That Loving Feeling
Mothers talk about that feeling. Unconditional, unquestionable and sometimes even, irrational love. The feeling that comes with having a child of your own. Absolute, instinctual love.
I’m certainly capable of l’amour, but without any children of my own, I don’t know what that maternal feeling feels like. And as a stepmom, where to get it. I imagine it must be similar to how I feel about my own mother. My father. My gram. I give my love freely to them without thinking about it. And I never run out. I always have more.
When The Husband and I first got together, there were many who assumed that I’d instantly fallen in love with his kids, too. And while that sort of generosity and sweet tenderness sounds like the kind of fairytale I’d love to star in, that just wasn’t the case. I liked the boys right away. I thought they were charming, but the love thing– it wasn’t there.
How many of you loved your stepkids at hello?
I know that sounds pretty awful, but how many of you loved your stepkids at hello? If there are any of you out there, I’d like to buy you a drink. You’re amazing! I wrote a post several months ago called The L-word that talked about the struggle many stepmothers have with that loving feeling. It received some amazing comments including a favorite, “Love doesn’t happen right away. I would worry if it did.” Since then, I have continued to wonder—am I ever going to feel IT… that distinctive mom love?
And will it come in a rush, blind me, shake me and transform me into a devoted Mother Mary of sorts? Or is it gradual and if so, how long before it takes effect?
My mother remembers the “moment” she felt motherly love for my two step-sisters. I confessed recently, “I don’t think I’ve had my moment.”
Many of you suggested in the forum post: Are Stepkids Enough Kids that we might never experience that type of pure love without having a child of our own. And that’s exactly what a lot of you have done. Here are some of your wonderfully insightful words:
“I wanted my own baby very much. I love my steps and my relationship with them has been very fulfilling, but I am not their mother. I needed to be someone’s mother.”
“This question has been a tough one for me. I was never particularly drawn to having kids of my own, and the idea of ending up with a teenage stepdaughter actually suited me well…Among the ironies here is that her dad is such a terrific father that watching him parent is one of the things that has nudged me toward wanting a child together.”
“Biological children were always part of the plan when Husband and I got married… I love his children, but I have always wanted to experience having children of my own.”
” I have myself wondered how a baby will change the existing family. I am worried for everyone involved- but not yet ready to give up my dreams of motherhood.”
“I came into the marriage with 2 kids and we had one of our own…he is the tie that binds… the one person who everyone in the house is related to.”
I think this is such an interesting discussion because there are so many different players to consider, varied emotions and perspectives. And once again, your collective voice teaches me so much.
I’ve never been sure that I wanted my own kids. At this point, I really feel like my stepkids are enough kids. For me, my hands are more than full and adding a newborn to the mix might just put me in the nuthouse. However, my feelings might change. I’ve been known to surprise even myself (and I have been warned by my mommy friends that once the clock starts ticking, there’s no turning the damn thing off). So, in the event that I get myself knocked up and end up in the delivery room birthing my own, who out there is available to baby-sit?
Tags:biological children, forum, stepkid, stepmom, stepmother
Izzy, the things you come up with never fail to bring a smile to my face. More often, I laugh out loud… sometimes at work… which can be embarrassing and hard to explain. But I digress.
I enjoy the topics you address here very much. And I think the real answer is: it’s different for everyone. Some of my Stepmom friends fell in love right away, some never did, some took awhile. Some have their own biological children, some do not.
I think it depends on lots of things–personalities, age of the children when they came into your life, your age when they came into your life, your husband’s picture of all of you as a family, your picture of all of you as a family, Bio-Mom’s support of you as their Stepmom, the amount of trauma everyone went through in the divorce, therapy or not, family history of mental illness or not, how much time you all spend together, more dynamics, more issues… the list is just too long.
There is no comprehensive stepparenting guide for the same reason that there is no comprehensive parenting guide. Every kid is different, even stepkids. And every parent is different, even stepparents.
That said, most Stepmoms I know, including you, are trying valiantly to make it all work. The task is a big one… and the forum is a valuable one. Just having others walking in similar shoes, even if they aren’t exactly the same, helps us all.
I think I loved my stepdaughter before I met her. I loved her because my husband loved her. I loved her because he loved her so much, it kind of spilled over to me.
Of course, I think I had it pretty easy then. She had just turned four at the time I met her. She was incredibly open to new people and had no problem cuddling up to me and reading stories. She was incredibly lovable. She made it easy to fall in love with her.
I love the last quote you put in, that their child is the one that everyone is related to, the one that ties everyone together. I have been trying to put that idea into words, and that is exactly it. I want something that will tie my stepdaughter to me biologically, not “just” love and a marriage certificate.
Hmmm That kind of sounds like the only reason I want a baby is for what it would bring me regarding Sunshine, and that is totally not it. I think I should reword that last sentence to say that a baby of our own would be what would tie us together even more. A common link of sorts.
I love my stepsons more than I ever thought possible but it wasn’t instant. I liked them a little then a little more. When I finally told them I loved them, I meant it. They would try the patience of God himself, but I love them just the same.
While I do have two beautiful little girls of my own, my husband and I do not have any children together. It saddens me greatly that it will never ever happen and I know I need to get over it, but I don’t know how. More than anything in the world I wish we could have a baby, a reflection of us, of the amazing love we share.
How does one move beyond that? How do I make peace with something that would be so bonding, so permanent and real?
I love this site and I will visit often.
I’ve been with my partner for over 2 years now and I’m still not 100% sure I love his kids. I like them a lot and they like me too, but I don’t think I’m all the way there yet. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, but I have to remind myself that you can’t force feelings no matter how hard you might try.
Since I actually met the kids before having met my now hubby, it was kinda role reversal. I had started talking to hubby via online. His brother was my roommate, so I knew the guy I was talking to wasn’t some creep, after all, he was fighting for his kids in his divorce while we talked. But after the divorce was final, she moved out, he then got deployed to Korea for about 6 months. His mother came up to get the kids (no, not the ex, Grandma had them) Now, grandma would visit her other son often, 90% of the time brining the kids with her. I would sit and play with them, it is fun teaching a then 6 and 4 year old to play a PS2 while a younger one is curled up on the lap. I would also watch them while uncle and grandma would go out to stores or uncle would accompany his parents to hardware shows…. So I spent more time with the kids then I ever did with the dad. So I did fall in love with the kids. I had so many opportunities to fall in love with them, without the influence of anyone else. Father, Mother, etc. When hubby came back from his deployment, he would shuttle the kids between his mom’s and his ex’s for the month he was on leave where we were. I would go along, and the kids would come running to me when they would start hearing the two fight. So they knew early on, I would help shield them as much as I could from that ugly scene.
I have thrown this topic around in my head for months now. My husband has three children at hard ages. 14, 11, and 9. Our 9 year old wants a little sister so bad and has suggested a number of times that we get to work.
However, my husbands ex insisted on a vasectomy and I have PCOS, so we have a double negative working against us. IT’s not that I don’t desperately want a child of my own, I do and my husband wants more children too. It’s a matter of money, both of trying to conceive and after the child is born.
I want nothing more to have babies as this was my plan from the moment I was young. I wanted 5 by the age of 30. Next year I will be 30, I am lucky enough to have three children already and when I really take a look, I think, my husband will be older than most parents our child’s age, and our kids now, are old enough to be independent…..do I really want to give that up?
I do love my SS - and everyone who meets us as a family is always surprised to realize I am not his BM. When I had my own child though, 9 months ago, I wasn’t ready for the strong emotional love/connection I felt with my birth son. I started to feel guilty that I didn’t love my SS the same. Could I? Will I? Is this natural? I think I love them both but I will admit that it is a different kind of love and I am not sure I would have ever expected that.
I don’t know if I’ve ever had that feeling. I’ve never given birth, so I don’t have that experience to compare it to, so I don’t know if I’ll ever know for sure. I think what I’ve had from day one is the sense that the more deeply connected to the kids’ dad I become, the more deeply connected we are — to the point where now we’re sort of in a closed system where happiness can come into the system and unhappiness can come into the system, and our lives are so intertwined that all of us feel the effects of whatever comes into our shared system. So I can’t be really happy if I know they’re really unhappy. I can’t see them hurt them without hurting myself. I don’t know if this is the same kind of love as the love you feel when you’ve given birth, but it feels like real love to me. It didn’t come on in a bang — it’s been growing as our lives have been growing together.
I don’t have stepkids yet… But I am an aunt. I’ve been with my nieces since they were born. They are as close to my own children as anyone will ever come. I wasn’t sure if I would ever love a kid like some of my mom friends talk about. And then I realized, that I do love my nieces like that… I do and I always have… And what it took for me was a “mama bear” moment. Long story short my niece was nearly dead in my arms after alcohol poisoning and something came up from within me that wouldn’t let her go. I knew she had to live and I realized that my motherly instincts had been there the whole time. And I knew I love her the same way as if she was birthed from me.
Not sure if you will ever experience a mama bear moment with your boys being so old already, but I have a feeling you love them more than you will realize for some time.
A million times thanks for your honesty.
I have two stepsons and my first baby on the way. The love issue with them has been a struggle for me ever since I met my now husband (3 years). I’ve used to beat myself up over the “why don’t I feel that overwhelming love” for the boys. Granted it is very difficult to bond when we only have them in our home for 1-1/2 days a week. They never showed affection toward me in terms of hugs or kisses and feel that I should not force that issue. Each time they are with us we work on schoolwork and I try and take time, even if it is only 15 minutes, to just talk to them about how they are doing. I don’t act like their friend but I do consider myself a parent thus give them rules of our household, guidance, and encouragement when needed. I don’t know if I will feel more maternal toward them after my baby arrives. In between time I’m accepting how I don’t feel and how perhaps they don’t feel but leaving it open for the bond or love to happen.
I went into this thing - blindly, of course, glistening in the words of the girl’s father (now spouse-man) “they’ll LOVE you!”. The oldest? Nope, attitude fostered by The Mother from the start. She actually disassociated herself from us when she was 16. Now, at 19 she communicates with her dad and I get the “love you” sideways hug. The younger one, now 15, is a different kind of person, is more gentle and less attitude and I’ve known her longer. It is more amiable and she and I can hang or not, but mostly she spends her time with her dad.
I never had the attitude that I was a replacement mother - rather, an adult role model/figure who could teach them things I know. I felt a motherly love for them initially, but I felt burned rather quickly and became guarded as I couldn’t trust that anything about me/us was not shared with The Mother who used the information maliciously. I am still guarded with the oldest, and am more relaxed with the youngest. I am not bothered by my lack of “love and warm fuzzies” - they know I care for their best interests and will help them - at least maybe they’ll figure that out when they are out from under the Mother Bungee.
I got married six months ago. I have a 3 year old daughter and my husband has a five year old daughter. My husband has taken to my daughter like she was his own. However, I am having a harder time feeling the connection and “love” for my SD as I do for my own. We have my SD two weeks and then her mother has her for two weeks. I enjoy her when she is here, but it is like we have to have to completely reprogram her when she get back from her mother’s. She has learned how to be very manipulative with adults and she “plays” her dad like every little girl is suppose to do but to the ultimate extreme. It has been very challenging to get my husband to see when she is doing it and for him to put his foot down with her. In a lot of cases I have been the one that has had to be consistant with her. She know boundaries and limitations, but before my husband and I got married she has gotten to do pretty much anything she wanted. So I feel like I am always playing “the bad guy”. Needless to say, she gets in trouble more than my daughter, which makes it look like I am playing favortism, but, my daughter has the same rules 100 percent of the time and is not only used to abiding by them but doesnt try to push them as far as they can go. I try to be very fair with my SD and my own daughter as if they both were my own, but I lack the natural affection I feel I should have for my SD. Unfortunatly, I feel this is due to the “princess like” way she is used to and lack of boundaries and limitations which result in her mannerisms and attitude that have to be adjusted everytime we get her. We are fighting for custody and I sincerly hope with all my heart that we get it so that she can grow up in a natural family environment and have consistancy in her life. I want the best for her through out her life and that is why I am hoping someone can give me advice on how to be the best SM I can be and to give her the love and motherly affection I know she really needs.
I stumbled on your site while searching for insight into my newly found life of the past 3 years! Okay, it’s not so new, but I’m still adjusting.
I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts. I’m a soon-to-be stepmom, although Future Husband has considered me stepmom since early on.
My love for his son was pretty instantaneous…I think it was because of him, as well as how FH & he interacted…I couldn’t help but love him!! I think that his age also helped. He was 1 1/2 when FH & I got together, so we connected pretty easily. Although, I loved him from the beginning, I didn’t tell him right away. How I felt for him was scary on many levels. And I was afraid of how he would react, even though he’s only 4 now. All the horrific scenarios that could stumbled through my head. Even after FH & I talked about it, I was scared and didn’t say it for a while. When I did, it went fine. There was no issue with him. To say I was excited is probably the understatement of year!
I don’t have any children of my own yet. So I can’t say that how I feel for him is exactly the same as it will be when FH & I have children, but I’d like to think it is. He manages to bring out all the “mommy” feelings in me, so I can’t see that this would be any different.
I also wanted to say that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to have kids either. I had a lot of big plans for my life, which never included family or children. Oh how that has changed! I still have my big plans, but now a family & children are the priority, and my dreams have been turned into something more realistic and less child-like fantasy. FH & his son are the main reason for that change, being around them and watching them together and interacting with them as a family made whatever unsure feelings I had about being a mom dissipate!