My parents divorced when I was nine and married others when I was ten. They stayed in the same town, moved into separate homes and agreed on a 50/50 shared custody split. This is how life changed for young Izzy within one year:
Age 9:
1 house
1 bedroom
1 set of parents
1 cat
Age 10:
2 houses
2 bedrooms
2 sets of parents
2 stepsisters
2 cats
Not to mention, 2 house keys, 2 phone numbers and 2 different routes to school. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most confusing part: two new sets of rules! I went back and forth between the two houses– you guessed it– every two weeks.
Moving back and forth…is a bit of a drag
I call this the stepkid shuffle, or “the schlep.” It’s the trek a child of divorce often makes between mom’s house and dad’s. I speak from experience, so I’ll be frank- moving back and forth is not a lot of fun. In fact, it’s a bit of a drag. Yes, the routine does inspire efficient packing skills, but at age ten, is this really necessary? Every couple weeks, I’d pack up my loot in an orange duffel bag and haul it out to the curb and wait for pick-up. While, I was always excited to be reunited with the parent I’d missed, the departure was unnerving, and I have to believe my reaction was absolutely normal and unavoidable. What kid wants to split her world in half?
As far as divorce goes, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. My parents never slung hurtful words at each other, I never doubted their devotion or love for me and I accepted what I couldn’t change: we’d never share a single home again. Mom’s house and Dad’s were both warm and welcoming to me and yet still, it always took some time to settle in. I think this is a monumental struggle for many stepkids. Settling in. Readjusting to a new set of walls and doors, a new stepfamily down the hall.
“Kids like stability, my current therapist in Austin tell me. It makes them feel safe.”
This makes sense. I can remember feeling like as soon as I relaxed into the pattern at one house, it was time to pack up again and return to the other. Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck. I never pitched any fits (I’m more of the repressed anger type), but I can understand why some kids do. Think about it. Have you ever returned from a trip on a Sunday night and dragged yourself into work the very next morning? Yuck, right? I’ve been in this situation and it’s draining, disorienting and it puts me in a pissy, funky mood. I always kick myself for not taking one more day off to decompress, clear my head, snap out of it and get back in the groove. I think it must be a little bit like this for our stepkids who divide their time between two houses, often several times within one week! It’s no wonder they often act like little jerks.
Leaving is emotionally and physically disruptive. And goodbyes suck.
I try to keep all this in mind with my stepsons, although admittedly, it’s hard not to take their attitudes personally. When The Tall One refused to hug me in the airport after he returned from his mom’s after the holiday, I was hurt. Instead of forgiving him and acting “mature,” I sulked a bit and considered putting him back on the plane. As much as our stepchildren’s sweetness can break our hearts, their callousness can drive a dagger right through it.
So, what’s my advice to stepmoms? Many of you wondered how to deal with snarly stepkids after they’ve returned from bio-mom’s house. I want to avoid sounding like Dear Abby, but I do think our stepkids are on the bigger roller coaster ride. The “schlep” requires a lot of flexibility on the part of the kid. It takes some time to recover from all that back and forth movement.
I can’t guarantee this will work, but try not reacting to rude or insensitive behavior within the first 72 hours. Kids are professional punks when they’re tired or their emotions are fried. Give them some time (a grace period, if you will) to shake off the old routine and settle into the new one. And expect some reluctance and sourpuss moods. They’re being forced to shift loyalties between parents. This is a potential minefield. Get out of the way. Call a girlfriend. Stay calm.
Now, that said, as a new stepmom, I can tell you that when I get taunting comments like “that’s not how we do it at mommy’s,” I want to throw their toys in the trash (I’ve never done this). Usually, I give them a strained grin and pour myself a glass of wine. I know that if I play the comparison game, I’ll lose, so I try not to go there. Plus, what they do at their mother’s house is irrelevant! I’ve made this point, “When you’re in my house, you’re expected to follow my rules.” After about three days, they start to get it.
To join the original discussion started in the forum, click here.
Tweet This Post
Posts 
