Bitter Irony
We spent the weekend at ACL (Austin City Limits: an impressive 3-day live music festival, and if you live in Austin, it’s your civic duty to attend.) Because I am a good-fearing citizen, I showed up in strappy sundress and white sunglasses (the official event garb), drank the tall Dutch beers and did a few awkward dance moves under the searing Texas sun. It was hard work, but I tried not to sweat it.
Imagine this: The Tall One, The Husband and I bonding over pulled pork sandwiches and the heart-breaking ranting of Damien Rice and Lucinda Williams. What’s not to love? Not much, except big crowds and three-digit heat make me perspire profusely. And these days, I stink like a man.
Let me back up. It was a mere three months after my elegant and very lady-like wedding that I caught my first whiff. I had gone from being a well-scented, single woman living in a city apartment to sharing a ranch house with one new husband, two man-children and a couple of boy kitties. My new dwelling space started to reek like a horse stable.
I call this essence of man.
I held my breath, bit my tongue and bought Right Guard in bulk. And then a curious thing happened. I started to smell like them.
I’d be unloading the dishwasher, returning a serving platter to the top shelf and the offensive odor of the Y chromosome would waft my way. I’d turn around, expecting to greet one of the hairy pack, but I’d be alone. “Oh my god, I’d think. That nasty stank is me!”
I held my breath, bit my tongue and bought Right Guard in bulk.
I may be revealing too much here, but as a general rule, I don’t tend to excrete much of a fragrance. My glands have always been very well behaved. So, it gave me great discomfort when I realized they were now making up for lost time.
I asked my gym trainer if she’d ever heard of this type of foul transformation. “As soon as I got married and moved in with a bunch of guys, I explained, my closet has taken on the stench of a high school locker room.” She gave me a funny look and told me to lower my arms and drop the ten-pound weights. We worked on leg strength the rest of the session.
The bitter irony! Here I thought I’d penetrate my stepsons’ lives without consequence. I’d institute a new law and they would follow: Cleanliness And Order Will Prevail! The man-children would throw rose petals in my wake.
But, no! Their teenage redolence has me whipped.
How naïve, I was. Those funky kids outnumber me. I’m not changing their habits any more than they’re morphing mine. But, aside from the pungent perfume I now permeate on a daily basis (and the MAN deodorant I’m forced to apply), the stepmom conversion is surprisingly sweet.
Tags:advice, blog, deodorant, teenager
Thank you so much for the the morning laugh. Perfect for a Monday.
HA! Jokes on me, missy:)
ACL sounds great! Damien Rice and Lucinda Williams! At a festival? Get outta here.
heheheh poor you..
According to the well known phrase “Ladies glow, Men perspire and horses sweat”. In that case I glow like a pig.
But I only sweat from my head… the result of an overheated me is a flushed face and wet hair (really fine hair just gets wet through), generally I look like a victim of school bullies and have had my head flushed down the nearest loo (how do you say that in American English rather than English English?)
As for the smell, Izzy, I don’t think it is you… honestly, my theory is that their smell rubs off in the laundry with yours, no matter how much you launder clothes, the smell of “boy” just permeates into everything it gets close to.
Once girls are more on the scene with both of them (how is the tall one getting along with the goth?) the smell of boy is replaced with aftershave and soap and hair gel.
Really? I can’t wait to smart smelling like after shave.
IR
errrm aftershave = cologne
(these days I have no idea what translates from English English…..)
Actually the prevelant smell is hair gel or mousse or whatever… they seem to use it by the bucket load. Thank the deities that your 2 have their own bathroom because somedays it’s like a 1950’s alien movie with the amount of slime that is left EVERYWHERE. I’m just thankful for vodka, and the fact that all my step-tesoterones are old enough to just visit.
maybe you’re best sticking with the stench of hard work,
Vodka does diminish the horror of slime. Agreed.
IR
There’s actually a reason for this phenomenon - you’ve adopted their skin bacteria.
Sweat itself doesn’t smell, it’s the bacteria living on your skin frolicking in your sweat that makes the smell. After living together, the various “colonies” living on each person tend to merge — and you happen to be outnumbered by man bacteria. :)
It’s true! I knew it. Gross. I’m going to take a shower. And stay in there.
IR
I like your smell. And I am heterosexual. I guess that means you DO smell like a dude.
[...] sure is harmless and simply a product of either 1) 90 degree heat in October 2) my abundance of man sweat 3) [...]