I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts. I’m a soon-to-be stepmom, although Future Husband has considered me stepmom since early on.

My love for his son was pretty instantaneous…I think it was because of him, as well as how FH & he interacted…I couldn’t help but love him!! I think that his age also helped. He was 1 1/2 when FH & I got together, so we connected pretty easily. Although, I loved him from the beginning, I didn’t tell him right away. How I felt for him was scary on many levels. And I was afraid of how he would react, even though he’s only 4 now. All the horrific scenarios that could stumbled through my head. Even after FH & I talked about it, I was scared and didn’t say it for a while. When I did, it went fine. There was no issue with him. To say I was excited is probably the understatement of year!

I don’t have any children of my own yet. So I can’t say that how I feel for him is exactly the same as it will be when FH & I have children, but I’d like to think it is. He manages to bring out all the “mommy” feelings in me, so I can’t see that this would be any different.

I also wanted to say that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to have kids either. I had a lot of big plans for my life, which never included family or children. Oh how that has changed! I still have my big plans, but now a family & children are the priority, and my dreams have been turned into something more realistic and less child-like fantasy. FH & his son are the main reason for that change, being around them and watching them together and interacting with them as a family made whatever unsure feelings I had about being a mom dissipate!

I never had the attitude that I was a replacement mother - rather, an adult role model/figure who could teach them things I know. I felt a motherly love for them initially, but I felt burned rather quickly and became guarded as I couldn’t trust that anything about me/us was not shared with The Mother who used the information maliciously. I am still guarded with the oldest, and am more relaxed with the youngest. I am not bothered by my lack of “love and warm fuzzies” - they know I care for their best interests and will help them - at least maybe they’ll figure that out when they are out from under the Mother Bungee.

Not sure if you will ever experience a mama bear moment with your boys being so old already, but I have a feeling you love them more than you will realize for some time.

A million times thanks for your honesty.

However, my husbands ex insisted on a vasectomy and I have PCOS, so we have a double negative working against us. IT’s not that I don’t desperately want a child of my own, I do and my husband wants more children too. It’s a matter of money, both of trying to conceive and after the child is born.

I want nothing more to have babies as this was my plan from the moment I was young. I wanted 5 by the age of 30. Next year I will be 30, I am lucky enough to have three children already and when I really take a look, I think, my husband will be older than most parents our child’s age, and our kids now, are old enough to be independent…..do I really want to give that up?

While I do have two beautiful little girls of my own, my husband and I do not have any children together. It saddens me greatly that it will never ever happen and I know I need to get over it, but I don’t know how. More than anything in the world I wish we could have a baby, a reflection of us, of the amazing love we share.

How does one move beyond that? How do I make peace with something that would be so bonding, so permanent and real?

I love this site and I will visit often.

Of course, I think I had it pretty easy then. She had just turned four at the time I met her. She was incredibly open to new people and had no problem cuddling up to me and reading stories. She was incredibly lovable. She made it easy to fall in love with her.

I love the last quote you put in, that their child is the one that everyone is related to, the one that ties everyone together. I have been trying to put that idea into words, and that is exactly it. I want something that will tie my stepdaughter to me biologically, not “just” love and a marriage certificate.

I enjoy the topics you address here very much. And I think the real answer is: it’s different for everyone. Some of my Stepmom friends fell in love right away, some never did, some took awhile. Some have their own biological children, some do not.

I think it depends on lots of things–personalities, age of the children when they came into your life, your age when they came into your life, your husband’s picture of all of you as a family, your picture of all of you as a family, Bio-Mom’s support of you as their Stepmom, the amount of trauma everyone went through in the divorce, therapy or not, family history of mental illness or not, how much time you all spend together, more dynamics, more issues… the list is just too long.

There is no comprehensive stepparenting guide for the same reason that there is no comprehensive parenting guide. Every kid is different, even stepkids. And every parent is different, even stepparents.

That said, most Stepmoms I know, including you, are trying valiantly to make it all work. The task is a big one… and the forum is a valuable one. Just having others walking in similar shoes, even if they aren’t exactly the same, helps us all.