I’ve been brooding over a comment that was posted in the SMM forum all week. Every time I think I’m ready to respond, my blood pressure starts climbing up (or I imagine it does, anyway). The post is titled Too Much Togetherness and it touches on a very touchy subject: what are the expectations of the stepmom during the holidays?
The following is an excerpt from a stepmom who is struggling with how to play nice during the holidays with her husband’s ex, who wants to spend Christmas night (as in slumber party) at her house. Here’s an excerpt:
“… For several years after the split, neither parent had a significant other, so they spent all of their holidays together. Their Christmas tradition included mom sleeping over, and that [tradition] continued even after dad and I started dating… Both mom and dad are resistant to having separate holidays because neither wants to be without their daughter.”
This scenario sounds very familiar.
The Husband (before he was the husband) had a similar arrangement going with his ex. She was re-coupled (and even had a new baby), but he was single. In the interest of keeping the family intact during holidays, the collective circus (there were 6 of them) all celebrated together.
What are the expectations of the stepmom during the holidays?
The first Christmas Eve we were dating, he spent the night on his ex-wife’s couch, woke up the next morning, put the coffee on and greeted everyone when they came downstairs in their pj’s to start opening presents. When I asked about this very cozy party, he explained, “It’s just how we’ve always done it.”
Who was I (the new girlfriend) to question it, although I wondered A) how does the ex’s new man feel about spending all his holidays with the ex-husband? And B) how are the boys processing this? Two men under the tree and just one of Mom. Is this what divorce looks like?
But, I went along with it until the next year and then I piped up. I had to. I wanted to know what the expectations were. Honestly, I didn’t want to spend every Christmas morning with the ex-wife; that wasn’t my tradition. So, I had to question the way things were done. At the time I thought, there may be only one of me and six of them, but if I’m going to join the family, don’t I get a say?
I understood the common argument that says, you don’t split the kids up between mom and dad on a holiday. I’m a stepkid, so I know how it goes. It’s a hassle. The upside is that two houses on Christmas morning mean more presents. Actually, it’s a pretty good deal for a kid.
Since the year I turned nine and my parents divorced, I’ve spent every Christmas separately with my mom and dad. And, you know, it’s been just fine. I adapted to the seperation. New traditions were made and I have fantastic memories, and no regret. Never have I lamented…if only we were all together like old times.
Sometimes I wonder when parents say they don’t want to juggle their kids between houses on a holiday… is it really about the needs of the kids or is it about the parents, and their guilt for dissolving a marriage and seemingly breaking up a family? That split becomes unavoidably clear when your kid has two stockings: one for Mom’s house and the other for Dad’s.
Either way, I guess any arrangement is dandy as long as it works. In my case, it seemed to be humming along nicely enough until I came along. All of a sudden, Daddy had a girlfriend and we weren’t both going to fit on his ex-wife’s couch. By year two, I wanted us to have our own tree and our own coffee to make. That’s fair, no?
Just because there’s only one of me, I still have a say, don’t I?
Truthfully, I felt a bit selfish requesting a change of venue, but why should I be expected to plug into the family power strip like some tag-a-long extension chord? It’s a lot to ask of a person. You meet the man of your dreams, but he has kids, an ex-wife and a lifetime of habits nobody wants to change. How do you fit in?
Here’s what I think. I, or any other stepmom, can’t fit in to an existing family unless everyone (kids and parents included) can let long-standing dynamics shift and be willing to welcome in a new member who has her own voice. I think that was my hardest struggle early on- thinking that I’m supposed to do all the compromising and just slide into a ready-made family without making a peep. Well, that’ll just drive you to drink. Believe me.
This Christmas will be our fourth and it will be our own. Festivities will be held in Texas and the short guest list will include The Husband, The Tall One, The Young One and I (their mother will have them the week after New Years). We’ll have a live tree, lots of contemporary carols and gooey pizza bagels (that comes from my side of the street). The men will serve their favorite Sarah Lee coffee cake, sleep in until eleven and nap in the afternoon. Some traditions shouldn’t be messed with, but they can evolve.
Photo courtesy of Davis Christmas Tree Farm
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To all of you sassy stepmoms, saucy bio-moms, single ladies, sisters, friends and family…I will drink a glass of bubbly to you tonight. I am most grateful to have so many wonderful influences in my life. 
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