I’ve been brooding over a comment that was posted in the SMM forum all week. Every time I think I’m ready to respond, my blood pressure starts climbing up (or I imagine it does, anyway). The post is titled Too Much Togetherness and it touches on a very touchy subject: what are the expectations of the stepmom during the holidays?
The following is an excerpt from a stepmom who is struggling with how to play nice during the holidays with her husband’s ex, who wants to spend Christmas night (as in slumber party) at her house. Here’s an excerpt:
“… For several years after the split, neither parent had a significant other, so they spent all of their holidays together. Their Christmas tradition included mom sleeping over, and that [tradition] continued even after dad and I started dating… Both mom and dad are resistant to having separate holidays because neither wants to be without their daughter.”
This scenario sounds very familiar.
The Husband (before he was the husband) had a similar arrangement going with his ex. She was re-coupled (and even had a new baby), but he was single. In the interest of keeping the family intact during holidays, the collective circus (there were 6 of them) all celebrated together.
What are the expectations of the stepmom during the holidays?
The first Christmas Eve we were dating, he spent the night on his ex-wife’s couch, woke up the next morning, put the coffee on and greeted everyone when they came downstairs in their pj’s to start opening presents. When I asked about this very cozy party, he explained, “It’s just how we’ve always done it.”
Who was I (the new girlfriend) to question it, although I wondered A) how does the ex’s new man feel about spending all his holidays with the ex-husband? And B) how are the boys processing this? Two men under the tree and just one of Mom. Is this what divorce looks like?
But, I went along with it until the next year and then I piped up. I had to. I wanted to know what the expectations were. Honestly, I didn’t want to spend every Christmas morning with the ex-wife; that wasn’t my tradition. So, I had to question the way things were done. At the time I thought, there may be only one of me and six of them, but if I’m going to join the family, don’t I get a say?
I understood the common argument that says, you don’t split the kids up between mom and dad on a holiday. I’m a stepkid, so I know how it goes. It’s a hassle. The upside is that two houses on Christmas morning mean more presents. Actually, it’s a pretty good deal for a kid.
Since the year I turned nine and my parents divorced, I’ve spent every Christmas separately with my mom and dad. And, you know, it’s been just fine. I adapted to the seperation. New traditions were made and I have fantastic memories, and no regret. Never have I lamented…if only we were all together like old times.
Sometimes I wonder when parents say they don’t want to juggle their kids between houses on a holiday… is it really about the needs of the kids or is it about the parents, and their guilt for dissolving a marriage and seemingly breaking up a family? That split becomes unavoidably clear when your kid has two stockings: one for Mom’s house and the other for Dad’s.
Either way, I guess any arrangement is dandy as long as it works. In my case, it seemed to be humming along nicely enough until I came along. All of a sudden, Daddy had a girlfriend and we weren’t both going to fit on his ex-wife’s couch. By year two, I wanted us to have our own tree and our own coffee to make. That’s fair, no?
Just because there’s only one of me, I still have a say, don’t I?
Truthfully, I felt a bit selfish requesting a change of venue, but why should I be expected to plug into the family power strip like some tag-a-long extension chord? It’s a lot to ask of a person. You meet the man of your dreams, but he has kids, an ex-wife and a lifetime of habits nobody wants to change. How do you fit in?
Here’s what I think. I, or any other stepmom, can’t fit in to an existing family unless everyone (kids and parents included) can let long-standing dynamics shift and be willing to welcome in a new member who has her own voice. I think that was my hardest struggle early on- thinking that I’m supposed to do all the compromising and just slide into a ready-made family without making a peep. Well, that’ll just drive you to drink. Believe me.
This Christmas will be our fourth and it will be our own. Festivities will be held in Texas and the short guest list will include The Husband, The Tall One, The Young One and I (their mother will have them the week after New Years). We’ll have a live tree, lots of contemporary carols and gooey pizza bagels (that comes from my side of the street). The men will serve their favorite Sarah Lee coffee cake, sleep in until eleven and nap in the afternoon. Some traditions shouldn’t be messed with, but they can evolve.
Photo courtesy of Davis Christmas Tree Farm
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I relate to this, because this is the year that I asked for the “change of venue.” My husband and his ex trade off Christmas Eve and Christmas Day annually; this year, Mom has the kids on the Eve, till 8:30 AM Christmas Day, and then Dad picks them up to bring them to our house till 8:30 AM on the 26th. Next year it will be the opposite. Neither of them wanted to give up Christmas morning with the kids entirely, I guess.
This is our third Christmas together, and in the past we’ve all gone to Grandma’s house on Christmas Day, no matter which parent “officially” had the kids that day, so the kids have effectively spent most of the day with both parents anyway. But since my husband and I are both working on the day after Christmas, I really didn’t want to make the 2-hour drive to Grandma’s, and back again, all on the same day – so Grandma’s coming to us. And Mom’s not. We’ll see how it goes.
I think you have a really good point about “when parents say they don’t want to juggle their kids between houses on a holiday… is it really about the needs of the kids or is it about the parents, and their guilt for dissolving a marriage and seemingly breaking up a family?” Even though my stepkids DO get juggled, I think you’re right about the needs of the parents being a bigger factor than anyone likes to admit.
I can relate to this also. When I first met hubby, he and his ex were doing the same thing. Whoever’s “turn” it was to have K would get him on Christmas Eve and then on the morning of Christmas, the other parent would go to whichever house he was at before he awoke to open presents together. And, I also went along with this during our first Christmas even going along with my then boyfriend to his ex’s house to watch the child open presents. Boy did I feel like the outcast! Her entire family was there and then there was her, my boyfriend, and their child and then there was me. What a day that was! The next year it was our turn to have him. She mentioned coming over Christmas morning to me, stating “that’s how we’ve always done it.” I said nothing but to my surprise she didn’t show! And that was the beginning of separate Christmases. And now this year we’re married and we’re doing our OWN thing. She has my stepchild this year for Christmas morning and we’ll get him in the afternoon. And nobody’s complaining!
Sounds like a lovely Christmas Izzy. I have to say that I haven’t celebrated Christmas for a number of years, with no family to speak of, and not being religious, I just canceled it. Last year I was in Australia, and spent most of the day on MSN to Mr W. The year before in the UK, I was on call for the police station (I used to volunteer to bail out kids who’s parents couldn’t be bothered to go to the police station when their kids were in trouble, or even worse, for parents who couldn’t bail their kids out because they were involved in the crime – think child abuse).
The year before I decorated my bathroom, paint brush in one hand and glass of wine in the other. and so on….
Anyway back to the point. Christmas isn’t a big deal for me, it’s a day. OK I know that people like to spend it with their families, but isn’t it the same for Thanksgiving? do the same acts of weirdness (sleeping on the ex-s couch is WIERD) happen with step families and ex’s at Thanksgiving?
So my question is, WHY is Christmas day such a big deal? why not say, we’ll have little Johnny and Jane on another day and exchange pressies then?
(I do see the need for sharing, alternate years is a good thing etc)
Someone please explain to a heathen.
(PS, now I have a family, Mr W and I will be doing Christmas, the kids are free to turn up if and when they can. (one of the boys is sadly under the sea in a submarine for xmas and new year) They know that there is no pressure to come over to us from us, We’ll be pleased to see them whenever. they will be under pressure NOT to come over to us from their mother, so we’re making life easy for them. In the mean time, the tree looks pretty and the garland twinkles and I’ve found that I like Christmas again.)
I think you are right — when grownups do the holidays together, I think it IS more about the grownups than the kids. Our extended stepfamily system does it this way (but with no sleepovers!) and I think it is mostly ultimately because both the kids’ parents want to be able to see them on all of the holidays. It’s something I found I could live with, and have come to enjoy over time. (Although it is also still stressful — it’s funny because I do feel both stress ad enjoyment — there are lots of people who push each other’s buttons all in one space all of a sudden, but somehow, it’s kind of good, too — to the point where I’d miss it now if we didn’t do it.)
But yeah, I really think the kids take their cues from their parents. If the parents are fine — or even happier — with separate holidays, there are lots of upsides in it for the kids.
Both ways are good, depending on what works for the grownups. And stepparents’ feelings are just as important in the equation.
Very interesting…. This was never a situation for us. Mom lived in a completely different state then husband, kids and I. She did call the first Christmas, the kids invited her (kicking me out BTW) the second Christmas, then she just vanished the 3rd Christmas. The 4th Christmas she was demanding, then was late to everything. The 5th, again vanished, and you can read my rant about our 6th at the blog… I think as long as there was a consistency in her life with the kids, she would make a wonderful Christmas tradition to add….
[...] Stepmother’s Milk: Stepmom on Ice – Izzy Rose’s thoughtful post on joint holidays and asking for changes. “Here’s what I think. I, or any other stepmom, can’t fit in to an existing family unless everyone (kids and parents included) can let long-standing dynamics shift and be willing to welcome in a new member who has her own voice.” (more) [...]
Great post Izzy.
I honestly think that the way Stepmoms get dumped on is ridiculous. This isn’t just a Christmas issue, this is a year long issue. Biomoms would say that you chose to become a part of the family, so you have limited rights and need to fit into the existing structure. If that were truly how it should work, no woman in her right mind would sign up for that gig.
We have a right to privacy and family time with the stepkids that doesn’t include their mother. It isn’t any different than sending the kids to a sleepover or sending them to school. Spending every waking second with them isn’t ever going to make up for the fact that their parents are divorced.
Personally, I think all of the “Pretend Family” stuff is harmful to the kids. What does it teach kids about marriage? “Mom and Dad get along great—-Dad even spends the night on Christmas—but they just don’t want to be married anymore.” Can you think of anything more confusing to a child?
I had a feeling this post would generate some interesting comments, and I was absolutely right. You all have contributed some very thoughtful ideas. I’m especially thankful to Mrs H who said what I hinted at, but didn’t have the nerve to put down in words…
Personally, I think all of the “Pretend Family” stuff is harmful to the kids. What does it teach kids about marriage? “Mom and Dad get along great—-Dad even spends the night on Christmas—but they just don’t want to be married anymore.” Can you think of anything more confusing to a child?
I think being honest about divorce is tough, but necessary for our kids. They will be in relationships one day and they look to us for cues on how to do it right…or at least try to do it right.
What I’m realizing from all of you is that it doesn’t look the same from one family to the next…even more reason to continue the discussion with each other since there’s clearly no manual on how to be a stepmom.
Thanks for being so forthcoming. I look forward to hearing from more of you on how you do it…what works, what doesn’t and how to stay sane and keep your sense of humor through it all.
Hugs.
we are in a strange situation, in my house. my hubbys ex…she converted to judaism, so she could marry my hubby. when they divorced, she divorced from judaism, as well. so, we don’t share holidays. her kids, they live with me…and, i’m jewish so, we have them for ALL the jewish holidays, thanskgiving, 4th of july…all the holidays. she takes them, to be with her family, for christmas and easter. that’s all she asks for. that’s all she gets!
so, i…we…are very lucky.
but, i feel for all of you!
and, i agree…some traditions need to be evolved…they need to fit everyones needs!
We have never had Christmas all together – mostly because my husband’s ex-wife (and mother to my stepchildren) is certifiable. But I completely agree with Mrs. H. If we did have Christmas together, it would be more about assuaging guilt feelings that it would be about the kids. My ex-husband and I get along really well, but we have separate celebrations for all things except my son’s birthday. When it comes to his birthday, we can all get together and be civil, so it works for him. For my stepkids? No way.
But regardless of the civility factor, my husband and I are the family unit. Our family unit does not include my ex or his, and we will celebrate Christmas at our home, our way. Sometimes that stinks. This year? All of the kids will be with their other parent. We’ll miss out on Christmas morning with them. But we’ll make our own celebration, just the two of us. And next year? We’ll spend Christmas morning with them, watching their eyes bright with excitement, all of us comfortable with each other. We won’t be watching them, watching us to see how things are going…
We may be second wives, but we don’t deserve any less of our own family space just because it’s the second time around.
Hi Izzy! I am a future new stepmom, and I found your site through numerous searches. I’m so glad I did. I couldn’t have found you sooner!
I hope you don’t mind, but I referenced your blog in a (public) journal entry of mine. I read this entry and it resonated with me so much that I linked it to help get my point across. Here is my entry:
http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C100797&entry=20317&mode=
If this is a problem, please let me know.
Thank you again for your words. They are comforting.
Ginger Snap,
Glad you found me and you are absolutely welcome to reference this blog. The more stepmoms to add to the party, the better. Your Christmas in Germany sounds great!
IR
I don’t know right answer, but also struggle with it each and every holiday, as recently as today, not to mention all year long.. When I met my husband, who I love dearly, there was an average of 10 trips back and forth to mom’s house (his ex), then dad’s house, then back to mom’s house, then back to dad’s house, between Christmas eve and the very end of the day Christmas day. The state visitation was never followed between. It was all about which house had the celebration at any given time. It was so stressful tossing this kid back and forth, that it was not fun. Especially not for me. WE EVEN HAD TO DO THE DRIVING! I was the “newcomer” and my family plans went completely “out the window”. I did not have a “Christmas” on Christmas day for several years because of all of this. Not to mention the fact that everyone FORGOT THE REASON FOR THE SEASON and started worrying more about WHO GOT THE KID!
For a while, we followed visitation just to try and straighten things out. It seemed to help quite a bit but sometimes caused problems.
And now – this child – who is a fabulous child – is driving. And even though she is driving, and both parent’s “claim” that they are allowing her to make her “own choices” they let her make them all year long – until the holidays. Then – we go back to “who’s Christmas is it to have her!”
I keep asking myself – what will they do when she is married for Goodness Sakes.
In the meantime, I’m barely keeping my sanity. I can relate to your “pain”.
P.S. I’m divorced too. My daughter sees her dad, and me. WHENEVER SHE WANTS TO! Holidays – or no holidays!
[...] and his ex preferred to celebrate the holiday together rather than split the kids up. I wrote a post of contention from the stepmom point of [...]
Wow- I cannot even imagine BEING in my husband’ ex-wife’s house, never mind sharing Christmas with her and her husband in their chaotic Brady Bunch atmosphere! Luckily my husband would rather suspend from a 500 ft cliff fon a rope by his fingernails than be in the same room with his ex, so us sleeping on her couch is something I can surely say never to. However, the fact that he hates her so much, makes it difficult too because she in turn tries to make things more difficult for us. If we want them for a day, she tries to find a way to not let it happen. If she wants us to take them and we can’t, its “oh, of course not because your children are not a priority to you.” I have spent 3 Christmas’ with this man, whom I am no married to. I moved to another province, far from all my friends and family to be with him and all of his family lives within 5 minutes of each other. The first year, I had Christmas here with him and his kids. I missed my family. The next year, we had to have a hectic early Christmas with my family, because we had to get back on Boxing Day to get his kids. It is a 5 hour drive one way. This year, we had to do the opposite. We STILL had to to the hectic 5 hour drive because his kids had to get home to their mom on Boxing Day. I have always felt ripped off, but suck it up because I am an adult and they are kids. However, this year I had an epiphany- this is not about the kids, its about the parents not wanting to sacrifice. So why do I and my family have to completely change our tradition, the only time of the year where we are ALL together in one place, because my husband and his ex-wife don’t want to miss Christmas with their kids? However, I have NO problem alternating- every second year someone has to sacrifice. And as we are currently trying to concieve, when the little one does arrive I will have to demand that more compromise can be made so my child can spend at least SOME Christmas’ with my family. Thanks for these perspectives that have fuled my fire for fairness in our family!
hi, i just discovered your site, and there are some very striking similarities in our situations- and it’s so nice to hear so many different stories! i’m the step-mother
of two teenagers (19 and 16), we’ve been married about six months, and i’ve just
been hitting a wall lately where i realize some things i need to speak up about.
it really doesn’t help to keep it all inside. i was curious about the christmas stories,
because that’s been a bone of contention with us- the bio-mom attends a christmas
eve cocktail party hosted by my husbands sister, with all his close-knit family and a
few friends, and she was even at dinner there christmas day the year before last when we announced we were getting married. in addition to bringing the kids over to our house earlier on christmas to open gifts. we are finally trying to openly discuss how to put a lid on this “tradition” (when, in truth, there were many years when she
didn’t attend) my husband totally agrees with me, but it’s been hard to talk about it
without the bio-mom getting very upset, and without me feeling a bit upset that
his family hadn’t realized this would be irritating sooner. i haven’t seen any other posts about that particular problem- the ex and the husband’s family, if anyone has stories, fire away!
thanks.
My stepdaughters mother comes over to my husbands parents house every Christmas Eve, but I felt very uncomfortable about this. I too am only married 6 months, so thankfully I’ve only had to go through this once. It was very uncomfortable and my stepdaughter, who is usually very affectionate with me, would not even look at me. Things have gotten very bad between the mother and my husband (whom were never married) so I don’t think she’s even welcome next year-by anyone in our family.
I don’t think some past traditions are appropriate any longer when there is a remarriage, unless there is open goodwill towards eachother (and lets be honest, that is too rare). Otherwise, everyone’s holiday ends up ruined. As long as the children are as happy as they can be all things considered, old traditions that will no longer work in a new dynamic should be changed for everyone’s sake.
thanks for the response! i agree that some traditions should change with marriage (same thing, they were never married) and i guess i just assumed that the obvious would sink in for everyone once we were married, but it didn’t. which put me in a bad spot for having to speak up about it. it’s not a terrible situation, everyone gets along alright (even she and i, as far as small talk), and at first i had been impressed that everyone seemed to be able to be cordial with break-ups in the family. (my parents have been together 45 years, so it was all new to me).
but i realized more and more that it was actually a terrible situation FOR ME. and that all i really want is to feel like my husband and i have our own boundaries that make up OUR family, meaning my family of origin, his (awesome) kids, his family of origin, and that’s it. there’s no reason for her to be in on any of it- they broke up almost 15 years ago, and although my sisters and brothers-in-law are great, and i can understand her not wanting to give them up,
she chose not to marry into his family 20 years ago. so it’s not as though she’s some “additional sister” in my new family, which seems to be the way she wanted it to come off. (all the while not really having any interest in me, not a very warm person in general).
so it’s been a little rough patch- she seemed to get it when my husband talked to her about us needing some space when it comes to his family, then the next day she accused him of poisoning his family against her, she told the kids about it, and threatened him with “how much he had to lose”… this is literally the first time he’s crossed her, and she goes for that old whammy, like she’s been holding it in her back pocket for years, just waiting. my husband spoke with the kids and explained, and they (in their infinite maturity) understood where we were coming from, so that’s all fine.
but i still can’t escape a bit of an ooky feeling that
a) they were all (dysfunctionally) “fine” before i came along
b) even though my MIL and SILs and Bs have been over the top about how excited they are to have me in the family, i feel a little wary that they didn’t realize what a drag this would all be for me sooner, especially after hearing from most that they’d actually always felt uncomfortable around her. it’s like, “why were we all pretending then?!” she even *gulp* stayed with them in a house at our wedding. (i read izzy’s post about invites to the wedding, and it was so painful- i wish i had read it before our wedding). my husband put her on his initial save the date email, and then i was like “WHAT?”, then i thought it would be ok because she was bringing her boyfriend, then he couldn’t come and she somehow shacked up with his family and kids. this sounds truly messed up, doesn’t it? without the two of us actually being friends? but i was so caught up with everything else at the time that i hardly noticed. oh, she also managed to be the last person in, and slam the door behind me and my parents as we were about to head down the aisle.
her little head is popping out between us in one of the photos. everyone ELSE was on time…
but anyway.
it was my husband who worked so hard to make sure she felt supported by his family when the kids were younger, which was great then, but i’ve been angry with him, too, for not sorting out a new way of being before i even came along, with the kids nearly grown.
so we’ve basically just been kind of laying low and focusing on the two of us melding OUR lives together, and not worrying about anyone else (except his kids, of course), and it’s been working.
just writing about it now gets me all riled up again, but it is all stuff that i have to work through, and try to stay confident that we’ve been doing the right things. it really helps me to hear other people’s rants, so i hope this will help someone else! i’m just so thankful that the kids aren’t younger, in which case we’d have to deal with her more. you ladies in that situation, i tip my hat to you!
I have a similiar problem. My stepdaughter is having her tonsils out. I have been raising this girl for 5 years now. Apparently it has to be a biological partent who signs her papers the morning of surgery and my husband is working. The mother is going to be sleeping at my house for a week! I know she wants to see her mom. (The mother lives in another state.) I just can’t get over the feeling that this is wrong. It’s not that I am worried about my husband and her, but I know my stepdaughter will not be as kind and affectionate around me as she is now and I don’t like the idea of another woman in my home who was with my husband for 10 year. Am I wrong?
that sounds totally awful! i’m so sorry. i would do anything i could
to avoid that situation- if there’s anyone else in town she could stay with, with the daughter or without, or even a hotel room. i think there’s really a time to set boundaries on space, and you’re entitled to your own space.
update- my husband and i and his family have no contact with the
bio mom anymore… the kids are totally fine with it, they get along great with her and with us, and i think after all the stress, it’s finally resolved and is better for everyone. (but they are 19 and 17, so it’s a very different situation).
I am SO thankful to have found this website and thank you Izzy for relaying your experience and everyone else for relaying theirs as well. I know it was two years ago for Izzy, but I’m dealing with this issue right now as Christmas is coming.
Last Christmas, my husband and I were not married yet and he wanted me to meet his daughter and his family (parents, brothers and sisters). At his parent’s house (different state than us and BM), we all met and it was a good Christmas, though kindof stressful for me. His daughter is wonderful and then 6 years old. My husband and I were married three months later and my stepdaughter was the flowergirl in our wedding.
My husband and BM were never married and broke up before BM realized she was pregnant so they have never been “together” during my step-daughter’s life. My husband only gets to see my stepdaughter 4 times a year but talks to her everyday on the phone and I know its hard from him to be so far away. It’s clear he feels guilty about that. When visiting he has always stayed at his ex’s house, sleeping on a spare bed.
A few days ago, the subject of this Christmas came up and that we need to “figure out what we’re going to do.” This is when he told me that he is expected there on Christmas Day. This was news to me as it is BM’s year with SD. I assumed we would pick her up the day after or so and have her until after New Years. My husband seemed stunned and told me that every year he has been with her on Christmas Day, staying at his ex’s every time and his daughter “won’t understand” if he’s not there on Christmas.
I told him that I wasn’t aware of his plan and would appreciate being in on such important decisions as this and didn’t like that it seemed everyone knew what was going down but me. I also asked…and where am I in all this? He thought I would come along.
This puts me in really weird, awkward and difficult place. I will not stay at his ex’s house. We went to visit my stepdaughter earlier this year, picking her up and had her for about a week, I flew back home (due to work) and my husband stayed a week longer…yes staying at his ex’s house. There was one night before my flight when were were in proximity to the BM’s, but stayed at a hotel and it was if it was so strange that we would be staying at a hotel and not at the BM’s. My husband and BM acted oddly about what to tell my SD and the tension was I could tell, stressful and confusing to her. It was conveyed that I was the one causing this potential “horror” for my SD. As it turned out my SD had a great time and liked staying in a hotel. It was fun.
So here we are with the holiday coming up, the plan, or so I thought, was to pick up my SD after Christmas and take her to my mother’s for a second holiday and now I’m left feeling again like I’m being a monsterous unfeeling outsider. I too was a stepchild but I understood the holiday routines changing when my parents were divorced. I don’t feel they are giving this very smart sweet little girl enough credit. I’m very happy that my husband and BM get along so well and she’s nice to me too, but getting along and sleeping over are two very different things for me. I think its important to have boundaries and expectations and this makes things clear and predictable for kids.
To add another complication, she’s just had a second child, a boy, who is a real cutie, but unfortunately who’s dad disappeared when he found out BM was pregnant. What happens when this little guy gets used to my husband every year too? What happens when my husband and I have kids? My husband was adopted and feels badly for this new addition. He is struggling with what role to play, and I’m worried that BM might be pushing for a fatherly role.
I am trying to build a family and a life with my husband and want to build a solid relationship with my stepdaughter. It makes sense to me that we started a new tradition last year, but will be forging ahead here and seeing what we come up with.
My first married Christmas. Yay.