The Stepkid Shuffle
My parents divorced when I was nine and married others when I was ten. They stayed in the same town, moved into separate homes and agreed on a 50/50 shared custody split. This is how life changed for young Izzy within one year:
Age 9:
1 house
1 bedroom
1 set of parents
1 cat
Age 10:
2 houses
2 bedrooms
2 sets of parents
2 stepsisters
2 cats
Not to mention, 2 house keys, 2 phone numbers and 2 different routes to school. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most confusing part: two new sets of rules! I went back and forth between the two houses– you guessed it– every two weeks.
Moving back and forth…is a bit of a drag
I call this the stepkid shuffle, or “the schlep.” It’s the trek a child of divorce often makes between mom’s house and dad’s. I speak from experience, so I’ll be frank- moving back and forth is not a lot of fun. In fact, it’s a bit of a drag. Yes, the routine does inspire efficient packing skills, but at age ten, is this really necessary? Every couple weeks, I’d pack up my loot in an orange duffel bag and haul it out to the curb and wait for pick-up. While, I was always excited to be reunited with the parent I’d missed, the departure was unnerving, and I have to believe my reaction was absolutely normal and unavoidable. What kid wants to split her world in half?
As far as divorce goes, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. My parents never slung hurtful words at each other, I never doubted their devotion or love for me and I accepted what I couldn’t change: we’d never share a single home again. Mom’s house and Dad’s were both warm and welcoming to me and yet still, it always took some time to settle in. I think this is a monumental struggle for many stepkids. Settling in. Readjusting to a new set of walls and doors, a new stepfamily down the hall.
“Kids like stability, my current therapist in Austin tell me. It makes them feel safe.”
This makes sense. I can remember feeling like as soon as I relaxed into the pattern at one house, it was time to pack up again and return to the other. Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck. I never pitched any fits (I’m more of the repressed anger type), but I can understand why some kids do. Think about it. Have you ever returned from a trip on a Sunday night and dragged yourself into work the very next morning? Yuck, right? I’ve been in this situation and it’s draining, disorienting and it puts me in a pissy, funky mood. I always kick myself for not taking one more day off to decompress, clear my head, snap out of it and get back in the groove. I think it must be a little bit like this for our stepkids who divide their time between two houses, often several times within one week! It’s no wonder they often act like little jerks.
Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck.
I try to keep all this in mind with my stepsons, although admittedly, it’s hard not to take their attitudes personally. When The Tall One refused to hug me in the airport after he returned from his mom’s after the holiday, I was hurt. Instead of forgiving him and acting “mature,” I sulked a bit and considered putting him back on the plane. As much as our stepchildren’s sweetness can break our hearts, their callousness can drive a dagger right through it.
So, what’s my advice to stepmoms? Many of you wondered how to deal with snarly stepkids after they’ve returned from bio-mom’s house. I want to avoid sounding like Dear Abby, but I do think our stepkids are on the bigger roller coaster ride. The “schlep” requires a lot of flexibility on the part of the kid. It takes some time to recover from all that back and forth movement.
I can’t guarantee this will work, but try not reacting to rude or insensitive behavior within the first 72 hours. Kids are professional punks when they’re tired or their emotions are fried. Give them some time (a grace period, if you will) to shake off the old routine and settle into the new one. And expect some reluctance and sourpuss moods. They’re being forced to shift loyalties between parents. This is a potential minefield. Get out of the way. Call a girlfriend. Stay calm.
Now, that said, as a new stepmom, I can tell you that when I get taunting comments like “that’s not how we do it at mommy’s,” I want to throw their toys in the trash (I’ve never done this). Usually, I give them a strained grin and pour myself a glass of wine. I know that if I play the comparison game, I’ll lose, so I try not to go there. Plus, what they do at their mother’s house is irrelevant! I’ve made this point, “When you’re in my house, you’re expected to follow my rules.” After about three days, they start to get it.
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Tags:advice, divorce, forum, stepkid, stepmom
You are absolutely correct - the kids are definitely on the bigger roller coaster. I’m not sure what gets into me though…I get so hurt and, to be perfectly honest, I act like a child about it. I pout, or go crying to Mr.Brady about how the kids have “hurt my feelings”. I wish I could just take a deep breath and “let it go”, but I find it so difficult not to take things personally.
The next day, after I’ve had a chance to calm down, I begin to feel guilt, shame and embarrassment. I never say anything or pout in front of the kids, but I do take it out on my husband, and I know that can’t be healthy.
You mentioned that you see a therapist - I think I might do that. I think I need to talk to someone who can give me advice on how to break my current thought process, so that is is less self destructive, and more compassionate towards the situation as a whole.
Thanks for this post, Izzy.
Alice, while I can relate to being a stepkid, I don’t have any familiarity with being a mom and I do think its very hard not to feel hurt over things. In my opinion, you should not feel guilty or embarrassed about anything…we can compassionate to our stepkids, but we’re still women who want to be accepted and feel appreciated for our stepmom role. The husband tells me often to “let it go” and I look at him like, are you crazy? Hang in there.
IR
[...] Stepmother’s Milk: The Stepkid Shuffle - “Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck. . . . Have you ever returned from a trip on a Sunday night and dragged yourself into work the very next morning? Yuck, right? I’ve been in this situation and it’s draining, disorienting and it puts me in a pissy, funky mood. I always kick myself for not taking one more day off to decompress, clear my head, snap out of it and get back in the groove. I think it must be a little bit like this for our stepkids who divide their time between two houses, often several times within one week!” (more) [...]
My parents divorced when I was 13. Only, it was not a normal divorce. My father is a very big fan of mental abuse. So my mom ran with me. Sadly, he came home early from a delivery and caught us in the act. That was the first time in my life I saw my father shed a true tear. I realize now, that true tear was just another part of a game he played.
This would be a very long comment, so instead, I think I will write this out. Thank you Izzy for the idea.
I have debated going to a therapist several times. but I don’t have the courage. I hope one day to get that courage. I know I could use it.
I’ve been in therapy, too, and it’s always helped a lot. It is scary to go the first time, but the feeling I got from the sessions — for me at least — was relief and release and understanding and comfort — it was that wonderful enfolding feeling of having someone sit with me in my lostness and beaming deep, deep empathy towards me. Also, it feels a little like going for a massage. Weird and uncomfortable at first to take your clothes off and get under a sheet, but the relaxation of the massage is 1,000 times worth it.
I’ve come to expect and accept this transition time in my children after all overnight or extended visits away from home - whether it be to their dad & stepmom’s house, my parents’ house, or to summer camp. There’s always a time of adjustment when they get home and get settled back into the routines.
Thanks for writing this, Izzy.
that is an amazing post! my step kids live with me. they only see their bio-mom for dinner, once a week and, depending on whether or not she feels like having them sleep over, that too, is once a week…and just overnight. but, the transition…it’s awful, even for that short period. the kids are usually belligerent, dark and moody, when they get home…usually, it’s from exhaustion because of no set bed time rules…but still…very hard to deal with. so, my defense is…i ignore them until they come to me. then, our usual antics can take place. but, i let it be on their terms…otherwise, i’m not responded to, very warmly.
my kids, on the otherhand…for whatever reason, they transition smoothly. i’m not sure why…perhaps it’s because they live with me? but, they see their dad at least once a week for dinner, and sleep over…one night a weekend. while there are no rules at his house…they still seem to do ok.
anyway…your post was excellent!! thank you!
Thanks for this insightful post!
We go through this somewhat with my SD - but much less now that DH was given full custody.
But early on she would always come home uncomfortable and quiet after a weekend visit with BioMom. We eventually figured out how difficult it must be for her - two different houses, two different sets of rules (actually, none w/ BioMom!). Plus also knowing her Mom would oftentimes speak ill of us in front of her.
It’s funny, in the beginning DH and BioMom both thought that it was better for them to share EQUAL custody of my SD. They thought it was better for her to see both of her parents. In the end, for us anyway, the transitions seem to go much smoother now that she lives with us and only sleeps over her Mom’s two weekends a month.
(There’s a whole lot more to our story that went into BioMom’s loss of custody, which is probably working for as well as against my SDs ability to transition between our two households. Yes, the stepfamily dynamic is never an easy one!)
It’s such a common event in my state for parents to share custody. I have a 9 year old son and share weekon/off custody with his dad (who is remarried). My fiance has his two kids (16yo boy and 13 yo girl) two weeks on/off with their mom (who is remarried). The kids don’t seem to mind the “transitioning” phsically since they don’t take any material things back and forth, but it does take 2 or 3 days to get them “back”. We just seem to want the kids to be happy and try to teach them that they can love everyone and that their stepparents will never replace their mom and dad, but my son’s dad and their mom are so afraid of being usurped in their kids’ lives that they just do whatever they can to turn the kids against us. It does make for a difficult example but all you can do is show by example and ignore all the mean commets (and having a glass of wine does help!)
[...] wrote a post called The Stepkid Shuffle, where I talked about the strain moving back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s [...]