the wonderful people and experiences I had that I wouldn’t necessarily had if my parents hadn’t divorced. I’m thankful for my stepfamily. What about you?

I am sincerely grateful for my stepmother’s courage, generosity, and selflessness after seeing what she put up with has made me a better stepmom with my girls. And without her I wouldn’t have had a mother for most of my life.

Putting in the effort has given me the gift of two young women who trust and love me for me. My oldest asked me to coach her when she planned her wedding. While she had a difficult time emotionally at the time of my wedding, she noticed how peaceful I was and how much I enjoyed my wedding. She wanted that and asked for my guidance to help make that happen and what greater gift could a stepmom ask for?!

10. Do you have any special words you live by? When I first became a stepmom, my mantra was suppress, obsess and deny( I know, not very healthy:) Now, it’s reach, stretch and breathe.

It’s not about me. It’s for me.Receive the gifts that are in front of you and learn and heal and grow as you grow with your family.

All the best,

Emily Bouchard
“Bringing peace to the planet one family at a time.”
Founder, www.blended-families.com

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