The Stepmom Shuffle
Recently, I wrote a post called The Stepkid Shuffle, where I talked about the strain moving back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s puts on our stepkids.
I wrote: “Many of you wondered how to deal with snarly stepkids after they’ve returned from bio-mom’s house. I want to avoid sounding like Dear Abby, but I do think our stepkids are on the bigger roller coaster ride. The [stepkid shuffle] requires a lot of flexibility on the part of the kid.”
And now, an interesting comment in the forum asks– What about the Stepmom? How best can we expect to handle the back and forth?
A reader writes, “I think I am worse than the children when it comes to them changing houses…It dawned on me this past week that I am having trouble finding a smooth way to transition from being a newlywed childless woman to readjusting to being a parent… I often dread them walking in the door. It usually takes me about half an hour to be back to actually feeling “normal”.
Stepladies, what’s your advice? Add your comments to the forum.
Look for my longer post on the topic later this week. I’ll share my war stories.
Image courtesy of tomshardware.com
Tags:advice, bio mom, forum, stepkids, stepmom
When we went back and forth between mom and dad it didn’t affect me much except for the fact that I hate sleeping over other people’s houses. I don’t know how my sister took it but I think we both preferred to be at home with our mom.
I think the biggest issue for me is the junk food eating and too-much-crappy-television-watching when they’re gone. I understand the bio-mom and bio-dad feel like they don’t get enough time with the kids to set any real rules, but it makes my job as Mama tricky when it’s time to get back to running this ship in full-time family mode. I do get slightly tired of doing most of the parenting while getting most of the attitute for not letting their lives be full-on Disney World. I suppose things could be way worse so I try my best not to let it irk me.
Not that it’s rainbows and butterflies - we just deal with it and it smooths itself out eventually.
Our “hand-off” usually takes place over Sunday dinner: The couple that has had the kids all weekend cooks the dinner and the other couple comes over. The kids are usually excited to see the parent they havent’ been with all week, so it is easy for the “lead parent” to transition gradually while we are all sitting there at the dinner table. It ends up being the hardest part for me, since the bio-mom has no rules, so when she it taking them I see these sweet kids devolve into wild animals right in front of my eyes. But to be honest, I do take it as a point of pride that they say please and thank you to their dad and me, while their bio-mom and her girlfriend get treated like crap (but they let themselves be treated like crap, so….).
If you can handle it, I would really recommend the Sunday-dinner-as-hand-off ritual. I have noticed that the kids seem to feel less conflicted about me when they see their mom and I sit down and have a conversation and hang out. Our kids (my stepkids) are little - 2, 3, and 7 - so it is hard to communicate about the divorce. But it does seem to reassure them or calm them down when they see that all four of us can hang pretty comfortably.
As far as the impact of the shuffle, the hardest part for me is that the kids come home yelling and screaming, and asking the same question 10 times, which is intolerable for me. Their dad and I try to teach them to talk at a normal voice, ask for what they want and not whine, and to listen to each other carefully. But they have to scream and nag their biomom to get her attention, and it takes days to get them back to a point where we are all talking to each other again.
Your Sunday dinner hand-off tradition is really, really cool.
WOW! I would just like to say that I, as the stepmom, have always issues with the hand offs. The kids are absolute monsters (usually) when they come home from a weekend at BMs house. My youngest is 19, my weekends are mine really, she’s at college. It’s peace. The comments before all of this actually covered my feelings exactly.
I just wanted to say thank you to *all* the stepmoms out there that share their experiences. When I tried to do that, I got in trouble court wise. So being able to read all this has been tremendous release for me.
Thank you ladies. Thank you. You are all so special. You just can’t imagine how special.
Trillian,
I am so glad you have left a comment. Welcome to the site and I hope to see more of you. Your voice is valuable to all of us, too.
IR
Hi, I’m new here, and I am a stepmom to a 7 year old girl, with no kids out of my body - yet. Our handoff is with school. We pick her up from school on days when we have her and biomom picks her up on days when she has her. We have a pretty good relationship with the ex, go to parent-teacher conferences together, go to lunch occasionally together, etc. But it is kind of nice to not have to do a physical handoff. We get to avoid the symbolism of it all. Our daughter is often a mess when she gets back to our home. No pleases or thank yous, crazy erratic behavior, dirty clothes, dirty hair, discussions of PG13 movies she’s seen, etc. It’s like a wild crazy party goes on over there. We spend a lot of energy trying to bring her back to our calmer more boring world. I think the transition is harder on her than me for sure. Thank god there’s two of us. We are going to have her full time (for the school year) here soon and I think it will be better for everyone. She needs more stability for sure. The only thing I worry about is that we will no longer have those nights to ourselves… it’s selfish I know, but I feel kind of spoiled. Like I’ve had the best of both worlds. I guess it will be a good transition to having another kid.
Hi there,
Just found this site, seems helpful -upfront.
I am a soon to be stepmom to a 6 year old girl (marriage in the near future), and she is a wonderful little lady. Very sweet and loving, and well behaved (bonus)! However, the biomom is absolutely off her rocker. Hugest hypocrite, creates things in her head, and extremely insecure.
My boyfriend has not had any (I mean any) communication other than email with the biomom since the divorce, up until recently. I am struggling with this, as she is crazy, and says bad things to him about me and to the daughter. The daughter knows I am a good person, so she just keeps it to herself when the mom says bad things.
I am also struggling with the fact that the biomom will not have anything to do with me, we have never met, or talked…. she is having a baby soon (with another man, who has also found her to be crazy). I was thinking that this might be the perfect time to meet her and her new son, since my boyfriend is going to be driving the daughter to/from the hospital. So he asked her last night if I might be able to come down and meet her. Absolutely not, she said, right in front of the daughter. She made it clear that she does not: want me around the daughter, driving the daughter anywhere (when she is out of commission with the c-section), does not think that him and I will even work out… etc etc… she made it very clear that I am some kind of a threat to her, and make her even more insecure than she already is! Very sad.
But in my sympathies to her bad choices in life and soon to be single parent of 2, it all feels like a big slap in the face to me.
My name is not welcome in her house, the daughter is not allowed to talk about me at all. There are just so many things like this that come straight from her mouth to the daughter’s then on to me or Daddy…. yet WE never ever talk badly of the biomom. The daughter is allowed to miss mommy, or talk about mommy, or call mommy or do whatever she wants, as we want this to be a welcoming place for her feelings and emotions. Not cut everything she feels off, so that she does not know what she is allowed to talk about or feel etc.
It’s just very hard, I never wanted children of my own, but she is amazing and I love having her here with us. So when all the drama goes down, and the biomom talks a bunch of crapola, it makes me not want to have anything to do with the daughter, or want to hear about anything that has to do with the biomom from the daughter. Amazingly enough, I keep my feelings inside, talk them out with the boyfriend (who is a great listener thank god) when the daughter is not around, and still manage to be a good stepmom to her.
I know that I am a good stepmom, with a big heart and only want to make the daughter happy, but sometimes my heart is tested…. and it sucks!
WoW! I hear you! My boyfriend and I have lived together for two years and his two sons (11 and 8) spend weekends with us and we see them everyday after school. To this day I have never met there bio mom. I use to want to try to work it out to meet her and now I am to the point that I think I would rather not. I would have to say you are lucky to have a loving stepchild and to feel such love for her. For some of us (like me) that does not come automatically. Kids are still hard to handle for me and I am still hard to handle for them. Sometimes its great and sometimes its not. I would recommend one thing. Although it is hard to have a person you have never met not only effect your life but hate you sight unseen, just keep doing what you are doing. The child will figure out everything as she gets older and figures out that mom isn’t that great because all she does is talk bad about other people she cares about. Maintain your cool take deep breaths and realize that she is all that matters and not the bio mom.
I have no words of wisdom for you. I wish I did but I am struggling with this whole blended family thing as well. I’m struggling a lot these days and am getting more and more depressed as the days go by. The worst part is that I struggle more against my boyfriend then anyone else-including his son. He purposely does things to exclude me from the life/time he has with his son, but then penalizes me because of it and I’m just sick of trying to push my way in. I want him to make room for me and welcome me into his life-but that doesn’t seem to be happening. Neither of them take any interest in me socially unless it’s to ask me about the friends I have here in town who are also expats (we live in Europe-I’m American however) and what we’re up to. Forget about any fun for the three of us together-which means I have to forget about trips, vacations or doing anything fun that requires any quotient of effort. Even renting movies on the weekend becomes an issue because I get comments thrown at me about “my attitude” that make me feel uncomfortable and left out. Or, comments come about me being too pushy wanting to know what plans they have already made (mind you-without me) for the weekend. I don’t see what the big problem is-I just want participate too-which when I don’t make an effort is highly noticed.
My boyfriend’s son is 12.
I used to really like sharing in the fun and good times with them both-a lot. It made my time with them interesting and it added another dimension to our relationship because it made me feel like I was buying into a lifestyle, something which at the time, I really wanted. But over the 7 months since I’ve moved in with my boyfriend, he’s started doing and saying things that really hurt me and make me feel less comfortable making that extra effort to connect with both him and his son. I feel very withdrawn a lot of the time and defeated before I even begin.
Also, if I say that I feel very overwhelmed with the responsibilities that come along with having a (very spoiled) kid around every other week, I’m “the evil stepmother”, irresponsible and just don’t know what “real life” is. I was a single woman, living a single woman’s life before I moved in here-and I enjoyed having friends, an active social calendar, a job and a life-that didn’t center around my boyfriend and/or his son’s whims. When I choose to come here, I gave up my job, my friends, my family-everything. When I feel I’ve gained isn’t much-besides a bunch of baloney! Since I moved in here, I feel as though I am expected to forget about my own needs and wants, and just adapt to the ones which are easy for my boyfriend to deal with in his quest to be the number 1 dad on planet earth and king of the house.
Maybe I sound like a flake, but for me, canceling social events every other week for me is a hard thing. Two weeks a month, I’m not supposed to have any ‘girlfriend needs’ or want to do anything but hang out with my boyfriend and his son-although all they want to do is hang out with each other. If I do hang out with them, they basically ignore me and give me the “what’s your problem” looks. Especially when the aforementioned crap happens. trying to find pleasure in family activities is hard for me-especially when I feel like I’m being pushed away because of whatever reason. If I try to make an effort to schedule fun events for all three of us, I feel like boyfriend sabotages my plans, just so that he can be in control or being the “cool dad”. I’m sick of feeling like I’m in a race I can’t win-and being upset that the race is stacked against me from the jump start. When I moved in here, my life got very complicated and when I am honest about that, I feel like I am penalized for it, so I’ve stopped talk to boyfriend, family and friends about my feelings.
We’ve talked about much of this, and still nothing seems to change. I’ve suggested couples/family counseling-but he’s hesitant to go. He said that he wanted to do some work on his own first, then go in a few weeks. That few weeks has come and gone, and nothing’s happened with us going to counseling. To me, that means that he doesn’t want to make an effort to be better and try to find a way to make an “us” work. This makes me sad, feel disappointed and depressed.
I feel like the third wheel most of the time around here-and the wedge that this feeling has pushed between my boyfriend and I is making me seriously think about breaking up with him and moving on with my life. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of complaining to friends and am overwhelmed with how much all of this distress has taken over my once very happy life. A very happy life that used to include my boyfriend and his son.
I’ve been reading experts books as well as relationship books and I can’t seem to find a way to make all of this better. Everything that I’ve read says that shouldn’t have any social or emotional needs-and if I do, to fully expect my feeling to keep getting hurt. The advice also says that he’s totally fine and doesn’t need to do anything then what he is doing-it’s just me who needs to get on the parade and start liking playing third wheel. I don’t think one person does a relationship make and I’m really tired of working so hard-only to feel the slaps in the face ALL THE TIME.
Help? Advice?
I think it’s time to throw those relationship books out! Anything that tells you you’re not supposed to have any social or emotional needs is a bunch of nonsense in my opinion. You know they’ll let anyone write a book! Just because they got published doesn’t mean they know what they’re talking about. ;)
If you’re looking for a good book, you might try Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I love this book because the basic idea is that you can’t discount your own needs without adding to the hurt in a relationship — you need to get your own needs met. It focuses on how to communicate about needs in a way that it’s easier for the other side to hear.
Leaving everything behind, moving to another country, and then having only a husband and a stepson to meet your emotional needs would deplete anyone and everyone, I think.
SJ I can relate to certain aspects of what your talking about. I’ve had a tremendous amount of pressure to drop everything for our daughter. If I have other plans, I’m critisized for keeping them if it is a night that we have her. Like I’m not doing enough to work on our family. The difficult part is that I am not invited to the meeting when dad and biomom sit down to put the schedule together. I’m just expected to conform to everything as it handed to me. I have given up so much of my life to make this new life possible. I’ve moved to another city away from my friends, sold my house, and even took a different at home job helping my husband with his business in part so that I can be more around for our daughter. Given all that, and the commitment that I think it shows, it is hard to be viewed as the badguy because I’m maybe not as sacrificial as the bioparent is or because I won’t spoil her like her dad does. It is something we talk about and are working through but it is really hard.
In that same vein, I would be curious to know how many stepparents struggle with a sense of being unappreciated and how a spoiled child plays into that. Bioparents are very used to the demands of small children, the baby couldn’t say please and the parent just had to do what needed to be done when the baby cried and screamed. The kid gets older and the parents are used to being bossed around. (not to mention the whole divorce syndrome). I showed up without that background and out of nowhere this child starts demanding things of me (she’s pretty spoiled and very bossy) and I have all these expectations put on me by her and everyone else. As a result I now have this huge emphasis on politeness and consideration in our house. It is very hard for me to do something for my daughter that she could do herself without it being prefaced by a question that has please on the end. And I really emphasize her taking responsibility for her own things and doing things for herself when she can. My husband supports me in this quite often, and he is trying to incorporate some of it into his interactions with her, which helps. But old habits die hard, and the contrast between us is still pretty dramatic. I look like some kind of responsibility/etiquette wacko, but I think I am just trying to teach her to be human. I think a lot of it has to do with my position as a stepparent and my need to be appreciated for my decision to be a parent (versus an obligation to be a parent). I’ve heard that other stepparents end up having the same emphasis in their family. I wonder if this is true and if it is for the same reason.
We must not forget ourselves. We cannot be good to anyone else if we do not care for ourselves. I do not believe in sacrifice– I believe in compromise. When we marry men with kids, it should be expected that our lives change and sure, there are parts of our old lives that may be compromised. That said– everyone’s needs deserve attention. If we give up on ourselves to constantly accommodate other people, I fear, we end up very resentful, lost and hurt women.
I am a step mom to two wonderful little girls, ages 5 and 7. They live with us most of the time and its looking like it will be even more time very soon. My husband and I work very hard to teach them to take responsibility for their actions and develop communication skills but are constantly struggling with a crazy bio mom who thinks life is all about having fun. They come home wild and crazy, dirty and exhausted. I have tried to do nice things to help the bio mom out but I never get any thank yous from her. Needless to say, she and I don’t have a relationship at all. I am due to have a baby in about 6 months and have been struggling with some things. My husband is great and with his daughters was the primary care giver from the begining. He has some things left over from when they were babies that he would like to use with the new baby. Even though he swears that he was the only person to use the things I still have a hard time with using HER things. I want a fresh, new start. Is this unreasonable? Any advice or comments would be very much appreciated.
Thank you very much for your support and advice.
My first question is– what kind of things? Clothes? I think it makes sense that you want a fresh start, but talk to your husband. Is it sentimental attachment that is driving him back to his daughter’s baby things? Maybe its his way of bringing his daughters into the new family?
As for HER– don’t give her the power. This is your baby. Nothing changes that.
Thanks for your comment and congrats on your baby.
IR
I just happened to find this website. Kudos to the stepmoms who have good relationships with their kids biomoms. In my case, I had 6 children, married a man with 4 children and we now have 1 of our own. Most of my children were older, we now have 3 of his, 2 of mine and “ours” living with us, ages 16, 16, 13, 12, 8 and 2. The biomom hates me. The kids have lived with us for 4 years and she has never acknowledged that I could do anything nice for her or the kids. She is always asking them what they are eating, if they are drinking “pure” water and calls to get our dinner menus from the kids, then emails me suggestions of how to take good care of them. My husband and I are constantly being pulled into legal issues by both of our exes. My 16 yr. old stepdaughter who lives with us makes no secret of the fact that she resents me and would do anything (and has attempted anything) to live with her mom (who nearly let 2 of the children die in her care and is emotionally unstable). It has turned the last 5 years of my life upside down. My children feel that I gave more attention to my stepchildren in their adjustment of living away from their mother, my stepkids get jealous when my kids come home to visit for a week and I spend 1 on 1 time with them. It has been a fine balancing act. I get along well with my 12 and 8 yr. old stepkids. In fact they introduce me as their mom to their friends.
Much of the time I felt that I couldn’t do anything right. So, I decided to just do my best, know that I have to make time for me, for my husband and I, and I look forward to the 2-3 times a year that they visit with their other parents and I have my husband and our daughter to myself. There are a lot of times that I don’t know how we will keep going emotionally, physically and financially, but I really love my husband and try to put him first, remembering that he has a longer history with his kids than with me and he is trying just as hard as I am. Someday this will all seem worth it, and I have hopes that when my 16 yr. old stepdaughter is on her own, she will be grateful for what I have done for he, realize that life with her mom isn’t perfect and life with me wasn’t so bad.
I have always treated their mom with respect and let them know that I expect them to treat her that way too. I encourage them to remember her birthday, holidays and take them shopping for her, etc.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I don’t have any friends that are in this situation. Good luck to all us ladies that raise, mother and love other women’s children!