Marrying the Ex-wife
My vision of the ideal wedding included the following: 1) My cake would be pink. 2) A gospel choir would bring down the house. 3) The Ex-wife would not be included in the festivities.
In my mind, these were all perfectly reasonable requests and I proceeded to plan accordingly. I found a Memphis music producer who assembled a kick-ass gospel ensemble. Check. I found a Pastry Chef who specialized in pink fondant cake. Done. I didn’t invite the EX. All hell broke loose.
I was called out for my discourteous social skills. I think the word used to describe my tactless behavior was “insensitive.”
Yikes. I was puzzled. How do I react to this?
Clearly, this could get yucky and no one likes a yucky bride. A resentful bride is even worse, so I resisted my knee-jerk reaction to please and quickly drop an invite in the mail. I asked my mother, “I’m all for getting along, but don’t I get one night off for good behavior?” No comment is what she said. Smart woman.
Don’t I get one night off for good behavior?
Was I missing something? Why does the ex-wife want to be part of our wedding? I needed my therapist for an emergency session on boundaries. An honest analysis of the relationship revealed the following:
The EX and I are friend-ly. For two women who share a history with the same man, we’re brilliant sports. We’re cordial grown-ups and behave better than most women splitting the needs of two kids. But, that doesn’t mean we’re pals, exactly. We’re not getting together to braid one another’s hair, and we’re not assigning each other the role of flower girl! For God’s sake, isn’t this my wedding? Can’t we get together for sushi instead?
Weddings are tricky. Politics are thick and money is typically tight. When you’re talking about organizing hordes of family and friends, there’s bound to be someone who doesn’t get their way (which is why supplying platters of crab cakes and free liquor can make you popular again). I just didn’t figure that on my wedding day (in between yanking on the spanks and fastening heirloom diamonds around my neck), I’d be worrying about the hurt feelings of the ex-wife. So, I didn’t.
Instead, I played the Belle of the Ball card. I was getting married in the Grand Ballroom of The Peabody Hotel. I had to stay true to character.
On June 10, 2006, I made a commitment to one man and focused intently on him. I was aware and accepted that our union meant I was marrying a whole mess of people: The Tall One, The Young One, the in-laws and even, the ex-wife. However, on our wedding night, her needs would have to wait.
I invite you to leave comments about “Marrying the Ex-wife,” but please keep it clean and reasonably kind.
I’m not sure I can leave a coherent comment because that cake has me all wide eyed and maybe drooling on myself a little. Yum-o.
I don’t think it was unreasonable of you in the least to expect that she would not be included in the festivities. It sounds like your situation is more ideal (and grown-up, and less snarky) than my feelings toward McDreamy’s ex; however, I do also know that it is generally considered the rule that the ex is not, in fact, to be invited to the wedding. I commend you for handling the situation with the grace and poise you did and for having the stones to forge a cooperative, grown-up relationship with her. You are a better woman than I!
BM tried to crash our wedding.
She wasn’t audacious enough to actually physically try to do it, but as is her MO, she attemted to use the kids as an excuse to “drop by.”
I know everyone says that when you get married to a divorced man with kids you know what you’re getting into. Baloney. None of us really know what we are getting into.
I think the thing that should concern us Second Wives the most is WHY do the exes WANT to be there?
Maybe I’m having a bad day, but I am tired of being told that I have an obligation to include BM in MY LIFE. As far as I’m concerned, she should be grateful that I care enough about Stepsons to include her in things that are honestly, none of her business.
*sigh*
Last relationship I had (which did not result in marriage), this guy did more for his ex than he ever did for me.
Now MY ex is getting married for the second time since we got divorced and he said “if you need a reason to come to where it’s warm in October, you’re perfectly welcome to come.”
Uh, I think not. It IS a brides wedding after all. I say - when it’s your day you get to pick and have everything your way. Women are the storers of the memories anyway. :)
Mrs. H…the obligation is exactly what becomes the hard and bewildering part. I agree.
I think considering feelings is important- absolutely- but it works both ways. Stepmom and Ex-wife need to take turns, yes?
IR
As a grown woman, I’m assuming you paid for your own wedding, right?
As an event that you both were paying for, who you invited was up to you. If you didn’t want to invite the ex, you didn’t need to. Weddings are about the two people whose names are on the marriage liscense. Yes, they are about bringing families together, but the families aren’t on the marriage license.
I’d contemplated inviting the ex to our wedding if only because the kids would have someone to go home with that night; however, the truth of the matter is/was, I was becoming part of the family. Everyone was going to have to get used to the fact that there was now a mom, a dad and a stepmom. Mom wasn’t always going to be in the room for every event in our lives.
I make no apologies for not inviting the ex. Anyone who would have told me that I should have I would have responded “invite her to your own party.”
High five Izzy.
I agree. What the hell was the ex thinking? Sure you can all get along before and after the wedding but it sounds like she has some growing up to do.
Hummmmppphhhh…. In the UK there is a growing trend (and associated etiquette) to offer the ex’s invites to the wedding, but on the other hand, the return etiquette is that they are politely declined, with a “I have another engagement” (if that isn’t too ironic).
A couple of months ago, Mr W’s ex wife invited us to her wedding, and I immediately said “I have another engagement” - but Mr W pointed out that only the kids (and grandkids) were invited, the grooms brother and wife and US…… so that meant that the wedding party was really small…. now that gave us a bit of dilemma, do we turn it down, when they obviously haven’t invited any other “friends”? The answer is no, I got completely weirded out and attended Mr W’s Ex-Wifes wedding in Reno. The Arches of Reno wedding chapel was a sight to behold, and the Reverend Cox, gave the most misogynistic wedding service I have EVER heard. If he’d said does anyone object to this marriage, I would have stood up and said yes, your sermon is full of crap.
But, he didn’t and I didn’t and I made sure that I wasn’t in any wedding pictures. I gave the happy couple a present (an original of a photo I’d taken and framed). I took the wedding photos.
I smiled and ate dinner (seated at the far end of the table)
At the end, we left, we headed straight for the bar and I got a bit tipsy, we were joined by the elder boys - aged 21 and 20….. 20 I hear you ask? Well the 20year old had been gifted with a temporary “for one night only” id that made him 26 and called Wallace, so for an evening, we sat in the bar with one of my step sons and his mate Wally and forgot about the utterly bizarre incident I’d just been involved in. If that bar tender is a screen play writer, I expect the script to be on some sit-com in the near future.
After all, it was RENO and that doesn’t really count as real life does it?
You know, I have never even contemplated that idea. DH and I got married at justice of the peace, mostly because of timelines. But when we do have our big wedding, I do not know if ex would be invited. I honestly doubt it, don’t think the husband would allow me to invite her. But an interesting thought piece non the less.
Yeah, it’s messy. We eloped partially to escape this dilemma and partially because neither one of us (me and my husband) has very much fun with big event planning — we’d both been married and the more we thought about it, the more we wanted something quiet and private (and something we wouldn’t have to borrow for).
We had a big casual barbecue at our house a couple of months later to celebrate our elopement and invited tons of people, including the kids’ mom — she didn’t end up coming, but it was the sort of thing that felt more comfortable and right for all of us to be at together. (From my perspective.)
The whole step-family thing feels so weird and awkward from so many angles so much of the time!
My husband and I were married out of state, near my family. My husband’s entire immediate family attended, including his children who were part of the wedding party. The day following the wedding my stephildren flew back with my husband’s parents. So that eliminated the ex-wife being near…. and it nearly drove her crazy. In the weeks prior to our wedding she was constantly calling my hubby trying to get all the details so she could properly “prepare” the children. OOOOOOKAAAYYYY? We were doing a pretty good job of that on our own, thank you! Had she been invited, she definately would have attended….. and probably would have tried to weazel her way into the formal wedding pictures.
When we returned to our state and new marital home…… my new mother and father-in-law honored us with a lavish back yard reception with all of my husband’s extended family and many family friends attending. My husband’s ex slowly drove ’round and ’round the block for hours trying to see all the festivities, who was there, who catered the food, listen to the music, and of course trying to get a glimpse of the grand prize: the new bride. My husband’s family tried to shield me from knowing what was going on. My husband finally called her house and informed her husband that she had been driving around our house and periodically parking in front of the neighbor’s house for more than two hours, to which he responded that we were crazy, that she had gone “shopping.” The next day she informed us that she “WAS in our neighborhood, but only to look for the house of a woman who does alterations, and she couldn’t seem to find the address.” (She thinks we were born yesterday) Well…….. that was the start of the stalking that eventually led to multiple restraining orders and various convictions against her. And we loved that house… but we eventaully had to move to get away from her.
A month after the backyard reception we took a week-long honeymoon (10 days with travel) She called several times prior to our leaving to offer to watch my two children. (I would have taken them with me before putting them in her care.) But we had already planned for them to fly with us to my family, then we proceeded on to our honey moon, picked them up on the way back and all flew home together. The ex couldn’t believe we went to all that trouble and extra expense when they could have just “stayed with her.” Well, my children had never met her, It was too weird for me and as time would tell….. preventing her from having access to my kids was worth every penny and every minute of extra time and planning.
I don’t understand why an ex would ever be invited to a wedding. That would imply they are “friends” and if they are friends, why are they divorced? Boundaries need to be established from day one!
This conversation is just ::creeping:: around the corner for Mr.Brady and I. We plan to marry next summer, and the topic has come up once or twice. We read somewhere that its proper etiquette to invite her to the wedding, and it’s proper etiquette for her to decline the invite. Mr.Brady is pretty sure that this is the way we should go. I say…no way. I really dont want to take that chance, as I’m sure she’ll accept the invitation.
I say…good for you, Izzy! It’s your day! It’s not about the ex…it’s about you and the future that you and your hubby have decided to take on together.
I’m so old and wise these days. Ten years ago it didn’t occur to me to invite the ex-wife to my warm and beautiful wedding. At that time she was in enemy territory. Times have changed and now I wish she would have been there to see her children dressed so prettily and speaking so well in front of hundreds of people. Also, I wish she could have been there to support her girls at a ceremony where hordes of strangers talked to them. However, if she would have been there, the girls would not have branched out and met new people. Hindsight is 20/20.
This post is making me think. This past week my stepdaughter, the ex-wife’s youngest, went to college a jillion miles away from home. The ex is probably experiencing a serious empty nest. I’m going to do something nice for her. IzzyRose, you inspired me!
Love the post Izzy! We’ve recently had this same conversation about our upcoming wedding in November. At first she was on the list but I was very uncomfortable with the idea of her being there. It’s my big day that I’ve waited for all my life…why should I have to share it with her? She is no longer on the invitation list and will not be making it back on there. And I am truly happy with this decision with only a slight feeling of guilt. I’m glad to see others have contemplated over the same decision!
I guess I am considered the lucky (one) wife…when I married the Mr. we still were not given an updated address for the ex; therefore, no invites if no address. Darn the luck !! :)
The kids took care of this one for me! They ran in the house shrieking that Daddy and K are getting married! and the oldest says “mom can you come to the wedding!” and I looked at them both, smiled, and said, “oh honey, unfortunatly I’m sure your mom already has plans that day!” (lol even if our wedding is almost a year away) I said it really nice, yet firm enough to be taken as, “no, you are not invited, nor shall you be.” without putting either of us in a weird how-do-we-explain-this place. Good for you though! it is all about you!
[...] comments and emails in response to Marrying the Ex-wife have left me equally giddy and impressed. Indulge me for a moment and let me thank you for your [...]
Wow! I never even knew there were people out there who would even consider inviting the ex to the wedding! I certainly didn’t, nor did my darling husband, and I don’t think his ex ever expected (or hoped) to be invited. And I sure didn’t feel guilty about not inviting her. Yes, once marrying the father of her children I was committing to having some kind of “relationship” with her, but that didn’t mean that she needed to be at the ceremony marking the beginning of my relationship with her ex-husband. Those are two seperate things.
I agree that there have to be boundaries set from the very beginning that the ex should just not cross. And one of those is at the threshold into the church (or wherever you’re having your wedding…you know what I mean!)
We kept our wedding a secret from the bio mom (and held it in a remote Canadian location that she couldn’t get to without a boat or a plane) because she would have shown up and created a scene and it was my day. So, I don’t really have anything relevant. I completely understand why you didn’t want to include her (just reading that she wanted to be raised my blood pressure) I just want to know, having formerly lived in the Memphis area for 5 years - did you include the Peabody Ducks?
Again, thanks for all your wonderful comments…both insightful and validating.
As for our Memphis wedding, we did not include the ducks in the ceremony, but we waited until they retreated upstairs to the rooftop before we started our ceremony. In fact, the elevators were jammed and our 530 wedding was close to getting a late start:) For those of you who don’t know about the famous Peabody ducks, go to the Memphis getaway page and click on the Peabody hotel to get the full story. Otherwise, you’ll never believe it.
IR
Oh my God, no way did I ever even consider inviting my husband’s ex to the wedding. She wouldn’t even let their children come to the wedding. She divorced him and I didn’t meet him until after the divorce.
But let me tell you what she did:
When I was in labor for our first child, she peeked in the delivery room.
When we were away from home, my step daughter in law was in our house doing laundry. She was staying in a cottage with no washing machine. His ex invited herself inside for a tour of our house………..
Gees, I am so glad she lives a few states away. Phew……….
I’m so glad I found this blog! I am getting married next summer to the love of my life - unfortunately he has not only an ex-wife, but a BM as well. So there are TWO women that I have to deal with. Now, I have made it my business to become friendly with both of them out of my genuine concern and caring for their children, but I also know that both of them wish they were ME - meaning they both wish they were with him! This feels like a hard seat to sit in sometimes.
Getting to the point - I’m not sure whether to invite them to the wedding or not? I’m not totally opposed to them being there, but because I feel that they both still have feelings for my fiance, I think maybe they would be insulted to get an invite? His oldest will be 16 at the time of our wedding - so there is really no need for the ex-wife to be there, but the youngest will be 6, so in a way it would be easier to have her mother there so we wouldn’t have to have someone else watch her, etc. Then…I feel like if we invite the BM, we have to invite the ex-wife. My fiance basically left it up to me…I don’t think he is concerned either way if they are there or not there.
Part of me says and thinks that this is MY (well OUR) day and I don’t want them there…but part of me feels like it would be good for all parties involved for them to be there. The children will see the real “family” environment that they are both looking for and the ex and BM will realize that he has moved on, this is real and hopefully will move on with their lives.
I am not worried about the BM’s behavior at all, but the ex-wife is known to get a little bit out of hand and be somewhat inappropriate…
I just don’t know what to do - please help!
Izzy, I need to meet you ladies!! When and where do we gather for the influx of cocktails and the outflux of chatter that you describe as a tradition your mother started? I am in Austin, newly engaged and living with a father of two lovely little girls who split their time between mom and dad’s house… And truly I often feel so lost and alone on the path towards step-motherhood!
The children are divine - obviously, like all children they have moments when they transform into little monsters as all children do. But they are so young it’s easy to remember that they are innocent souls having normal reactions to the crazy world around them.
Their mother, on the other hand, is a force of negativity - deeply unhappy for decades and plagued with intense self-hatred. My boyfriend does an amazing job, the vast majority of the time, of treating her respectfully, maintaining excellent boundaries and not allowing her depression to infect our household. When her emotional condition affects their children, however (the older daughter exhibits low self-esteem due to the lack of her mother’s ability to show love, or mom falls aparts and therefore so does daughter), it saddens and frustrates him. And then I don’t react well because I feel like if it weren’t for her, no one in our house would have to be anything other than happy. So that’s our struggle.
And, as to the question at hand, clearly she is not coming to the wedding. And it will probably be kept a secret from her until after the fact. Which, on one hand, I don’t like because it’s a celebration and I don’t feel like I should have to hide if from anyone. And it puts the kids in an awkward position of sorts, because they’re smart cookies and have caught on and mom peppers them with questions about the goings on in our household. On the other hand, perhaps I should be grateful that it’s not a question I even have to consider.
I have a quick question, and would like different opinions. I am a Stepmother, I know that there are boundries that are not to be crossed and I have respect for my stepson’s mother, as a matter of fact, we pretty much get along on a friendly level. My concern is… My Son has a stepmother (well her and my ex are engaged ). I feel like she crosses the line on certian things in my son’s life that she really has no business getting involved in. #1..My son will call to talk to his father and she’ll get on the phone and tell my son how much she misses him, and how much she loves him. #2.. When we went to orientation at my son’s school, she signed up to volenteer as the class mother! WTF!
Krystal,
Think of it this way, would you rather she were mean and cruel to him?
You don’t say whether the soon-to-be stepmome has her own biological child or not.
I know from personal experience that sometimes stepmoms who don’t, or can’t, have their own child love their stepchild(ren) like their own flesh and blood and act that way.
So long as she’s not telling your son to not love you, let her be the good parent it sounds like she’s trying to be.
Yes, she has her own Son (7 months old) … I understand what you are saying, but at the same time, I feel like she is disrespecting me in a way. I would never try to step on my stepson’s mother toes. Aren’t there some sort of boundries?
I wonder if talking to her would help? Telling her you feel like she’s stepping on your toes a little. Have a stepmom-to-stepmom heart to heart.
If my stepkids’ biological mom mentioned to me that she felt like I was being too invoved — instead of going through my husband like she has in the past — I would feel a sisterhood with her.
I love being involved in my stepkids’ lives but the biomom feels like I overstep sometimes, which is never my intention. I just love the kids like my own; I also can’t have my own so that adds a crimp into things.
I write a blog as well, http://www.erinhallstrom-erickson.blogspot.com, and I feel like I’m always dealing with this issue. Do you mind if I mention your initial question if I write a blog post about it?
Take care –
Sorry it took so long to respond. I’ve been soooo busy! The kids just went back to school. :-) We have agreed to talk. She will be getting back to me and letting me know when she is available. Feel free to use my question in your blog. I’ll keep you posted.. keep in touch!
Krystal,
I think your feelings in reaction to your kid’s stepmother’s actions and expressions of love for your son are very normal. But I agree with Erin, that you should try to see the positive side of it - she is loving and involved in your son’s life, not mean, indifferent, or resentful of his presence in her house. My suggestion, as a stepmom who does not have her own kids, is to let her know that you appreciate the positive presence that she is in your son’s life, but that you feel your toes are being stepped on at times and kindly ask her to back off in those arenas. If she’s got your son’t best interest at heart, it may be a chance for her to affirm to you that she supports your relationship with your son wholeheartedly, that she never wants to replace you as his mother, and that she can’t help but to love the good kid you’ve raised and is simply trying to be good to him in the only way she knows how. She may appreciate some gentle guidance from you, and you may find peace in knowing that this person your son regularly spends time with genuinely cares about him.
[...] Kate: Krystal, I think your feelings in reaction to your kid’s stepmother’s… [...]
I have a question for you stepmoms:
I have a 12 year old daughter who’s father remarried a lovely woman about 8 years ago. Although we’ve had our moments, I truly believe all the adults involved have my daughter’s best interest at heart. That said, I’m wondering how best to approach the subject of her backing off just a tad and letting me have my special mother-daughter days? Over the summer, for instance, Stepmom gave Daughter her first bra, completely stealing my thunder! And this coming friday is Daughter’s first dance… and Stepmom just told her that she’d come over to my house (something unheard of) and do my daughter and her friends hair-do’s! What about this mother-daughter moment?!?!?!
I have full custody of my daughter. She lives with me fulltime in another town and visits her father and stepfamily two weekends per month, this past weekend being one of them. While they are great in many ways, they have yet to attend a soccer game, band concert, school play, mainly because of the inconvienient driving distance (about 40 minutes).
Can you see why I’m so upset? I haven’t said anything yet, but the thought of friday being shared with her really gets under my skin. I set up a slumber party with my daughter’s friends specifically so that the night would be at MY house and I could be a part of it, as opposed to the girls gathering at one of the other friends’ houses. What should I do? How can I speak up and suggest that she back off without bad vibes? Should I just bite my tongue and act cheery? Should I speak to her directly or go through my daughter’s father as we normally do?
HELP!!
Speaking as a step-mom myself I think you should just open up to your ex-husband’s wife and tell her that you’d like Friday to be a bonding experience for you and your daughter and that you’ve set it up like that from the start. I think a lot of frustration on both sides comes from assuming that the other person must know that it drives us nuts when they do….. (fill in the blank here) but honestly it’s impossible to get inside another person’s head so it’s best just to voice your opinions. If this woman is as lovely as you say then I’m sure she’ll get it - I would hate to step on my stepkids Mom’s toes, however unintentionally (and I’m sure I have, I just don’t know about it because she’s never told me!)
Good luck!
[...] I realize this is several (like six) months away, but I thought it only fair to let you know why I have been so unapologetically absent from this blog for so long. I’ve been writing, writing, writing and now the bulk of the work is done and I can return to the platform that inspired the book in the first place– Stepmother’s Milk. Many of the discussions that we have had here are included in The Package Deal, including the L-Word, What’s in a name, The Stepkid Shuffle and Marrying the Ex. [...]