I am a newish stepmom and have birthed no babes of my own, so for me, parenting is like changing careers: you study to become a chef and you end up teaching history to fourth graders (I’ve done neither. I’m no culinary pioneer, nor do I remember important dates). But, you get the idea: Plugging into a ready-made family can be a big adjustment with a sizable learning curve. It’s why I started Stepmother’s Milk- so we can educate each other, and to trick our stepkids into thinking we know what we’re doing.
As the holiday approached, I wrote about the common struggle that divorced couples share: who gets the kid(s) Christmas morning? I focused on the situation I was faced with early on when The Husband and his ex preferred to celebrate the holiday together rather than split the kids up. I wrote a post of contention from the stepmom point of view:
“ I didn’t want to spend every Christmas morning with the ex-wife; that wasn’t my tradition. So, I had to question the way things were done. At the time I thought, there may be only one of me …but don’t I get a say? “
I received some excellent comments that validated how complicated fitting into an existing family can be. It turns out; I’m not the only woman out there attempting to juggle the needs of herself, her husband, his kids and ex-wife. So, to all of you who took the time to share your stories (and help me feel less selfish and neurotic) – I raise my nog to you. We made it through. Like my stepdad always teased me and my stepsisters after we finished tearing open gifts, “Well girls, that’s another Christmas under our belts. Time to clean it up.”
That’s another Christmas under our belts.
But, before we take down the tree and move on to the next year, I want to say a word or two to my stepkids: The Tall One and The Young One, who spent the holiday alone with us (sans their mother) in Texas this year…
Thanks for being sweet guys and good sports. I know it can’t be easy to have your parents living a plane ride apart (especially on Christmas morning), but you handled yourselves with good humor and without complaint. From someone who has been a stepkid for nearly three decades, I can tell you that divorce does complicate things and sometimes it will really get on your nerves, but overall, gaining new grand-parents, aunties, uncles and cousins is pretty cool. You saw how many gifts were under the tree this year. You know what I’m talking about. Plus, you get to create new traditions, like going to the Trail of Lights on Christmas Eve’s Eve and hold onto the ones you really love, like sleeping in Christmas morning (what kid does this?) And then, you get to do it all over again in a few days when we fly you to your mom’s to celebrate the New Year.
An extended family is a pretty good deal depending on how you look at it. Consider this: if we tried to get everyone in your immediate and step family around a tree, it would be nearly impossible. Tree farms don’t grow Douglas fir’s that tall and while Home Depot might sell one this big, you know I’ve snobbishly boycotted trees that come in a box… unless we can find one that is cotton candy pink and covered in glitter.
Maybe next year.
Image courtesy of Austin City Connection
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I’m sitting here thinking the same thing – it is over again. After six years together, three married years, we have never had the kids on Christmas morning. The biomom family has a big thing on Christmas Eve a few hour drive away… the kids always get to go. We never get to have them. So we make “deals” with Santa (and other family member) and do Christmas early (i.e. the 23rd) or we, as this year, late (the 26th).
The wonderful children taken it all in stride (10 & 11), except for being sick and tired from all the craziness. I, for one, am exhausted. I work so hard to make sure to never step on the mom’s toes (she refuses to even talk to me), and just to make things comfortable for the kids. They deserve nothing less. Christmas is not about a day, but it is about family and love. Hopefully, that is the lesson they learn here. And I will keep my own selfish and emotional responses responses quiet again… I’ll be the responsible one, but I think I deserve that nog!
This entry of yours really touched me. Thanks for bringing those good tears to my eyes. Those boys sure are lucky and it sounds like you are too! Happy New Year to you and yours.
Hi IzzyRose! I haven’t talked to you in a while.
I wanted to add a little footnote to my life as a stepmother. As you know, I have two boys and 3 stepchildren and now the grandbabies are pouring in. I love it! However, with that come new traditions started by the children. This means my having to spend Thanksgiving, “Santa Sunday” and Christmas Day every year with their mother, as well as birthdays, etc., throughout the year.
That, in turn, also means I hardly ever get to hold my darling grandchildren during those holidays. And, do you know how hard it is to get pictures of these cute little faces without snapping the ex’s face too? Oh well. I’m actually getting use to her and sometimes even forget that she’s there. We even sat at the same small table for Christmas dinner this year while most of the family sat at tables in the adjoining room. Not sure how that happened.
I was in my comfort zone this year too because my ex’s wife wasn’t the only ex at Christmas this year. My daughter-in-law (the hostess) had two sets of parents there as well. We’re just one big happy family! Who says it can’t be done. We do it for the kids and they are the best “steps” I could ever ask for.
Did I mention that we have a “Kids Christmas” the weekend before Christmas? My husband and I get all 5 of our children and their children for the weekend for our very own Christmas . . . without any ex’s! There are 20 of us now and what a great time we all have.
A beautiful entry, Izzy Rose.
I had my first xmas eve with Mr.Brady’s family and…well…let’s just say I learned a lot. We had a blast though – and overall, it was far less stressful than I thought it would be.
…and…I went to http://www.anthropologie.com
You were right…so pretty!
Good post. Let’s just say that even though we are a-getting along-working together blended family, our house, moms house etc…it still drags holidays out much longer and much more than at times they need to be. Imagine four sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents….UFF DA! My house is a walk in toy store as of now. THe same thing happens with Birthdays…a week long celebration. I think it’s good that the kids see us all work together and make holidays/birthdays special even though we for the most part can do our celebrations on our own (The kids mom does Christmas Eve, we do Christmas etc) but at the same time there’s something about it turning into more than just a holiday that’s tough and just plain exhausting!
Really good post, honest, that’s what I like and I’m sure you and your family had a good Christmas. So with no stepsons around for the New Year what’s your plan?!?
I have no idea what we’ll do. It will be our first day alone this entire holiday season. I think I’d like to share a bottle of wine with The Husband and talk about our selfish dreams for 2008 and leave kid worries out of the conversation until at least January 2nd.
Wish me luck.
IR
This post exemplifies the many reasons why I lurve you, lady.
Happy New Year to you and yours; and may you enjoy that wine and grown-up conversation. I shall raise my glass to you!