Comments on: The Stepkid Shuffle http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/ a blog for advice, forum, help and guidance for the stepmom, stepkids and stepfamily Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:24:04 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Stepmother's Milk- Blog, Advice, Forums, Support and Help for the Stepmom, stepkid, stepfamily and step parenting :: Austin, Texas http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-4639 Stepmother's Milk- Blog, Advice, Forums, Support and Help for the Stepmom, stepkid, stepfamily and step parenting :: Austin, Texas Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:46:50 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-4639 [...] we have had here are included in The Package Deal, including the L-Word, What’s in a name, The Stepkid Shuffle and Marrying the [...] [...] we have had here are included in The Package Deal, including the L-Word, What’s in a name, The Stepkid Shuffle and Marrying the [...]

]]> By: Stepmother's Milk- Blog, Advice, Forums, Support and Help for the Stepmom, stepkid, stepfamily and step parenting :: Austin, Texas http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2986 Stepmother's Milk- Blog, Advice, Forums, Support and Help for the Stepmom, stepkid, stepfamily and step parenting :: Austin, Texas Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:34:59 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2986 [...] wrote a post called The Stepkid Shuffle, where I talked about the strain moving back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s [...] [...] wrote a post called The Stepkid Shuffle, where I talked about the strain moving back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s [...]

]]> By: DMC http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2643 DMC Thu, 07 Feb 2008 19:07:14 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2643 It's such a common event in my state for parents to share custody. I have a 9 year old son and share weekon/off custody with his dad (who is remarried). My fiance has his two kids (16yo boy and 13 yo girl) two weeks on/off with their mom (who is remarried). The kids don't seem to mind the "transitioning" phsically since they don't take any material things back and forth, but it does take 2 or 3 days to get them "back". We just seem to want the kids to be happy and try to teach them that they can love everyone and that their stepparents will never replace their mom and dad, but my son's dad and their mom are so afraid of being usurped in their kids' lives that they just do whatever they can to turn the kids against us. It does make for a difficult example but all you can do is show by example and ignore all the mean commets (and having a glass of wine does help!) It’s such a common event in my state for parents to share custody. I have a 9 year old son and share weekon/off custody with his dad (who is remarried). My fiance has his two kids (16yo boy and 13 yo girl) two weeks on/off with their mom (who is remarried). The kids don’t seem to mind the “transitioning” phsically since they don’t take any material things back and forth, but it does take 2 or 3 days to get them “back”. We just seem to want the kids to be happy and try to teach them that they can love everyone and that their stepparents will never replace their mom and dad, but my son’s dad and their mom are so afraid of being usurped in their kids’ lives that they just do whatever they can to turn the kids against us. It does make for a difficult example but all you can do is show by example and ignore all the mean commets (and having a glass of wine does help!)

]]> By: Wicked Stepmom http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2521 Wicked Stepmom Thu, 31 Jan 2008 16:11:24 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2521 Thanks for this insightful post! We go through this somewhat with my SD - but much less now that DH was given full custody. But early on she would always come home uncomfortable and quiet after a weekend visit with BioMom. We eventually figured out how difficult it must be for her - two different houses, two different sets of rules (actually, none w/ BioMom!). Plus also knowing her Mom would oftentimes speak ill of us in front of her. It's funny, in the beginning DH and BioMom both thought that it was better for them to share EQUAL custody of my SD. They thought it was better for her to see both of her parents. In the end, for us anyway, the transitions seem to go much smoother now that she lives with us and only sleeps over her Mom's two weekends a month. (There's a whole lot more to our story that went into BioMom's loss of custody, which is probably working for as well as against my SDs ability to transition between our two households. Yes, the stepfamily dynamic is never an easy one!) Thanks for this insightful post!

We go through this somewhat with my SD - but much less now that DH was given full custody.

But early on she would always come home uncomfortable and quiet after a weekend visit with BioMom. We eventually figured out how difficult it must be for her - two different houses, two different sets of rules (actually, none w/ BioMom!). Plus also knowing her Mom would oftentimes speak ill of us in front of her.

It’s funny, in the beginning DH and BioMom both thought that it was better for them to share EQUAL custody of my SD. They thought it was better for her to see both of her parents. In the end, for us anyway, the transitions seem to go much smoother now that she lives with us and only sleeps over her Mom’s two weekends a month.

(There’s a whole lot more to our story that went into BioMom’s loss of custody, which is probably working for as well as against my SDs ability to transition between our two households. Yes, the stepfamily dynamic is never an easy one!)

]]> By: melissa http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2463 melissa Sun, 27 Jan 2008 20:41:18 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2463 that is an amazing post! my step kids live with me. they only see their bio-mom for dinner, once a week and, depending on whether or not she feels like having them sleep over, that too, is once a week...and just overnight. but, the transition...it's awful, even for that short period. the kids are usually belligerent, dark and moody, when they get home...usually, it's from exhaustion because of no set bed time rules...but still...very hard to deal with. so, my defense is...i ignore them until they come to me. then, our usual antics can take place. but, i let it be on their terms...otherwise, i'm not responded to, very warmly. my kids, on the otherhand...for whatever reason, they transition smoothly. i'm not sure why...perhaps it's because they live with me? but, they see their dad at least once a week for dinner, and sleep over...one night a weekend. while there are no rules at his house...they still seem to do ok. anyway...your post was excellent!! thank you! that is an amazing post! my step kids live with me. they only see their bio-mom for dinner, once a week and, depending on whether or not she feels like having them sleep over, that too, is once a week…and just overnight. but, the transition…it’s awful, even for that short period. the kids are usually belligerent, dark and moody, when they get home…usually, it’s from exhaustion because of no set bed time rules…but still…very hard to deal with. so, my defense is…i ignore them until they come to me. then, our usual antics can take place. but, i let it be on their terms…otherwise, i’m not responded to, very warmly.
my kids, on the otherhand…for whatever reason, they transition smoothly. i’m not sure why…perhaps it’s because they live with me? but, they see their dad at least once a week for dinner, and sleep over…one night a weekend. while there are no rules at his house…they still seem to do ok.
anyway…your post was excellent!! thank you!

]]> By: Natalie http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2456 Natalie Sun, 27 Jan 2008 05:31:05 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2456 I've come to expect and accept this transition time in my children after all overnight or extended visits away from home - whether it be to their dad & stepmom's house, my parents' house, or to summer camp. There's always a time of adjustment when they get home and get settled back into the routines. Thanks for writing this, Izzy. I’ve come to expect and accept this transition time in my children after all overnight or extended visits away from home - whether it be to their dad & stepmom’s house, my parents’ house, or to summer camp. There’s always a time of adjustment when they get home and get settled back into the routines.

Thanks for writing this, Izzy.

]]> By: Jill http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2441 Jill Sat, 26 Jan 2008 19:29:34 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2441 I've been in therapy, too, and it's always helped a lot. It is scary to go the first time, but the feeling I got from the sessions -- for me at least -- was relief and release and understanding and comfort -- it was that wonderful enfolding feeling of having someone sit with me in my lostness and beaming deep, deep empathy towards me. Also, it feels a little like going for a massage. Weird and uncomfortable at first to take your clothes off and get under a sheet, but the relaxation of the massage is 1,000 times worth it. I’ve been in therapy, too, and it’s always helped a lot. It is scary to go the first time, but the feeling I got from the sessions — for me at least — was relief and release and understanding and comfort — it was that wonderful enfolding feeling of having someone sit with me in my lostness and beaming deep, deep empathy towards me. Also, it feels a little like going for a massage. Weird and uncomfortable at first to take your clothes off and get under a sheet, but the relaxation of the massage is 1,000 times worth it.

]]> By: Chelly http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2438 Chelly Sat, 26 Jan 2008 18:21:15 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2438 My parents divorced when I was 13. Only, it was not a normal divorce. My father is a very big fan of mental abuse. So my mom ran with me. Sadly, he came home early from a delivery and caught us in the act. That was the first time in my life I saw my father shed a true tear. I realize now, that true tear was just another part of a game he played. This would be a very long comment, so instead, I think I will write this out. Thank you Izzy for the idea. I have debated going to a therapist several times. but I don't have the courage. I hope one day to get that courage. I know I could use it. My parents divorced when I was 13. Only, it was not a normal divorce. My father is a very big fan of mental abuse. So my mom ran with me. Sadly, he came home early from a delivery and caught us in the act. That was the first time in my life I saw my father shed a true tear. I realize now, that true tear was just another part of a game he played.

This would be a very long comment, so instead, I think I will write this out. Thank you Izzy for the idea.

I have debated going to a therapist several times. but I don’t have the courage. I hope one day to get that courage. I know I could use it.

]]> By: The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange » Blog Archive » Links for Friday, January 25 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2394 The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange » Blog Archive » Links for Friday, January 25 Fri, 25 Jan 2008 20:51:18 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2394 [...] Stepmother’s Milk: The Stepkid Shuffle - “Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck. . . . Have you ever returned from a trip on a Sunday night and dragged yourself into work the very next morning? Yuck, right? I’ve been in this situation and it’s draining, disorienting and it puts me in a pissy, funky mood. I always kick myself for not taking one more day off to decompress, clear my head, snap out of it and get back in the groove. I think it must be a little bit like this for our stepkids who divide their time between two houses, often several times within one week!” (more) [...] [...] Stepmother’s Milk: The Stepkid Shuffle - “Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck. . . . Have you ever returned from a trip on a Sunday night and dragged yourself into work the very next morning? Yuck, right? I’ve been in this situation and it’s draining, disorienting and it puts me in a pissy, funky mood. I always kick myself for not taking one more day off to decompress, clear my head, snap out of it and get back in the groove. I think it must be a little bit like this for our stepkids who divide their time between two houses, often several times within one week!” (more) [...]

]]> By: Izzy http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2392 Izzy Fri, 25 Jan 2008 19:36:19 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2392 Alice, while I can relate to being a stepkid, I don't have any familiarity with being a mom and I do think its very hard not to feel hurt over things. In my opinion, you should not feel guilty or embarrassed about anything...we can compassionate to our stepkids, but we're still women who want to be accepted and feel appreciated for our stepmom role. The husband tells me often to "let it go" and I look at him like, are you crazy? Hang in there. IR Alice, while I can relate to being a stepkid, I don’t have any familiarity with being a mom and I do think its very hard not to feel hurt over things. In my opinion, you should not feel guilty or embarrassed about anything…we can compassionate to our stepkids, but we’re still women who want to be accepted and feel appreciated for our stepmom role. The husband tells me often to “let it go” and I look at him like, are you crazy? Hang in there.

IR

]]> By: Alice Nelson http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2391 Alice Nelson Fri, 25 Jan 2008 19:24:30 +0000 http://stepmothersmilk.com/2008/01/25/the-stepkid-shuffle/#comment-2391 You are absolutely correct - the kids are definitely on the bigger roller coaster. I'm not sure what gets into me though...I get so hurt and, to be perfectly honest, I act like a child about it. I pout, or go crying to Mr.Brady about how the kids have "hurt my feelings". I wish I could just take a deep breath and "let it go", but I find it so difficult not to take things personally. The next day, after I've had a chance to calm down, I begin to feel guilt, shame and embarrassment. I never say anything or pout in front of the kids, but I do take it out on my husband, and I know that can't be healthy. You mentioned that you see a therapist - I think I might do that. I think I need to talk to someone who can give me advice on how to break my current thought process, so that is is less self destructive, and more compassionate towards the situation as a whole. Thanks for this post, Izzy. You are absolutely correct - the kids are definitely on the bigger roller coaster. I’m not sure what gets into me though…I get so hurt and, to be perfectly honest, I act like a child about it. I pout, or go crying to Mr.Brady about how the kids have “hurt my feelings”. I wish I could just take a deep breath and “let it go”, but I find it so difficult not to take things personally.

The next day, after I’ve had a chance to calm down, I begin to feel guilt, shame and embarrassment. I never say anything or pout in front of the kids, but I do take it out on my husband, and I know that can’t be healthy.

You mentioned that you see a therapist - I think I might do that. I think I need to talk to someone who can give me advice on how to break my current thought process, so that is is less self destructive, and more compassionate towards the situation as a whole.

Thanks for this post, Izzy.

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