Introducing Ms. January!
Jill Doughtie writes regularly at the DHX, a fantastic blog that focuses primarily on the stepmom and bio-mom relationship. Jill (stepmom) and Kathy (biomom) are an inspiring example of how patience, good humor and fortitude can create a blended family where everyone’s happy (at least most of the time).
1) Talk a little about your decision to start a blog with your husband’s ex. How did this come about and what were your hopes for putting it out there?
Kathy and I were in a coffee shop together talking about money and the kids and wanting more money to pursue the kids’ goals and our goals. I think we’d both been playing with the idea of asking the other one to collaborate on a writing project about the mom-stepmom relationship. Neither one of us knew that the other one had been thinking about it, and we both thought the other wouldn’t be interested. We realized that afternoon that we were both very interested, and that we also might be able to make money together to pursue some of the goals we’d been talking about. We decided to start with a blog with the goal of ultimately writing a book together.
2) And what about this relationship with the ex? I get a sense that you and Kathy were not always so close, but now consider each other family and friends. How did this happen?
We were friendly when we first met — I think we both had warm, good first impressions of each other. We didn’t know each other well when I moved in with G, but what we knew of each other we liked. When I moved in with G, Kathy and I were both all of a sudden deeply in each other’s space and very surprised. We did the best we knew how to do, but after a while, our best turned into not talking to each other for a year. That year of not talking was one of the most tortured, unhappy years of my life.
“I needed to commit to actively working to understand her perspective, address her concerns, and communicate my own feelings and needs more clearly.”
I hit a point where I realized I’d do whatever I had to do to be happy again. Even if it meant reexamining my basic ideas about who I was and how things were supposed to be. I read stacks and stacks of books, and slowing began to understand how it would be quite possible for her to see me as the bad guy, and how, if the relationship was important to me, I needed to commit to actively working to understand her perspective, address her concerns, and communicate my own feelings and needs more clearly. If the relationship was important to me, I needed to take action. I could not waste time sulking. I realized that the relationship was very important to me, because as long as I was with G, she and I would be in each other’s lives. I came to see the choice as staying with G and reconciling with Kathy, or leaving. And I was in love with G and wanted to stay.
I emailed her at first and told her I was sorry. We started meeting to talk at restaurants. She was very receptive, open and willing to talk and to listen. It wasn’t easy at first, but it felt good. It felt right. I started to feel like myself again. We got to know each other as people. We started using the word “friend” about each other. It felt strange at first, but more and more comfortable over time. We started to grow closer and to trust each other more. Kathy had to go to the hospital suddenly for surgery early this last fall, and that’s when the “family” part really gelled. She was in the hospital for about a week, and I asked her if she wanted me to come visit her, and she said yes, and I came and stayed with her as much as I could during that week. It was pure joy. We were just quiet together a lot. We talked some. Mostly we just knew that we loved each other. And that felt really good.
3) Give a little history. When did you get married? Who are these stepkids of yours and what has your relationship with them been like?
I met G in early 2003, met Kathy and the kids in late 2003, moved in with G in early 2005, and married G in early 2007. The kids, Chris and Jack, are 15 and 12. They are warm, funny, handsome kids. I love them. G waited to introduce me to them until we were pretty serious, and I took my time getting to know them after that. We moved slowly.
4) How did you win these kids over? Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with them today.
All the books said, “Don’t try to take the place of their mom. Don’t come in and make a bunch of new rules.” I followed that advice. G and Kathy set the directions parenting-wise. Also, I try to learn about things I know the kids are interested in. For a while we were playing video games together. That was a great bonding experience. I’ll probably never have the same blood-bond close relationship they have with G and Kathy, but that’s okay. That’s natural. And it’s not a competition.
I think the number one thing I did to bond with them was open my heart to their mom, though.
5) What is hardest about being a stepmom? Feeling like an outsider? Talk about this.
Feeling like an outsider is hard. It’s probably the hardest thing about being a stepmom for me. I still feel like I’m in a country where everyone else is speaking their native tongue, and I will never be a native speaker of their language. We might eventually all find that we’ve moved and that we’re in new country and that we’re speaking a new language that is a combination of our native languages. But I don’t think we’re there yet. Kathy says she feels like an outsider, too, though. Maybe all five of us feel like outsiders to a certain extent. It would be nice if we all felt like insiders together.
6) What is something you have learned from reading other women’s blogs?
People are beautiful and messed up and no one really knows what they are doing, including me. The world is full of normal, amazing, messed up, beautiful people.
7) What are the benefits to the kids for all loving each other, like you mention in one of your recent posts?
The kids don’t have to live in the middle of a cold war. The kids don’t have to worry about taking care of us. The kids get to concentrate on being kids. They don’t have to worry as much about about divided loyalty. They don’t have to live quite such schizophrenic lives. Both sides of their DNA are validated. They get to see the grown-ups they love getting along.
If you want to hear more about Jill and Kathy’s sweet household, visit them here.
Tags: DHX, Expert Advice, jill_doughtie, los_angeles, stepfamilies, stepfamily, stepkids, stepmom_in_the_spotlight, stepparenting_advice
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