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Archive for November, 2007

You gotta love your girls

Sunday, November 11th, 2007

I took my girls to get their first mammogram. I lifted them onto the x-ray table and let Ruth, the boob technician, put my girls in a vise and squish away. Sure, it was a bit uncomfortable, but it wasn’t awful. Maybe my girls were having a particularly good day, but they did just fine. No fuss, no muss. I’ve tried on bras that are more constricting than this! I told Ruth I’d spread the word to all my girlfriends not to be afraid of the MG and to make an appointment toute suite.

I’ve tried on bras more constricting than this.

When I turned thirty, I tried to get a mammogram and my doctor said I wasn’t ready. “Wait five years,” she said. I was convinced that three decades on the planet qualified me for every life or death test in the book and I insisted on getting poked and probed. My philosophy is that if insurance will pay for it, why not take a look around? Well, my Doc wouldn’t inspect the girls, but I was allowed a sonogram (my liver is beautiful, apparently) a cholesterol and blood test (Hep C, HPV and HIV) and a colonoscopy. Yes, I elected to do this. Paranoid? Maybe. Healthy? Yes.

After my mammogram last week, I met some of my favorite ladies for wine and tastys. I’m the oldest one in this bunch (I believe I’m the first to have my pancakes pressed) and I told them in my best sage voice about my latest “rite of passage.” Usually, I shrink from confessing my age, but I sat up tall with my 34-B’s and ordered more Pinot. We made a toast to all the girls at the table.

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Chit Chat

Friday, November 9th, 2007

We’re talking again: The Tall One and I. Let me clarify. We were never not talking (as in the total silent treatment); We just weren’t conversing. I would lecture; he would listen. It was icky awkward (especially during family dinners), until I realized that The Tall One just isn’t one to yakety-yak (at least as the parental unit can see), so it’s not about me. It’s about him.

I feel better. I’m letting it go. At least until the next time we sit down to a meal.

I wrote the other day about my difficulty communicating with a kid who doesn’t like to chat. Talking AT someone feels like I’m giving a speech and that makes my stomach turn. I’ve said before that I’d rather be stoned with rocks in a public square than have to stand in front of a packed auditorium of strangers and blather on. I’ve also said I’d rather be flogged than have my blood taken. Both make me feel vulnerable and want to throw up.

The Tall One just isn’t one to yakety-yak

And then I read this, “I’ve had students stop speeches halfway through because they’re sobbing or vomiting.” I found this quote in a NY Times story about a college class called “Speech Anxiety” that helps students overcome their reticence getting up in front of a crowd. To be admitted, students have to demonstrate very shabby communication skills. If you know how to smile and work a room, you’re too socially evolved to get in. For students with limp and clammy handshakes, and a strong knack for mumbling, instruction focuses on the basics, like how to start a conversation. For example, “This sangria is great, don’t you think?” They’re tested on, not how well they perform at the podium, but how they interact at mock mixers. I wonder if this includes social grace in the snack line. Really. I’m not making this up. Read the story here.

This is genius! And I’m not the only one who thinks so. Apparently, at schools that offer this alternative, students are clamoring to get in.

If only there were a class like this for stepparents. Something like “Small Talk for Apprehensive Stepmoms.” I’d be enrolling tomorrow.

Image courtesy of Bob Fritz for The New York Times

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The in-laws are coming

Wednesday, November 7th, 2007

I can officially start to obsess. It’s November and this will be the first Thanksgiving and mainstream holiday that I host my Husband’s parents in my house. Now, don’t get me wrong. I invited my new in-laws and I’m glad they’re making the trip from Memphis. They aren’t the scariest part. I’m most worried about creating optimum conditions for holiday cheer. Even though I know it’s not my responsibility to keep everyone happy (but, everyone should be smiling all the time), my hostess anxiety has already set in. It’s the pressure to create the perfect Hallmark moment without drinking myself silly.

If you’re a woman, I know you can relate.

When I’m feeling brave and mature, I like to tackle my troubles head on and make an event out of confronting them. So, I decided the best way to ease my jitters was to buy myself my first Big Girl apron. Really, one must start with the basics. It seemed obvious to me that what I needed most was the proper garment for splashing gravy and smearing whipped potatoes on. I wanted something girly that says I’m fun and oh so adorable , but also identifies me as the authority in the kitchen. Maintaining proper control comes second to promoting good spirits.

It’s the pressure to create the perfect Hallmark moment without drinking myself silly.

Izzy, you sound terribly insecure. Perhaps, but I’m a new stepmom and first time daughter-in-law! I’ve got something to prove. My own mother tells me this is ridiculous. “You’ve watched too many of those stupid holiday movies where everything goes wrong.” But, then she concedes that if there weren’t any truth to these tired plot lines, the studios wouldn’t keep making them. Plus, she’s not going to be here! None of the guests at my table will be blood relatives who love me and my sweet potatoes unconditionally.

So, there. Let’s get back to my apron and dressing for a successful T-day. But, before I go any further, I want you to promise me that you will not do what I did. Promise me.

I went to Anthropologie. Don’t do this. If you are not familiar with this store, I advise you to investigate this delightful treasury with caution. I love this place and equally loathe it. It’s pricey and everything (yes, practically everything) I want. I’ve made a dreary habit of walking through its maze of exotic clothing cooing “pretty, pretty, pretty” under my breath, lightly touching every textured layer, button and underskirt I encounter. I almost always leave empty-handed, shuffling out the door into the cold like an orphan.

But, not this time. I knew they carried vintage aprons and I wasn’t leaving without one. I was focused on this one task when I went through the front doors, and then I fell apart. My vision had been so half-baked. Thanksgiving theatrics require much more than an apron. Suddenly, I was grabbing an autumn scented candle (currently burning on my coffee table), a gravy boat (I was incomplete without one), a turkey stovetop timer (or the bird will burn) and frosted wine goblets (with a reindeer scene).

I am not proud of my actions. Would I do it again? I can be parked and meet you in the holiday wares section in 15 minutes.

My skirt apron is crimson red with muted violet flowers, a white ruffle hem and paisley embroidery. It has a small pocket, I think for lozenges or pistachios. It’s sure to impress. It’s cute with a capitol C. In fact, the cashier told me that Austin’s fashion elite are buying the full aprons “in droves” and wearing them as dresses over jeans.

My holiday vision had been so half-baked.

Now that my holiday outfit is handled (except for accessories), I can move on to larger issues- like the menu. Thanksgiving may be the most basic meal in the book, but lest you forget I’m entertaining Southern folk. It wasn’t until very recently that I learned about the peach cobbler and Mac and cheese tradition. Yes, I’m embarrassed by my ignorance. I have no excuse for this.

There will be the obvious dishes, of course, but I hope to jazz up the feast and show off a bit. For example, I’d like to prepare my grandmothers pumpkin pie with graham cracker praline crust. And Nigella Lawson’s Chocolate Gingerbread, which isn’t customary, but is seriously the most rich and gooey slab of pleasure I’ve ever had (it calls for nearly a cup of black molasses). I could leave my husband for it. And never look back.

As for the rest, I’m on a search for the Thanksgiving recipes that will elevate my daughter-in-law status to dizzying heights (like the warm apricot-cranberry sauce I just spotted in Real Simple). It’s barely into the first week of November. I have the whole month to obsess. I’m sure you’ll be hearing about it.

Image courtesy of The Food Network

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Silent treatment

Monday, November 5th, 2007

The Tall One isn’t talking. As a general rule, the kid’s pretty quiet, a bit of an introvert. He chooses his syllables very carefully and is in no rush to draw conclusions. In contrast, his younger brother can’t use his words fast enough. He shoves sentences together and launches them out of his mouth at record speed. His ongoing dialogue is constant background noise, like Sunday afternoon football. And, unless you’re a die hard fan, several hours of sports announcing gets tedious and (if you’re like me), at some point, don’t you just want to turn it off? This is how I sometimes feel about The Young One and his enthusiasm for historical play-by-plays. He’ll be giving me a very detailed account of America’s Industrial age and after many many many minutes of very dramatic storytelling; I’ve been known to say, “Alright already. Get to the light bulb. Let’s wrap it up.”

But, right now, The Young One is visiting his mom and The Tall One is here with us and free to speak without interruption. We’ve given him the floor, the Grand stand, the soapbox. We’re his captive audience…and yet, he’s decided to stay quiet. And what did I expect? That once his brother was gone, the Tall One would become our own Poet Laureate? I guess I did.

If I don’t engage this kid in one-way lip flap, we might not talk at all.

I’m finding it a tad difficult to communicate with this kid who doesn’t like to chat. Here’s why: I’m uncomfortable with monologues (I hated speech class in high school and I’m not fond of public speaking now), and I’ve concluded that unless I engage this kid in one-way lip flap, we might not talk at all.

I’m suddenly wishing I had the gift of gab, (which is ironic because historically, I’ve found the gabbers extremely annoying, which I guess has more to do with my own short-comings than their blabby nature). The gabbers are those self-involved people who can carry on and on about an array of subjects without any participation from the person they’re addressing. They have no trouble at company parties or social mixers. I want to be one of them.

Or at least, I want to be that confidant woman who can initiate small talk without expecting anything in return. For example:

The grandparent unit called last night (they call every Sunday) and talked to The Tall One for probably a good 45 minutes. I’ve been present for enough of these calls to know how they go. The Tall One sits slumped over with the phone to his ear and mutters the following responses: yeah, I don’t think so, I’m not sure. Most of the time he says nothing. This drives me CRAZY because as an eavesdropper, I have no idea what their conversation is about. His short answers give me nothing! Moreover, I’m just absolutely dumbfounded by my in-laws ability to carry on for so long with such drab input. How did they learn how to do that? What on Earth are they talking about?

Unless I’m reading straight from a textbook, I run out of words real fast.

This is what I think: In this world, there are listeners and talkers and if you want to be an effective parent, you need to be a good mix of both. For over thirty years, I put myself in the listener category, but now I live in a house with a kid who won’t speak until spoken to (and he’s got the teenager attitude to boot), so I guess it’s up to the grown up to initiate the chit chat. This is where you say: Izzy, NO! Of course, you aren’t responsible for doing all the work. Because honestly, there are many days when I think, I don’t have the energy for this. I can play this game, too. I’ll pull the wicked stepmom card and I won’t talk either.

I might not have the gift of gab, but I do a mean silent treatment.

We’ve been catching up on the last season of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD. Right now, Cristina and Burke aren’t speaking to each other. They’ve been sharing a very quiet and uncomfortable apartment. They’ve turned their relationship into a competitive ego-driven battle, where the person who breaks the silence first loses control and the other wins. Everyone can see this is ridiculous… except for either one of them.

I agree. It is very silly, but sometimes talking is too damn hard.

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Stepmom in the Spotlight: Jacquelyn Fletcher

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

Introducing Ms. November!

Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is a stepdaughter, stepmother, stepsibling, and soon-to-be bio mom. She’s the author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom: Expert Advice From Other Stepmoms on How to Juggle Your Job, Your Marriage, and Your New Stepkids. Sign up for her monthly newsletter at becomingastepmom.com. She lives in Minneapolis.

1) You married in your early thirties and like many of us, you were not looking for an instant family and then suddenly you had one. Talk a bit about your stepkids’ initial reaction to you and you to them.

When I first met my stepkids, they were delightful. They were young: 3, 5, 8, and were really happy little kids. They welcomed me with open hearts and we had a lot of fun together. I was the hesitant, nervous one. To even contemplate someday becoming a part of their lives was such an identity shift for me that it took a long time to feel comfortable around them. I am continually amazed at how accepting they are of having me in their lives. Now that we’re embarking on the teen years I hope the foundation of trust we’ve built will sustain us.

2) You grew up in a stepfamily. How has that influenced your being a stepmom?

Since I was one of the hostile stepkids you read horror stories about, I assumed my stepkids would hate me. I figured they would resent my presence in their lives and would take out their anger on me since stepparents always make such easy targets for kids. When I saw they just wanted me to pay attention to them it was a humbling moment.

On the up side I have experiences that can guide our family through some of the rougher spots (how to react when a kid pits one house against the other, for instance). The down side is that I sometimes overreact to things that happen in our house because I assume it’s the same as what happened when I was a kid. For instance, my stepson was acting surly one evening and I assumed it was because he was feeling upset about the divorce and remarriages of his parents. I found out he had sunburned his shoulders and hadn’t slept the night before so he was cranky.

3) Talk about your unique approach to step-parenting as a career woman. Give an example of one exercise that helped you.

I really needed to feel a sense of confidence at home since I was so out of my element and so I looked to the part of my life where I felt the most empowered—my career. I wondered if there were skills I had learned on the job that I could take home to my family that would help us bond. Since interviewing people was one of the things I learned as a journalist, I interviewed my stepkids to get to know them better. While we talked, I also slipped in things about me so the burden of getting to know me didn’t fall on their shoulders but they still learned things about my life. It worked! They each felt important because I showed such an interest in their lives and I felt more and more comfortable with them.

After I talked to so many single gals turned stepmoms across the country, I found out we all had something in common and I knew we had expertise we’d learned on the job that we could use to make our home lives better. That’s when my book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom was born. Ultimately, it’s not just a book for women who consider themselves career girls. It’s a guide for any stepmom who wants to feel more empowered at home.

4) You’ve interviewed a lot of women. What is one of the most common challenges for stepmothers and what’s your advice for overcoming it?

What was most remarkable to me was how many times I heard the same stories over and over again. Though each of us and our family situation is so unique, there are universal challenges that most of face at one time or another in the course of stepfamily life. The ex is one that came up time and again. She can wreak havoc in the lives of a new stepmom and everyone in her household.

My advice for dealing with the ex is pretty simple.

1. Let Dad take center stage. It was his relationship. He should take the primary responsibility for dealing with his ex.
2. Put yourself in her shoes. When I am feeling mad about something the ex has said or done, I try to imagine what it must be like in her shoes. I am sure that if I had to send my own children off to be raised part-time by someone else I had no control in choosing, I would be a little high maintenance, too.
3. Realize she’s not in your marriage. You and your husband need to protect your relationship by maintaining a strong connection. If you’re dealing with a high-conflict ex, remind each other that the stress is not about your relationship to each other.
4. Laugh. Sometimes all you can do is laugh and it can make you feel fantastic. Even if yours is a dark comedy, laughter can help dissipate tension.

5) What is your relationship like with the Ex?

My relationship with my husband’s ex is polite. We keep conversations focused on what’s happening with the children. Though we have very different lifestyles, we are cognizant that everyone is trying to do the best for the kids. We’re not best friends. It’s uncomfortable sometimes. It’s challenging sometimes. But ultimately she’s happy that her ex found love. And she knows that I respect the fact that my stepkids are her kids and if I disagree with something, I have to take the back seat.

6) What do you tell other stepmoms about negotiating money in the blended household?

Couples need to learn how to partner on money issues just as they do on other aspects of running a household. Some couples use the one pot method where everything goes in and come out of the same account. The expenses are divvied up according to need. More and more I’m seeing couples who use the three pot method, which is when there is a household account from which all the house bills are paid and then each individual has an account that they use to pay their own expenses. Whoever has children pays for them out of his or her own account.

It’s also important to address the emotional aspect of money. For instance, a stepmom with no kids of her own may resent the amount of money going out to the other house, but it’s something she has to learn how to accept because her husband comes with obligations he committed to before they met. Stepmoms need to explore what they will contribute to the household funds. Some women wait until they’ve been in the family for a while before they start contributing directly to their stepchildren’s lives (buying them clothes or paying for lessons, for instance.) Others simply pay for the food, toiletries, lights, and heat to make sure the kids have a comfortable place to live with they’re with their dad. My advice about money is the same as it is about sex: have open, honest discussions about it that make you both feel safe.

7) How do you take care of yourself?

I realized early on that in order to be a good stepmom it was crucial that I take good care of myself. I have a whole structure of support that I’ve set up around myself to hold me up when I’m swamped by feeling trapped, jealous, hurt or hostile. Here are just a few things on my list of must-dos:

• Walk my dog
• Get massages
• Vent to my best friends
• Exercise
• Take a vacation every summer all by myself
• Spend time alone with my husband
• Read an amazing book

8) How do you take care of your marriage?

What a good question! And I think one of the most important. My marriage is my first priority. I take care of it by spending time focused on its health and well-being. First, we have fun together often. My husband and I love to do a lot of things in common so we make sure we spend time together having wonderful meals, sneaking off to movies in the middle of the day, walking for miles around our city, traveling to other parts of the country, snuggling up for half the day when we don’t have the kids. The second most important thing we do is communicate. We decided early on to approach our marriage as a partnership and so we have become really good at communicating, negotiating, and joking (yes, joking…it helps relieve tension!) while we figure out how we’re going to deal with tough issues.

Did any of Jacquelyn’s comments strike a chord? Start your own discussion in the SMM Forum or leave a comment here.