A Toast to the Ladies
Ladies, a congratulatory toast is in order. I have invited you to spill the milk, tell the whole (gulp) truth and share your stories, the sweet and the sour. Just like a good milk-lady, you have delivered.
Your comments and emails in response to Marrying the Ex-wife have left me equally giddy and impressed. Indulge me for a moment and let me thank you for your insightful and honest words. My heartfelt thanks.
Adding your experiences to the mix is the very point of this site. I’ve said it once and I’ll repeat it: Stepmother’s Milk is a metaphor for how women nurture and care for each other in trying times* I’ve found that often the best pacifier is the voice of another woman, who lets us know we’re not alone. Encouraging a chorus of voices was my intention for this blog from the beginning.
*Or more literally, it’s an alcoholic beverage that dulls the pain.
Now, I’m not surprised that a post focused on the behavior of the ex-wife would generate animated debate. I’m quite certain that many of us have a few (in the hundreds) things to say about this popular topic. And when I say topic, I mean her. (What am I? In seventh grade?)
I’m not surprised that a post focused on the behavior of the ex-wife would generate animated debate.
The question I raised was: should the ex-wife be invited to the current wife’s wedding? Since it triggered such spirited dialogue, I thought I’d continue the conversation with a few new thoughts.
Jeanne (see Stepmom Spotlight) brought the following to my attention: She says, “I think just about every kid of divorced parents really hope Mom and Dad will somehow find their way back together. I think their instinct is for them to reassemble the pack.”
I’ve tried to remember if this was true for me. My parents split when I was nine. I know I didn’t want them to divorce (Why would I? They were sweet to me and appeared to get along famously), but I really can’t remember any conspiracy on my part to nudge them back together.
Now, every family does it differently. I’m certainly no expert, but here’s what I think my parents did right. They sat me down and told me it was over. And that was that. Dad moved out. Mom moved on. I started schlepping back and forth across town and forcing down two turkey dinners at Thanksgiving. Life was not going to continue under one roof.
They used the old band-aid analogy. Rip the MoFo off.
I can’t imagine my grief had I spent years hoping and believing that maybe maybe someday my parents would reunite. That’s just agony isn’t it? It makes my heart hurt.
After chewing my lip over this one for the past couple of days, I am resolute. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t invite the ex-wife to my wedding. The kids need a clear family picture. Why confuse the issue with a mom/stepmom jubilee?
Just over a year ago, I said yes to marriage and beamed without reservation at the man I’d be dancing with for the rest of my life. Standing beside us were two young guys in pin-striped suits, watching their Dad marry someone other than their Mom (who was 2000 miles away doing her own thing). Their toothy smiles indicated they accepted this. Mom and Dad weren’t getting back together.
A new beginning for all of us. We hope. Cheers.
Tags:advice, blog, divorce, ex wife, memphis wedding
I don’t think I seriously thought my parents would get back together but I think there was a sub-conscious wish for normalcy. It was the late 60’s, none of my friends had parents who were divorced, once my dad moved out it wasn’t something we talked about. So I think it was the idea of having both parents in the same house, more so than ever planning some kind of real life parent trap.
And knowing what I know now - I was better off!!
I’m sure that my step kids wanted their mom and dad to stay together, The step-Diva recently announced that she’s been depressed since the divorce (she actually said the school grade, but the timings fit in). I also was told about the time that one of the boys broke his hand, hitting the door when he was told the news (he was 17 or 18 at the time).
These kids are demonstrative…. they are firey and vocal.
Their Mom got re-married a couple of months ago, and Mr W and I got married a week ago, everyone is in a state of flux and we’re witnessing the firey and vocal. Do you think that it’s them kicking back at not being able to “reassemble the pack” with new spouses in the way?
Oops. Submitted this comment on an older post. One of those days.
So, reposting here —
First, I’m from the Austin area. I now live in Arkansas.
Second, I’m a stepmother to two teenagers, one boy, one girl, non-custodial. They live 30 minutes away.
Third, how have I not stumbled across this blog?!
I’m so glad I found you.
p.s. We eloped.
When my parents divorced, I sang along with every everyone else that was singing the “about dang time” song lol. My father was/is a drunk, manipulator, and every other bad thing anyone could call him. And yet, I lived 4 and a half years with him. I was happy when he remarried, meant some of his focus would be off me. I was happy my mom remarried, meant she finally had someone else to lean on besides me. I grew up way to fast because of my messed up family. I went through both the evil and good step-family. My step-mother was a B.I.T.C.H. that thought it was grand to throw me against walls. The only saving grace from that family was my step-sister. My step-father, he was more of a father then my own. He cared, set reasonable rules, and didn’t throw me against a wall when I did wrong. The bad fall from that family was my step-brother. He was quiet the thief.
I have brought wisdom from both sides of the coin into this family. I know I will never throw any of these kids against a wall, no matter how much they might deserve it. I know to be supportive, and be a role model. I am the primary guardian of the kids, they live with me full time, no going back and forth. They were thrown into this step-family with out a voice. No one sat down to explain things to them. I have been trying, but the kids don’t want to talk to me. I know who they want to talk to, and getting those two to see they need to talk to these kids has been an up hill battle I have been fighting for the past 5 years.
I could go on and on about this topic… It has been something I have thought about on many levels for many years. I know my oldest wanted his parents back together for a while, even though he recalled them doing nothing but fighting just about every night. The middle was only 4 when her parents divorced, I have been in her life since she was 5, but she always knew she was the “favored” by her BM. The youngest, he was 2 when they divorced, he only met his mother three times after the divorce. But he loves her more then he can express, though he doesn’t actually know her. Up until Christmas of 05, he could never point her out in any pictures.
I am actually writing about my step-family dynamics and hope to get it up on my site sometime this month.
When I entered into the world of my husband’s family I was so intrigued with the fact that his mom and dad were still friendly even though they had long separated. They spent most holidays together, they chatted often, especially about the sons, and even still argued here and there. (My divorced parents had no such chumminess- not even the arguing part) So, I began to have my own delusions that they really still loved each other and one day would be back together. After 15 years in the scene, I get it. They don’t want to be back together but there is still a friendship/family bond based on the fact that they are the parents. And there’s still plenty of annoyances and bullshit that everyone gets into but gets through as well. I know this wouldn’t work for everyone, but I love knowing that it can work for some.
A toast is in fact in order. It seems that in addition to her other attributes, Izzy is modest. “The Grass is Always Greener” was given a Perfect Post Award.
Check it out - http://www.valuewit.com/2007/09/perfect-post-aw.html
Regarding today’s post, I would like to add that the comments & commiseration on this site resonate not only with stepmothers, but with anyone who is a part of a complex family. The typical American Family is no longer composed of a mother, father - happily married until death do part them - with two natural children. I come from a family with a mother, father and (over time) four of their respective partners, a sister, a step-sister, and two-half brothers. My step-sister has had three step-parents and four step-siblings. My half-brothers have two moms. My biomom, who was adopted, regularly hangs with her biological parents and siblings, and my step-mother is still close with her ex-mother-in-law. Drawing the family tree is no easy task. This kind of resource is invaluable.
Cheers right back at ya, Izzy.
Cheers back, lovely lady. Your words add much to my life, every day that I read them.
Agh. I remember when my parents divorced. It was a pretty ugly one too. I used to run out and lay down on the pavement infront of his car, so that he couldn’t leave the driveway. They never really sat me down and explained everything to me - I wish they had. It definitely does seem like the right thing to do.
My dad remarried twice, giving me two rounds of step-mom, both of which I ended up not liking. The only thing good that really came out of it is, I know what I do and do not want from a stepmom. And since every cloud has a silver lining - I think my experiences will help me become a stronger stepmom to my man’s kids.
Alice,
And in that way I that way, I believe that is our strength. As stepkids ourselves, we can provide an insight and tender perspective to OUR stepkids. I don’t know a lot about mothering…I have no bio kids of my own…but I know alot about being a stepkid.
Thanks for all your comments
IR
Right on Izzy! What would we do without our girlfriends to laugh and cry with? They help set us straight and make us realize we are not the only ones. Piper is right when she comments that this blog doesn’t just resonates with stepmoms. Thanks also to Piper for letting us know about Izzy’s blog award! Congrats!
[...] related wedding stories… Tags:broadway, memphis wedding, New York Times, peabody hotel, Rent musical, seasons of love, [...]