Stepmother Alert!
I want your advice and I want it now. All suggestions will be considered, if not immediately implemented.
Remember this kid? He was the non-talking, Nietzsche-loving teenager in Little Miss Sunshine who hated every member of his dysfunctional family. He scribbled angry notes like “Don’t talk to me”…”you’re all idiots”… that kind of thing.
Well, I’m pretty sure he’s taken up residence in my house. And I’m not sure what to do with him.
Step-Ladies, I’m here to confess. I’m at a loss. I’m out of answers, band-aids or effective disciplinary action. I need your wisdom or perhaps, an invitation to stay in your guest room for a good ten days?
The Dilemma: How does a stepmom (specifically- ME) reach her sullen* teenage stepson who:
A) doesn’t want to study (or talk about studying)
B) doesn’t want to talk (or talk about talking)
C) doesn’t like his father (asking him to talk)
D) doesn’t like me (asking him about anything else)
E) doesn’t like– big surprise– family meetings.
If at all possible, I’d like to have this problem solved by EOB today, or at the latest, by the time we sit down to another family dinner. Most evenings, this usually happens around 7PM.
Thank you,
*cheerless, churlish, cross, dismal, dour, frowning, glum, gruff, moody, morose, peevish, pouty, silent, somber, sour, stubborn, sulky, surly, and unsociable
Photo courtesy of Alexander Thompson
Tags:advice, Little Miss Sunshine, Paul Dano, stepmom, stepmother, teenager
yikes, this truly is a call for the troops. first off, he’s a teenager. this is what they excel at doing. nothing. moping. frowning. hating. making parents miserable. with that said, i’m very big on discipline and consequences, regardless of age. does he drive? then no car. does he have a computer? take it away. cell phone? the same. explain that you can make his life as miserable, if not more, as he is making yours and your husbands. he has no other job than to be in school and study. as a member of a family/tirbe he is required and expected to act human for at least one hour at the dinner table. no ifs, ands or buts. that’s it. your house, your rules. i’m not being simplistic, but sometimes i think a cause and effect approach is apropos. best of luck. and although i’m to far away to offer our guest room, it’s offered in spirit.
cheers~
sorry for the typos!!!!
I would like to add my husband’s picture next to your sons because right now he is doing the same thing. And since I can’t take his computer, car, etc away I am totally screwed. But I agree with lucky13 - you will have to get his attention first.
Oh goodness. You have my sympathy! Teenagers are a mystery to me. We’re just starting out teen-wise. I’m curious to see what advice everybody offers, because I’ll be tucking it away.
Izzy, I feel ya, I really do- Big T is 17 going on 13, and we’ve found that like others have said getting their attention by taking away privileges works best. Only problem- which is worse- the sullen kid or the angry sullen cell-phone-less kid? Sometimes we have to pick our battles.
Talking doesn’t always work and as lame as the kids think it is, we’ve asked Big T to write down his thoughts and feelings and promise to only respond in writing- when they think they’ll be instantly interrupted or rebutted without getting a chance to be honest and process their feelings, they retreat. Trying other methods of communication has worked in our house (writing for the older, drawing for the younger) and even slipping notes under doors so they don’t have to face you when you read their purging of emotions can help. Could this work in your home?
I like the notes under the doors. A lot. I think I did a similar thing when I was a kid. I will give it a try. I do get that honesty is very hard for kids to speak…especially to parents who are outwardly displeased. Who am I kidding- it’s hard to be honest at any age. I like the writing idea.
Thanks.
And exhale…..
I haven’t much qualified advice because mine’s barely 11. But I can feel twinges now and again of the push/shove struggle - I know it’s coming.
Take a skiing/camping/shopping trip with just him, you and his father? Hopefully the three of you can find a common place to meet and just be. Laughing usually helps break tension here but that’s easier done at 11 instead of 15 eh?
Keep trying.
You’ll find a crack in his armor - keep at him.
i wish i had advice to give. sadly, that sounds like my birth son…who doesn’t like to study, or talk about anything to do with studying, doesn’t like his step-dad or his real dad…or me that much…etc. i’m going to keep coming back to this post because, i’m struggling with this…right now…with my first born child…who is absolutely breaking my heart!
hang in there…something will click (hopefully!)
melissa
i asked my sister about this. she was a surly teenager. she said keep at it. she and i never liked the “family meetings” title. that was the quickest way to get us to shut down before conversation ever happened. “okay! family meeting time!!” meant someone was in trouble. it meant that our parents had a plan, something was wrong, questions were going to be asked, interrogation was going to start. and so, the wall went up.
keep talking. keep the orbit around him. be open, don’t get offended if he doesn’t want to talk.
i hope this helps.
Thanks all for your thoughts and advice. I will keep at it. My therapist tells me, “he will make you crazy. He’s a teenager and yes, it’s going to be hard.”
I’m a stubborn old girl- I won’t be giving up anytime soon.
IR
I just found a book that might help — it’s called “Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?” by Anthony E. Wolf. I got it a couple years ago and never got around to reading it, and I’ve been laying around sick yesterday and today reading my way through books I’ve been meaning to get to, and I started reading this one. The first thing I thought was “Wow, this is REALLY helpful!” — it translates teenage behavior into words adults can understand, but that teenagers would never in a million years be able to articulate. My second thought was, “Hey — there’s stuff in here about boys who disappear — by retreating into their rooms, or getting out of the house as much as possible, or laying around and doing nothing — that sounds like what Izzy was talking about.” I’m still in the middle of it, but as soon as I thought of you, I had to boot up my computer and tell you about it.
Jill,
That sounds great. I will look it up. A guidebook to teenage behavior would be mucho helpful.
Thanks!
Call a family meeting. Don’t talk about problems, study habits, behavior. Instead, ENGAGE in a conversation about the 10 things you want to see before you die. Every one reads each others list. And just Listen to what his interest are. He can hear yours. Eyes will open.Engage in conversation about all things unimportant. Later conversations become less and less threatening. I had a hell raiser teenager SD. This worked. These conversations made us laugh together and allowed us to say to my SD as we disbursed…”oh by the way…Your list was cool, I hope you get to see it all”. Teenagers want less control, more engagement.
Forget notes under the door (enabeling solitude), seting rooms aside that are off limits is good for pets, not always a comfortable fit for humans (they are usually potty trained).Rooms that were once off limit are now shared space.
Hi Izzy,
I raised two sons to adulthood before becoming a stepmom to two boys who are now both teenagers. I’m not sure how much the people my (gorgeous, bright, funny, kind-hearted) sons have become has to do with me or my parenting. My oldest is happily married to a smart and lovely young woman, a gainfully employed PhD who put himself through college by winning a full academic scholarship. The other is a musician/bartender, back in school for the third time, studying composition and enjoying a very happy social life. I am equally proud of both of them, and love them both to pieces.
Like I said, I’m not sure how much my parenting style and choices had to do with who they are as adult men now. I didn’t have trouble with them when they were teenagers, though, and I know that that was because I focused on my relationship with them as though it were a precious third entity, and worked to keep it in healthy balance, instead of focusing on them individually and requiring them to engage with me on my terms.
From the time they were born, I treated my sons with respect and allowed them to make as many choices on their own as was safe and possible. I chose the battles I did have with them very carefully. When my oldest son shaved his head at 15, I didn’t like it, but I didn’t tell him he couldn’t. When he was a teenager and wanted to lock himself in his room, or grunt monosyllables instead of speak in full sentences, I also didn’t like it, but I didn’t tell him he couldn’t. Both my boys knew what they had to do and what they couldn’t do, and they both knew that as long as all they took care of those things, they had freedom to live their days the way they wanted to. And when they didn’t toe the line, I never punished them. I don’t believe in punishment. But I do believe in consequences, and I handed those out swiftly when there were violations that required them.
The biggest thing you have to be capable of when you have teenage children–especially stepchildren– is letting go of your own ego, of your need to be loved and appreciated. Mandated interaction with teenagers, in my opinion, is an enormous mistake and waste of time. In what seemed like overnight, I went from being the funniest, nicest, smartest, and most wonderful woman my boys knew to being a walking, talking social hazard they couldn’t get far enough away from. I didn’t like it, but it was okay with me. It had to be, if I wanted real relationships with them. I trusted that if I was consistent and solid and unconditionally loving with them on my terms, they would come back to me when they were ready. And they did.
All that said, I feel very, very strongly that if there’s a biological parent in the household, no stepparents should ever be in any kind of disciplinary role with their teenage stepchildren. Get out of that and get out fast. Your stepsons have been moved a thousand miles away from their mother to live with their dad and you in a new city, and now they’re going through hormone-raging puberty. They must resent you like crazy, and taking charge of them in this most unwelcome and unnatural way will only make that worse. You can have solidarity with your husband and be strong and consistent and never be the one in charge of whether they are studying or doing their chores–that is not your job, and you will never, ever win there. Yours is a role of partner support to your husband, not co-parent to these boys. Y’all should clear that one up pronto, for everyone’s sake.
The best book about understanding teenagers I ever read is “Between Parent and Teenager” by Haim Ginott, the diplomat/author whose workshops the “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” books were based on. It is wise and soothing and clarifying and eloquent. I re-read it often.
It looks like “Between Parent and Teenager” is available free online here: http://www.betweenparentandchild.com/index.php?s=content&p=Between_Parent_and_Teenager
Thanks, lady.