The L-word
Earlier this summer, The Young One claimed he was suffering from “separation anxiety” (his words). He hadn’t seen his Mom for months and he was missing her with intensity (see The grass is greener in Paradise). His dismal mood was made evident by slumped shoulders, apathetic table manners and a dramatic display of affection.
The kid was oozing with emotion, of the Soap Opera variety.
For example, when his dad went out to the garage, The Young One would treat it as a formal departure.
“Bye Daddy. I love you.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going to the garage.”
“I know. I just love you, anyway.”
He started throwing that L-word around like it was losing popularity.
“Bye, daddy. I love you. Bye.”
Poor kid. Heartbreaking times.
His nerves were fried. He’d reached his threshold of ten-year-old bravery. It had been too long. He needed his mom, the original, not the step. Mama Bird was still living in California and we’d moved on to Texas. Video-chat was not cutting it. He was tired of talking to her forehead.
Let’s talk about love.
The Husband recognized that his little man was no tough guy, and indulged him. “Love you, too.” With that, he’d close the door to the bathroom and leave The Young One standing in the hall, waving a tragic goodbye.
I know. You want to take him under your bird wing and let him cry it out, don’t you? Well, today’s post is actually not about separation anxiety. It’s about the L-word.
Let’s talk about love.
I noticed during The Young One’s mini-crisis that his freedom with the L-word left me feeling very uncomfortable with my own reluctance to release the sappy sentiment. Why was I withholding?
A recent story in New York magazine asks, do parents really love their adopted children differently than their own offspring? A similar question can be posed to stepparents. Can stepparents really love their stepkids like they were their own flesh and blood? I’ve got to be honest. I think the answer is yes and no.
This love business. It’s a tricky thing.
I believe that with stepchildren, falling in love isn’t always instant. Just because you adore their father, doesn’t mean you immediately fancy his kids. Or them, you. Why would this relationship be automatic? Women screen men for years before they find one to truly cherish. Our love is selective, isn’t it?
As much as I like the blissful act of letting go, of finally giving in to love with reckless abandon, I don’t say the L-word until I really mean it. Not only is this my rule for the man; it’s my rule for his kids, too.
I believe that with stepchildren, falling in love isn’t always instant.
I’ve always felt like society expects women to feel tenderness for anything with a heartbeat. Just because I have lady-parts, I’m supposed to love all of humanity? How did this ridiculous rumor get started?
I admit it. This confession makes me wonder if I’m missing a maternal gene. Perhaps my DNA is botched. Whatever the case, I hope my honesty here gives me a little absolution.
When The Husband and I got together, there were many who assumed that I’d fallen for all three of them. They expected that since I’d become an overnight mother of sorts, my natural, maternal instincts had kicked in. Again, sorry to disappoint, but I did not feel this way. I wasn’t going to donate a kidney should either one of them get sick. Not right away.
Now, let me be clear, I thought the boys were lovely and I was very fond of them. But neither party was gushing l’amour. We were not living out a fairy tale. It was awkward. And, I thought our hesitation made the situation very real and strangely, comforting.
It wasn’t until over three years into our relationship, that the words escaped my lips. One evening, I sat on the edge of The Young One’s bed, feeling sad for him and his nostalgia for the way things were, and it just hit me. I love this kiddo. I said, “Hey weirdo, I love you.”
And instantly, I knew I meant it.
For further discussion on the L-word, add comments to this post or visit the Whole Milk Forum.
Tags:advice, blog, forum, stepmom, The L word
I know exactly what you mean. I love my stepkids; however, there are trying times when I want to tell my husband that he’s lucky everything fell into place the way it did.
I’ve always told my husband that if we have our own child, I will love my stepchildren differently — but no less — than our own. He thinks that’s crazy talk. I tell him to talk to my own stepfather. He loves me but he loves my brother and sister (technically, a half-brother and a half-sister) differently.
I think we’re all lucky that we get along.
Learning to love step-kids is very hard. it took several months for it to fully process in my mind that I was responsible for them, then there was a slight resentment, but that resentment grew to love. Now I love these three as thou they were mine. I will admit, I do love my baby boy differently then the older three. I have a closer bond with him then the others. My love for the older three didn’t go away, didn’t lesson, just is different. I will still stand up for the kids and fight for their best.
Of course…. It takes a while for steps to warm up to each other. Babies are lovable. So are new puppies. But a 10 year old who walks into your house is not immediately lovable. But neither are you to the 10 year old. But both sides can agree to appreciate, enjoy and respect each other and then one day, as you say wise Izzy, you realize you really do feel that L-word. And aren’t you lucky.
Beautiful post.
And spot on.
A friend of mine called me the other day for advice about one of her friends who had recently had a baby. Apparently, her friend was also a stepmom and BM had unceremoniously dumped the stepkids on BD for an undetermined period of time. Now, BD works two jobs to support his kids so SM was managing the house on her own. A very tough gig considering she had just given birth—and the baby was early so requires special care.
The conversation with my friend was a lengthy one, but one of the points I wanted to make was that the new SM needs to let herself off the hook a little bit. My stepsons were very young when I met their dad. They were (and are) the most adorable boys (they look like their daddy) and it is hard not to like them. Before I had my boys, I told my husband (and I meant it) that I couldn’t imagine loving our children anymore than I love my stepsons.
I was naive.
I love all four boys differently—–but I feel protective of my biological offspring in a way that is different than with my stepsons. In addition, there is a part of me—a vulnerable part of me—that is subconsciously withheld from my stepsons. The only way I can explain it is that my stepsons don’t need me in the way my sons need me. They have a mother (for better or worse) and no matter how deep our bond, it won’t be that kind of a bond—which is a very special thing indeed.
So, I feel that adoptive parents can love their adopted children as much as their biological children—as long as it is a pure relationship and they are the sole caregivers—and they got in on the game early on. Otherwise, it is an intensly special relationship, but one that is not the same as when one births a child.
The biggest part of this is: WE SHOULDN’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!!!!
Love isn’t logical and it certainly is quantitative. To impose the laws of fairness and numbers on it would be to strip it of its core value. We just need to be fair with the things we can be fair with, open our hearts and see what happens.
(Sorry about the book-length post!)
What Mrs. H said? Exactly. Loved your post, Iz. You have a way of taking the feelings that seem so difficult to convey and putting them in plain, beautiful, English. Thanks!
Thanks to all of you for your comments. The validation helps…I told my girlfriend this morning after posting that “I think I may have said some bad things today.” Love is tricky and so is honesty!
I salute Mrs. H who says: DON’T FEEL GUILTY. thanks for that. You are right that love is not logical and quantitative. It helps to have a husband who is understanding of the process of becoming a stepmom and kids that give you a break. Thankfully, I have both.
Cheers, wise ladies!
IR
Women are such versatile creatures. We are amazing, we are unique and we are the only ones in the house that can do 5 things at once and carry more than one thing at a time in our hands.
This post says it all. I am without words and that rarely happens. Thank you Izzy for writing things we all think about. You have a wonderful way with words.
I am not a s-mom but my sister, who is also now hooked to Stepmother’s Milk, is (what do you call a live-in girlfriend to her boyfriend’s child?), well, she is great at being my sister. Baby E, entered her live as a 3 year old, and she loves him and takes care of him like if he were her own. One, night after they were reading their book before bed, he turned to her and said, “this is nice, we should do this again” as if he were going to put her on his calendar. She loves him but I am sure she is going to love to read and share about the unique issues that only another s-mom can understand.
I also enjoy reading your s-mom spotlight. It is a great way to get to know one another.
Women, give yourselves a break and say it out loud. “I am a woman and I am great!”
Wow, Izz. This was just beautiful, and so heartfelt. And just so damn true.
I will echo the DON’T FEEL GUILTY. These boys, in my less than humble opinion, are beyond lucky, as is their dad, to have you in their world. You have walked into a life far different from the one you have known, and in doing so you have fully taken on the role of provider, nurturer, counselor, and friend. Your love for them shows in all that you write. In the funny, and in the poignant. Should I ever become a stepmom I would only hope to embrace the idea of family with your heart and candor.
What stands out to me the most about this is knowing how real, and how honest, your love for them is. Had you swooped in and declared the L-word right off the bat, without taking the time to know and respect these children, it would seem empty. It would seem forced. Having taken your time, and allowing them the same, you have forged a bond that is both strong and true, and I can see, as I’m sure everyone does, how you are all the better for it.
This was a marvelous post. I’m raising my glass to you.
You know….your blog helps me SO much, Izzy. I’m always looking forward to your next post.
I’m only 2 months into living with my man and his kids…and I’ll be honest, it’s been rough. I’ve had these moments where they absolutely drive me crazy and yet their behavior barely fazes Mr.Brady. I was telling a girlfriend of mine about this and she said, “It’s the connection…bio parents have a much higher tolerance for their own offspring.” And it made me wonder - will I eventually my own unique connection with them? Will I ever be able to lvoe and accept them as I would my own kids? You post reaffirmed that its going to take time, that I cant rush or force anything…I have to let it be an organic process.
Thanks for being so open and honest!
I think Mrs. H’s comment was right on it. And it was a lovely post Izzy, as usual! =)
Izzy,
You can use my normal link, I changed my background… I was getting tired of it anyway lol.
I did exactly the same thing. It was a couple of years before I said it - but it was at night as I was tucking her in is just occurred to me that I loved her and so I told her so. I think it took a while cause she’s not with us very often, but it still did.
Love doesn’t happen right away. I would worry if it did. As much as I wish that when we have more kids that I will love them exactly the same, and I’m going to try, I know it won’t be exactly the same. It makes me sad that I won’t be able to do for her what I will be able to do for them, just because she isn’t here all the time, but that is reality.
Thank’s Izzy for this post. This is one great advantage of blogging that you get to see inside the head of other people in other circumstances. It actually helps to see what you are going through in this new life. I remember when my best friends parents divorced, they were older than you step children, but her parents tried to buy her. She got the most expensive birthday and Christmas presents!! We were so jelous! A little bit older I understand more what that was about. That is why I am impressed with how you are dealing with this situation. However, since their mom has left, no wonder they do not think someone else will be there forever. It must be tough for kids today, but being kids in an unhappy relationship is probably worse. I think you are doing great - thanks again for sharing!
I LOVE this post! I am right there with you on the whole love thing. I had an extremely irritating weekend with my step children. I am not sure why but those words….they weren’t going to be rolling off my tongue! Not that I don’t LOVE “my” kids, I just think sometimes what if!?? But then I sit and think and realize that this is IT for me!
I commend your compassion for the trauma these boys are going through, which begs the question: why are they going through this trauma? To be separated by hundreds of miles from a parent is a profoundly troubling, difficult, and unnatural thing for any child under the age of 18, barring, of course, a situation where the absent parent has been responsible for extreme or damaging dysfunction.
I can’t find the story anywhere in your blog, but your situation is an unusual one and the reader is left wondering: what were the circumstances around your move away from the your stepsons’ mother that justified putting them through this sadness?
AHA! It does beg the question. Why are they away from their mother? That story to come. It’s a complicated one to write. Thanks for bringing it up. You make a good point and I will address it.
IR
[...] like to buy you a drink– you’re amazing! I wrote a post several months ago called The L-word that talked about the struggle many stepmothers have with the love thing. It received some amazing [...]
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