Nightmare on Stepmom Street
I had my first stepmom nightmare and I woke up sweaty and scared. In it, The Young One turned evil. Meaning, he decided to hate me. And I hated him back.
I get terror shivers writing about it. Like, if I spell out the horrible words, it might come true.
My dream followed this basic plot line: The Young One returned from seeing his mother (the one who birthed him) and set upon destroying my home. He scattered pieces of paper, erasers, pencils, gum and toy parts all over the house. He began construction of an elaborate 15-story crane in the middle of the living room and invited a herd of ratty kids over whom collectively, pissed on my authority. They said spiteful things like, “We can do whatever we want, Izzy. Get out of our way!” and The Young One gave me the look. The one that says, I may be short, but I’m taking you down.
That’s when I started to feel hateful. And a little bit threatened.
Okay kid. You may be the jerk of the century now, but when your dad gets home it’s all over. Except it wasn’t. The Husband buckled, lost his backbone and took The Young One’s side. He told me I was over-reacting! A heavy, metal crane would look just fine sitting next to my grandmother’s chair. Huh? The rejection. The abandonment!
I may be short, but I’m taking you down.
I thought, this is not good. This is very, very bad. If I become the bad guy/ugly stepmom, I’m doomed.
And then I woke up. Thank God.
I’ve heard stories of women who’ve battled so much with their stepchildren that their marriage eventually dissolved. I know women who have told their husbands, “You have to choose- ME or your kids” because living together as a blended family got too impossibly hard. I’ve read recently of stepmoms who feel alone and ganged up on. And afraid to speak up.
After I shook off my spooky dream, I felt so grateful that The Husband and I are a united front. Do we always agree? No. But, we discipline the kids together, and work out our strategy behind closed doors. I may not be the biological mom, but in our house, we parent as a unit. I can’t imagine how powerless and panicky I’d feel if my stepsons disliked me so much that they manipulated their dad in an effort to divide us. And were successful.
That would be a nightmare.
Tags:nightmare, stepmom, The Young One
I haven’t had that particular nightmare, but I DO have that particular fear, and it’s affected my relationship with my stepson at times (it’s particular to him - I’m not as worried about his older sister). Nothing has really happened to cause it - I’m just afraid it will, whenever things get a little tricky or I feel a bit left out. He hasn’t noticed it so much, but his dad has. I’m working on it…Anyway, glad this was just a bad dream for you.
(I found your blog a few weeks ago, but haven’t commented before, so - hello!)
Hi Florinda,
I didn’t realize it was a fear I had until I had the dream, and then I realized how scary it made me feel…
I am sure there will be times when we don’t like each other very much, and I can live with this. I guess it’s just the absolute rejection that got me sweating in my sleep:)
Thanks for visiting.
IR
Izzy,
I have the same fear that stepson will hate me for whatever reason. I try to assure myself that he won’t just start hating me one day after appearing to like me thus far but that works only half the time in my head! Your dream sounds really freaky though-like one of those where you wake up and wonder if it really happened or if it was a sign of the future—eek!
it is unfortunately a very big fear. I worry a lot about that, especially when they get to actually spend long amounts of time with their mother… I mean, just the pure venom Dokota used with me one day when his mother lied to him about something I never said, but he was told I did… After he calmed down and we were able to talk away from his mother.. he realized the truth, and he would have known the truth even without me, if he didn’t so blindly trust every word out of his mother’s mouth…
Yuck. I hate dreams like that because it has that “feeling” that sticks with you for the rest of the day. I know the kids love me now, but my fear is when C and I decide to have our own babies in a year or so, jealousy and hate will consume them. :( I love those kids so much I would never want that to happen….good thing it was just a dream right!
Thanks ladies…for shaking me awake. Glad to know I’m not the only paranoid one out there.
IR
Izzy, haven’t had this exact nightmare but know just how important it is to be a team with your spouse…any signs of weakness and even the best kids will turn on you! You’re doing just fine by me!
I am living this nightmare. My step-kids have and do manipulate their father routinely and it has caused serious harm to our marriage. They continue to do things all the time, and he, unfortunately, buys into it most of the time. I don’t know what will happen, but I want to let you know that you are light years ahead of where we started, since you do talk in private, work things out together, etc. Good for you and it will be good for your marriage long term if you can continue.
I’m also grateful to have a husband who sees me as his partner, not an outsider that happens to be living with him and his kids. We very much parent together and, although we have struggles sometimes over discipline, it works very well. The kids know that we are a unit and they pretty much gave up trying to divide us over their well-being. We have had more issues with the youngest. We started therapy in January of this year and I have to say that it has been the best thing that has ever happened to us. We still have occasional issues, but it is SO much better. I truly think everyone should be in therapy… especially those of us living the blended family “dream.”
I’m so glad to hear it’s working for you and your hubby.
Hummpphhh, it seems that subliminally, you’re scared of the future mothering of these 2 boys and what the future will hold - especially since the young one is entering a phase of “unknown” by becoming a teenager and the dreaded P word.
Being made into the “bad guy” is all of our nightmares, fighting the kids isn’t what we want, but hell, if they turn on us we need to assert ourselves as the Alpha female. It’s a fight that we don’t want, we’re even unsure of our ground. Why on earth would be want to put our husband through watching his wife fight his children?
We have no ammo against them, and if we fight we risk invoking the wrath of their father and therefore risk what’s precious to us.
No wonder we’re scared. But then, these kids are scared too. And they’re children.
I work with my hubbie to ensure that we show a united front, and that we stand together. It’s our decisions he talks about. and My step-monster is coming to realize that although shes part of the pack, by the nature of the fact she’s a child, she doesn’t get the alpha-female rank, no matter how hard she tries.
Stay the course. The seas are rough, but in six years you will dock at the land of milk and honey. Of course, you’ll look a little tattered from the stormy weather, but there is a rejuvenation spa on said land.
Good luck with Thanksgiving!
Such great advice here, as always. You ladies are a treat! Sleeping much better now.
IR
i, too, am a full time step-mom. i, also, have full time bio-kids. my step-son is the one that i am sure is going to end up killing me. i have nightmares…real nightmares…of him, standing over my bed, maniacal smile on his face, stabbing me. so…i know how you feel…i mean, i really, really do. but, interestingly enough, his bio mom had told me that she has fears that he is going to, eventually, kill her. it made me feel good to know that, for some reason…even the bio mom has the same fears!
Here’s a real-life nightmare…. Emails from the bio-mom and my former fiance, both sent in wee hours of morning after they had enormous fight with each other at their daughter’s event.
As I’m doing some work on learning from this now ended relationship, I’m interested in objective thoughts and reactions to these exchanges and my part in them.
Thanks,
Email from former fiance:
Jun. 12th, 2008 at 2:48 PM
> From: Ph
> Sent: Friday, June 01, 2007 1:47 AM
> To: Patty ,,,
> Subject: FW: Alaska Airlines/Horizon …
>
> In your typical way you addressed my questions about how you were going
> to split your vacation time by ignoring them. I expect you will go to
> Grand Canyon. That’s glass half full for me because I then do not have
> to baby-sit your moods and anger and constantly threatened demeanor, or
> sulking/catatonic moods. If you do and do not do this, just use the
> ticket for something you like. You don’t have to travel w E. I just
> had to ticket separately to get the best fare and I have seats next to
> her and the same itenary.
>
> I’ve realized something over the past couple days: you are really self
> centered. You see everything as some big sacrifice and compromise,
> things that others would embrace. You can’t commit to a relationship,
> to the point where you will ruin yourself financially, and take me down
> with you, to avoid it. You spend much of your time making me feel bad
> about your supposed sacrifices, or balking at the basics of a committed
> life relationship, but really you just do what you want when you want
> to, and then blame me when you are unhappy. Want a family or companion?
> Well there they are! Want to do your own thing? Well, hey, don’t
> bother you, you have your own thing to do and don’t expect any more
> sacrifices. The rest of it isn’t your problem or responsibility, unless
> it suits your whim. Carve pumpkins, Ph..! You ahole, how could you
> even dare to suggest it!
>
> You can’t even make E’s evening about someone other than yourself.
> Would it have killed you to have been mature and avoided a
> confrontation, for me j and E? You blamed everyone else for your
> own actions. Well, you could blame Jo.., but that just makes you less
> than an insane person.
>
> And with all the sacrifices you’ve demanded of me; the flipping of our
> plans, the demands that I put aside the huge financial pressures on my
> own life to pay for your reservations about this relationship from
> nothing, your refusal to be a partner in addressing those pressures as a
> team and your assistance on putting your dysfunctional first in a way
> that damages money, trust and kills the ability to grow together, you
> can’t even contribute meaningfully to a joint account. Because there is
> no joint with you, only your definition of a relationship, which is
> lovely dove eyes when it suits you and demands nothing from you and not
> much else except “don’t pressure me” when it doesn’t suit you. How can
> we have a relationship when its all about you and you can’t even step
> into it like the rest of us do.
>
> I spent the last year around here tiptoeing around, ignoring my own
> needs, busting my butt to make you les unhappy and frozen and scared,
> “Pa.. is this ok” “Pa.. is that ok”, so that I/we could assuage your
> anger and your misery at actually having to live a life with others in
> it. And the minute something real has to be committed by you, you freak
> out, or just don’t commit. I am calling you on this Patty: you are self
> centered and you’ve made this all about you. I am sick of it.
>
> You say your mother is your example, but you took the worst from her,
> not the best. She never questioned her commitment to her husband. You
> never gave it.
>
> Yeah, wouldn’t want to make you “sacrifice” and “change your lifestyle”
> by making you go on a vacation with what might have been your family.
> Like the house situation, I go to Ca… or P… for all the times,
> but M…, well, Ph.., that’s not my thing, you know? I mean why would
> a couple vacation together at the place he loves and grew up… That’s
> so….committed!
>
> And as for the comments about how could my ex wife stand me for 10
> years? Why don’t you ask her, because you and she crawled right into
> the same level tonight. I will be comfortable with who and what I was to
> this relationship at the end of it. Will you? You’ve done nothing but
> break us up, by both your actions and your refusals to act. I wouldn’t
> trust you if you told me the sun was coming up tomorrow. And I am tired
> of dong the heavy lifting myself, and being either resented or taken for
> granted for it.
>
> A relationship, either a marriage or a kid, tells you who you really
> are, Patty. Because for the first time you have to life for someone
> else first, beyond yourself, all the time, not just when its convenient.
> I’ve done that and it is absolutely stunning what you haven’t done and
> how you stand on top of that and feel disappointed by all the sacrifice
> and compromise represented by what you haven’t done.
>
> For well over a year you’ve demonstrated that I and our relationship are
> something that at best makes you uncomfortable and at worst you just
> can’t deal with (e.g. your house). Like Johnson said, it was my mistake
> when you were throwing things at me in your house not to walk away. I’m
> tired of making us work. AndI am tired of ignoring how still born we
> were and are.
>
> It is so ironic that I fell in love with you because you gave yourself
> to me completely. And I to you. And it turns out to be the polar
> opposite of that with you, less able to do that than any person one
> could go find by picking at random from a crowd. Weird.
>
> P
>
> —–Original Message—–
>
E-mail from ex-wife
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Jo.. ,=…
> Sent: Friday, June 01, 2007 7:15 AM
> To: Pa……
> Subject: Last night
>
> Pa..,
>
> Please read the attached letter.
>
>
>
I am very angry with you, Pa… Your outrageous disrespect has brought me no other choice but to write you a letter. I will do my best to communicate my concerns.
Tonight, you came to MY children’s, school function. You, were a guest. You were quite simply, Ph..’s and MY guest. You are not a parent, but a partner of a parent. I do not appreciate your obvious rudeness toward me.
What ignorance on your part to think that it does not go unnoticed to those around you, especially to my children. If you truly cared about them, you would re-evaluate your actions. Do you really think it is fair to them to treat their mother with obvious disrespect? To ignore me, and to glare so rudely while I am addressing you?
It is clear you are uncomfortable in my presence. I am not sure what to do about that, as I am sure there will be many more times we will be forced to share space.
It is unfortunate that your opinion of me was shaped during a divorce settlement. I am quite sure that I am not the only ex-wife to have been painted as a horrible individual during a divorce. It is also unfortunate that you witnessed our interactions during this period. I say, our, because, most likely you only saw mine, and were not in the know about Ph..’s. No one is perfect, and in a divorce, things commonly get ugly.
In addition, I will forever be upset with Ph.. for several actions on his part during the beginning of your courtship with him, and his dishonesty with me.
Coupled with our divorce proceedings and a series of events that transpired, you entered the relationship during a volatile state. Nevertheless, you will not understand that, as your opinions have been manipulated by circumstances and, I am sure, by the “woe as me” sob story from Ph.., a divorced man, whose wife just left him.
I am quite sure that most couples, as they are disputing marriage, sometimes get ugly with one another.
Does all of this give you the right to be disrespectful to me?
First of all, let me point out that you are no more than my children’s father’s partner. At this point, you are not even going to be his wife. You do not have the right to be rude to their mother.
They do not understand why you are so rude to me, they only see your reaction when I am near you. Do you even realize that you have been the topic of discussion in therapy for the children? Or did your “life partner” not fill you in on that?
E and J have been asked to be polite to you, give you cards, gifts, and be respectful. They are encouraged by not only their father, but by me. Yes, me.
And you feel you have the right to be rude to me? Because you think you know me?
I find it hard to understand your jealousy of me. You live in my children’s home, you are partnered with their father, and you feel disrespect to their mother is acceptable? I have now gone to multiple athletic events, school concerts, school events, etc. and not once have you even pretended to be polite. It is outrageous that you feel this is acceptable behavior. How dare you berate me on my mothering ability in an email a few years ago, when this is what you feel is acceptable in front of my children? As I was going through a divorce and upset about things unknowing to you, and you felt it appropriate and your place to call me on my mothering ability? Yes, I see now, how you are role model of the year, and your faux mothering skills are hard at work.
For several years, I have ignored the fact that you feel you can rule this situation. I have tried to give it time to dissipate. There needs to be something done.
First of all, I was together with Ph.. for 12 years. At this point, I know him much better than you do. I put up with his manipulative tendencies, negativity, cruelness, & control. I can only assume that he has manipulated you so that you feel sorry for him. For that reason I understand you not liking me. I don’t, however, understand why you feel it is necessary to make my children feel their mother is not welcome in their other home, in their life while they are with you, and that they cannot feel comfortable talking about me when they are around you. This is very sad to me. You should be ashamed of yourself.
When you partnered with Ph.., who was married prior, and who has children from a previous marriage, you should have understood that there is a history and a relationship that that doesn’t just go away. Clearly, you are not mature enough to deal with that.
You forget, or possibly don’t realize, that the children tell me what goes on in their father’s home; your obvious un-comfortableness with any kind of relationship that I may have with Ph.., being a prominent issue, and one that comes up often.
In the few years that you and I have been intertwined, not once have you been mature enough to even try to have some semblance of a relationship with me. I have invited both you and Ph.. to holidays, events, to my home, and to do things together as two families that share children. Do you not realize that you are not hurting me, but, my children? Or do you not care?
At this point, I do not expect you to be my friend, Pa.., or to even like me, but I do expect you to be polite to me. Especially, at a school, athletic or public function, but more importantly when my children are around, whether I am there or not. Your behavior has been despicable. You not only make Ph.. feel uncomfortable (and if you really knew him, you would see that this was happening), but you make my children feel uncomfortable. That proves to be very selfish behavior. When I speak to you, especially at a school function, the glare and rude look on your face is seen by many, most importantly, the children. You have no right to be rude, moreover, publicly rude, and you definitely have no right to judge me. After all, who do you think you are? You have only heard one side of the story, and that story comes from a man whose wife left him.
It is unfortunate, as you have never allowed the opportunity to get to know me, I am not so horrible. Our relationship could have definitely taken a different angle if you could have been open enough to understanding the situation. Until you walk in my shoes, Pa.., you have no right to judge me.
Most of the time, Ph.. and I actually have a mature relationship. Whether that is known to you or not, I am unaware. Our relationship has bumps, as we are divorced and divorced couples have issues that come up once in a while. Clearly, when you are around, he is not comfortable speaking to me, and often avoids contact simply because you have made it known that you do not want him near me. How sad. I can even tell when you are in the room when I speak to him on the phone. His demeanor is much different. It has been told to me by the children, that Ph.. is not even aloud to talk to me on the phone, or that he doesn’t want my name to come up when you are around. Apparently, he cannot even open a Christmas gift from me. You have to get over the fact that he was married to me! We share children together. The children that you so pompously act like you are raising! If you are such an expert, I would appreciate your lack of maturity, and obvious jealousy toward me to take a different direction. I am not going anywhere, anytime soon. While you are in their life, you and I will be bound together.
I am sure that you are a good person. Otherwise, Ph.. would not love you. You seem to be a bright, professional, generally kind, and from what I hear, fun person. Initially, I was hoping that as time went on, we could have some semblance of a working relationship. I blame Ph.., as well, for not working toward a common goal in that regard, as I am sure he has poisoned the pond while needing others to feel sorry for him. In the end, I ask you to re-evaluate your actions toward me. You are not only making yourself look insecure, but you are making the children uncomfortable. That is what makes me angry.
Pa.., I left him. I don’t love him, I haven’t for several years, but, we do share children together. You, Ph.., and I will be forced to deal with each other at school functions, graduations, marriages, grandchildren, the list goes on. Unfortunately, you need to get a handle on this as I am not going anywhere. I am extremely close to my children, and your lack of respect for me, only pushes a wedge into your relationship with them. I wish you would see that.
In the future, I would appreciate, as would the children, whether you realize it or not, the respect I deserve. A simple hello and a smile would do. When I am speaking to you, I do not deserve obvious glaring and rudeness. Ph.. should not feel like he can’t stand near me, or have a conversation with me. You need to get a grasp on the fact that Ph.. and I have a history and that we need to work together, speak to one another, and raise children as a unified front. We cannot do that as effectively with your current behavior.
It would be nice if we could, at some time in the future, put our past behind us, and move toward a healthy, dual family situation. One where you and Ph.. are happily partnered, M… and I are happily partnered, and the children feel at ease with all of us around. I believe it would take great maturity on all of our parts, but in the end a lot of stress and tension would be reduced, and we would, together, be raising happier, healthier children because of it.
As always, I am always open to trying and will leave it in your hands.