Him and Her and Her
Here’s what I want to know. Many of you have written about your relationship with your husband’s ex– The one that goes by the popular title: Bio-mom. Some of you get along famously, some do not, some are still trying to make nice, some won’t hear of it! Whatever your circumstance, where are your husbands on this? Does he have a strong opinion or a preference on what type of (if any) relationship you have with his ex? Does he want you to be friends? Or does the idea of the two of you chatting on the phone and meeting at the Outlet Mall make him squirmy? If you and the ex become pals, would you describe it as an exclusive sisterhood or do the three of you– new wife, ex-wife and the man that brought you together– hang out? I apologize for all the questions, but I’m so very curious.
This is the forum topic I’m putting out there this week. I’m giving it a supermarket tabloid title: Do our men want us to be pals with the EX?
Does the idea of the two of you chatting on the phone and meeting at the Outlet Mall make him squirmy?
When my husband and I first got together, he was still pretty tight with his ex-wife and he tried to facilitate a friendship. Basically, I’d just drive over to her house with him to pick up the kids and stand quietly in the entryway while they discussed homework and weekend schedules and then I’d watch the kids give mom lingering hugs and kisses goodbye. It was usually awkward– I felt like an outsider, totally insignificant and yeahhh– I pretty much hated it. I usually drank a lot afterwards. I was big into the dry martinis back then.
I appreciated The Husband’s gesture to push us together, but I made the argument more than a few times that this was not his job, but rather our work (hers and mine) to do if we wanted to establish a friendship. So, we tried (not whole-heartedly) and it never really took off– not yet anyway. Sometimes I wonder if we do become friends (the kind that get together for lunch and shameless gossip) where will The Husband fit in? Sitting at the table with us or stashed at home? Left out or one of the girls?
Ladies, do spill.
Tags:bio mom, ex wife, friendship, stepmom forum
In our situation, G wants me to have my own relationship with Kathy that does not make him the go-between for the two of us. The three of us almost never do stuff together — except parent-teacher conferences. If we’re all together, it’s with the kids. I think initially it made him uncomfortable that we formed a close friendship, but in his mind it was much better than us fighting with him in the middle of us. Now I think he’s much more comfortable with it — because it’s obvious our friendship isn’t going to result in us ganging up on him. It just means if I don’t understand something or want something that involves Kathy, I can ask her myself — I don’t have to analyze it with him and try to get him to get it for me or solve it for me. I can work directly with anyone I want or need to.
My husband understands that I’m entirely uninterested in having a relationship of any kind with his ex. He wishes he didn’t have to talk to her either. That said, I’m entirely civil (dare I say friendly?) with her when we are forced to see each other at birthdays or drop-offs or whatever. Even if we don’t want to be friends, it’s easier on everyone to maintain the facade of liking one another.
Like Jill, if we are all together, it’s because we’re doing something with the kids. I guess I can’t see my husband, L and I all hanging out just for fun, but I guess who knows. My husband is just fine with the relationship L and I have. I don’t think he ever encouraged it but he also didn’t discourage it either.
He’s glad that we have a friendship and get along so well and can talk about things. I think the only thing that would bother him would be if we ever bad mouthed him or teamed up against him, which I think is a huge boundary issue that neither of us cross.
We started off opposing with no hope of a turn around. Spouse-man and The Mother’s divorce was messy the moment he indicated he wanted to go ahead with her threats of divorce. I knew them both; she tried to draw me in on her side, he wanted my friendship, and I tried to figure out why I was important enough to even pay attention to. End result, he and I ended up together, she blamed me and taught her kids the same.
I’ve always known that if we could just work together - not coffee buddies! - things would have gone much smoother for the kids, and just the fact that men, in general, are not good at calendar planning, logistics or whatever else it is that us women typically handle because it’s our balliwick. However, with the maliciousness and immaturity on her part, it has made things difficult as we’ve needed to set a lot of boundaries - and it is the kids who suffer, as you know. No warm and fuzzies here with The Mother after 8 years.
I sure can see the practicality of having a positive relationship. I guess if I think about, most of my frustration with not having one with bio-mom is that I have to go through my husband and I’m never satisfied with that— I always want more details and I always have more questions and this just drives The Husband nuts! So, I appreciate what Jill said….” It just means if I don’t understand something or want something that involves Kathy, I can ask her myself — I don’t have to analyze it with him and try to get him to get it for me or solve it for me.”
I suppose in my case, I felt like we all needed to “hang out” and I will explain that in my follow up post on Friday and I could just never figure out how that would work. And I do think boundaries are important and I appreciate Simplicities comment regarding.
I am actually really glad both Jill and Samara have replied to this because you two seem to have the strongest bonds with your husband’s ex that I have read about — and great relationships with your men– and I’ve wondered what the dynamic looks like. Thanks for being open.
IR
My relationship with the ex is strained. We both know that we could easily be friends, if it wasn’t for the past. The past is too hard to just let go when the results of the past are in the face daily.
Now, for the husband’s take on it? He honestly doesn’t care. Does he want to be in on it? No. He snarrled when she invited us to dinners or lunches when she did her visit. He laughed that I had to spend Halloween alone with her. Of course he felt sorry that I had to, but he was happy it wasn’t him.
If he can, he wont talk to her. 90% of the communication with her, is via me. Yhea, it does make my life stressful, but his guard is down when it comes to her, so she always gets him talking about things he just doesn’t want to share with her. He then always kicks himself once he gets off the phone because he realized how much of OUR personal life she got from him.
They know how to goad each other into a fight, and since he doesn’t want to fight anymore, he tries not to talk to her. So being left in the middle tends to get stressful. I smile, I will talk, but I am always wishing to be somewhere else.
This post makes me gigle. My husbands ex refused to let me meet the kids until she met me….we have been together since June of 2004 I just met his children in August of 2006. AND, I still have yet to meet her, though I called her up on three occassions and offered to meet her. Just yesterday we were told when asked about eldest son’s bball game that it was at his gym, but his mom would be there. In other words don’t come because then she will make my life miserable!
I find this all very comical because if she’d hear me out I agree with her on some things that my husband does not. But she’s not interested in meeting which I feel so sorry for the kids. OUr eldest will be in HS next year and I WILL be going to his events whether she likes it or not.
To Izzy — I guess in some ways I formed the relationship I have with Kathy to make my relationship with my husband more durable. It means when I’m with G, the time we spend together is about us, not about problems or questions with Kathy.
When we all do stuff together — all five of us — I still get bugged if they start to tell old in-jokes that I don’t know about. And I HATE anything that looks or feels anything like we live some kind of “Big Love” life — that’s one of my big buttons. I hate anything that feels like I’m not the wife. The only wife. The most important woman in G’s life. That drives me crazy. Like irrational animal crazy. And I know that about myself. So I try to be extra sensitive to anything that might make Kathy feel like she’s not the mom. The only mom. The most important woman in the kids’ lives (at least until they get married). Being friends — for us at least — isn’t the same as being one big happy family. We’re growing more and more toward being one big mostly happy, sometimes pissed off, but empathetic and tolerant-of-each-other extended family…
But I should add (even though I made friends with Kathy initially for the health of my marriage) that one of the most touching times in my life was when she looked at me and said, “No matter what happens, I’m keeping you.”
Jill, thank you for this. It makes sense to me now and I applaud your level head and sweet heart, courage and compassion for everyone, including yourself. I’d want to keep you, too.
IR
My husband wanted me to take on his anger for his former spouse. At first I gladly accepted this task because 1) I am a helper 2) I could represent my husband in battle and win the war and 3)I don’t say no.
After a few years, I realized this was stupid. I stopped. All is well.