Make one good girlfriend
My mother, a Methodist turned hippie, has always campaigned for the woman’s right to make good girlfriends. An enthusiastic mother, passionate wife and ambitious career woman, she’s always made time for her gal-pals. As long as I can remember, she’s had intellectually curious, feisty, hilarious and tender women in her life. They’ve paraded in and out of our homes for years, laughing, chugging wine, sneaking cigarettes, exchanging animated stories and sharing just the God-awful truth.
For the most part, I’ve followed suit. I’m a girl who likes her girlfriends. But, mine are scattered all over the map. Since my early twenties, I’ve moved around: Hawaii, Boston, Munich, Oakland, San Francisco, and now Austin. Just when I set up camp, I seem to be pulling out the same old mismatched luggage and packing up again. This means that when I want to get together with my favorite ladies for Girls’ Night Out, it’s a tad problematic. For years now, I’ve longed to root myself in a city where I have a gaggle of good friends in one central location.
All you need is one good girlfriend.
When I was blubbering my sad goodbyes and heading off to the heart of Texas (where I didn’t know a soul or how to two-step), my mother advised, “All you need is one good girlfriend. Once you meet another woman who you can call in a pinch… for coffee or a walk, you’ll be fine.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’m overlooking the obvious. It’s not like I was moving to Austin alone. True. I had my soon-to-be husband by my side. Doesn’t he count? The answer is yes, of course he does. He’s my best boyfriend. But, our husbands can’t be everything to us. We have to give our men a break.
I must confess. I feel like I have the best of both worlds when it comes to The Husband doubling as my girlfriend. He lets me dress him in fabulous colors, like mint and tangerine; he talks smack about Lohan and celebrity boob jobs gone awry; and he breaks down when he misses his kids. He’s a treat. And absolutely a hetero.
We need to give our men a break.
Still, I need my girlfriends. And now that I’ve become a new stepmom, you better believe I need some supporting estrogen.
As soon as we arrived in Austin, I went on a desperate search. I decided to be bold, shed my shy self and make the first move. I started trolling for girlfriends. I’d psych myself up in the bathroom mirror before heading out for the day. “Hi. I like your bangs. Do you want to be my friend?” Pathetic, right?
I buddied up to the cashier at our favorite wine shop, joined a ladies book group, bonded with other soft bodies in Boot Camp and swapped wedding plans with my new hairdresser. I wondered, “Who’s going to be my one good girlfriend?” Should I give her a present? Chocolate, perhaps?
I got lucky. In just over the year that I’ve been in this colorful Texas town, I’ve met some of the most amazing Southern women, whom I confidently call my girlfriends. They are smart, silly and magnetic. We share stories about married life, the singles’ scene, career change, family traditions, tawdry literature, haute cuisine and naturally, shoes. Our conversations are honest, gut busting and real, and the intimacy is absolutely necessary to my survival.
Girlfriends give you roots. Good friends allow your spirit to rest and breathe. Just one good girlfriend can transform an unfamiliar place into a home.
Tags:boot camp, girlfriends, girls night out, stepmom
I would love that “One good girlfriend” but I seem to be missing something that attracts people to me. Instead, I seem to almost have a repellent. I am the “No one else wants to hang out, so would you like to?” type of friend. The back up, because everyone knows, I have no one else. I do get the once in a while chat, but they are rare, and very far between. Maybe if I drank coffee or tea I could find one or two… But for this old military brat now military spouse, making good friends is hard, I don’t mind the good-byes, I just seem to hate the hellos.
How can anyone NOT be friends with such a sassy, beautiful, fun and caring woman? I dare them to show their face in Texas…I’ll prove stereotypes correct with my cowgirl antics! This post has made my day.
Chelly,
I find that hard to believe…you are a charming woman. And very thoughtful. I’d be happy to meet you for coffee anytime.
IR
Amen girlfriend. A-M-E-N
I’ve lived in Illinois my entire life and I still search for a gaggle of girlfriends to help you through the good times and bad. I think I’ve found a well-rounded group now but it took a while.
Here’s to surrounding yourself with a group of sassy, charasmatic online/blogging girlfriends, too!
Yes to Erin…
I am grateful for the women I have met online…other moms, stepmoms and single ladies from all over the county who give me stories to laugh and think about every day.
IR
Yep, I wholeheartedly agree. I’m all about my online girlfriends, and my in-real-life girlfriends. They make life bearable when it’s unbearable, laughable when I really want to cry, and I couldn’t live without them. Hubby is awesome. Love him to death. But I need my girlfriends more than I need chocolate. That’s A LOT! And I agree, Chelly. Coffee, maybe. Margarita? Absolutely! :)
I hear ya, sister! Having just moved to Washington from Canada, I literally have no close girlfriends here. Everybody keeps telling me, “Oh! They arent that far away - only 3 hours!”. Which is true, but that doesnt help when I really just want to meet for a quick chat & coffee. Plus none of them really call.
I’ve been trying to meet new people in this city - but it’s been hard. The social awkwardness I carry is a drag.
Which is why I’ve found this online community to be such a wonderful support system. But hey - if anyone is down for a chat on skype/phone, let me know! I’m all ears :)
As usual, you are spot on. I so cherish my girlfriends and one of the things that’s been difficult about the insanity of my life the last few years is not having the time to connect with them and spend time as often as I’d like to.
ps your hubby sounds like an absolute gem -
Izzy,
I have gathered in tons of online girlfriends, I have even met a few when they made trips in my direction. But the people here, close by, have their own agendas, most can not relate to me. So I become the last person people come to for anything. I do have one friend here that is also a step-mother, so we go through alot together, but she has closer friends then me that she will go to first, and only come vent to me when her “better” friends don’t understand. I tend to be the “Oh, yhea, I forgot about you” friend… Or the “So and So and I are fighting, lets hang out” friend.
Stephanie,
I don’t mind hanging out at Coffee shops, since most sale hot chocolate too lol, and I will hang out in a winery.
I live in Austin. I’ll be your friend. Sounds like you run too early, too far and too fast for me. I’m a plodder.
P.S. I I know someone who knows you. I passed your site on to someone to read and they said “I know Izzy (’cept they knew your name)! She used to work here (as in the green place.)” Now, don’t you feel perfectly stalked!!
I do feel stalked, miss Bitsy…and will keep my eyes out for you on the trail. Send me an email sometime.
IR
This post is so perfect and so, so true. Your mama knew what she was talking about!
Izzy,
Love your site - thanks for sharing with such honesty and humor! I’m also an Austinite and a stepmom (9-year old stepdaughter) of almost three years. Have you had any luck finding any kind of support groups in the Austin area? I’ve been searching for years. I actually went to one before I was even married (b/c I was having the pre-wedding “oh my God, I’m going to be a stepmom!” panic attacks) but found that particular one to be extremely negative and depressing. I opted for cutting out on those support group meetings and marrying my husband! Anyhow, I’d love to find some sort of stepmom community. I’m 31, and the vast majority of my friends are unmarried… none of them stepmoms or dating men with children. They’re great listeners, but I’d love to meet some women in the same boat (or at least, ones that vaguely resemble my own in this area). Thanks!
‘Hope you’re enjoying Austin. Thank God, the heat will subside before too long.
Julie
Hi Julie,
Great to meet you and thanks for the Austin welcome.
I have met many great women,but not too many stepmoms or any groups. I have designs of starting my own and will keep you posted. Just curious…how you came across my site?
I’ll keep writing if you keep reading.
IR
Thanks! I’m not entirely sure. It was late last week, and I was cruising around the Internet searching for stuff written by other stepmoms. I was on another site, and yours was linked… can’t remember the name anymore - sorry!
If you start a group, please let me know. I’d love to join!
Another challenge I’ve found, even with regards to reading materials about stepparenting/blended families, is finding stuff written by single women (without their own children) marrying into these family situations. I know we’re not alone, but sometimes it feels like it!!!
Take care,
Julie
[...] latest Snuffleupagus siting…how I scored some new girlfriends… and the dramatic unveiling of Ms. October! How’s that for TV promo writing…did I [...]
Girlfriends? What are those?
Seriously.
I’m in Texas, too (Dallas area, not Austin, though Austin is where I’d rather be), and although I used to have a pretty respectable circle of friends, they have…dispersed. Some have moved, some just fallen out of touch, some sided with the ex-husband (although oddly enough, the ex and I remain friends). And I’ve fallen out of the habit of making friends. I’m a basically shy person who has to force herself out of the shell. I used to take part in a newsgroup (for childless by choice people) and had friends through that group, but my stepmomhood kind of makes me not suitable for that newsgroup anymore.
So, one good girlfriend. Wish I had one of those. I did have one, but she turned out to be a psycho soul vampire after I helped her get a job (long story). That made me a bit gunshy about making friends.
Well jump back in, Noelle. It’s never easy making friends, I agree– but, as an adult, I’ve just decided to push myself on people. So far, no one has got a restraining order out on me:)
If you are in Dallas, then you can certainly make it to the Stepmom shower in Austin- check it out on the home page. No psycho soul vampires will be invited.
IR