Are stepkids enough kids?
As a mother, I’m a virgin. I am a stepmom who has birthed no babes of my own. In fact, I’m not sure I ever will. For years, I have joked that I have no biological clock, or that I was born with a broken one– I’ve never heard so much as a tick. It’s not that I’m a cruel kid-hater, I’ve just never longed for a baby. For now, my two stepkids are enough kids, but I’ve wondered if this will always be the case. And if my feelings change, will I struggle like many stepmoms do when they add a baby to their blended mix?
This quote comes from a post in the Stepmother’s Milk Forum…
“Husband and I are going to start trying to conceive-which is exactly what I have always wanted. My whole life I have looked forward to being a mother. All of the sudden I am feeling worried and sad about bringing a baby into our family. I don’t want [my stepkids] to think they are being replaced…”
I encourage you to join the discussion. Are stepkids enough kids? How does adding a baby change the stepfamily?
Look for my Friday post where I continue this conversation.
Tags:forum, stepfamily, stepkids, stepmom, stepmom forum, Stepmothers Milk
my husband came into our marriage with 2 kids. i came into the marriage with 2 kids. and…we had one of our own. he is now 4. he is the tie that binds. the one person who everyone in the house is related to. no one felt replaced. there was no jealousy…still isn’t, at least, i don’t think there is.
the only people that resent our son is my husbands parents…my son’s grandparents.
but, having a child was a wonderful decision.
Melissa - That’s a wonderful analogy and one that I hope holds true for my SD as well. I have two children with her father.
However, I am also mindful of what some stepchildren feel when Biokids are added to the mix - feelings of being outnumbered, the odd-man out b/c of only having ONE bioparent in the home, replaced, and that they have to compete for her bioparent’s attention.
My SD is most definitely jealous of her younger siblings (as much as she adores them dearly). For six years, she was her Dad’s one and only child. Now she has to share him with her brother and sister, and she doesn’t always like that. I believe this is exacerbated when she visits BioMom, where she is still her ONE and ONLY, and is the center of attention. It’s a difficult pill for her to swallow.
We are not exactly sure if my SD feels outnumbered or the outcast. She has a hard time getting in touch with and expressing her emotions. Therapy has played a big part in her life, and will once again, so I am hoping that if she is feeling this way we will all be able to address it and give her whatever reassurances she needs.
Like Melissa, my husband had two children and I had two chldren when we married. We then had our own son together, who also just turned four. It has been wonderful raising him together and we soooo appreciate the privilege because we are all too familiar with the devastation caused by divorce, especially for the children. We really had to give serious consideration to the possibility of having another child as I was already over 40. Did we really want to start over when all of the other kids were already in school? If I did have another child I wanted to stay home as I had been working a very demanding corporate position that required a lot of travel. Could we handle the loss of income considering the enormous amount of child support my husband was paying and the constant legal fees? How would the other children handle it?
when we got married my children were comfortable calling my husband by his first name. His children were comfortable calling me by my first name and that was geat with all of us. But one of us was always being addressed by our first name. I still remember the night that my husband and I looked at each other from across the living room and it was like we both knew what the other was thinking. We longed to hear ONE child call us mommy and daddy. And my husband, heartbroken at being robbed of the opportunity to raise his children full time….. longed to hug and hold his own child every day.
We were blessed with the ability to conceive a healthy baby and I gave birth to him at age 42.
My birth children have embraced and loved their little brother since the day he was born. Sadly, my stepchildren are filled with resentment and non acceptance….. a direct result of negative comments from their mother. One of the most hurtful comments being this quote from then 10- year- old stepdaughter who was showing unacceptable behavior toward her little brother: “Mom said it was wrong of you to have another kid.” When asked why? “Because he will take time and money away from us” and “She said you will not love us as much anymore.” It was beyond painful to know she was filling their heads with such venom. Despite all reassurances from my husband and me…. we have been unable to break that thought process with her and/or undo her mother’s continual brainwashing.
Besides our little guy totally kicking our butts in the energy department …( ummmmm 4 year old vs. 46 and 44 year olds….. WE DONT STAND A CHANCE! We collapse into bed at night.) we believe we have been totally blessed with our own creation and that he has brought so much joy and laughter and love into our lives. Not always easy, but most definately worth it!
I am a virgin also! My husband and I are raising three sons from his first marriage. I love my SS so much and they are my children. They all call me mom and I do the PTA thing work full time, cook, clean, drive car pool and help with sports. The BM is still in their lives but very minimal (Summers and Spring break) My husband and I are having the “talk” right now about adding another child to the mix. I am torn on the whole thing. I am like you, for the longest time I thought I was born without a biological clock. I thought that would never change. Now, as my stepchildren get older, I am longing for a child. I feel that I would be hurting the boys but at the same time hurting myself if we don’t have anymore children. Then I start feeling selfish because I am thinking of myself.
No matter what happens it is a struggle.
You are not being selfish for wanting to add a child. It sounds like you are a lovely and devoted stepmom and have clearly been raising those kids selfishly- a baby would be lucky to have you.
IR
I meant- SELFLESSLY.
I’m wondering if anyone knows of any good books with advice on this topic. I’m a step-mom with two step-kids. Sometimes I think this is enough. WE have the kids half the week and I watch them full-time in the summers. It’s nice to have a break and be alone with my husband when they’re not around. I worry what life will be like, for me and for me and my man, if we bring a baby into the mix.
Book recommendations much apprecitated!