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Archive for December, 2007

Hello. Where are you?

Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

Ladies, I’ve done it again.

I’ve abandoned my lovely husband and stepsons for a freelance gig a plane ride away. I’m back in San Francisco doing some TV work and it’s really (I have guilt) cutting into my writing time. My intention is to bring you up to speed with gritty details (if not now than very soon) and get back to the business of sorting out my stepmom angst. Especially as we head into the Mother of all holidays.

This is what I can tell you right now: I’m staying in a hotel room that comes with a King bed, a view of Pacific Heights and a maid that brings me fresh towels every morning. She also lines up my cosmetics in a very specific order and fluffs my pillows (there are seven).

I’ve been eating out and alone every night at this cozy little place on Chestnut Street where they bring me red Zin and either a tuna melt, chicken and apple salad or veggie chili. These items might sound like uninspired selections, but they are super tasty and comforting and each night I can’t convince myself to go anywhere else. I’m sure they (the same wait staff I order from every night) are wondering where this perfect stranger came from that they suddenly can’t get rid of. I’ve made a pact with myself not to go there for the next two nights and I’m already fretting about where tomorrow’s dinner will come from.

December is a magical time to be in San Francisco.

December is a magical time to be in San Francisco. The fog and cold feels appropriate and I am dressed accordingly in long white coat and scarf. Every awning and front door is decorated with twinkly lights and winter greens and the mood is predominantly festive and sentimental. The City is beautiful and it’s much easier at this time of year to ignore the underlying cruelty and desperation that slinks around every urban landscape.

If it sounds like a vacation, it is. While I miss The Husband and how he warms up our bed and is the sweetest thing to sleep next to (I’m wearing socks now to compensate for the loss of heat), I get to slip out of the married stepmom role and into a temporary, yet very familiar lifestyle: Single and independent. Spending ten hours a day as a career woman without family commitments or obligations. It’s an unusual opportunity. To go back. To stand in the past and reflect on the present.

If I hadn’t done this before, I’d be wondering which life I like more. I continue to return to Austin, so that should tell you something.

(Still, that doesn’t mean that I’m not looking forward to spreading out on the bed tonight and hogging every inch.)

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Stepmom in the Spotlight: Lori of the Real World

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

Introducing Ms. December!

Lori Hansen lives in Minnesota and is a bio-mom, as well as a stepmom. She has valuable insight because she was the often labeled and misunderstood “EX” for many years before remarrying and gaining the stepmom perspective. Now, she shares a growing friendship with the stepmom of her kids and the mother of her stepkids. She blogs about her experiences at the real world.

1) Talk about your husband remarrying a woman who became the stepmom to your kids and how that made you feel. So many smom blogs bash the ex-wife. Let’s get your side of the story. Talk about the fear of being replaced.

My husband met and starting dating his current wife shortly after our divorce. With all of the emotions that are already involved in a divorce, this seemed to add to it. The questions that I usually asked myself were, “How will she treat my kids?” “Will she love them like I do?” and “Will the kids like her better then me?” I think that most of my concerns were legitimate… when someone new is introduced to your kids and will play a big part in raising them. What I figured out was that “replacement” was an insecurity that I had and needed to deal with, and this had nothing to do with her. She has been great with the kids and has shown unconditional love and support for them.

2) What advice do you have for bio mom and stepmom to get along?

My advice for how to get along with your kids’ step mom is understand and know that it is just as much of an adjustment for her as it is for you. Be respectful of each other and know that the relationship that you have with her is not the one that you have with your ex. She is the person that is taking care of your kids when you are not there. Shouldn’t you want to get along and know her? Parenting is not easy- having someone else that you can bounce ideas off of is very helpful.

3) Explain how you became a stepmom- how old were the kids- what is that relationship like now?

I became a step mom almost 3 years ago. The girls were 15 and 13 at the time. During the course of dating my husband and then marrying him I was very aware of his daughters and the time they spent together. I tried to make sure that I did not force myself on them, but rather was available if needed. I was very respectful of the time that he had with the girls. There were times that I made sure that it was just them so they could get that “daddy” time and attention. Sometimes it was hard, but I can not imagine how much harder it had to have been for them. Most importantly, I took cues from my husband about discipline and expectations of the girls. We now have a great relationship and even though the oldest daughter is living on her own we still have dinners and see her.

4) I understand you don’t like all the negative stepmom and bio mom stereotypes out there. What’s one that makes you crazy?

I think the worst stereotype out there is that bio mom and step mom can’t get along. This is not true. I have a great relationship with step mom and her and I get many crazy looks. It was not always great but I am certainly glad that we have worked together to make it this way. She is a great person and a wonderful step mom to my kids. I could not have been luckier.

5) Why do you blog?

I am new to blogging but have found that it is a great way for me to express my feelings and to update family and friends with life’s crazy episodes!

Visit Lori here.